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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

That I don't want my DH to go skiing by himself when I am 7 months pregnant?

94 replies

MumNWLondon · 17/12/2009 14:18

Am I being unreasonable?

DH says he wants to go skiing for 4 days in Feb. Its from a sat night to wed night. I work so I'd have to get both DC up and to school for 8.30am by myself, and put them to bed by myself. Also would have to manage a sunday by myself.

DH who is usually quite helpful says he could do with a break before the baby comes and that he is stressed by work.

OP posts:

FakePlasticChristmasTrees · 17/12/2009 15:48

I would say you are being a little mean. Could you take the Monday & Tuesday off work so at least you're at home and not working when he's not there?

Maybe book yourself in to a day spa while DC's are at school so it's not that hard to cope with them in the evening?

MummyDragon · 17/12/2009 15:49

Hhhhmmm ... I would have felt the same way as you (but then I was one of those women who was sick for the whole nine months of pregnancy and simply was not well enough to look after the DCs on my own. I needed someone around to look after the DCs while my head was down the toilet!).

As for "he needs a break before the baby arrives" - well, I'm sure you'd like a break from being heavily pregnant and I completely agree with Vinegar. She put it perfectly!

Do you ever get to go away by yourself when you're not pregnant?

VinegarTinselTits · 17/12/2009 15:56

so you have carried the extra weight of his child for last 7 months, with possible morning sickness, cravings, headaches, swollen limbs, tireness (And even if you have an easy pg it is still very tiring) PLUS you work, and soon you will be going through the trauma of labour, not to mention you have 2 other dc to care for, and HE needs a break,

how terribly thoughtful he is

tobago04 · 17/12/2009 16:00

I really feel for you,it's a bit rich him saying he needs a break when your the one thats pregnant,working and looking after 2 other kids,my DH is going away for 2 weekends next year when i will be 7mths pregnant and we have got 2 dc too,but i do'nt mind as they were already planned before i got pregnant and one is a stag do of 3 very close friends and the other weekend is a golf weekend he always goes on with his dad,i would be pissed off at the fact that he said 'he needs a break',wheres your break?

midori1999 · 17/12/2009 16:18

Just tell him it's fine for him to go, provided he doesn't mind looking after baby and the other children in the summer while you go on a girly holiday somewhere exotic...

Personally, I think this board must have the most reasonable people in the world on it, as I don't know many omen who wouldn't be at least a little bit peeved their husband was going away on his own when they weren't pregnant, let alone when they were. It's a bit selish of him, tbh, wanting to go away when you can't.

Are there any relatives who can have your two children so you can get a few days away together?

CarryOnDancing · 17/12/2009 16:20

YANBU. I understand he fancies a jolly, don't we all, but what does he need a break from exactly? Seems like hes possibly just dressing his desire for a holiday in baby clothes.

Surely if anyone deserves a break its the one who has given up their body for 9months for the 3rd time. Maybe if it was in the 2nd trimester it would be more reasonable, but being 36 weeks pregnant myself I know that getting out of bed is tiring enough, never mind chasing 2 other children around.

I don't think you should make him feel bad for wanting a break as maybe he is extra stressed atm but it isn't unreasonable to explain you feel you just can't manage his trip and that he shouldn't expect you too. Afterall if he already needs a break how on earth does he expect you to manage with his share of the load too?

OrmIrian · 17/12/2009 16:22

YABU. But I can understand why.

GetOrfMoiLand · 17/12/2009 16:23

I think YABU. Let him go it's only 4 days. A 3 and 6 year old doesn't sound too hideous tbh.

Understandably you are tired etc so make out ypou are making a huge concession in letting him go skiing, and make sure it is reciprocated.

mistletoekisses · 17/12/2009 16:27

Midori - I am not peeved at the prospect, simply because I think it nice for everyone to get a break once in a while if that is what they want to do. And only if the other half is happy with it.

I sent DH off to a 4 day wedding in Tuscany minus DS and I when DS was small as the logistics with a baby were too mind boggling to consider. He had a fantastic time!
And I absolutely plan on getting a weekend away with my girlfriends once DC2 is born and a little older. I feel NY or Barcelona beckoning.

upahill · 17/12/2009 16:28

I think it's a perfectly Ok thing for him to do. He's talking about 4 days and you said you can afford it. Unless you have complications in your pregnancy there is no reason for him not to. He's going to have to go skiing in February because any later and there is a chance the baby will be here and if he leaves it until the babay has arrived it will be end of the skiing season.

grenadine · 17/12/2009 16:52

YANBU - If you like skiing its not fair for him to go off skiing while you are pregnant and unable to. I don't think managing the DCs would be a problem its more the fact of him taking an expensive holiday on his own...unless you can have a four day spa break on your own when you have finished breast feeding.

If he needs a break he can take four days off at home and enjoy his children .

Fibilou · 17/12/2009 16:53

"Personally, I think this board must have the most reasonable people in the world on it"

Doormats would be a more appropriate phrase imo

annatw9 · 17/12/2009 16:59

ideally he wouldnt have booked it, but if you ask him to cancel now, he will almost certainly resent it and perhaps do a 'long term simmer' that will come back to haunt you! better to elicit promises of significant help with baby and other children in return for him going away.

