To not want dd round on christmas day (sorry long)

[hetherine]

Thing is my 20yr old dd is very manipulative/verbally abusive/completely self centred and has been at last diagnosed with a condition called 'Attachment Disorder' (brought about by a misdiagnosed middle ear infection when she was a baby. strange but completely true) and also a personality disorder.
The level of contact we have with each other is sporadic at bestand after appealing for help from proffessional bodies have hit a brick wall because they will only offer family counselling if dd agreesand dd has said that she has agreed but having spoken to the relevant proffessionals have discovered that she's lied about it.

Thing is I love her dearly and I really want a good relationship with her but i just can't cope with all of her manipulating/schemeing/lying/abusive ways.

please help

so OP though as with many PDs your dd may never be free from her condition, clearly what she will benefit from and what may help her mentally heal now is from your soothing love and care. i do feel that inviting her for xmas falls into this category though

how very sad. hetherine i wish you hadn't posted on aibu, you'd get much more support and less questioning if you post on another topic.

none of us can really advise you, hopefully your dd will encounter some really useful support. are you in a big city? are there good local charities she could be in touch with? rattling round the hostel system can't be doing her any good.

I thought the idea that attachement problems were caused soley by an insecure attachement to the mother figure was disproved years ago?

Havent studies since Bowlby shown that children can develop good attachement if they have a secure relationship with another person and that person or group of people can be father, sibling or unrelated peers?

To say that attachement disorders are only caused by inadequate mothering is entirely wrong IMO.

I am so sorry OP. Living and coping with a person with this type of disorder is so difficult. I cannot imagine how desperate you must be feeling.

Have you thought about asking for advice on Adoption UK or similar? A lot of people have real experience of living with this disorder on there.

Just want to give you some empathy. My DS-12 (really stepson but I have raised him for most of his life) has attachment disorder due to being badly neglected and tramatised as an infant. People who have not been in the family where this exists cannot understand how such a family member can work really hard at ruining everybody else's good time, every time. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

I've been thinking about you a lot, OP. Your situation is so sad.

I noticed on another thread that someone mentioned a book called "Codependent No More", which sounds like its mainly about living with people with addictions, but maybe also helpful for you because it makes the point that you can't control how others behave or feel, only how YOU behave and feel.

Maybe it might give you some tips on how to respond to your daughter in a way that might help both of you?

Can anything be done to help adults who have attachment disorder?

Are there techniques or strategies that could help your dd 'learn' a new way of relating to you and others so that her future relationships could be healthier?

It seems like part of the problem is that DD won't accept help though, Earlybird.

She's an adult and you can't force or persuade her, you have to try to give her the options and wait for her to decide that SHE wants help, if she ever does. It's horrible to accept, OP but you have no control over that. What you DO have control over is the way that you react to, think about and cope with her behaviour. Your DD may not want to accept help or support, but you most definitely should seek it out for yourself.

Yes Chegirl - the 'maternal deprivation' theory has been largely critiqued, and although the principles were sound, the fact is that babies need to form secure attachments with one or more caregiver/s and it certainly does not need to be the mother, (although usually is)

I don't understand why hetherine is being questioned over the link between an ear infection, and attachment disorder. I'm no psychologist, but it seems obvious to me that if a baby is in severe pain it will cry a lot. If the mother, despite her best attempts, cannot soothe the baby then this is going to cause desperation for both the baby and the mother, and bonding may be successful.

In this case the mother is also dealing with the death of another child. No wonder this young woman has grown up with difficulties!

heterine, I don't doubt you love your DD, but one thing that sugests to me that bonding wasn't successful in the parent/child relationship is that you say she only talks about herself. You indicate that that you would prefer her to talk about other subjects. - Personally I would be quite happy for my children to talk to me about nothing but themselves, and I think my mother would listen to me talk about nohting but myself for hours on end, becuase she's iinteested in me and my life (the same applies to her other children).

This is obviously so difficult for you, but you need to let her know she is welcome to come on Christmas day. Let me re-phrase that; she needs to know she is welcome to come to your home on Christmas day.

Lynettescavo, I don,t mind DD talking about stuff she's interested in ie music/film/fashion/make-up etc but she doesn,t she talks about her percieved problems with support workers ie the fact they expect her to turn up at key sessions they've set up and she hasn't bothered to attend therefore bemoans loudly when they have evicted her even though thet have given her plenty of encouragement/rearranged dates etc. she consistently contradicts herself so much so that she can have me believing that the grass is blue instead of green and any support advice help etc that i attempt to give is continuously rejected.
Ican invite her for a meal and she's accepts then she doesn't turn up. I then phone her to see if she's ok and all I get is amouthful of abuse just for saying I would have appreciated it if she'd let me know she couldn't make it. also in her mind its acceptable for her to talk about the her past (thats great I'm all for that not a problem) but during the exact same conversation I happen to mention past which is exactly on the same lines as she's talking about ie I keep it as best I can to her perspective which is what she's already talking about she says 'you're always going on about the past' yet I didn't start the conversation she did and I can't seem to get anywhere thats why I have tried in vain to keep subjects of converstion on more neutral grounds in order to take out the stress for her and also to try a build up some common ground so that one day there's a half way decent foundation for us both to build on.

hetherine, it all does sound very difficult.

The aproach my mum took with my brother when he was younger and did things like not turning up when expected....infact the aproach she has taken with all of us is to welcome uw with open arms when ever we do turn up, and try to hid any disappointment when we don't. Of course you want to know if your daughter is OK, but with someone like her, saying you'd apreciate being told she wasn't coming will only make her feel bad and become defensive - hence the mouthfull of abouse.

She sounds like a teenager at their worst, which makes me hope that with time she may mature enough to behave more considerately.

When she talks about herself - and the situations with key workers, I think shs is crying out for help. Is her inability to turn up to meetings/ meals connected with her atachment disorder? Or does she have a problem with organisation/time keeping?

Executive function issues (timekeeping, organising, etc.) are often found in people with attachment disorders, so it may be connected.

Who has actually diagnosed her with these disorders, a psychologist or a psychiatrist? Is there a mental health team involved?

I work in Mental Health and this diagnosis sounds pretty odd to be honest.

I would Like To ask A) why would I Lie (I have nothing to gain)
B) she has been seen by 2 pyscologists (indepentdantly) again why would they lie
C) At the risk of repeating my self any help or support or offer of help on many levels and by many people includeding me has been rejected by her consistently and continously.
so that means although she may talk about problems/issues etc any support/advice/help is rejected
There is and always been help and support on offer to Dd she will just not engage.

Then I think that you have to acccept that she won't engage. Keep your front door open to her, let her know you will always be there for her if she needs to, but ultimaltely she is an adult of sound mind, who is free to make her own choices, and therefor accept the concequences.

There is no point in getting frustrated with her for not doing what you think she should do. It will only make you more unhappy.

Have you talked to her waht she wants out of life, and how she might achieve this? Could this cnversation take place with the help of a 3rd party?

I am just wondering (genuinely and not in a confrontial way) if those that are a bit cynical about this, have an understanding of what attachment disorder is?

Its not something that many people outside of mental health and/or fostering/adoption have heard of.

Its very difficult to get across just how impossible it can be to relate to an individual with RAD. The utter devastation those with this disorder can wreck on their families.

I hate the way adoption disaster stories are reported in the media but I am sure many of you will have read them. The children that have been involved in these, where marraiges have broken up and parent have been accused of abusive etc almost always have this disorder.

I am not setting myself up as an expert by any means. I know more than joe bloggs because I am an adoptive parent and was a foster carer.