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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be feeling a bit crushed?

59 replies

GreensElves · 22/12/2009 08:57

ds1 has just told me that one of his best friends' mothers has told her children (twins) not to play with him as she thinks he is "rude"

they are still playing together but this child is worried his mother will find out that he hasn't been keeping away from ds1

he has Aspergers and is very different - sometimes he can be rude - but he can also be incredibly kind and thoughtful and often when he comes across as rude he really isn't meaning to be

and I can't think when she might have formed this opinion - it must be a pretty strong opinion, as apparently she refused to let this child invite ds1 to his birthday party

both twins came to ds1's birthday party in September and had a whale of a time

I knew there was a little core of mothers in the class who disliked ds1 - whole-class parties which exclude him, etc - but it seems to be getting worse and more parents shunning him - while I am working so damn hard to improve his social skills and help him make better friendships

he wrote a beautiful story the other day about a hedgehog who starts out selfish and then discovers "empathy" and starts listening and sharing

he is trying so hard

OP posts:

threetimemummy · 22/12/2009 08:59

Your poor little guy.

AboardtheAxiom · 22/12/2009 09:02

Oh greeny

I am dreading this for DS, take heart in the fact the little boy still wants to play with your DS though. I find the children are uch more accepting of our boys than the adults are sometimes.

Is the mum approachable, could you talk to her about it?

Your DS sounds lovely BTW (I mean that).

missingtheaction · 22/12/2009 09:02

Do you have a parent representative in the class you can explain the situation to? are there parents coffee mornings, or somehting you can do at a parent's evening? and hints and tips to give other mums about handling ds1?

If he was allergic to something it would be perfectly reasonable to ask to tell the other mums what to watch out for/how to handle his epipen. Can you do somehting similar for DS1?

MrsMattie · 22/12/2009 09:06

Can you approach this mum directly and speak to her? Does she know your DS has Asperger's? Does she know what ASD entails?

My DS probably has Asperger's - we are awaiting an official diagnosis, but it looks likely. I have started to be much more open about it with other parents, not because I am 'excusing' my son's behaviour but because I want them to understand why he might come across as rude or odd sometimes.

Brunettelady · 22/12/2009 09:07

How awful for your poor DS who is trying so hard!! What a lovely story for him to write. If these other children want to play with him in school then they probably will. What appalling attitudes from parents though.

Original poster

GreensElves · 22/12/2009 09:08

I don't think they would believe it tbh, I think they would just think I was making excuses for an ill-amnnered child

makes me feel a bit self-conscious about seeing them at school and out and about, knowing that they think I am a bad parent with a horrible child

OP posts:

MrsMattie · 22/12/2009 09:14

To be honest, I have got used to being the pariah in playgrounds, soft play etc. I do know how you feel.

But if it's someone your child goes to school with and a parent you are going to have to face every day, I'd take the bull by the horns and say something. What have you got to lose? I'd say something like:

'Hello Mrs X Just wated to have a quick word. DS has come home really upset because he says you think he is rude. I'm sure that's not what youmeant - you know what kids are like blah blah - just wanted to check that you knew DS has Asperger's? I can give you a bit more information on it if you like...or I'm sure his teacher / the SENCo would be happy to fill you in...'

GetOrfMoiLand · 22/12/2009 09:15

I am very sorry Greeny - I have seen many other threads where your little boy is slighted. It must be uttertly heartbreaking for you to have to deal with this.

I have no words of advice, I think that speaking to the mother would be of no help at all tbh. It seems she has made her mind up, especially re the party etc.

Would having a word with the teacher help at all do yoiu think? Would he/she be able to help in setting out some kind of strategy with his friendshp groups?

It is utterly awful to see your little on unhappy and feeling completely bewildered by the complexity of friendships. I know how you feel - dd was badly bullied at school recently (to the extent that we moved schools), I used to feel so helpless, would want to barge in the school, roar at the horrible bullies and gather dd up in my arms and run off. She is a great big 14 year old, but is still my baby.

I am very sorry and hope that things will get better.

edam · 22/12/2009 09:15

Oh, Greeny, I bet they don't all think that. Is this something you could approach his teachers about? Maybe if they do something in class about how people are all different, children will be able to go back home and explain something that might help?

Does the NAS have any advice about handling this kind of thing? Maybe if you had some literature from them it might help to reinforce the idea that ds's problems are real, not excuses?

Btw, there was a little boy with behavioural difficulties in ds's class - obv. I have no idea what the cause was, but children were coming home and telling their parents what X had done today because it was a big event for them if someone was disrupting the queue to go back inside after lunch. Only the thing is, as far as I know, no-one stopped playing with him. He's quite popular, in fact. So it is possible for schools to handle this well.

Separately, I do know there are a few children at ds's school on the spectrum, but I don't know who they are and haven't heard anyone in the playground bitching about them. Presumably this means there are strategies or support or something that could work?

Poledra · 22/12/2009 09:16

Oh, Greeny, I've been on your threads before about your lovely DS. I don't have a child with ASD, and I can appreciate that I might not realise that a child isn't just being rude. I'd like someone to tell me if I was wrong, so I could modify my behaviour. I'd be mortified I made the mistake in the first place, mind you! And I have to say, I've never banned my children from playing with another child.

