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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to take ds to the in-laws coz mil smokes

62 replies

einalem · 11/12/2009 23:42

Ds is 5weeks old and probably like most 1st time mums pretty much everything worries me wen it comes to his health.
Iv never smoked and neither has my partner, we live with my parents at the minute and neither of them smoke. And it's something I really don't want2 hav near my son.
B4 he was born mil told my partner she wud smoke outside when we came over but we'v been there 3 timed now and she's smoked in the kitchen with the door open which is right next to the living/dining room. It's really annoyed me but I feel like I can't really say anything coz it's her house.
My partner doesn't seem that bothered coz she smoked thru all 3 of her pregnancies and always in the house.
It's not often we get to go there and I don't really know if there are any short term effects of passive smoking but I just really don't like it and wud rather not have it to worry about ontop of everything else.
Ok rant over!
Sorry about the long post!

OP posts:

ilovemydogandmrobama · 11/12/2009 23:57

Well, DS was low birth weight and the midwife in hospital on discharge, said that DS could not be in the company of a smoker, neither DP nor I smoke, but MIL does. So, it was up to DP to discuss it with her and the rules were:

She could not smoke within an hour of seeing DS

She had to change any clothes she had been smoking in

Absolutely NO SMOKING at the house. Even no going outside for a cigarette.

She has been OK with it. Not happy, but those are the rules.

Actually we are quite happy with her not smoking here

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas · 12/12/2009 01:06

Smoking in the next room really isn't on. Did she even ask if you minded? You are right, it's hard to tell her what to do when it's her house, but ultimately you could say you will not go there (and mean it!) unless she stops. Why not say "remember when you said you'd only smoke outside when we were over? I've noticed you haven't been doing that and it's making me very uncomfortable about bringing DS over".
Obviously she won't really "get it", as she smoked herself, but you have the power really as she'll want to see him.
I (just about) tolerate smoking-in-the-other-room-with-door-shut at PILs now that DS is a toddler. Wouldn't have been able to do it when still tiny though with increased health risks.
Oh, and in general, do try not to worry so much, sounds like you are a very careful, caring mother already!

SolidGoldpiginablanket · 12/12/2009 01:13

Cigarette smoke is not nuclear waste. While it is not terribly healthy, occaisonal exposure to it from a couple of rooms away is not that big a deal, you are exposing your baby to more toxic chemicals by walking up the high street if there is heavy traffic.

AitchTwoToTangOh · 12/12/2009 01:17

but be honest it is absolutely DISGUSTING, sgb, when people who've just had a fag come in and touch your little baby and transfer that bogging smell.

TigerDrivesAgain · 12/12/2009 01:17

Yanbu. I see what SGB means but it's just not what you want to do. FWIW, FIL smokes (pipe) and has to go outside (or in the greenhouse) if he visits. I wouldn't take my DS to anyone's house if they were going to smoke round them, no matter who they were. Choice for your MIL - fags or baby, basically.

SolidGoldpiginablanket · 12/12/2009 01:23

Ooh yes Aitch, and isn't it awful that they might have got DOGS or CATS and touch the baby with a hand that might have been near the PETS ( and don't houses with animals in them completely fucking ming???) Or they might eat meat McDonalds and make the baby smell of ketchup or cooking oil (which might have carcinongens in it, oh yes honest, i read it somewhere).

I think it's basically a shame to alienate grandparents by being unnecessarily precious.

mumof2point5 · 12/12/2009 02:01

YANBU. i won't take my dc to my mum's for this very reason. i'm preg and have enough worries (not to mention sickness) without this.
can just about cope with being in the same room as a smoker.
do they realise how much they stink?
and overuse of perfume doesn't hide it!

JemL · 12/12/2009 07:28

Protecting your baby from the effects of passive smoking is not being unnecessaily precious. The effects of smoking are well known, proven, and documented it's nothing like "oh I read an article which found a link between cured meats and cancer and so I don't want to go there incase they eat ham" FFS. ANd I used to smoke heavily, so I'm not just anti-fags on principle!

Georgimama · 12/12/2009 07:30

My PILs smoke like chimneys. MIL smoked through all her pregnancies (I wonder why her children all have asthma?) but they don't smoke near DS. I don't actually care if that's "precious", my DS is precious.

The smell of McDonalds never gave anyone lung cancer, SGB, so that's a silly analogy and not up to your usual standard.

OhChristmasTEEOhChristmasTEE · 12/12/2009 07:35

As an x-smoker, who really only quit because I got pregnant and is struggling with not starting again now that the baby is here, I can see both sides of this.

On the one hand, it stinks. And she definitely should be made to smoke outside.

On the other hand, SGB is right. The very air we breathe is bad for us a lot of the time. There are germs every where.

And you can't protect your child from everything.

vvvodka · 12/12/2009 07:41

yab incredibly unreasonable.
unless she is actually blowing smoke into the babies face, then you are depriving the child of their grandparent. and a very very special relationship.

Georgimama · 12/12/2009 07:50

Is she depriving her child of their grandparent? I don't think there is any suggestion of that, unless the grandparent is incapable of stubbing out a fag for half an hour to visit.

