that 50-50 res is AWFUL for kids & mothers and women should fight back?

[rageagainstthe50res]

OK, hands up, i name-changed, because this is so emotionally charged and I don't want to be alienated from my usual threads.

BUT, AIBU to think that actually 50-50 parenting is fucking awful for kids? I mean, can you imagine living your life between two houses? Just how disorientating and unsettling it would be?

And AIBU to think that women have given away too many of their own rights in the name of 'fathers' rights?' I LOVE my father, and my DS loves hers, even though we're not together but in 99% of all parenting cases I know it is the woman who does the laundry, the packed lunches, the kiss it betters, the costumes for the nativity.

We don't have gender equality in this country - salary discrepancies, violence against women, flagrant misogyny in the media etc. Yet the few rights we do hold - that we should be the primary parent because we grow our children inside us and feed them from our own bodies, we now glibly throw away to 'fathers'. I AM NOT SAYING FATHERS SHOULD BE DENIED ACCESS TO THEIR CHILDREN. But I do think 50-50 is too much. And you're telling me that women don't HATE having their kids only 50% of the time? I'm sure most of them are absolutely miserable. A weekend off, great, but 50-50 just sounds heinous.
REally, I'm not being an arse, I'm just massively curious.

its not mothers or fathers rights...its the childs.

so if 50/50 is too much....what would be better??

obviously its not too much

and I'm quite sure there are plenty of decent fathers who miss their children the other 50% of the time

oh and

A child is not the property of the mother.

My husband would do anything to have his kids live with them but their mother would make it so difficult that the kids would be caught in the middle. For the record he is way more attentive to them than she is BUT that must be a lie of course because she is the woman and therefore must be right.

A weekend off you say? THAT is exactly how many of you see their ex-partners - unpaid babysitters.

And the court view it as the rights of the child to see both parents equally.

Infact THAT is such a stupid ignorant thing to post.

I think it depends on the age of the DC and how they feel. I've no personal experience but am only going on what I have seen/heard from others, both adults and children. The older DCs I know of in this situation are fine with it and get 'spoilt' in a way, with 2 bedrooms to paint in their favourite colour and cover in posters etc and normally have some flexibility so they can choose whether they will stay with Mum or with Dad when possible. For younger DC it may be very different, and yes, I agree that it probably galls and hurts many mums to have this arrangement if it is forced upon them.

It also depends on the background - imho all too often a father is given such opportunities even if he has been violent to the mother, which would make me spit feathers (and tell him he had no chance, but thats just me). I was lucky - my violent ex-H refused to see my DC, so I didn't have to consider this situation but I will admit openly that had he fought for shared care I would have fought back, tooth and nail.

rolls eyes

I am going to bed.

I think 50-50 is shit for the child and just selfish of the parents.
I do think that most of the time, the Dc are better off with the mother, but each case needs to be looked at.
Most of all mums and dads should not use the dc to get at each other. I've had it done to me by my ex and dont retaliate. Children remember this stuff. I know I lost a lot of respect for my parents for the shitty way they used me.

and of course there is no such thing as SAHD's either is there .

or even fathers who do the things that you mention

I know it's not popular here to say so, but I think in a lot of cases, YANBU.

But not all cases. Sometimes, men are a better carer for their children. It's hard to generalise and ultimately you have to do what is best for each particular family.

But I don't know that 50/50 as default is the right thing. In a lot of families, mothers do play a more nurturing role. Why is the term 'SAHM' so popular? Why are there more SAHMs than SAHDs? The answer to that is complicated and has a lot to do with society and biology (women carry and feed babies) but the point is, in most households, the woman DOES do the 'mothering' and would be the most missed by the children. Men in general DO have a tendency to be the one to work and have more of an outside life. I'm not saying this situation is right, but this is how our society is and because of this, I feel children do in general need their mothers most. I also know in pretty much every family I know, the dads would cope with seeing the children less often than the mothers and would probably prefer that situation.

The answer is always to do what is right for the child, but that means taking into account the lifestyle of the parents. If you have a superdad who doesn't go to the pub all the time, has flexible working hours and can cook, clean etc. etc. then great, 50/50 access is fine. But I don't think /most/ British families are like that.

Looking,
She didnt say that did she?

in more seriousness - basically agree with Vallhala's post. Depends very much on the circumstances and how it's done.

And what of those mothers who are shite - should they be given larger part of the residence purely because they're the mother.

I suspect the father I know at DS1's school would disagree - having been bring his 2 children up on his own since his wife buggered off with another man, she's seen them once in 3yrs - when she announced she was moving 200 miles away. Yes of course she should have them the majority of the time as she obviously cares so much more for them than the father.

i am talking primarily about young DCs. I think handing over a 6 month old, a 3 year old or even a 7 year old for a whole week without waking them up, picking them up from school and putting them to bed must be hell for women.