Original poster

MumNWLondon · 17/12/2009 17:01

Am enjoying the varying opinions!

To respond:

I can't go on spa break unless I go on my own all my girlfriends have their own small DC, so they will not be going anywhere.

DH would happily take the DC somewhere by himself for a few days if I wanted him to.

If it makes a difference (and it probably doesn't) the baby is his idea, I was perfectly happy with 2 DC.

I have easy pregnancies, would of course manage, would just be even more tiring than normal. Taking days off work not an option its a busy time of year can't take time off then, and it might not help as would still have to get them out to school etc.

If it makes a difference he has never wanted to do anything like this before, for example would have been perfectly happy about it last Feb when I wasn't pregnant, was about to leave my old job (hence work not stressful) and we had a full time nanny as DS wasn't at nursery. He only wants to go as his BIL has suggested it. He is not a good skier, he just thought a few days away sounded nice.

He wants a break as he is not especially happy a work, he knows not possible after the baby comes.

He is generally helpful, so I should just say I'll manage.

OP posts:

upahill · 17/12/2009 17:04

Fibilou. I disagree with you about the doormat comment. I just wish my DH would go away to more Grand Prix weekends and relax more! It would do him the world of good. He is self employed and like many other people who are self employed -both male and female find it hard to break away from work and relax. I don't think that makes me a doormat.

In the case of MumNW, the OP, I don't think her DH request is unreasonable PROVIDED that it is a two way street i.e. when she want to have a long weekend with her mates it's not a problem.
Sure she's 7 months pregnant but she doesn't state that she has any complications or problems. She would have to manage Sunday. I really don't get what there is to manage. You make the day as hard or as easy as you like. Mon- Wed the kids are at school.

It must be really frustrating if you're into a hobby and your partner doesn't share the same enthusaism and holds you back.

Fibilou · 17/12/2009 17:12

upahill, surely you agree though that there is a time and a place for doing things on your own - and leaving your wife at 7 months pregnant with 2 children for 4 days just so you can go skiing is, imo, not it.

It seems to me that a lot of women are allowing their DHs to get away with living an essentially single life - just look at the thread where the 38 week pregnant woman can't get her husband to stop going out and getting pissed and he thinks she is unreasonable to expect him to stop. And other people on the board, rather extraordinarily, seem to agree with him

I just cannot believe that so many women seem quite happy with this situation and seem to think it's unreasonable to make any demands of their husbands at all. Is that really what they signed up for ?

HappyBump · 17/12/2009 17:21

I think the OP doesn't really it is unreasonable. He sounds like he is a lovely DH. I think she knows it will be hard work and probably can't really face it although she knows she will be perfectly fine ...

I say this because I have just agreed to my DH to go skiing in March, five weeks after the birth of our second child. I have agreed because I know it will do him the world of good as he works really hard long hours. Obviously, as the time approaches I will most probably regret my decision and will be kicking myself VERY hard for saying it is okay.

Original poster

MumNWLondon · 17/12/2009 17:23

Fibilou - exactly, if his work required him to go somewhere (he went last year to NY for a week with work) then of course that would be fine.

OP posts:

DoesntChristmasDragOn · 17/12/2009 17:26

"I'd have to get both DC up and to school for 8.30am by myself, and put them to bed by myself. Also would have to manage a sunday by myself"

[snort] You're a loon. It will be fine. "let" him go and bank the time for you to use in the future.

mazzystartled · 17/12/2009 17:30

YABU
but if you will be exhausted, draft in some help whilst he is away - babysitter/mother's help/family/friends. If you can afford skiing you can afford help
CAVEAT - if he is shite at skiing, or has never been before and there is a danger of bone breakage - he should reconsider. It would be bad timing for a leg in plaster and subfunctioning DH

vulpes · 17/12/2009 17:33

am amazed so many ladies are happy for thier DHs to go off on holidays without them.

i would say HELLLLL no, suck it up buddy!

wheres MY frikken holiday??

sheesh, so WHAT if he is a good guy, helps with the kids etc etc, thats the least you should expect from him (i bet its the least you expect from yourself).

upahill · 17/12/2009 17:34

Fibilou.... I agree with you about the irresponsible husbands and boyfriend who are getting pissed while their partners are heavy pregnant. Of course that is not acceptable behaviour but in this case the DH is asking only asking for 4 days away. Not even a week. 4 days away is hardly living a single life.

I would encourage him to go and look forward to my skiing holiday next year either with my mates, DH or by myself.

MamaLazarou · 17/12/2009 17:36

YANBU. I would ask him not to.

upahill · 17/12/2009 17:41

Vulpes....That was sort of my point,no problem with him going AS LONG as it is a two way street and that the OP is OK to have a break when she wants. However if she thinks he would be unreasonable when it is her turn I would say fair enough don't allow it.

MummyDragon · 17/12/2009 17:43

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