To not want to take ds to the in-laws coz mil smokes

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Ds is 5weeks old and probably like most 1st time mums pretty much everything worries me wen it comes to his health.
Iv never smoked and neither has my partner, we live with my parents at the minute and neither of them smoke. And it's something I really don't want2 hav near my son.
B4 he was born mil told my partner she wud smoke outside when we came over but we'v been there 3 timed now and she's smoked in the kitchen with the door open which is right next to the living/dining room. It's really annoyed me but I feel like I can't really say anything coz it's her house.
My partner doesn't seem that bothered coz she smoked thru all 3 of her pregnancies and always in the house.
It's not often we get to go there and I don't really know if there are any short term effects of passive smoking but I just really don't like it and wud rather not have it to worry about ontop of everything else.
Ok rant over!
Sorry about the long post!

I wouldn't go to anyone's house if they smoked. Their house stinks and so do they.
My mother smoked, and it made me feel sick as a child to smell smoke.

Well, if you don´t go there that often, I would not fret about it too much, just grin and bear it.

Unless the baby has a bronchial infection, being exposed to a bit of smoke for a few days in the year won´t do any harm, I´m sure.

I understand you don´t like it, but do you think you could overlook it for a day or so?

My FIL smokes a lot, also only in the kkitchen when we are there. I have had to vercome my own overprotectiveness and get used to it, after all, grandparents are very important to the child!

yanbu ,no one is allowed to smoke round my ds2 and def not in the house ,if any friends or fam come to see me i make them smoke outside .

Well dd1 has asthma, so breathing in any cigarette smoke can make her wheezy, so I would say yanbu.

I believe that after a cigarette, smokers breathe out toxins for half an hour afterwards. So even if they smoke outside, it still has an effect.

I went to the house of a smoking friend who only ever smoke outside, and her house still stank of smoke, it clings to your clothes and hair, in a way that pet/cooking smells just don't.

I realise that we are surrounded by chemicals and toxins, but short of living in a bubble you can't get away from those. But you can ask someone not to smoke.

when we were discharged with prem dd we were told the same advice as others, but also to clean teeth as well. we were told that they breathe out carbon monoxide and toxins for an hour afterwards.

i think if you do smoke you can't really get your head round the rancidness of the smell of someone who's freshly had a cigarette, and that absolutely does transfer to a baby. (i know becasue in an effort not to be precious i let someone play with my wee baby shortly after a fag, i was horrified at the smell tbh and had to change her and wash her hair).

i smoked for yonks, i wouldn't have done if i'd known how unimaginably disgusting i smelled. in fact what made me stop was the pong of the smoking room at work, it was the only place where i 'got' the real vileness of it, and the fact that it went from freshly painted white to bright yellow in three months.

YANBU, this is your child and what you say goes. I would like to point out that the links between passive smoking and any illness are at best tenous, try looking up some of the studies! In fact I think you'll find using aerosol sprays like deodrant have more evidence against them. Just think of all the times peeps have smoked then sprayed.

Having said that it does stink and if you don't like it you need to say something even if it is their house...ask them to come to yours and smoke outside...it's winter so they should be wearing a coat while smoking so shouldn't need to change tops either.

Wow, I love reading the way people get so defensive over smoking. There is no justification for the habit--it doesnt give the smoker anything or do anything good for the smoker, it only harms the smoker and those around you.

I dont go to my Fils very often, both him and his wife smoke in the conservatory. They dont seem to notice that they trail in the vile smell with them as if they'd smoked in the room with us. I dont let them hold DD after smoking, but its not that I say no to requests, because they dont ask. I just keep DD with me or DH at those times. Call me precious, I dont care. My mum was one of those mythological people for whom smoking nearly killed her and has shortened her life dramatically and I will never be able to see it as anything other than a disgusting, smelly, dangerous habit.

I quit smoking almost a year ago and im actually almost embarrassed about how much I hate it now! When I did smoke I would of scoffed at me.
It lingers. It stinks.

My dad has been a 40 a day smoker all my life and he quit 4 months ago, he still desperately wants one bless him and while there has been a noticable improvement on the smell in their house. You can still tell, for example, I wrapped DS in a little blanket to come home in the other day because he had wet himself and didnt have any spare trousers. It wasnt until I got the blanket home did I notice the faint cigarette smell. This was a blanket that had been clean, in the cupboard after 4 months of no smoking in the house and even then he only smoked in the kitchen!! So yup, the smell gets around!

I detest smoking but I think that yabu.

Perfectly ok to tell someone not to smoke in your house even if you don't have a baby as it's your house etc...

But I do think it's precious, and I think these types of threads are too prevalent "ibu to not take my child to x house because y smokes/ibu to not allow my child to go to z's house because they have a dog?" and on and on.

Fact is, if you have a car you are exposing your children to far greater amounts of toxins than if you smoke. If you have a buggy you are exposing them to far greater amounts of toxins than if you smoke, as you walk down the street where the exhaust fumes are literally at their height.

