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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

that 50-50 res is AWFUL for kids & mothers and women should fight back?

375 replies

rageagainstthe50res · 16/12/2009 22:58

OK, hands up, i name-changed, because this is so emotionally charged and I don't want to be alienated from my usual threads.

BUT, AIBU to think that actually 50-50 parenting is fucking awful for kids? I mean, can you imagine living your life between two houses? Just how disorientating and unsettling it would be?

And AIBU to think that women have given away too many of their own rights in the name of 'fathers' rights?' I LOVE my father, and my DS loves hers, even though we're not together but in 99% of all parenting cases I know it is the woman who does the laundry, the packed lunches, the kiss it betters, the costumes for the nativity.

We don't have gender equality in this country - salary discrepancies, violence against women, flagrant misogyny in the media etc. Yet the few rights we do hold - that we should be the primary parent because we grow our children inside us and feed them from our own bodies, we now glibly throw away to 'fathers'. I AM NOT SAYING FATHERS SHOULD BE DENIED ACCESS TO THEIR CHILDREN. But I do think 50-50 is too much. And you're telling me that women don't HATE having their kids only 50% of the time? I'm sure most of them are absolutely miserable. A weekend off, great, but 50-50 just sounds heinous.
REally, I'm not being an arse, I'm just massively curious.

OP posts:
Original poster
rageagainstthe50res · 16/12/2009 23:38

I'm not saying that. I work, all right. But unlike my DD's dad, I shifted my hours to finish at 4 so that DD was shoved into childcare after school. This has meant i have missed out plenty of promotion opportunities and basically sacrificed what was a pretty high profile international career. But that's fine. I didn't want DD to suffer from my absence, and I dont' regret that. But her father certainly didn't bypass any career opportunities for him out of concern for her, and I think that's true of most men.

So yes, awassailing, it is a shame I don't know more examples of shared parenting. I see lots of considerate fathers, but none who have turned their lives around as much as the women.

Look, I would LOVE to meet this superdad, who as carmen says, does the cleaning, priortises kids over pub etc. I see lots of attempts at that, but i generally observe that the woman do most of the work. And it's shit, makes my blood boil, but it makes my blood boil more to see women make all these sacrifices then see their exHs demand 50-50 when the marriage breaks up.

OP posts:
MeltedTreeChocolates · 16/12/2009 23:39

I'm confused that we put up with so much shit as women, and yet this one area where our biology actually gives us the upper hand, we're suddenly concerned about men's feelings.

Contradiction. Men have the upper hand given by biology in that they are stronger and can make themselves more dominant. You don't like that clearly and clearly you are a women that wants equality, so don't be a hypocrite. You are just mocking feminism when there are those that are serious and have good points (even though I don't necessarily agree with them - I can at least take them seriously)

MeltedTreeChocolates · 16/12/2009 23:41

And they demand 50-50 because the child is just as much theirs as the mum's.......

TheCrackFox · 16/12/2009 23:41

I think it would take two incredibly grown up and mature parents to make 50/50 work. I doubt that description would suit me if DH and I ever divorced.

I do, however, question what this does to children. Do they feel split in two?

kinnies · 16/12/2009 23:41

But it is wrong for a child to live half the week in one place and the other half somwhere else. Just seems mental to me and I would not let it happen to my Dc. Over my dead body.

MeltedTreeChocolates · 16/12/2009 23:41

Sorry, i forgot to put my quote in "s

Awassailinglookingforanswers · 16/12/2009 23:42

sorry melted who was that aimed at

MeltedTreeChocolates · 16/12/2009 23:43

They will feel split in two regardless, because their parents are split.

MeltedTreeChocolates · 16/12/2009 23:43

All my comments up until the last were aimed at OP. The last was aimed at CrackFox

Awassailinglookingforanswers · 16/12/2009 23:44

ahh ok - wasn't sure

MeltedTreeChocolates · 16/12/2009 23:45

Anyway I am not gonna get into yet another discussion at this time. A good discussion may develope in this thread but OP is just ridiculous.

Night all

MeltedTreeChocolates · 16/12/2009 23:46

As can i Awas

Awassailinglookingforanswers · 16/12/2009 23:47

it's great isn't - can put up a good fight against anyone, but when you make a prat of yourself just blame it on the blondness

think I'm going to bow out as well, had a shite day/early evening, then got cheered up and don't want to work myself up again.

TheCrackFox · 16/12/2009 23:47

I think 50/50 is more about adults needs than DCs. It must be odd not having one proper base. However, I am not saying that the mum is always the best parent but that it should be decided on a per case basis.

ImSoNotTelling · 16/12/2009 23:48

I don't agree that women are automatically the better parents, by any means.

i do agree that splitting time 50/50 between two homes must be terribly unsettling and difficult for small children. They thive on routine, security, knowing what is going to happen next. I think that splitting time like this would be difficult for them.

Some men are excellent fathers - i would say that in many ways DH is a better parent than me. If society was constructed to allow it - or our circumstances were different - we would definitely want a set-up where DH could do more of the childcare and less of the paid work, and I could work more. I don't feel any more connected to the children than he does, I'm sure.

