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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to learn how to drive...

58 replies

katnkittens · 16/12/2009 00:11

Seriously, this is driving (excuse the pun) me crazy....

DH and I have been married 5 1/2 years together for about 7 years. We have 3 children and 1 on the way. Obviously I have to do ALL the running about for the DC's. Parties/grocery shopping/popping to the DIY shop... all done by me.

He buses it to work in all weathers. A few years ago he got a moped which helped slightly but it broke and we never got a new one.

He has had lessons and I even got him insured on my car but he has no enthusiasm for it. He keeps saying we can't afford it but we could easily cut back on a few things and afford £20 a week at least! I learned to drive as a single teenage parent on WFTC! He was a full time student at uni with a job and loads of money (for a 20 year old) when I met him.

He's a bloody professional in a great job and he gets the bus to work when he has the option of a company car FFS.

He says he isn't scared of driving and I'm sure he isn't as he was doing really well in his lessons a couple of years ago before he gave up when the block of lessons ran out. He even booked his theory test but then didn't bother turning up.

He is otherwise a very ambitious, driven (oh God puns again) person who I love a lot but this issue keeps popping up. The issue has come up yet again as I'm going to be having a baby in May and with 4 DCs I'm just going to need more help with the driving around on weekends.

My DH thinks I'm nagging him but in actual fact I am really laid back and we never argue about anything apart from this!

AIBU?

OP posts:
pigletmania · 16/12/2009 00:16

YABU, mabey he just does not like driving and is afraid of telling you that he does not like it and is mabey lost confidence. Dont force him to do it, he has to want it for himself.

Vallhala · 16/12/2009 00:18

It sounds to me like he's scared of failing. Look at it this way - he's ambitious, successful, used to doing well... but what if he failed his test where you passed as a teenaged, non-working mum?

I know there's no shame in feeling like this or of failing, (though no reason to think he would either) and I'm sure you do too, but perhaps he needs some reassurance and even, maybe, that you are emphasising the need for him to drive is only adding to the pressure he already feels?

Just a theory, please do tell me to go stuff a turkey if I'm driving up the wrong street!

expatinscotland · 16/12/2009 00:19

Sorry, but I don't 'get' guys who don't drive, London excepted you can sort of see that with congestion charge, all the public transport, etc.

TBH, it would have been a turn off in the dating stage.

Vallhala · 16/12/2009 00:20

Sorry, cat on my lap distracting me. I meant "even, maybe, feels that you are..." etc.

pigletmania · 16/12/2009 00:22

My goodness expat how so you are rejecting a guy who might be the one just because he does not drive. My dh drives has a car, i dont failed so many tests and cant afford to learn at the min, he hates driving and does not drive unless needed, but i knew that before i married him, and married him because i love him not because his driving capabilities.

Original poster
katnkittens · 16/12/2009 00:23

I failed 3 times before I passed! He is better at it than I was after x number of lessons!

You may be right Val, he has always been successful at everything he does but I don't think I have been that unreasonable waiting 8 years when every year he says he will pass his test 'this year'. He even says to me that he wants to drive but then does nothing about it... ???

Piglet.. even if he doesn't like driving I think it's selfish of him not to do it. I don't 'like' driving the kids everywhere and doing all the shopping on top of doing a full time degree but I have no choice!

If it was a fear then I would understand as someone who has experienced anxiety and phobias but it really isn't.

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Original poster
katnkittens · 16/12/2009 00:26

LOL expat.. I agree in a way, we live in quite a rural area so driving is quite important although buses are ok.

We were only 20 when we met so I figured he hadn't got round to it yet. I joked that he had to pass his test before we got married and he laughed and said he would... of course he didn't and I married him anyway

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expatinscotland · 16/12/2009 00:26

it helps that i don't believe in 'the one' or 'soulmates' or tripe like that.

back when i was dating, a while back because DH and i have been together nearly 9 years, it would have put me off if he didn't drive, yeah.

ditto small dick or shite lover, substance abuse, gambler, football person, violent after drinking and other stuff.

pigletmania · 16/12/2009 00:26

Yes my dh will drive if needed, if dd had to go somewhere or shopping essential things really, but to go anywhere for pleasure no he would rather take the train or coach. Or we go abroad.

Uriel · 16/12/2009 00:27

When you go on holiday and you do all the driving, does he change all the nappies and sort out the children?

Mil had this situation and seemed to do everything child-related as well as all the driving.

pigletmania · 16/12/2009 00:31

Well i guess i live in fairytail land then eh. Tbh there are more important traits apart from driving that i look for in a man, yes driving would be nice not essential as we live in a built up area with good transport links. Yes dh does drive around if we need to do anything, though i would love to myself as we could share the driving. What did they do in the age before cars i wonder as they were not always around

Original poster
katnkittens · 16/12/2009 00:39

Uriel, he is a great Dad. He will do everything for the kids, feed them, change nappies (when they were younger). I really can't fault him apart from this one issue.

