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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect my DP to just deal with the fact that I don't want to have sex every night?

67 replies

ChickandDuck · 17/12/2009 20:41

We have 2 DS's, 4yo and 1yo. I'm shattered alot of the time and don't have a very high sex drive. We have sex 4/5 times a week, I'd be happy with 3 times.

DP will be in a mood, and frankly quite unpleasant at times if we don't have sex.

I feel like I have to meet the needs of the two DC all day, when they've gone to bed I just want to empty my head and relax, but then I feel hassled into having sex when I might not necessarily want to just to 'keep the peace'

Should I make more of an effort....?

OP posts:

Brunettelady · 17/12/2009 21:32

OMG!! 4/5 times a week! I'm so glad to read others that say this would be their amount in a year. He really sounds like he is pressuring you and you shouldn't have to put up with that.

MeltedTreeChocolates · 17/12/2009 21:33

Why dont you tell him that 3 times a week in which you WANT to have sex will be (excuse the term) 'a better shag' than 4/5 times a week when it isn't wanted?

He is being totally unreasonable and needs to be told. You need to get it sorted.

crankytwanky · 17/12/2009 21:36

Wow! 4/5 times a week is probably more than average for parents! You need to let him know that.

I'm lucky if I get it 4/5 times a month! I feel personaly very upset when DH rejects me, but I can't force him. It's maybe more of an emotional thing though for women.

dittany · 17/12/2009 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

poorbuthappy · 17/12/2009 21:41

I have to remind my husband about once a month that to him, sex means love and intimacy. To me love and intimacy means spending quality time together (with and without the kids!!) which then usually results in sex (ummmm after kids are in bed obviously )... he is simply programmed differently to me.

so in order for me to be in the mood there has to be some work done beforehand... I never want sex if we haven't spoken all night...or I am knackered...or stressed...or worried about something...

Assuming you feel something similar have you had this conversation?

lovechoc · 17/12/2009 21:45

ha, 4-5 times a week! DH would be lucky getting it once a month! Even then we've went weeks without it for one reason or another because of illness or tiredness (usually the latter!!).

seriously though, if you don't want it, tell him to f off. you should not be pressurised into having sex against your will. It is wrong and unacceptable.

MumNWLondon · 17/12/2009 21:46

YANBU but you know that as everyone else has told you.

4/5 times a week is a lot esp if you have little children. In fact 3 times a week is probably a lot when you have 2 young kids...

Also having sex to keep the peace doesn't sound like fun.

ExSexKitten · 17/12/2009 21:47

Chickandduck - are you're sure you're not me and your DH isn't mine? I am in exactly the same position, and we had an almighty row about it last week. We used to be at it every night of the week, sometimes twice a day, for about the first 3 years of our relationship (he was away a lot during the week though with work, so it was lots in short bursts, IYSWIM), but then he changed jobs and we now live together 24/7 and I couldn't keep up. Then we had DD and my libido is nowhere near what it used to be, and I would be happy with 2 - 3 times a week (which is generally what we do now) but he still wants it every night of the week!

He doesn't sulk if he doesn't get it, but it does build up to the point where he gets upset that I'm not being as overtly sexy as I used to be (nice underwear, dirty talk etc) and I feel like he needs to understand that relationships change, but he wants me back how I used to be, swinging from the chandeliers, snogging girls and spanking him in fetish clubs (really....)... now I want it to be much more ?vanilla?, and want sex to be something that is more intimate and loving and what we both want to do at the same time, not just because he is horny again... but I have to accept that it is me that has changed, not him, and therefore it?s on me to come and meet him somewhere in the middle again, not just expect him to ?lower his libido?... he married the sex kitten, so it?s not really fair for him to just put up and shut up with someone who now only wants it 2 or 3 times a week, and not tying each other up in knots, because that?s what I want (or don?t want, if you get me).

So I?m trying to up my game, he?s trying to quench his thirst ? but it?s a 2 way street, and I think a lot of people on here just saying ?he should be thankful!? or ?he?s just using you? is a tad unfair to your DH. I do think he (like mine!) needs to reign it in a bit though ? every night is just exhausting!

Sorry I?ve gone on a bit...

lovechoc · 17/12/2009 21:48

and tell him to have a w**k if he needs to get 'satisfaction' when you are not interested in doing it. it's the least he can do to respect your wishes.

SantaClausImWorthIt · 17/12/2009 22:14

It is, perhaps, a cliche - but men want sex to feel that they are loved, whereas women need to feel that they are loved before they want sex.

Could it be, perhaps, that your DP is a teeny bit jealous of the attention that you're giving your children?

Fibilou · 17/12/2009 22:25

Fuck me, you can tell your DH he is lucky sod. My DH would wonder what on earth I had done if he got it once a week - let alone 4/5 times ! He is lucky to get it once a fortnight at the moment.

I cannot understand why they get so set on the whole thing when they can quite clearly see you are not enjoying it and it is just turning into another chore to complete.

Why should his need for sex come first ?

Original poster

ChickandDuck · 18/12/2009 08:13

Sorry I dissapeared, he came home early and we had a blazing row about it!

poorbuthappy - nail on the head!

santaclaus - he does say he can't understand why I have all this energy with the kids and not for him. errrr thats cos it's my job

Thing is, he says he hates the fact that sex is always on my terms (he doesn't understand that I just give in for the sake of it sometimes). But if he wants it every noght and I only want it a few times, thats gonna be how it is?

Have suggested relate to him as we get now where talking, although he did apologise last night after I told him I feel bullied.

OP posts:

Original poster

ChickandDuck · 18/12/2009 08:14

oh, and thank you for your post exsexkitten (very apt name!!) good to get another perspective!

OP posts:

lovechoc · 18/12/2009 18:15

just tell him to have a w**k if he pesters you and you are not interested. why degrade yourself and give in to him and let it seem like a 'chore'. have some respect for yourself.

Stigaloid · 18/12/2009 18:31

Wow - we are lucky if we manage more than once a month!

cornishgal · 18/12/2009 18:44

We have the same sort of mismatch - he's horny, I'm not - and occasional rows about it. But we think we're doing well if we do it 4/5 times a month! He is quite a go-er, your other half. Feel sorry for you, there's nothing worse (or less seductive) than being pestered for sex, and your kids are v young, you must be knackered. Think really he needs to be more reasonable. If my ds was offered a definite 3 x a week, he'd be ecstatic.

BooHooo · 18/12/2009 19:03

Wow that is a LOT of sex. He sounds like a dog in heat!

I have a higher sex drive that my DH and would love to have sex lots more often but I can't force him. But your situation does sound unhappy if you are at the point of rowing about it. It's only sex after all. It won't kill him not to have it!

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