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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dd round on christmas day (sorry long)

66 replies

hetherine · 14/12/2009 21:42

Thing is my 20yr old dd is very manipulative/verbally abusive/completely self centred and has been at last diagnosed with a condition called 'Attachment Disorder' (brought about by a misdiagnosed middle ear infection when she was a baby. strange but completely true) and also a personality disorder.
The level of contact we have with each other is sporadic at bestand after appealing for help from proffessional bodies have hit a brick wall because they will only offer family counselling if dd agreesand dd has said that she has agreed but having spoken to the relevant proffessionals have discovered that she's lied about it.

Thing is I love her dearly and I really want a good relationship with her but i just can't cope with all of her manipulating/schemeing/lying/abusive ways.

please help

OP posts:
caen · 14/12/2009 21:47

YANBU. You sound desperate so give yourself a break.

ageing5yearseachyear · 14/12/2009 21:55

yanbu

she sounds stressful enough- surely you should have xmas off,

SixtyFootDoll · 14/12/2009 22:02

But where will she go?
As awful as she is, is it her fault?
How sad for a young girl to be alone on Christmas Day?

Original poster
hetherine · 14/12/2009 22:03

Also how do I tell her? coz I'm scared that she'll be all the more abusive towards me which will inturn bring on my depression again having just got back onto a very wobbly even keel which ergo spoils christmas foe dp and me.

OP posts:
MrsStig · 14/12/2009 22:07

I take it she doesnt live with you.

What will she do on Christmas day if she doesn't come to you?

SixtyFootDoll · 14/12/2009 22:07

I appreciate it is stressful for you, but how ill she feel that her mother doesn't want her aroound for Xmas?

JInglesBells · 14/12/2009 22:07

where will she go though hetherine?

verytellytubby · 14/12/2009 22:09

Awful situation. Where will she go instead?

AvrilH · 14/12/2009 22:12

can you explain what you mean by "manipulating/schemeing/lying/abusive ways"?

Original poster
hetherine · 14/12/2009 22:31

AvrilH, Oh god where do I start. well atm she's in hostel accomodation and she's been through every single one in our city and been kicked out of mostly all for trashing rooms/not adhering to thier rules/ keeping up with her keyworker meetings etc and she always blames everything on others (she would have had her own place by now if she'd not messed people around).
whenever shes said she's coming round for dinner she's failed to turn up. and when I've rang her to see if she's ok I have been met with verbal abuse.
Last christmas she decided to spend christmas with one of her so called mates (this was completely her own chioce i said that even if she changed her mind at the last minute there would be plenty and just come round) and after christmas had passed i spoke to her keyworker at the hostel she was staying at and was informed that i was supposed to have told her that she couldn't come round for christmas as i couldn't afford to feed her.
when she sends an sos via text i ring her to find out whats wrong i give adice to the best of my ability and then all i get is her abuse (she calls me names such as slg/fat whre etc ) just coz the advice doesn't suit or whatever.

OP posts:
nothingofthesort · 14/12/2009 22:44

I can understand that you don't want to see her but I feel terribly sad for her. You're her mum and even you don't want to see her on Christmas Day, who else will?

kinnies · 14/12/2009 22:45

She sounds really messed up.

Has anything else gone on in her life to make her so hostile?

I realize that it is hard for you to deal with her, but is there any more to this story. I dont mean to offend but it sounds strange that all this comes from an ear ach.

Original poster
hetherine · 14/12/2009 22:59

Kinnies. I know it does sound strange that this stems from ear ache. Believe me I wouldn't have believed this (and didn't at first) but having spoken at length to a psycologist and having been given plenty of reading matter (enough to sink a ship) and having done some research myself it is perfectly true.
Yes there is a lot going on in dd life thats always been true and all the dramas have been of her own making.
I'm not just saying this because of how I feel about her but because it is plain and simple fact.
for instance she didn't have to go into the hostel system, she chose to.

OP posts:
karen2205 · 14/12/2009 23:03

People with attachment disorders tend to respond well to very strong boundaries, applied consistently; so, if you don't want to see her on Christmas day, when would be an acceptable time for her to come and see you/you to go and see her? Boxing Day? Christmas Eve? Some other time? What are the rules for her being a guest in your home before you will ask her to leave/call the police if she doesn't?

