to be feeling a bit crushed?

[GreensElves]

ds1 has just told me that one of his best friends' mothers has told her children (twins) not to play with him as she thinks he is "rude"

they are still playing together but this child is worried his mother will find out that he hasn't been keeping away from ds1

he has Aspergers and is very different - sometimes he can be rude - but he can also be incredibly kind and thoughtful and often when he comes across as rude he really isn't meaning to be

and I can't think when she might have formed this opinion - it must be a pretty strong opinion, as apparently she refused to let this child invite ds1 to his birthday party

both twins came to ds1's birthday party in September and had a whale of a time

I knew there was a little core of mothers in the class who disliked ds1 - whole-class parties which exclude him, etc - but it seems to be getting worse and more parents shunning him - while I am working so damn hard to improve his social skills and help him make better friendships

he wrote a beautiful story the other day about a hedgehog who starts out selfish and then discovers "empathy" and starts listening and sharing

he is trying so hard

Oh goodness, I am sorry.

The thing is, if (as the parent of an NT child) my child came home day after day with tales of another boy's "naughtiness" or "rudeness" it would not necessarily be my first thought that the child may have a condition that causes that behaviour.

The lioness in me would probably be humphing about nasty, badly brought up children upsetting my baby.

That would be shortsighted of me and, frankly, a bit thick (given that I am a teacher) but I'm afraid that my pfb instincts might well block any rational thought around the issue.

If, however, that child's parent came and found me - explained the issue and offered strategies to help my child understand and interact more effectively with them - I would be delighted and supportive (not to mention mortified).

What I'm saying is, it's not you, it's them. But I reckon that lots of them would really change their attitude if the details of what is really going on was made explicit.

Good luck, I'm sure it won't be easy but perhaps people will be more supportive than you think.

This sounds really awful. I wonder if you could approach it more formally, if you think that it's not just a one-mother problem.

One of my children had a deaf girl in the class, and the teacher invited the girl's mother to come and talk to the parents about her daughter and how she managed her deafness at home and in collective situations. Could you do the same? You could prepare a talk and hand out some information. I am sure most parents would want (in principle at least) to help you and your son, and would want their children to be understanding and sympathetic to people who are different. Surely not many people aspire to their children being bigots.

notanumber I see what you are saying, but my ds is never aggressive, unkind, disruptive etc - he is genuinely lovely and well-meaning

the disruption he causes in class is virtually always either shouting out answers because he is overenthusiastic and can't wait, or not being able to manage abrupt transitions between activities

he is never mean to other children or anything like that

I think these parents just don't like him because he is different

there is a very close-knit hardcore of mums who all went to this school when they were children and know each other really well, and they all exclude him (increasingly more of them)

some of them already know he has AS, so it has probably done the rounds

they also know he passed the Y6 SATS when in Y1 (without my consent ) and that he plays complex imaginative games which their children then rave about and get really involved in

I think he freaks them out, he is a "weird kid" and nothing I tell them is going to change it

I don't have a child with aspergers, but I think I would start a campaign - disarm them with honesty. Could you just go up to the mother in question, and say - without emotion - just stating the facts, that your ds has aspergers etc etc.

so sorry you are going through this

I wonder if the school would accommodate an open evening for the parents to learn about ASDs, if I could get other parents with children with ASDs to join forces?

I still think only about 5% of the parents would come though, and even most of those would be rolling their eyes and thinking "but why do we have to have them in OUR class, aren't there schools for Children Like That?"

I'm sure it contributes to the profile of him as a weird kid stewie

he is actually very young for his age emotionally, he is a sensitive and highly strung little duck who tries very hard to be liked and accepted - I could scream at these people who don't look at him and see the person I see

I am feeling a bit sad and defeatist about it all today, I suppose

I will have my fighting spirit back by the time the term starts

I'd have a chat with the class teacher Greenselves, and ask him/her if she would be happy to send a letter to parents asking them to come to a whole-class-parents meeting - only needs to be a 15 minute thing I reckon - then you and your DH could explain to them about AS, but also explain to them about how it's making you and DS feel.

