Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

That I don't want my DH to go skiing by himself when I am 7 months pregnant?

94 replies

MumNWLondon · 17/12/2009 14:18

Am I being unreasonable?

DH says he wants to go skiing for 4 days in Feb. Its from a sat night to wed night. I work so I'd have to get both DC up and to school for 8.30am by myself, and put them to bed by myself. Also would have to manage a sunday by myself.

DH who is usually quite helpful says he could do with a break before the baby comes and that he is stressed by work.

OP posts:

somethinganything · 17/12/2009 17:43

Gosh - I don't think YABU at all. I suppose I don't blame him for asking either but you're both working full-time, you've both got the responsability of two DCS to look after and you have the extra issue of being heavily pregnant. I'm 7 months pregnant myself and know how hard it can be managing work, childcare and pregnancy related exhaustion - and I only have one toddler to cope with.

I imagine you could do with a break before the new baby arrives too. And despite what others have said, it just might not be the best time for you to take a Spa break or similar. Nights out are one thing (and I don't really begrudge DH going out and getting pissed etc) but 4 days is a big ask IMO

Tortington · 17/12/2009 17:45

awwwww diddums

you will need a break after the baby

book yourself 4 days in say august love.

tell him you anticipate being quite stressed at that point and he is to book the time off work NOW.

mistletoekisses · 17/12/2009 17:46

I am in turn am shocked at the number of women who do not want/ let/ allow their DH's off for breaks on their own!!!

Marriage/ partnership/ parenthood is a stage of life, not prison! Why wouldnt a responsible/ trustworthy person be 'permitted' to go on hols alone??

If my DH 'refused' me a few days away with my friends, I would be absolutely appalled. I am his wife, not his chattel. And the same applies the other way round.

The only time I would think this outrageous is if there were financial restrictions that meant the family had to do without. But the OP has quite clearly stated that is not the case.

tobago04 · 17/12/2009 17:52

What does his sister think about it? I would'nt be very happy if my DH suggested taking someone away when their misses is 7mths pregnant,it's a bit of a thoughtless idea on his behalf,i don't see why your being called a loon for being annoyed at your dH going away for pleasure while you struggle with work ,pregnancy and 2 dc,like you say it would be different if it was for work

QuintessentialShadows · 17/12/2009 17:53

He can take the 6 year old with him, and book her in for skiing classes. Never too young to learn to ski!

Our 7 year old took to it like a duck to water last year, and our 4 year olds will be hitting the slopes this winter. (The slopes are behind our house, so we have season tickets.)

vulpes · 17/12/2009 17:54

plus, i dont get the whole wanting to go away without your partner thing. (without the kids i can quite understand....)

Undercovasanta · 17/12/2009 18:01

'I am in turn am shocked at the number of women who do not want/ let/ allow their DH's off for breaks on their own!!!

Marriage/ partnership/ parenthood is a stage of life, not prison! Why wouldnt a responsible/ trustworthy person be 'permitted' to go on hols alone?? '

Under normal circumstances I would agree with you, but the OP will be 7 mths pg with 2 other children to look after, and working f/t. That is HARD work at the best of times, but with (presumably) your only help/support going away on hols for 4 days, it may well be a nightmare.

BTW, what would worry me most would be the using up of annual leave prior to the baby being born. For all your DH knows you might need a cs and lots of support.

fluffles · 17/12/2009 18:07

sorry, only read first couple of pages but i'd say that if money is ok then i would absolutely 'let him' go but the following weekend take yourself off on a nice break and have some reflexology and a nice spa/swim and a day or two without any kids and read a book to get your head together and recover from the manic weekend without him.

Pollyanna · 17/12/2009 18:09

yabu in my opinion. my dh went skiing when I was 38 weeks pregnant leaving me with our youngest. It was hard as dd2 who I was left with was an absolute terror and I was slightly worried that the baby would come early, but he had a great time and it was all fine (he did take some of our older children with him though). As long as he doesn't then say that he won't have any leave to take once the baby comes then it is fine imo.

in fact my dh went away during one of my other pregnancies too leaving me with the children. I really don't see the problem.

fluffles · 17/12/2009 18:11

i don't understand why this is a competition to see who can be most miserable - yes OP is tired and so is her DH, why not BOTH have a break from family life... just cause OP can't stop being pregnant doesn't mean she can't have a lovely day or two to herself and just cause her DH is not pregnant doesn't mean that he might not like a weekend away skiing.

my DF and i both appreciate that both of us need to have a rest and exercise and time to ourselves in order to give each other the best of ourselves... life is not a competition to be the most miserable and tired and stressed. ok it's not fair that OP is pregnant and her DH is not but that doesn't mean that DH has to 'suffer' on her behalf, both should do what they can (within the family means) to be healthy and happy, mentally, emotionally and physically.

Fibilou · 17/12/2009 18:15

Original poster

MumNWLondon · 17/12/2009 18:18

I work three days, Mon-Wed, I plan to take off at least 3 weeks before the baby is born (although this will be during school easter holidays, although should have one week after they are back at school).

My SIL is not very pleased - she has a 2 year old and a baby, both very difficult and she has no help. But she is used to her DH going on these holidays - he's been every year so she is resigned to it.