And no, if her behaviour is causing you so much distress that having her visit you on Christmas Day (when there's no public transport so it'd be hard for her to leave) then it's sensible to arrange to see her at a different time and enjoy your Christmas Day without her being abusive.

Threepwood · 15/12/2009 06:02

I might have to disagree with some posters in this thread. You might be her mum, but if she's so vile and nasty to you then it's not worth the hassle to you or your DP, even if it means she's on her own at Christmas.

guineamango · 15/12/2009 06:15

I agree with Threepwood. I have a brother who has caused years of upset and misery to us all. Just because you are related to some one does not mean you are obliged to take their constant verbal/physical abuse. Your dd is 20 not a young child and Christmas is just one day in the calender. I'm sure she will cope just fine. I think people will only truly understand if they have lived through a situation like this. It is easy to look in and judge.

Madascheese · 15/12/2009 06:29

Hetherine.

Poor the all of you! this sounds hideous.

Have you had much support - I know you mention the fmaily counselling thng but have you got anyone (such as her support workers) offering advice on what is the best thing to do to support your daughter.

If you don't mind saying, I think this is a bigger issue than just Christmas Day and if I were you I'd treat it as such.

You do sound utterly exhausted by the whole thing and no wonder, but you probably need to develop some sort of strategy to cope because at the moment your difficult relationship with your daughter will be sapping all your energy and you would benefit from having that focused more constructively so you don't feel like a victim of this disorder as well.

Hope I don't sound too harsh but you deserve a life as well.

Good luck
xMad

SantasFullAndHeavingSack · 15/12/2009 06:42

Not a good situation for you, but on the other hand, if she is your DD and quite clearly has some problems, what would it do to her if you refused to have her round at Christmas?

It really sounds like a no win situation.

You may have your day ruined if she comes, yet it will reinforce her issues if she feels abandoned at Christmas.

No advice really, but best of luck.

LoveBeingAMummyKissingSanta · 15/12/2009 07:06

What makes you think she will want to come round for xmas?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 15/12/2009 09:03

YABU
I work with young people exactly like your DD. Yes, she sounds incredibly hard work and draining and it must wear you down. But she's your daughter. You made her, you raised her (I assume) and you cannot exclude her from christmas. If she has an attachment disorder (and I guess that if you believe an ear infection was responsible, the ear infection disrupted your care for her/the bonding process, an ear infection can't cause a psychological condition all by itself) then rejecting her is the worst thing you can do.

I suggest you get hold of some reading matter on attachment disorders and try to learn some strategies. I know you are exhausted but you will be entrenching her views (and thereby her behaviour) further if you tell her she isn't welcome at christmas.

I know she's manipulative, a liar, and hurtful. But there are explanations for that behaviour, and you of all people must cut her some slack.

I'm not being judgemental by the way, nor am I hiding behind the internet, I have given similar advice to parents of the YPs I work with.

girlafraid · 15/12/2009 09:07

kat2907 speaks wisdom

you can't reject your own daughter on Christmas day, however hard work she is

i don't sit in judgment or profess to know your situation but if you raised her you must bear some responsibility for her, even if just a tiny bit - don't turn your back on her

MitchyInge · 15/12/2009 09:14

it is horrible to be in hospital on christmas day if everyone else has home leave - could they spare a member of staff to drop her off, pick her up again at agreed times?

that way you know there is a beginning and an end and the middle will be finite and feel possible?

AngryFromManchester · 15/12/2009 09:19

where is her father in all of this? does she have younger siblings she wants to see?

My friend has had similar problems with her daughter (who is the same age) and she has set clear boundaries in that she is allowed to come home, shower, eat, play with her youngers siblings, not drink etc and since she has layed down rules her daughter has been MUCH better. I know my friend is incredibly distraught about the whole situation though

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 15/12/2009 09:22

Mitchy
she's not in hospital, she's in a hostel. If it's like the young people's hostels here they won't have anyone spare for ferrying on Xmas day. The staff they have are busy trying to make a nice Xmas for those kids who can't go to family.

ChunkyKitKat · 15/12/2009 09:32

I really sympathise, my parents have taken emotional abuse from my db (they are elderly). My sister refused to have him on Christmas Day a couple of years ago.

Do you have other children around on Christmas Day?

Our local hospital has a carers' association, they were very helpful and visited my parents to talk things over. I found their number on the hospital's web site - it is worth looking to see if there is the same in your area.