Goblinchild · 12/12/2009 07:50

No, I did the same with my dad. Smoke outside or no baby.
Then it wasn't me depriving him of a precious relationship with his first grandchildren, it was his choice.
Some may prefer a fag to a relationship, he chose the grandchild.

girlsyearapart · 12/12/2009 07:51

no I think yanbu if she's smoking in the same room/blowing smoke on the baby/refuses to compromise.

As you don't visit all that much it's not that much to ask for her to keep her smoking outside and change her top (at least) before cuddling the baby.

It's true you can't protect your baby from everything but that is one you can do something about.

verytellytubby · 12/12/2009 07:54

I have to bite with my tongue with my MIL. She thinks I'm really precious but she will go outside to smoke. She used to wash her hands before holding my babies and I gave up thinking about the smoke on her chest as she cuddled them.

I guess I couldn't face the row, I live in a big city so the pollution is probably worse on a day to day basis and I wanted my children to have a relationship with her. When the babies were small we only saw her every few months so not much passive smoking in the scheme of things.

BaconWheatCrunchies · 12/12/2009 07:54

YANBU but you do need to try and talk to your MIL about it, try to say it's the smoke in the house, invite her round to yours and have an only smoking outside policy?

crazycat34 · 12/12/2009 08:05

My DD was also premature and low birth weight. My MIL smokes and we were given the same advice:

She could not smoke within an hour of seeing DD

She had to change any clothes she had been smoking in

Absolutely NO SMOKING at the house. Even no going outside for a cigarette.

She was more offended that we thought she'd mind than that we'd implemented these rules - and my MIL isn't always the most measured and reasonable of people . 3 1/2 yrs on and she has given up smoking altogether, purely because the rules made her realise just how dirty smoking made her feel! Don't necessarily think that PIL should be expected to give up, but your baby, your rules.

Skegness · 12/12/2009 08:17

I broadly agree with SGB, while acknowledging that other posters are clearly quite right to point out that smoking is both smelly and unhealthy in a way that feels incompatible and wrong with a tiny baby about. But family relationships of the adoring kind should usually trump the understandable urge to avoid exposing a tiny baby to anything mildly unpleasant, IMO. Would a compromise be to ask mil to shut the kitchen door? She must be somewhat aware of not smoking around the baby if she's leaving the room so perhaps she wouldn't mind?

MrsMattie · 12/12/2009 08:23

My dad is a heavy smoker. When he comes to ours he smokes outside, washes his hands when he comes back in and doesn't hold our baby for a while after smoking. I don't like his smoking but our children are very rarely exposed to smoke - neither of them have ever been in a room where people were smoking, for example - so I don't worry too much about the occasional bit of indirect exposure. When my dad takes them for a walk to the park he will often have a fag while walking alongside my older child, which I absolutely hate...but he's my dad, he's a great grandad, we love him and unfortunately he's a heavy smoker...I just deal with it, really.

piscesmoon · 12/12/2009 08:37

'occaisonal exposure to it from a couple of rooms away is not that big a deal,'

It is a huge deal to people like me who don't smoke. YANBU -it is antisocial and if they want contact with DCs it is up to them to make the effects minimal.

Goblinchild · 12/12/2009 08:41

'exposing a tiny baby to anything mildly unpleasant'

But she's not talking about listening to James Blunt or naff TV.
Passive inhaling of cigarette smoke by an infant is a bit more than mildly unpleasant.

SantasKinkyKnickers0nMaHead · 12/12/2009 08:45

Smoke outside, wash hands and change of top. She should be fine with doing this.

ApplesinmyPocket · 12/12/2009 09:04

How times have changed - I remember my DSF leaning over the crib in which reposed my precious new DD, fag in mouth, clouds of smoke trailing, trembly nicotined finger reaching out to stroke that tiny rosy cheek. My mother hissed at him 'Not right over the baby, Alan!' and he muttered an abashed apology and slunk off - to a chair nearby.

The other grandad smoked too and he lived with us - in fact he owned half the house - I'd have got short shrift had I tried to prevent him smoking in his part of it! Both my (now grown-up) DDs are fine - I am asthmatic, they are not, despite this dreadful upbringing, and have fine healthy big bellowy lungs.

I'm not saying around small babies is Good or Right - clearly it isn't - we Know Better nowadays and rightly protect them from breathing in the clouds of smoke previous generations had to grow up choking their way through. Just that I wouldn't worry too much about the odd bit of smoke drifting in on MIL's clothes.

June2009 · 12/12/2009 09:09

YANBU

As an ex smoker who lives with a smoker I know that smokers do not realise one bit how much they stink. You might need to give her a leaflet from the health visitor about babies and smoking. though as she is a smoker she probably thinks it's all exxagerated and scaremongering.

I made dh stop smoking in the house when we started TTC.
As santakinky said, now he goes to smoke outside, comes back, washes his hand, changes his top, and sometimes I make him go brush his teeth as his breath is still reeking.
I do not think this is being precious.
a friend of mine has smoked throughout her pregnancy, still smokes in the house now and all three of her children have asthma.
I am quite shocked that some people are saying it's not a big deal. It might not be a big deal to them but the fact is passive smoking causes cancer.

and smokes travels, it does not matter that they're in a different room.

girlsyearapart · 12/12/2009 09:12

And who wants their baby smelling of smoke?

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