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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

christmas can turn a MIL into a bridezilla?

66 replies

daytoday · 22/12/2009 16:57

I respect my MIL. She is cut from a very different cloth to me. but I don't want to be the cliche dil who hates her mil.

However,

We take it in turns to spend christmas my family and then the in laws. However, this year is hard - my brother is back from overseas and I haven't seen him for 2 years. However, because it means a lot to my MIL we are sticking to our routine and going to hers.

However, she has just issued a list of her rules we need to abide by, including the kids not opening their presents until after church. We told her our children can could open their presents from santa and us whenever they feel like it. I don't mind waiting until later for the other family christmas.

We've just had a do it my way or don't come at all conversation. How can someone behave like this? She has been abusive and rude. In her mind we are letting her down massively. I think she is being rude and controlling.

Am I being unreasonable to think that its a bloody treat for her that we are all coming in the first place? Or am I being naive/selfish?

OP posts:

Vallhala · 22/12/2009 19:56

Just to be bloody awkward you could always respond, "Church? What church? Oh no, I don't want to take my DC to a cold, drafty church/something I don't believe in/whatever" and sit back and wait for MIL to self-combust with fury!

Original poster

daytoday · 22/12/2009 20:13

I'm not looking for a reason out of this but it hurts me that MIL doesn't appreciate the sacrifice I have made for her! I won't see my brother for another 2 years after he goes. And for what, to be abused for not following her rules.

What I find the most upsetting is the whole way she has kicked off about it - she has sworn at her my DH - and threatened not to see her own grandchildren at christmas. I really really don't understand it.

We just don't do that in my family and hence, we all love spending time together.

My kids are balanced and lovely.

We will swallow it this year but will not go again. She has shot herself in her own foot.

OP posts:

lovechoc · 22/12/2009 20:16

I just don't get why people put themselves through all the heartache and stress - just enjoy Christmas any way you want to without the hassle of MIL. She sounds like a right barrel of laughs

Fibilou · 22/12/2009 20:33

"Do you tell your kids when christmas day is out of interest? Do they wait till the evening?"

First baby is in the womb still - so I'm not sure. Obviously it's going to be a few years (thank goodness) before I have Christmas with a child to contend with.. I'm not sure I will have my mother's iron nerves when it comes to it

Fibilou · 22/12/2009 20:38

"Before my dd was 2 she would ask how many sleeps until Christmas day....there's no way we'd get away with not telling her when it was"

When I was old enough to ask they just told me it was a day later - then I was really surprised when it was earlier.
I would like to point out that I don't think I would have known about Christmas much at 2 as my parents never made a big deal out of it by hyping it up as some people seem to do. So I didn't get massively overexcited about it because I wasn't whipped up into a frenzy about it.

Mum says that she can remember me still being asleep at 9am on Christmas morning (and this was when I was old enough to know the date) and wondering if was ever going to wake up because she wanted to give me my stocking.

Stigaloid · 22/12/2009 20:45

I don't understand the going to parents for christmas. I never went to my grandparents for christmas. Christmas is about immediate family for kids and other generations came to us. Why don't you invite both sets of grandparents to you and have it at your house?

otherwise - be a guest at someone else's and respect their traditions and desires.

lolapoppins · 22/12/2009 20:47

Sorry, and a tiny bit tipsy and this has reminded me of an old saying of my Grandma.

There were always fights about when to ope presentts with her very traditional, church going sisters who would never let anyone open presents unil after lunch.

My Gran would alway say 'We are gatheered to celebrate birth of baby Jesus. Did you see Mary carving the turkey before he got his gold, frankensense and Murh? No. What would Jesus do? He's have his bloody presenets pronto.'

How I miss her!

Georgimama · 22/12/2009 21:16

If my brother, who incidentally does live overseas, was home for Christmas and I hadn't seen him for two years (I haven't seen him for two years as it happens ) wild horses wouldn't make me spend Christmas elsewhere, never mind the crazy present issues.

Are you actually not seeing your brother in order to spend Christmas with a nut job who clearly won't be happy until your children are all in tears about wanting to open their presents, so she can use their "bad" behaviour as a stick to beat you with? Are you serious? Cancel. Go and see your brother. Open your presents when you want.

Plutothatpresentdown · 22/12/2009 21:38

Hear hear Georgiemama MIL has had her turn doing things her way when OP's DH was little. Now it's time for OP and her nuclear family to spend Christmas as they wish.

slummymummy36 · 22/12/2009 21:46

Reading this is so so eerily similar to what I went through with My MIL a few years ago. My DC are now 11 and 8.

We had the EXACT same stipulation of rules - when the DC were small.

I tried to go along with her POV and traditions to a point but tried to compromise with the Father Christmas toys and stocking. But no - just like your MIL she went off on one of her many (most Xmased ever since)little temper tantrum strops! We have had abusive phonecalls, emotional blackmail "this could be my last christmas" etc etc.

We went and stayed. We abided by many of her rules and traditions but Xmas morning our DD came into us and opend her stocking on our bed with us - exactly the same as she would at home!We left the main pressies until after lunch as MIL wanted. I was actually very pissed off that it was 4.30pm before opening commenced and DD was in bed over tired and not having played with anything for more than 5 minutes by 7pm!!

Nothing directly was said but steam was pouring out of MILS ears for the rest of the day. The snide remarks were constant though and that was the VERY last time we EVER stayed or had them stay with us for Xmas.

MILs like this are off their heads! We have tears EVERY year from my MIL cos Xmas never lives up to her control freaky fantasy in her head!

You only have a day or 2 to reorganise - but really think you need to speak to her and if you cant agree and she gets nasty, cancel plans with her and do your own thing and see your brother! This may cause a life long horrid rift but it could also sort out all your future Xmases by her also realising a little compromising can go along way.

Good luck!

lovechoc · 22/12/2009 22:12

hear hear Stigaloid! that's exactly how we play it at Christmas. Everyone comes to visit us on Christmas Day, then they leave and go home and have dinner at their own house. Less stressful and everyone can relax in their own home and have a drink.

Soooo much easier when you have a young DC!

lovechoc · 22/12/2009 22:20

IMHO you should put your blood relatives first before in-laws, go and spend time with your brother. seems like a long time to have no seen each other.

Original poster

daytoday · 22/12/2009 22:22

Thanks for everyone's responses. You are all so fab.

We are cutting short our trip to MIL - there are lots of other family going too, so don't want to let them all down by simply not going. However, we are never going again! I'm just not tolerating this rubbish and bad feeling at christmas. What a waste of time and emotion.

They can come to us from now on and that is that! It is about some fantasy of christmas which always results in her upsetting someone.

OP posts:

Original poster

daytoday · 22/12/2009 22:28

But it's my DH blood relatives. We always split things equally.

My family are so chilled and relaxed. I feel really sorry for my DH and his two sisters - they get this rubbish off MIL all the time.

It's all about some weird idea of family and control. Full of guilt trips etc etc.

I will see my lovely brother right after christmas and they are staying for 3 nights. They actually can't wait for the update on my christmas hell and have been giggling their heads off. They think MIL is off her head. This behaviour really is so alien to me.

OP posts:

SleighGirl · 23/12/2009 17:04

I am so grateful that my PILs are 99% normal and live locally, we turn up at lunch time get fed christmas lunch mid afternoon then open all the "family" presents having done our Santa etc presents first thing.

LC200 · 23/12/2009 17:46

That's exactly what we're doing this year SleighGirl. I can't wait!

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