You could read them the poem, too, so that they begin to understand he's a real boy trying to overcome real problems - and then finish up with a few little requests for help, just little pointers really on how to respond to him (including things like "Please reconsider not excluding DS from your parties - we're really happy to help you know how to handle him, or even to come along to help on the day, but it would mean so much to us all for him to have those opportunities" etc etc).

You absolutely shouldn't have to do those things, and I'm so sorry for you that you have found yourself in a less than enlightened group of parents. I hope you manage to find a way through.

Sorry for DP. I'm sorry you're feeling so sad about it. I would feel exactly the same - in fact I do, and I don't even know him or you!!

for you. I'd use the holidays to form a plan of action / attack about it. That would make me feel better, less powerless.

OR you could wander round the house shouting BASTARDS fo a bit. That would make me feel better too!!

Sorry only read OP. I am so sorry that your son is going through this. I would ask for a meeting with parents, HT and Senco and talk about Aspergers, the different levels, what it means and how they can help.

god what a cruel bitch. I am so sorry greensleeves. I would never tell my children not to play with someone with aspergers, what a weird thought!

Is there an organisation locally that you could get involved in a parents evening type presentation? I work for an advocacy organisation covering ld and asd and we have done several of these type of things - I think a parent giving there perspective is a great idea but having somebody there who understands the issues but isn't personally involved can help aid understanding in a non-emotive way if that makes sense. We also do work specifically with the kids - they are always so much more accepting of things than the parents but can help to show the parents just how ignorant they are being. I would talk to the school about it, there senco should be taking the lead on organising this, with your help and assistance, if you have an organisation locally (advocacy org or NAS local branch) I would contact them - if you have no luck with the school get them to contact them - it is harder when an independent org are saying 'there is an issue in your school around ...'

Do you think so stewie, that it is as much the school's prolem as ours? I'm not very sure of exactly what the school's obligations are in something like this

I don't get on well with ds1's teachers this year (it's a jobshare) - the one who has him for the greater part of the week in particular doesn't see eye to eye with me on how best to handle ds1. She doesn't really "get" him in the way his Y1 teacher did

we had a run-in earlier on in the term because she started using strategies that I thought we had left behind in Reception - using a red/yellow card system just for him, not the other children etc - which I felt was singling him out unnecessarily and would affect his perception of himself and his relations with the other children. He managed to get through the whole of Y1 without blunt techniques like that because he had a very skilled teacher who was in tune with him and could handle him without making him any more conspicuous than he already is

I am a bit worried that the sharp downturn in the other parents' view of him might be linked to the situation in the classroom not being as good as it was last year

but this teacher really didn't take kindly to being criticised by me (I was VERY polite and deferential about it!) she just blustered about how she knew what she was doing and is the school's "Interventions Manager", whatever that is (she's not the SENCo)

and she also said at the end of the conversation "but you can't help but like him"

his teacher last year would NEVER have said that, she just liked him

I know wot ur going thru - have a ds (now nearly 16) and he was diagnosed with autism at 6 1/2, when he'd already been excluded from school (at 5 1/2!) for difficult behaviour.

My ds is now so much improved, back in mainstream school, trying really hard in every aspect of school (so he says) and making lots of friends.

But for you at the moment, I would be inclined to go for the honest and open approach allround. Maybe u have a local Asperger support group who could help u with broaching the subject with DS. I know how awful this is, but it will prob help ur ds understand why children/parents are being unkind and make him realise he's not a bad person,it's not his fault etc. How old is he BTW?

If ur son is really standing out as different, he may start feeling worried about his behaviour himself - my son did before we'd even got a diagnosis. Have u asked his teacher how he behaves in class and how other children react?

Has the school got extra support for ur ds? If so, other kids and mothers probably wonder why already, so broaching the subject, with help from the staff could help others treat him with a little more understanding. My ds was labelled as a little monster and one woman once told my mother 'he should be put in a cage'!

Once other parents know his condition, one who hope they would want to be PC and not exclude him because his disability - time will tell!

