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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to learn how to drive...

58 replies

katnkittens · 16/12/2009 00:11

Seriously, this is driving (excuse the pun) me crazy....

DH and I have been married 5 1/2 years together for about 7 years. We have 3 children and 1 on the way. Obviously I have to do ALL the running about for the DC's. Parties/grocery shopping/popping to the DIY shop... all done by me.

He buses it to work in all weathers. A few years ago he got a moped which helped slightly but it broke and we never got a new one.

He has had lessons and I even got him insured on my car but he has no enthusiasm for it. He keeps saying we can't afford it but we could easily cut back on a few things and afford £20 a week at least! I learned to drive as a single teenage parent on WFTC! He was a full time student at uni with a job and loads of money (for a 20 year old) when I met him.

He's a bloody professional in a great job and he gets the bus to work when he has the option of a company car FFS.

He says he isn't scared of driving and I'm sure he isn't as he was doing really well in his lessons a couple of years ago before he gave up when the block of lessons ran out. He even booked his theory test but then didn't bother turning up.

He is otherwise a very ambitious, driven (oh God puns again) person who I love a lot but this issue keeps popping up. The issue has come up yet again as I'm going to be having a baby in May and with 4 DCs I'm just going to need more help with the driving around on weekends.

My DH thinks I'm nagging him but in actual fact I am really laid back and we never argue about anything apart from this!

AIBU?

OP posts:
snotexpectingsnow · 16/12/2009 02:47

Speak to him again and book the lessons/test etc maybe it's just inaction on his part.

If that doesn't work how about a mini driving strike so he can see how inconvenient it is that he doesn't drive?

pigletmania · 16/12/2009 08:47

That was a good one, i thought of you katnkittens when you were saying about youbeing in labour lol. mabey your dh has watched that and hopefully got the idea he he

Awassailinglookingforanswers · 16/12/2009 08:50

well I live in an area with "ok" (I guess compared to those in rural areas) transport links, I don't drive, DH drives - but has no car.

No biggy (well not for me - he hates having to get the bus to his appointments in the next town )

belgo · 16/12/2009 08:57

You can't force him to drive if he really doesn't want to, and it does sound as though he is pulling his weight in your relationship even if it's you doing all the driving.

I know a few couples were only one person drives; and I know a family with four children and no car and they get around fine. It doesn't have to be a problem.

If you find all the driving too much, can you look for other practical solutions such as getting your shopping delivered?

IsItMorningTimeYet · 16/12/2009 08:58

Wow Katnkitten, I can't believe you do all the driving around in your household. In my estimation yaNbu at all. Driving the kids here there and everywhere along with all the other trips you do is tiring, sitting in traffic is a pain, it makes sense to divy up the driving chore in a household. It's only fair, especially when there's nothing stopping your husband learning to drive.

I did my test when I was 18 and had to be pushed into it by my mum, she insisted I learn, paid for the lessons and was waiting for me with a hug when I passed. I haven't looked back since. I wouldn't be able to get to my current classroom without driving to it. I also could not imagine placing all the driving responsibility on my husband.

Christmas is coming, why not book him a few lessons and get the ball rolling. Tell him you're sick of arguing over such a small thing as this and you want peace, harmony and a new driving partner by the time the baby arrives!

upahill · 16/12/2009 08:58

This thread got me thinking about all the people I work with, all my social groups and neighbours and DH groups. I don't know of any male over the age of 20 that doesn't drive!
I would find it a bit weird but that's because I am not used to people not driving.

Awassailinglookingforanswers · 16/12/2009 08:59

ok let me get this right -it's ok for a women not to drive - and her DH to do all the driving..........but not ok for the man not to drive and the DW do all the driving?

GooseyLoosey · 16/12/2009 09:00

Kat - your dh sounds like me. I did everything to avoid learning to drive, even when we lived in the middle of nowhere with 2 children and I had to travel over 100 miles to work.

Eventually, there came a point where it was going to make over an hour difference to when we could pick ds up from childcare. At that point, I knew that the time had come.

There was no point in me taking more lessons and then considering a test. I just knew it wouldn't work. I booked myself on an intensive 1 week course with a test on the last day and it worked. It was absolutely the only way I would ever have done it.

belgo · 16/12/2009 09:01

also agree with SolidGold - a driving phobia is something people don't understand unless they have experienced it themselves.

I quite enjoyed learning to drive, because I had an instructor sat next to me with his foot on an extra brake.

But when it comes to me driving without the safety net of being a 'learner' - I can't even begin to describe the terror it fills me with - to the point where I would be a danger on the roads.

jeep · 16/12/2009 09:01

mine doesn't drive it's very very annoying as he's passed his test but just doesn't want to drive again. drives (lol) me barmy

expatinscotland · 16/12/2009 09:51

'Tbh there are more important traits apart from driving that i look for in a man,'

Well, good for you then.