I'm sorry for your DS, he tries so hard and people don't seem to be willing to give him a chance

Original poster

GreensElves · 22/12/2009 09:16

maybe I should have a word with her - the idea makes my stomach curdle though, they all know each other and I know some of them have already snubbed ds1

one child invited every boy in the class apart from mine to a football party - this child has come to every party ds1 has ever had

OP posts:

GetOrfMoiLand · 22/12/2009 09:17

Cross posts with Mrs Mattie - actually her idea re having a word with the mother seems a lot better than my head in the sand approach.

Original poster

GreensElves · 22/12/2009 09:18

maybe it's time to tell ds1 about Aspergers, so he knows what's going on and can tell people if need be?

OP posts:

flockwallpaper · 22/12/2009 09:18

. That must be hard. I don't have much experience of this as DS is still very young, but MrsMattie's suggestion sounds like a good one.

AboardtheAxiom · 22/12/2009 09:20

Are the school good with him in terms of undersanding his quirks and needs? (I know HT is a little ) but what are the class staff like and the senco?

I have two good books that are really simple but informative which they could maybe use to inform children and parents. Not in a point and look at greeny's DS way, more a we are all different and have things we are brilliant at and things that we struggle with?

My DS is only 5 so we aren't as far down the road yet. I end to get sideways 'odd' looks or sympathy (I feel this may soon change though as teacher has expressed concern that he sometimes shows aggression....). For example a child may run up to him really excited to say hello and DS will scream in their faces in terror.

Like MrsMattie's suggestion. I too would force myself to say something purely as you have to see them everyday.

AboardtheAxiom · 22/12/2009 09:27

www.amazon.co.uk/Can-Tell-About-Asperger-Syndrome/dp/1843102064/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=12614 73810&sr=8-1

www.amazon.co.uk/All-Cats-Have-Aspergers-Syndrome/dp/1843104814/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=12614 73858&sr=1-1

both very good

I didn't realise he didn't know about his dx, I think he would immerse himself in finding out about it and discovering he is not the only boy who struggles with the same things and is clever at other things may be a real comfort to him.

The story he has written sounds lovely, did he think it all up himself?

RBSWife · 22/12/2009 09:30

I am in the ' have a quiet word with the mother' camp. We occasionally have this type of scenario where I work and it is amazing how often a word from the parent of the ASD child helps. FWIW, we are not allowed to discuss any child with another parent, but we will talk in general terms about how ASD can affect aspects of children's lives, particularly social skills. Of course, we tailor it to the particular areas of difficulty experienced by the child we are not discussing . Depending on the age of the children, we have also arranged for people from the SCS to come in and talk to the class/year group, about difficulties of ASD.

I am not saying it always works, but until you try, you won't know whether it is because the mother is ignorant about ASD or just plain ignorant.

deaddei · 22/12/2009 09:33

I too think having a word with the mother a la MrsMattie might make you feel better. DD has severe OCD and I am very open about it with parents, otherwise they probably would think she was a bit of a nutter and keep their dds away from her!
My friend has 2 Aspergers boys and she is having a really hard time at her school- a group of parents got a petition together to demand they leave.
Chin up- have a lovely Xmas.

ChickensHaveNoTinsel · 22/12/2009 09:38

Aw, GreensElves I think I would take MrsMattie's approach. I have no experience, but it must be so very hurtful for you and DS. I agree that it's encouraging that the children are still friends, as it's obviously the mother with the problem, not your DS's peers.

Original poster

GreensElves · 22/12/2009 09:44

parents got up a petition that is our worst nightmare

dh and I are not very tough when it comes to things like this, we both feel very down about it and don't know what to do

I'm undecided about telling him about his AS, I don't want to freak him out or for him to start googling and finding out horror stories about isolation and bullying

on the other hand given what is happening to him it seems unfair NOT to tell him why

OP posts:

StewieGriffinsMom · 22/12/2009 09:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

piscesmoon · 22/12/2009 10:09

It is very sad. I would bring it up with the teacher and possibly the Head and see what they can do to help. I can never understand why parents take that attitude, for a start they can't control their DC's friends-all it does is teach the DC to be devious.

Original poster

GreensElves · 22/12/2009 10:13

it's more hurtful because it was a surprise in this case, ds1's friendship with these twins (lovely boy and girl) was one of the things I was hanging onto as a "success" IYSWIM

finding out that the mother has ordered them to stay away from him is a kick in the guts, especially after they both came to his birthday and we were charmed by how lovely they are

OP posts:

piscesmoon · 22/12/2009 10:15

Try having a diplomatic word with the mother-if they are lovely DCs there is a good chance that she will be understanding.

cornysxmasmuffmusic · 22/12/2009 10:21

Something similar happened to my ds when he was younger. His best friend's mum stopped them from playing together - she knew about ds's difficulties. School went along with it as well. I felt as sad as if it had happened to me personally. Ds then made another friend who had nice parents and now they are soul mates.

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