"he should be put in a cage"

how can people be so cruel?

maybe there is a group, I will ask the SENCo if she knows of one

thanks x

have just remembered we have a "home visit" tomorrow morning from the woman who co-runs the Earlybird Plus course that dh and I are on

maybe we could talk to her and ask her advice? She's a SALT, but she is running this course and must have dealt with hundreds of kids with ASD

my ds attended a group run by the SALT.
Who is advising the class teacher of appropriate strategies to use with your ds?

this breaks my heart, really. I am no expert in aspergers so cant vouch an opinion, but people like this are so fucking shitty and mean. I personally would not take this lying down. And that might mean taking a very deep breath and talking to the school and the parents to try and get them to help you, not cut you out. I would NOT go in guns blazing, but ask for their help and support and see how that goes.

Yup, it is shitty. I thought attitudes and understanding of such disorders was much more widespread now, but sadly not.

I got a nephew of 5 who been seeing a so-called child psychologist for a couple of years and she says he's not Autistic even though he collects spoons and wouldn't play with anything else for years! GP won't refer to different 'specilist' cos he says she knows wot she's talkin about! What a waste of his young life without appropriate help.

So, in a way not surprise that teachers/other parents still not up to speed and not behaving appropriately. U will prob come across a lot of rather unhelpful people in ur quest 2 help ur ds, but read all u can and any trouble with school, ring IPSEA - independent advisers 4 kids with SEN.

I'm sure it will stick in your craw, but might it be worth investigating exactly what this mother (and, I suppose, the 'core' of other parents who have excluded your son in the past) is upset about with regards to your son's behaviour?

You said that he can be rude - how does this manifest itself?

The calling out and disrupting lessons thing - of course he finds it very hard to control and presumably you and his teacher are working on strategies for this - but other children do find this kind of disruption very irritating (and it can be demoralising for quiet, shy children who never get to answer a question because the answer is always shouted out).

The idea that someone or something is "disrupting my child's education" is like a red rag to a bull for many parents, who (understandably, just as you do) want their child to have the very best and not have (in their view) all the teacher's time taken up by one demanding pupil.

At the moment they may just see the situation being one in which your son gets all the time and attention and their children get nothing yet they are expected to "put up or shut up".

If you can acknowledge that you understand your son's presence in the class impacts (sometimes negatively) on their children, this may go some way towards a softening of their attitude.

This might be a way in to explaining what you, the teacher (and of course, your poor son who sounds as though he is trying so hard) are doing to address these issues, and how they can explain it to their children and encourage them to support him.

Basically, reassuring them that you are not in fact expecting them to "put up or shut up", but you are working very hard to make things work.

This may then also lead to much more positive stuff about your son - you say he creates imaginative games etc that the others really enjoy - it's probably useful for the parents to be reminded of this, so that your son isn't seen as just a problem that needs solving but also an asset to the class and their children's lives.

All the above sounds as though I am agreeing with what these parents are doing and am attacking and blaming you and your son. Please don't think that, I'm really really not, I'm just wondering if seeing it from their point of view and acknowledging it might be a way to open up some dialogue to improve the situation.

I've just read the whole thread and was going to along the same lines as notanumber, who put it really well.

It's a horrible situation for you and your son. But IMO, it's unfair of people on here to call the other mother a bitch. Firstly, you don't know that she knows your son has ASD. Secondly, you don't know exactly why she doesn't want her children playing with him. Thirdly, you don't know from her - only third hand through her child and then yours - that she actually expressly forbade her children from playing with yours. Fourthly, you don't know everything that your child does at school - there could be stuff that happens in the playground that even the teachers don't know about.

The only reasonable thing to do is to have a calm discussion with her. Hear her out. Explain his ASD and how that manifests themselves. Let her know that you have really appreciated the fact her son and yours are friends, and that they would both lose out if that was to end. Come up with mutually acceptable parameters if need be.

there are at least four children in the class who have IEPs for aggressive and disruptive behaviour and are much more time-consuming and distracting than my ds - nobody's excluding them

I understand the point you two are making, I really do - but it turns my stomach because it's so unfair

he isn't the way you are painting him, he isn't doing dreadful things in the playground that the teachers aren't picking up

I KNOW him

one child a few weeks ago invited every boy in the class to a football party - including the ones who have serious behavioural issues - apart from my ds1