to be feeling a bit crushed?

[GreensElves]

ds1 has just told me that one of his best friends' mothers has told her children (twins) not to play with him as she thinks he is "rude"

they are still playing together but this child is worried his mother will find out that he hasn't been keeping away from ds1

he has Aspergers and is very different - sometimes he can be rude - but he can also be incredibly kind and thoughtful and often when he comes across as rude he really isn't meaning to be

and I can't think when she might have formed this opinion - it must be a pretty strong opinion, as apparently she refused to let this child invite ds1 to his birthday party

both twins came to ds1's birthday party in September and had a whale of a time

I knew there was a little core of mothers in the class who disliked ds1 - whole-class parties which exclude him, etc - but it seems to be getting worse and more parents shunning him - while I am working so damn hard to improve his social skills and help him make better friendships

he wrote a beautiful story the other day about a hedgehog who starts out selfish and then discovers "empathy" and starts listening and sharing

he is trying so hard

Sorry, but we're not painting him in ANY way.

Simply saying that until you've talked to the mother, you are only assuming her reasons and what she thinks. Putting words in her mouth.

And challenging her head-on - albeit calmly and in the spirit of working together - is the only way to make sure she's heard your viewpoint and has been fully informed of your son's issues.

The football party thing is disgusting btw.

You don't know what her kid has said to her about your kid either. I admit I don't always pay a great deal of attention to my DS when he is twittering on about his mates at school. So if he said "Blahblah is mean to me", or "called me a name" or any number of standard kid stuff, I would probably respond "Well, don't play with him then" - mostly so that I didn't have to hear my kid complain about it.

Right now in this incidence, you have heard what your kid, thinks her kid thought she meant. Third hand information filtered through two little boys.

You really do need to talk to the Mum about this so you can at the very least sort out where you stand.

I suppose so Morloth, I wasn't there to hear what the other child said

ds1 is reliable though, he tends to parrot exactly what is said to him rather than paraphrasing, and he said that this child had told him his mother had told him to keep away from ds1 and had said "no" when he ahd wanted to invite ds1 to his birthday party

as this would be the fourth time in a few months that children have excluded ds1 from parties, I find it more than credible

poor ds1 can't help being the way he is, he is a kind, eager-to-please, loving little thing

he isn't a wild disruptive hellion who stops other children from learning

sorry I was defensive back there, I am not being entirely sensible about this

and ds1 is completely bonkers at the moment because of Christmas, it is very wearing

You're allowed to feel defensive about it all Greenselves, I think we're all feeling that way too and we don't even know your little boy!

I do think confronting them head on, either 1:1 or all the parents together, so they can SEE the effect this is having, is the way forward. Some of them at least will be decent parents who will be mortified at the way you're feeling.

GreensElves, u sound worn out worrying about all this and unfortunately child with ASDs are going to probably always going to have major challenges with how other people perceive them, so for ur sanity, please try to look on the positive side.

For example, u know ur son is loving and kind and he is a credit and joy to you - others will discover that too if they give him a chance. My son who was branded a monster by some, has also been called a 'charmer' and 'lovely' by many others - infact the majority now see him as a great kid!.

So, chin up and do what is important at this time - have fun!

Give urself a break and get urself strong to approach the school and other parents in the New Year.

You are right to be offended and upset, so make sure everyone is informed and if they still choose to alienate ur son, u don't have to put up with it - they are bullies and should not be setting such a bad example - tell them so! Good Luck.

Greeny - you really do have to tell everyone and get them on side - for all your sakes.

I just wanted to say, in case it helps when the new term starts, that as they get older the 'whole class' parties just stop anyway. So that sort of exclusion shouldn't even be an issue from very soon really.

Although I'm not saying this is at all easy and I understand the upset and sadness you feel on your DS behalg, I do think you just have to be matter of fact about it. for example if he tells you someone's mum has told her child not to play with him, you can simply tell him "some parents are very silly aren't they. They are supposed to be showing their children how to be good but they aren't being good themselves!" DS and I have a saying for people like that, which he always remembers "just because someone might be grown up, doesn't mean they are clever".

Because you simply can't change how these people behave. I just think if your DS senses any of your understandable angst about this it will be more upsetting for him. Matter of fact is the way to go imo.

And I do think it is worth raising this as an issue with the teachers; no, they can't make people invite your ds to their parties, but they can do extra work on inclusion/feelings etc etc with the class.

Greenselves - Much sympathy.

My bf introduced her ds to the idea that he was an "aspy" at secondary school, perhaps about year 8. I think much before that, it's asking a lot for dc to handle.

How is your suuport? for you?

It will all go better if you are getting support and can respond to all this by channelling aspy-mum pride. Asperger's kids are great - as you well know. My bf is v. strong on the +ves. You know there are big +ves - along with the -ves.

Sadly, I think you may have to take on the role of ambassador, and enlighten those who don't understand. Not easy.

I am really upset to hear about the struggles you've had with teacher/school/parents. It is so much easier when people are informed and on board.

I know that other-mother is probably operating from a position of ignorance but ... I can't help but be cross. I'm afraid I cut ties with a former friend who did something a bit similar with a child I knew who was on the autistic spectrum.

Good luck, and lots of love to you and your dc.