My MIL has offered for us both to move in with her for the week but this has complications such as the fact its a 30 min drive (instead of 10 min walk) to school. She probably would come and help in the evenings, but I have a nanny who picks up from school I guess its the mornings that will be hard.

OP posts:

Fibilou · 17/12/2009 18:18

It's not about being a competition to see who can be the most miserable ffs. It's about supporting your spouse when they need you.
And if you can't see that being 7 months PG with two relatively small children adn being at work is a time when you should be able to rely on your spouse, well I think you're either lying through your teeth to try and look liberal and cool or you have some very peculiar attitudes towards partnership

Fibilou · 17/12/2009 18:20

And i really cannot understand all these people that think for a good break you need to get away from your loved ones.

You've got married, had a family. You aren't single any more.

pyjamababe · 17/12/2009 18:25

This is so interesting as I have TOLD my dh to go away skiing without me in Jan and I am 7 months pregnant also. It is our first though, and I can slope off to my mum's...(no pun)

I guess the difference is that I offered, he didn't ask, so I don't feel put upon and I don't have any other C to care for.

What about a spa day if your friends are all tied up? Or just bank it for future use when you need time out?

I think it's healthy and good for your relationship to do things like this, but we are fairly newleyweds so what do I know??!!

upahill · 17/12/2009 18:28

Well the one thing I am definatly not is liberal and cool- my kids will vouch for that and my attitudes to relationships, I think are quite healthy after all I have been with DH for 20 years and we laugh and enjoy things together.
However I have been thinking about this thread as I've been getting ready for work.

I wonder where the polarisation of ideas come from. Is it what people have seen from their parents? My mum and dad still very happy after 46/ 47 years together but both of them had freedom. I remember my mum and her mates wearing long maxi dresses in the 70's getting ready to go clubbing. My mum and her friends have always had holidays and my dad has gone away with his mates.

My DH parents were quite a bit older - if she was still alive MIL would be 90 now but she too had a lot of freedom.

So no I'm not being liberal (Kids say I should be on world's strictest parents!!)but probably following my parents lifestyle and DH following what he saw. I don't know. Just an idea. Following that only the OP can do what she wants and no amount of debate on here will help. She has to be true to her own feelings I suppose.

Fibilou · 17/12/2009 18:29

pyjamababe - mine has been to kosovo and romania while i've been PG - when I was newly pregnant and just recently at 33 weeks.
However, I didn't have the rest of the stuff to juggle that the OP has.

wearthefoxhat · 17/12/2009 18:30

My dh and I have never had a holiday apart, and if he decided he wanted one when I was 2 minutes pregnant, let alone 7 months, I would be royally pissed off!

Fibilou · 17/12/2009 18:32

Upahill, I certainly don't have a problem with DH going away on his own - as borne out by my last post. I'm pretty liberal with him and he has lots of freedom to do what he wants. I also think a big issue is that I didn't mind him going - I don't think OP said whether she had asked her DH not to go and he has made a fuss.

But I do think that having 2 children and being pregnant does change things somewhat - surely he could wait until another time ? It's not as if you can't ski every year is it ?

upahill · 17/12/2009 18:37

I don't think people are thinking it's a break from the family and I agree once you are married quite clearly you can't act single. However just because you are married it doesn't follow that your partner will acquire the same intersts as you or you have to ditch the things that make your life buzz.

There is no way DH would go caving, mountain biking or go wild camping in January or December. Am I supposd to spend the rest of my life NOT doing these things that give me pleasure. Is DH supposed to not go to Belgum and other places for the Formula1 because he is married and I am not the slightest bit interested.?
Bloody Hell it's not worth thinking about!!

upahill · 17/12/2009 18:38

Sorry Fibilou X post!!

Fibilou · 17/12/2009 18:38

But surely you would pick a suitable time to do it - not go at a time when you knew your DH was likely to need you most ?

Original poster

MumNWLondon · 17/12/2009 18:43

My DH and I also have never had a holiday apart - we have been married for 12 years(other than a couple of stag weekends), and yet the first time he has ever said he wanted one is when I will be 7 months pregnant!

He went to NY for a week with work last year which was fine and away for a couple of stag weekends, one when I was 7 months pregnant with DD which was fine I was really happy for him to go as she is my oldest.

I have said I am not very keen but we haven't discussed it again.

re: spa day frankly don't see point, have membership at a gym, I go on days I don't work and at weekend, can't use jacuzzi/sauna/steam room while pregnant.

OP posts:

pyjamababe · 17/12/2009 18:52

Fair enough NW, just an idea. I'm sure I only offered for my DH to go because it's our first baby. I'd like to think I'd be happy for him to go after the baby but I expect that it's just because I'm in denial that our days of freedom are numbered.

I suppose the only way to get a few days completly away might be to do it in shifts like this, and I think anything up to 3/4 nights is ok, provided you have support from extended family and aren't being left to cope alone.

If you had relatives that would take the children for a couple of nights you could have a romantic weekend together when he gets back? You're already pregnant so you don't have to worry about mishaps

Fibilou · 17/12/2009 18:57

I just asked my DH what he thought - he thinks it's unreasonable timing. And his first reaction was "he's over the side"

Flip

1 2 3 4