You're not going to see your mil every day are you? Maybe occasionally, and she's smoking a few rooms away. And yes, it stinks, would be the first to acknowledge that, but your pfb isn't going to die because she's been in contact with someone who happened to have had a cigarette.

YANBU.
Smoking is disgusting and people who do it around children are awful.
My mil used to smoke, but she stopped before dc arrived, both dh and I had already said in no uncertain terms that we would not be visiting her if she insisted on smoking while we were there and if the room we would be sitting in smelt of smoke and that she wouldn't be holding the dc if she smelt of smoke. i don't see this as being unreasonable, my dc's are much more precious than hurting peoples feeling.
I don't want to take my dc's out and bring them home again stinking.
Or exposing them to something that bring on asmatha or give them lung cancer.
It's fine for your mil to want to kill herself but she shouldn't be trying to kill of everyone else too!

Asthmatic person here so very biased. People who are often around smokers/smoke themselves forget about how toxic cigarette fumes are. But let me put it this way; My next door neighbour smokes, Every morning about they light a cigg as soon as tey get up. And I know straight away they're smoking because my chest tightens up immediately, and i can smell the fumes. This is when they are smoking in their house (our walls are thin) My previous neighbour smoked in the house all the time, and her son developed severe asthma. Those toxins are nasty, and I for one would demand that your MIL not smoke at all around my new baby.

YANBU!

Don't grin and bear it - YANBU You are Not being precious.

It is your choice whether you wish to expose your baby.

Your MIL needs to make a choice - a cig or a hug from her grandchild.

Babies and Children are particularly at risk of passive smoking because they are smaller than adults and also breathe more quickly.

Here is a list of serious conditions that you would be putting your baby at an increased risk for:

cancer
asthma
coughing and wheezing
middle ear infections
pneumonia
meningitis

Breathing in second-hand smoke or smoking in the same room as a baby can increase the risk of cot death.

Oh and don't forget that the pollutants will still be on smokers clothing and smokers hair, in the next room and so on.

Good Luck!

I agree with Wannabe. I'm astonished at how many people seem to think that a completely pristene smoke-free environment 100% of the time is preferable to occasional contact with a doting grandma who smokes (in her own kitchen!). Yes smoke smells bad, yes it is unhealthy, yes it feels particularly inappropriate to smell even a whiff of it around tiny new babies but, on the other hand, absolutely miniscule amounts of smoke, if any, will actually reach your baby AND... she's his nan. Their relationship trumps all these concerns, surely? Especially since it's quite likely that if you and your partner have a pleasant, tactful word she'd be more than happy to shut the door or go outside...

The Grandma is hardly doting if she insists on smoking with a baby around. It would be a good time to give up such a disgusting habit!

'absolutely miniscule amounts of smoke, if any, will actually reach your baby'

And you know this because?

I find it strange that a doting grandma would put a ciggie before the relationship and health of their grandchild.

Grandchild first. Ciggie last.

If she can't/won't do that then it's just another bad advertisement for the irrational sense of prioritisation often exhibited by those addicted to ciggarettes as far as I'm concerned.

'I find it strange that a doting grandma would put a ciggie before the relationship and health of their grandchild.'

Exactly-she should get her priorities right.
How can smoking be more important than spending time with a grandchild?

You're dead on right there Pises!

YANBU my MIL smokes and we allow here to smoke in the garden at our house. When we go there she smokes in her kitchen. she closes the door. The smell DOES get around even with the door shut but tbh she has always been very nice about it, when my son was younger and havign chest problems (had been hospitalized) she would go outside even at her house in the pouring rain to smoke rather than smoke in the house with him.

I think if she understood how much it put you off going there she would at least close the door if nothing else.

we have never made my MIL change her clothes though.

Considering secondhand smoke contains carbon monoxide, ammonia, hydrogen cyanide, amongst other toxins, I don't think it's being overly precious to want to keep a newborn baby away from that.

It's not about depriving a grandparent of access to their grandchild, it's about a grandparent prioritising their grandchild over the desire for a cigarette for a few hours.

I think you should ask her nicely to smoke outside when the baby is there, like she said she would in the first place.

Thing is smoking is an addiction for many people so it might not necessarily be a case of the GM putting cigs before her grandchild as such.

OP I think YABU a leeetle bit. I would doubt that spending a few hours every now and then with someone who smokes in a totally different room will have any long term effects on the baby. If you lived with her then thats a diff. story.

Besides it won't be long before a tiny bit of smoke wafting in from another room will be the least of your worries - I caught DS sucking the door mat the other day

my dad smokes and when my dcs are newborns doesn't hold them for an hour after smoking, he doesnt smoke in the older dcs vicinity and doesnt smoke in his house when we stay.

it ain't that hard.

I am no longer in contact witha friend of 20 years because her DS and DH both chain smoked when I took my DG to their home. She did at least smoke outside but the whole house smelt of smoke. It's just not negotiable, smoking around children. On another thread just about everyone was outraged about having childrens' ears pierced. No comparison as far as I'm concerned

YANBU. I would say unless you can agree to not smoke at all whilst he is here then we aren't coming.

Show her this which explains that even when smoking outside they are still breathing out smoke when they come inside.