I'm very happily married, and thankfully don't have to provide taxi service for my husband.

Awassailinglookingforanswers · 16/12/2009 10:04

guess what expat - (when we had/have a car) DH isn't a taxi service for me just because I can't drive .

AccioPinotGrigio · 16/12/2009 10:07

YANBU - my dh passed his driving test in August this year at the age of 42! It put to an end my 10 year career as the family chauffeur not to mention the only person able to do all the boring runs to the tip and the supermarket AND always being the nominated driver on nights out (YAAAY!).

It took a lot of nagging but what tipped the balance in the end was the realisation that if he could drive he could take himself off to the away games of his beloved football club instead of just having to go to the home games.

Is there anything like that with which you could 'tempt' your husband ie 'but darling think of the freedom you will have to go and (INSERT WHATEVER THING IT IS HE LIKES AND THAT DRIVING WILL ENABLE HIM TO DO)

expatinscotland · 16/12/2009 10:10

'guess what expat - (when we had/have a car) DH isn't a taxi service for me just because I can't drive .'

Good for him.

I didn't dig guys who don't drive when I was dating just like some people didn't dig guys who didn't make a certain amount of money, or guys who still lived at home, or had kids, or any other number of qualifications.

So sue me.

belgo · 16/12/2009 10:11

Expat - what if there comes a point when your dh can no longer drive?

I certainly don't expect my dh to be my taxi service (well not that often) - buses, bicycles, my own feet and very occasionally a real taxi - all transport me and my children without too much hassle. And are of course cheaper and more environmentally friendly.

expatinscotland · 16/12/2009 10:13

'Expat - what if there comes a point when your dh can no longer drive?'

i'll probably be dead by that time (i'm also a bit older than he is) but at any rate i don't spend my time thinking about what could go wrong in the future.

ALL i wrote was that i didn't dig guys who don't drive.

BFD.

Tortington · 16/12/2009 10:17

i agree with others that say he is afraid of failing, but it does seem to turn into passive agressive something or other ( can't find the words)

IME - dh had to go somewhere - i had to take him and pick him up

like he was the centre of attention and i had to work around him - became a bone of contention.

anyway - he passed two years ago - and the balance of power shifted to equal again in this regard.

its v. subtle this thing ...this he can drink cos you always drive and you have to be availalbe to fetch me carry me - even down to the weekly grocery shop.

you have to do it as you have the car.

Awassailinglookingforanswers · 16/12/2009 10:18

yes and some of us are a little "BFD" about how being able to drive defines a man and makes him worth dating blah blah blah.

expatinscotland · 16/12/2009 10:20

ok, then, but that's your problem, Awassail.

like i said, people have all kinds of criterion for people they go out with: looks, no kids, owns own house, job, etc. that others might find shallow.

but hey, it's their lives and not mine.

CyberCinders · 16/12/2009 10:20

I hate driving
I avoid it I can Im always getting lost and then I get in a panic

having lessons seems easy compared to be on your own in a car

SolidGoldpiginablanket · 16/12/2009 10:20

I'm kind of used to non drivers as I have generally socialised more with them in the past. I don't much like cars and would always rather take a train or bus.
I do appreciate the problems the OP faces and she has a point but in general mundanes are far too hung up on cars and driving.

expatinscotland · 16/12/2009 10:22

and you live in London, too, IIRC, solid.

hey, fair enough.

i've never driven there, but i hear it's a right bitch to drive there.

Mongolia · 16/12/2009 10:22

Let him do half of the things you do. If he insists in not driving, he can use the bus for the same purposes. No problem.

If he can't drive to the hospital... easy, get a taxi, if he deserves to have a company car he certainly can pay for taxi fares for those times when you should NOT be expected to drive.

Why should you do all the work just because he can't be bothered? He may have a phobia, fair enough, but that doesn't mean you have to do all the work, as I said, he can use the buss or taxis to do his share of the work, or... put his fears of failure behind (with psychiatric help if needed) and start driving.

belgo · 16/12/2009 10:23

If you are playing the taxi service and if it is a real problem - then there are other ways of solving this problem without him driving.

If you don't have time to do the shopping, tell him to do it, on bus or whatever. Or get it delivered.

If you don't have time to take the children to all of their activities, tell him to do it, also on bus/train or whatever.

But if you carry on doing everything and you are resenting your dh because of it, then you have to let him know. He's not completely immobile because he can't drive.

CyberCinders · 16/12/2009 10:23

my nearest big town is vienna

and that is toooooooooooo

scary for me ....

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