And yes, it must be awful for men too, and there's no real way to qualify this, but I just don't think men's life shift as profoundly as a woman's does when she gives birth. I actually physically long for DD (sorry i accidnetly put DS in my original post) when apart from her, and I'm the one she calls for when she wakes up from a bad dream/falls over etc.

She loves her dad, but she needs me more. I'm sorry, I just think it's ingrained in them. Even now, aged six, she absentmindedly strokes my breasts when she's upset. We have that unique bond, I MADE her, I FED her.

And I think it would be cruel to force her to split her life down the middle between me and her dad while she's this wee. She has got the rest of her life to enjoy a mature relationship with him, but I believe I should do the day-to-day care while she's a child. And I'm confused that we put up with so much shit as women, and yet this one area where our biology actually gives us the upper hand, we're suddenly concerned about men's feelings.

I can see I'm mostly alone in this though. (Ahoy, Vallhaha!)

Waht does mean anyway?

"but in 99% of all parenting cases I know it is the woman who does the laundry, the packed lunches, the kiss it betters, the costumes for the nativity. "

well I can quite catergorically state that the figure is no-where near as high as that.

I guess it's a shame that the OP obviously doesn't know many families who operate on a shared parenting basis.

And women should stay at home and the men should go to work

It's not ingrained - we nurtured that as a society.

We made it impossible to have truly shared parenting

We made mass commuting and long hours happen

We made it so that women carried on being the primary carers in most cases

IT CAN CHANGE IF WE WANT IT TO

You do mean 'we MADE her'

Just because we all know a guy who is a great dad, maybe doing it on their own, mother fucked off ect dosnt mean that all dads are like that. Think about it how many men sod off and dont support their dc compared to women?
And it seems to be ok to be a single dad but not a single mum.

I was a single parent for over a year (thought it was permanent) . I can honestly say hand on heart I had no issue handing over my 3 DC (then aged 1,5 and 7) for full weeks (during holidays - unfortunately DH (again) - was unable to do it as often as he would have liked because of work/living arrangements). DS1 and 2 lived for the time seeing their daddy. It used to break my heart more seeing them pining for him between visits than when I handed them over to stay with him.

IMO they shouldn't have to wait until they're older to forge a strong relationship with their father. Even when a couple are together it's usually a longer process (because of biology/nature etc etc) for the father to forge the relationship as it is.

OP, I like a good discussion, but I think on this one it isn't worth it.

Some people just want, want, want......

Growing a child inside you does not automatically make you the better parent.

Fight back? give me strength....

I genuinely don't know what to say to your post OP. It's just too silly to take seriously.

You don't know your facts. You don't seem to have a proper opinion. It's just utter nonsense.

I have to say I don't feel that I MADE my children myself.

I think DH had a bit of a part in it too

agree with alfa, lots of couples (maybe not OP) do share the parenting. My DC need their dad just as much as they need me. Yes, I carried them and gave birth to them, but if that were the only quantifier of need and connection then adoption wouldn't work at all.

You're primarily looking at this from the point of view of the parents, as a man vs woman thing. As others here have pointed out, child residency is supposed to be from the point of view of the child.

And there's nothing systemic that prevents a man from providing the same quality cuddles and sympathy that a woman can. I agree that society tends to expect the woman to look after the children and the man to earn the money but that kind of expectation says nothing about the actual capabilities of either sex for either of those roles.

Nevertheless, to take your example, I've never heard of 50:50 being done for a 6mo old child. Have you?

As an aside, Gingerbread estimates that 10% of single parents are men - do you think those children would automatically be better off with their mothers?

no kinnies - what I think is that too often we only hear about the shite dads who fucked off, not the good ones who are still fully (or as much as is possible when a split has occurred) involved in their child(rens) lives.

So instead of looking at the broader picture we only hear about the shit situation.

Rather like the relationships board on here - if you read that then you could easily beleive that the majority of MNers are in shite relationships..........that's because we (the British) don't seem to be very good at talking about the good stuff that happens.

I mean - how quickly would a thread in relationships saying "DH is wonderful - he did xyz" last compared to a thread "I can't believe what DH just did"

Same applies to Lone parents from what I saw last year when I posted on there regularly.

I agree Kinnies. Every case should be judged seperately.

But to deny the woman's role is craziness. I agree entirely with your last post, rage. The mother may well still be breastfeeding a baby or toddler.

There is a physical bond of hormones and pheromones after birth between mother and baby and to separate them would require exceptional circumstances imo.

I do think that '50-50' is often more about the parents' feelings and 'rights' than those of the children because it's often so impractical - unless parents live really close together then the DC are going to spend half their time with a longer and more difficult commute to school and regularly missing out on social activities with one set of friends because it's the other parent's turn to have them. So I would honestly think that is is better for DC to live with one parent and regularly visit or spend time with the other.
But I really do think such things should be assessed on a case-by-case basis and not gender-specific - there are awful mothers and excellent, loving fathers.