Original poster
rageagainstthe50res · 16/12/2009 23:48

yes, melted, of course men have the upper hand for the most part, that's why i put 'this is one area where our biology gives us the upper hand.'

I'm arguing that our capacity to bring life into the world is an advantage and a privilege, and so we shouldn't be prepared to sacrifice 50% of our motherhood to satisfy an idea of equality, when frankly OUR needs as a gender are nowhere NEAR treated as equally as men's in all other aspect of life.

OP posts:
jellybeans · 16/12/2009 23:49

YANBU I agree. Things are going too far for fathers rights in some ways. Both parents are equally important but they are not the same. Seperating a baby from it's mother for long periods is not always such a good idea IMO (always exceptions etc). Must be awful for the mums. I have alot of sympathy for men who are denied access though, DH was 'not allowed' by his mum to see his dad at all. Out of spite for his affair. That's wrong. He and his dad missed so much in the 25 years they didn't see each other.

Awassailinglookingforanswers · 16/12/2009 23:49

thing is though Crack - even with fortnightly stays they still don't have one proper base. DH used to keep some of their stuff at his, and when he finally got a (rented) place on his own they had their own rooms and kept some of their things there for the weekends they were there.

kinnies · 16/12/2009 23:51

Well at school drop off, clubs ect it is mostly the mums (not slagging off the dads btw, they are prob at work) so I think we can safley say that more dads go awol than mums.
Also I know it to be true, friend of mine worked at cab and said that most of the people he saw were women (with DC) left in financal trouble by their 'd'p leaving.

Snorbs · 17/12/2009 00:01

One thing to note is that it is still relatively rare for a court to order 50:50 residency. That typically only happens where there is existing history of 50:50 and one parent wishes to change it without good reason, or where the children are old enough to express a preference and have stated they want to spend equal time with both parents.

Courts are beginning to order shared residency a bit more frequently than they used to but that does not mean that the child(ren) will necessarily share time equally between parents.

The majority of 50:50 residency situations are by mutual consent between both parents. For what it's worth, I shared 50:50 with my ex for six months after the breakdown of our relationship. It was only my ex's alcohol problems that made it necessary for me to take over full-time care. If my ex could've been trusted not to get trousered while supposedly looking after our DCs then we'd likely still be doing 50:50 now. Our DCs seemed to like seeing both mummy and daddy the same amount of time.

SolidGoldpiginablanket · 17/12/2009 00:40

Well there is, obviously a biological issue with a baby or young toddler who is still BF. And if a judge were mental enough to order a mother to stop BF purely to allow the baby's father more access, that would be time for a huge protest and campaign and fuss. But as yet, no judge has been, or is likely to be, that mental. Because it would obviously be so against the child's interest and putting the rights of the father over those of the child (to BF as long as possible).
I think that sometimes people panic at the idea of 50-50 when it's not going to happen - abusive men very often try to use legal petitions for more access as a way of distressing their XPs rather than actually wanting, or expecting to get, the access they are asking for.

differentnameforthis · 17/12/2009 01:11

"If you have a superdad who doesn't go to the pub all the time, has flexible working hours and can cook, clean etc. etc. then great, 50/50 access is fine. But I don't think /most/ British families are like that"

He doesn't need to be classed as a superdad just because he does all the above tho!

My dh is more than capable of looking after our dcs. If anything happened between us, I would be more than happy for him to have the dc 50% of the time!

He goes to the pub now & then, he can cook (but doesn't often), he does more housework than I do. But when it comes to his dcs, he will happily give up a visit to the pub, cook more!

I don't get that it is hard for the woman! FFS, saying 50% is too much just because we don't have equality in "salary discrepancies, violence against women, flagrant misogyny in the media etc" is bollocks!

It is what is bets for the children & in many cases parents would do well to remember that!

MilliesCookies · 17/12/2009 01:16

It's no fun for anyone (least of all the child) but it's a consequence of divorce. There is an alternative. Don't get divorced in the first place. Or, better still, don't marry a fuc*wit. Make your relationship work. Put your children first. oh I know, it's harder than it sounds.... And god forbid, we should have to do hard things sometimes. Especially when we have already sacrificed our high-profile international career....

BTW, "She strokes my breasts for comfort"? At six years old??? I hope you're getting plenty of alimoney for all the therapy this kid is going to need.

BitOfFunderthemistletoe · 17/12/2009 01:22

I've got a near 50-50 arrangement (four nights with me) over the week for dd2. As she has SN, leaving longer gaps between seeing her dad would be hard to understand. It helps me too though, because she is physically exhausting to look after, and at least I get a regular break. The happy knock-on effect has been that her father has become much more capable and hands-on than he ever was when we were together. Given the chance (ie forced ), I think far more fathers would step up to the mark than do with the more usual fortnightly weekend arrangement. Luckily we only live a mile apart- so I don't have to see him, but our daughter's routine is stable for her, and we're both committed to maintaining that for her sake. So, i think YABU- or at least as it applies to me.

AT42 · 17/12/2009 01:22

"I think it would be cruel to force her to split her life down the middle between me and her dad."

As previous poster said, that's what happens when you divorce/separate. if it means so much for you that your child doesn't have to split their life and loyalties between two warring parents, stay together. Can't/won't? You'll have to face the consequences then.