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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my DP to just deal with the fact that I don't want to have sex every night?

67 replies

ChickandDuck · 17/12/2009 20:41

We have 2 DS's, 4yo and 1yo. I'm shattered alot of the time and don't have a very high sex drive. We have sex 4/5 times a week, I'd be happy with 3 times.

DP will be in a mood, and frankly quite unpleasant at times if we don't have sex.

I feel like I have to meet the needs of the two DC all day, when they've gone to bed I just want to empty my head and relax, but then I feel hassled into having sex when I might not necessarily want to just to 'keep the peace'

Should I make more of an effort....?

OP posts:
fernie3 · 17/12/2009 20:45

are you joking? my husband would think it was his lucky week with 4/5 times.

bumpybecky · 17/12/2009 20:46

4/5 times a week

4/5 times a month would be good going for us!

Original poster
ChickandDuck · 17/12/2009 20:47

No fernie.. 4/5 will just about keep him sweet. 3 times and he would be unbearable.

OP posts:
kinnies · 17/12/2009 20:47

No YANBU.

Can you talk to him about the way it makes you feel?

verytellytubby · 17/12/2009 20:47

Blimey 2-3 times a month is a good month for us!

Original poster
ChickandDuck · 17/12/2009 20:47

And no other sexual contact between?

OP posts:
clacketyclack · 17/12/2009 20:48

Your DH is lucky, I am happy with once a week and DP just has to accept that! YANBU

verytellytubby · 17/12/2009 20:49

Nope. I don't like the sound of bullying for sex.

MrsMattie · 17/12/2009 20:49

YANBU. Sex is a two way street. You're doing something almost every night that you don't want to do. Your DH should care about this. FGS, can he not have a wank?

Original poster
ChickandDuck · 17/12/2009 20:50

Kinnies - I do, but he finds it strange that I'm not 'in the mood' as much as he is. He takes it personally.

It's like he can't be close to me unless we have sex, so when we don't we're not close and it lowers my sex drive even more, vicious circle... (does that make sense?)

OP posts:
fernie3 · 17/12/2009 20:51

If he really wants sex practically every day then that is unreasonable. Not many people (at least not after the first part of a relationship) have sex everyday. If he gets in a mood about it so what? let him.

MummyClausGoneCrazy · 17/12/2009 20:51

Mp DP is lucky if he gets it 4/5 times a month due to having 4DC (9,4,3,13wks) and me losing my sexdrive after our youngest but he understands and respects me so doesnt push it

Your DP should be satisfied with what he gets, regardless of how many kids you have or how busy you are, he should respect you more and i dont think any more effect is needed from you, it sounds like he should maybe make more effect to make you feel more relaxed and in the mood.

Original poster
ChickandDuck · 17/12/2009 20:52

MrsMattie, "it's not the same" and I have no objections to porn.

Also, maybe TMI, but he'll do it in the bed next to me, which I hate!

OP posts:
Ripeberry · 17/12/2009 20:52

Why can't he just accept no? What does he do if you refuse? If he forces you, that can be seen as rape.
His libido is far too high, a happy marriage is where both partners are at a similar level.
Maybe get him to look after the kids for a couple of days by himself then see how he feels

Ladyanonymous · 17/12/2009 20:53

That sounds like emotional abuse to me

Original poster
ChickandDuck · 17/12/2009 20:54

I also find it hard to be affectionate because I always feel like he's pushing for sex, we can't just have a cuddle, which drives even more of a wedge between us.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChickandDuck · 17/12/2009 20:55

Ripeberry, he'll usually sulk and be in a bad mood for a day or so.

How can I lower his sex drive?! Big pants perhaps....

OP posts:
MummyClausGoneCrazy · 17/12/2009 20:56

If i say no and DP's been holding it in for a few days i have no problems with him "sorting himself out"

he usually takes himself off to the bathroom first although he has on occasion done it next to me but i just went to sleep

Ripeberry · 17/12/2009 20:56

Maybe you should see a sex councillor, so they can teach him to be affectionate without the intercourse.
My DH is quite affectionate and when we sit on the sofa, he will lean his head on me and hold hands and we can have cuddles, that is enough for us.
He's lucky if he gets it once a month

FabIsGettingReadyForXmas · 17/12/2009 20:56

YANBU

Do not have sex with him unless you want too and show him where his hand is if he wants it.

dollius · 17/12/2009 20:57

FGS, you sound quite downtrodden.
Does he have any respect for you at all?

LeoniedElf · 17/12/2009 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
ChickandDuck · 17/12/2009 20:58

Maybe this situation is worse than I thought...

OP posts:
Ripeberry · 17/12/2009 20:59

Lower his sex drive....let me think, as you said Nora Batty tights and pretend pimples maybe?
Or get him to have a cold shower when he gets the urge.
But seriously,he needs to be shown how to 'love' without sex.

sherby · 17/12/2009 20:59

I have a DH with a very high sex drive too.

I can't believe people are saying he should 'lower his sex drive'. Obviously it is a problem and a comprimise should be reached but we would all be up in arms if he was implying that she should do something to up her sex drive to please him.

People have to be somewhere on the range of high-low.

chickanduck, I understand where you are coming from. We have reached a comprimise of about 3/4 times a week now after years of issues about it. You need to keep talking talking talking and try to explain you are not a walking sex aid, your needs are as valid as his.