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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my DP to just deal with the fact that I don't want to have sex every night?

67 replies

ChickandDuck · 17/12/2009 20:41

We have 2 DS's, 4yo and 1yo. I'm shattered alot of the time and don't have a very high sex drive. We have sex 4/5 times a week, I'd be happy with 3 times.

DP will be in a mood, and frankly quite unpleasant at times if we don't have sex.

I feel like I have to meet the needs of the two DC all day, when they've gone to bed I just want to empty my head and relax, but then I feel hassled into having sex when I might not necessarily want to just to 'keep the peace'

Should I make more of an effort....?

OP posts:
Original poster
ChickandDuck · 17/12/2009 21:00

Seriously though, any tips for lowering sex drive... a special herbal tea, some pills that can be crushed [sinister emoticon]

OP posts:
FabIsGettingReadyForXmas · 17/12/2009 21:00

This isn't him wanting sex every night to show her how much he loves her.

dollius · 17/12/2009 21:01

Chicky, most people go through waves of it. DH and I will have a couple of weeks of doing it most nights and then three weeks of not doing it at all.
It is usually about how tired we are.
But we are still very close and affectionate/sexual in between and there isn't any resentment.
That is what is normal.
(I think).

Original poster
ChickandDuck · 17/12/2009 21:01

x- posts!

OP posts:
sherby · 17/12/2009 21:01

since when did people have sex to show how much they love each other

dollius · 17/12/2009 21:02

"we would all be up in arms if he was implying that she should do something to up her sex drive to please him"

Er, he sulks for two days if he is refused. I think this is exactly what he is doing

Original poster
ChickandDuck · 17/12/2009 21:03

sherby, I just hate the thought of it being me just satisfing his needs. But I never get chance to instigate it because he is permanantly like a dog on heat!

OP posts:
ArizonaBarker · 17/12/2009 21:03

That sounds pretty awful.

How old is he?

dollius · 17/12/2009 21:03

Sherby - sex is definitely about expressing love, closeness and intimacy in my relationship.

Original poster
ChickandDuck · 17/12/2009 21:04

He does actually say it's because he fancies me so much that his sex drive is so high and I should be flattered

OP posts:
Georgimama · 17/12/2009 21:05

Bromide in his tea.

Seriously, this is fucked up. Does he really want you to put out just to stop him sulking? Or does he not care whether you want sex or not?

sherby · 17/12/2009 21:06

hmm well no the sulking is not on, but DH does get v physically tense after a few days and snappy etc.

I honestly don't think it is something he is doing on purpose, he seems to need that 'release' iyswim

And before you all say well wank then, he does but says its not the same thing

ArizonaBarker · 17/12/2009 21:06

What is he like as a lover?
Is he as interested in your pleasure as he is his own?

Original poster
ChickandDuck · 17/12/2009 21:07

He's 34, I'm 25.

I think ideally he wants my sex drive to be as high as his (in his mind he wants me to fancy him as much as he does me, which I do, I just dont want to have sex all the time!)

OP posts:
sherby · 17/12/2009 21:07

lol we just do it cause it feels nice

dittany · 17/12/2009 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Georgimama · 17/12/2009 21:08

Send them to the gym. Kick boxing or something.

Original poster
ChickandDuck · 17/12/2009 21:10

Sherby - he definitley does need the realease.

He is very interested in my pleasure as much as his own.

A while ago we had to abstain from sex for 4 weeks as I had an operation. He was very tense but not the way he is when I decline sex. We did other stuff, but not as much.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChickandDuck · 17/12/2009 21:11

dittany - he's always had a high sex drive, as did I until I became pregnant with DS2. We still had a good social life before and weekends we'd be having sex 3 times a night! But our situation has changed dramatically now

OP posts:
Original poster
ChickandDuck · 17/12/2009 21:12

Georgimama - he plays too much sport as it is. But kickboxing might be a good release

OP posts:
Georgimama · 17/12/2009 21:14

Maybe the amount of sport he plays is feeding his testosterone levels? Not a scientist, don't really understand these things.

I say bromide in his tea. Don't know how you get it though.

SantaClausImWorthIt · 17/12/2009 21:15

When his need for sex overrides your fatigue and interest, something is wrong. He does have to consider your situation and I think, personally, he's being deeply unpleasant and even predatory. He is considering only his own needs and not how you might feel.

You have to talk to him about it and make it clear to him that you are not just a piece of meat to be used for his own 'release'.

And I think that is an excuse that men use, IMO.

ijustwanttoaskaquestion · 17/12/2009 21:17

My labido has gone lately, not sure why - my poor DP he's very confused bless him! So MY labido is flagging (worried) but its not his fault, its also not mine - he needs to learn to get me in the mood! waggling his willy in my face just doesn't cut it these days .

Could it be the problem here - oh hang on, you are already doing it 4/5 days out of 7! Thats quite a lot.

Ive tried telling DP to have a wank but it turns me on so i end up giving in - lol

All joking aside, you need to talk about this - because he hasn't learnt how to do loving without sex he might be feeling neglected emotionally, if he can learn that a cuddle doesnt necc lead to a rumble, then it takes the pressure off

dollius · 17/12/2009 21:18

"lol we just do it cause it feels nice "

Well, you could do that with anyone, couldn't you?

You can't treat another person as a means to do something that "feels nice". It should be about more than that.

No?

tispity · 17/12/2009 21:28

oh - just give him the brush off in a humourous way and he won't take offence - my dh makes initial attempts several times a day; most of the time i tell him where to go (online??). he never feels offended, honestly.