He works LONG hours during the week so couldn't help out much then anyway and I am used to it... it's just that I am getting really sick of it tbh.

Last time I was in labur he had to ring his Dad to drive me to hospital... it felt weird.... I wanted him to whisk me away and drive me to hospital... sorry if that sounds weird.

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pigletmania · 16/12/2009 00:43

Looking at it that way katnkittnes yes it would be really useful. It was nice having my dh wisk me away to hosp when having dd , or when i had my recent m/c instead of relying on public transport or expensive taxi.

Igglybuff · 16/12/2009 00:44

val may be right. I'm exactly the same- don't drive, had a few lessons, haven't taken test. I'm generally ambitious and quite good at my job and highly thought of. I don't like failure and taking a driving test would mean I could fail... As my DH drives and we don't have a car, I feel I can get away with it. But I do feel guilty and would learn if the circumstances were right - see, I'm making excuses!!! All because the thought of failing makes me feel ill

Original poster
katnkittens · 16/12/2009 00:45

I had 2 m/cs before this pregnancy and I had to get my Mum to take me to the hospital instead of getting her to watch the DCs while DH took me....

Daft things but important to me....

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Original poster
katnkittens · 16/12/2009 00:50

Ok tomorrow I will broach the subject with renewed sympathy although I have discussed the failure thing with him before (in a nice way) and I think he knows I understand.

I do think you guys may be right though.

I'll try again and see if I get anywhere.

Thanks

OP posts:
Igglybuff · 16/12/2009 00:50

kat can I suggest that you book the lessons for DH and even book his test? Perhaps arrange an intensive course for him so he can drive in the day. Could you take him out when the traffic is less busy to build his confidence? I am put off learning because I've heard that pass rate is linked to age i.e. The older you are more likely to fail, so if you can ease him back on the road it might help.

pigletmania · 16/12/2009 00:51

Did you see that last Peep Show a month or so back whereboy Sophie had gone into labour, Mark could not drive, and had to pretent to drive as he lied to Soph that he had leaned and passed his test when in fact he dident. In the end poor Soph had to drive Mark and Jez(drunk of course) to the hosp

Original poster
katnkittens · 16/12/2009 00:55

Hahahaha piglet. Didn't see it but DH watches it

I did offer to drive myself to the hospital in labour actually.... good job I didn't as was 3rd baby and was 10cm and in agony by the time I got there!!

Iggly, I will take it upon myself to arrange his driving future. He seems determined this year it's just that he says the same thing every year so Goodness knows...

Maybe I'll get him some for Christmas...

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Igglybuff · 16/12/2009 00:56

piglet, no but can imagine! I feel ashamed when people realise I can't drive - it's a bit of a status thing! Especially where I live - I think it has one of the highest levels of car ownership for a London borough!

Igglybuff · 16/12/2009 01:00

kat I think that's best cos he can't make excuses then. To be honest I'd do it if I was given a kick up the backside but my DH is far too understanding

Original poster
katnkittens · 16/12/2009 01:05

LOL thanks Iggly... you should go for it, it's the best thing I ever did and I was so terrified I had to sit my test with my Mum in the back seat to keep me calm!!

She wasn't allowed to talk to me but just knowing she was there calmed me down.

OP posts:
SolidGoldpiginablanket · 16/12/2009 01:18

I have some sympathy with your H - I can drive (technically, somewhere I have a valid driving licence but haven't driven for over 20 years). Maybe he just doesn't like driving, to the point of being a bit phobic about it. And people who hate driving or are phobic about it are TBH a danger to themselves and other road users.
You resent having to do all the driving, which is not unreasonable but is it necessary for all these journeys to be done in private cars? If your H manages mostly on public transport, it must be pretty good where you live, so why not use it a bit more often yourself?

Original poster
katnkittens · 16/12/2009 01:42

solid... my point isn't about physically driving, I actually really enjoy driving, it's about having to go out and do the clubs/parties/shopping even when I'm feeling ill eg recent morning sickness was terrible but I had no choice as nobody else could take over even on a weekend.

It just seems relentless sometimes. My DS and dds so so much between them which I believe is good for them and I encourage it but just sometimes when I'm feeling ill or tired I would like him to be able to do it.

It's about him not being able to 'nip out to see his friends/brother' or take the DCs to his Mums (3 buses but only about 15 mins in car so he asks me to drive them and it seems mean to say no).

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Original poster
katnkittens · 16/12/2009 01:43

Oh and when he was having his lessons he always came home smiling saying he'd enjoyed it and talking about what he'd learned.... so I dont think he's phobic

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