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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect DH to learn how to drive...

58 replies

katnkittens · 16/12/2009 00:11

Seriously, this is driving (excuse the pun) me crazy....

DH and I have been married 5 1/2 years together for about 7 years. We have 3 children and 1 on the way. Obviously I have to do ALL the running about for the DC's. Parties/grocery shopping/popping to the DIY shop... all done by me.

He buses it to work in all weathers. A few years ago he got a moped which helped slightly but it broke and we never got a new one.

He has had lessons and I even got him insured on my car but he has no enthusiasm for it. He keeps saying we can't afford it but we could easily cut back on a few things and afford £20 a week at least! I learned to drive as a single teenage parent on WFTC! He was a full time student at uni with a job and loads of money (for a 20 year old) when I met him.

He's a bloody professional in a great job and he gets the bus to work when he has the option of a company car FFS.

He says he isn't scared of driving and I'm sure he isn't as he was doing really well in his lessons a couple of years ago before he gave up when the block of lessons ran out. He even booked his theory test but then didn't bother turning up.

He is otherwise a very ambitious, driven (oh God puns again) person who I love a lot but this issue keeps popping up. The issue has come up yet again as I'm going to be having a baby in May and with 4 DCs I'm just going to need more help with the driving around on weekends.

My DH thinks I'm nagging him but in actual fact I am really laid back and we never argue about anything apart from this!

AIBU?

OP posts:

spicemonster · 16/12/2009 10:25

This would annoy me because if you're in a rural area, there is going to be a lot of ferrying about of children to parties/activities etc as they get older and it is not fair that you do all the driving at the weekend. It means your DH will get to lounge about at home while you're tearing around getting one child to ballet and picking another up from a sleepover.

I can understand not driving in London but in a rural area with lots of children it's a bit odd.

Liskey · 16/12/2009 10:26

My DH didn't pass his test until 2 years ago - after being together for 12 years with me as the driver.

The 2 things that made him realise he wanted to learn was as we were talking about trying to have a baby and he wanted to be able to drive me to hospital and he finally realised he wanted the independence of going to do his hobby without me having to take him. Gaining this freedom really helped him motivate himself (even though I did phone the driving scholl to start things off).

albinosquirrel · 16/12/2009 10:42

I only learned to drive 2 years ago - it was a prioritisation issue- prior to this I'd always lived where there was public transport etc and there was no need to drive as such- then we moved and I needed to drive for my quality of life. up to this point the benefit of driving was outweighed by the effort of lessons- i'd do a few then stop if they got inconvenient.

I think you have to make your DH see how easier it would be for him if he could drive; for me I never saw that it might be a pain for my DP having to do all the driving as it seemed easy - maybe he doesn't realise (despite you telling him!)

if practical why don't you book him an intensive driving course plus test as a present?

traceybath · 16/12/2009 10:51

We're very rural and it would be a nightmare if we both didn't drive.

DH's ex didn't drive and it drove him potty to always have to be the driver.

London different though.

serenity · 16/12/2009 11:10

DH doesn't drive, hasn't any desire to, and tbh I really don't care any more. After 19 years of being the driver I don't think I could relinquish car control anyway. I'll admit that when I was pg and the DCs were small, it used to really piss me off - my Mum had to drive down to take me to hospital with all three DCs. Now though, what's the point of forcing DH to do something he hates, and spend money we haven't got, just so I don't have to do a few trips? There's less urgency now that they're older, public transport is easier (and we live in London!)

DH cycles everywhere, keeps him fit and is a damn sight cheaper than paying for lessons/second car/petrol etc.

Igglybuff · 16/12/2009 11:25

kat I think I will learn next year (I probably sound like your DH ) but reading the other posts has made me think....!

grenadine · 16/12/2009 11:28

Be careful what you wish for. If/when your DH drives he might find he loves it and you will:

possibly argue over who is going to do the driving on family journeys - both wanting to

have rows over each others driving skills or lack of - bet you don't have much criticsm now!

argue over who will have the car if you both want to go to different places

your DH might put on weight through driving more and walking less.

One of us used to drive and the other didn't. It is now a relief that we both drive but we probably argued less when only one of us drove!

If you really want your DH to drive I would ask him to explain the real reasons he doesn't want to drive and see if he will consider doing the lessons (but don't make him feel a failure if he doesn't)

AllarmBells · 16/12/2009 12:08

I drive, DP doesn't. We were living in London and had never felt the need to do it. About 7 years ago, I had to learn because, believe it or not, I had been receiving a car allowance from my employer. Then the company got bought and new management said, "learn to drive or you'll lose the car allowance" (not unreasonably). I'm honestly not sure if I'd have ever done it if it wasn't for that push...

I was 33 at the time, and it feels pretty humiliating learning to drive as an adult. I kept looking at teenagers in Fiestas and thinking "how pathetic am I". It might be akin to how people feel in adult literacy classes - you feel as though everyone else can do this and why can't you? It took me 4.5 years in total to learn , and I had a few stages of giving up, but I did at least 3 years with 2 hours a week of lessons. I was so nervous before each lesson I used to get the runs (sorry TMI), the weekends were dominated by it, I had to be very careful not to get up too early otherwise I'd be really tired....I do have sympathy with your DH. It really is no fun. As an adult you are probably more aware of the risks and you feel terrified of being out in that hurly-burly, whereas people who learn at 17 are full of enthusiasm and just want to get out there.

So I understand how your DH may be reluctant to learn. However...YANBU.

As the only driver there are loads of jobs only you can do, and it does wear you down. Supermarket shopping, taking the dog to kennels, anything DIY-related usually requires a car trip, DCs stuff like parties/trips etc....

Good luck with it kat...keep on at him, you have reminded me I really should get this sorted! Nagging would be perfectly reasonable...but I'm going to go with Accio's great suggestion because it's more likely to succeed . I'm going to tell DP he'll be able to take his telescope out in the middle of the night and look at the stars.

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