To be fed up with being a wife?

[hahaimawitch]

I am sure this is the case for many. We both work full time, own businesses. However I work from home. Therefore I am also fulltime mum and run the home and our lives in general. We don't earn enough to have extra childcare so cue very late nights and weekend working for me.
DH does what he can, cooks when here, cleans and looks after children at weekend.
However I am fit to scream at the constantness of it all, being the one who does bloody everything, the washing etc and we are at each others throats.
I know that if I didn't think about the nitty gritty, getting children to school with the right stuff, milk in the fridge, bills paid etc etc it would all go wrong.
DH says well you can do all that as you work from home, he can't as he isn't here.
I am freaking out over school holidays and the mighty juggling act that is coming, whn I ask can he take a couple of days off to help I get a, sorry no I am too busy. Partly in his defence, we are going on holiday over new year and there are only so many days left before christmas.
Because he isn't here he has the mentality - today he has an early meeting so off he goes. For me to have an early meeting I need a weeks notice to get childcare etc sorted.
He says he does what he can, he does try but I have really had enough and neither of us can back down which is now really getting out of hand.
He really believes he can't do more than he does.
Any suggestions before we implode in an almighty mess, we currently can bearly speak to each other.

YANBU no suggestions but I know how you feel.

You are seriously overburdened.

I think that you need some outside help/counselling to help you see the wood for the trees and to work out how you can lighten your workload. Would you consider Relate?

Huge sympathy but no answers. I'm still on maternity leave but have always done all of the domestic admin and now we have a child as well am never, never not working. How I juggle paid work with all that next year as well I don't know. And like you, DH just says, well I'm working. Aren't we all.

I'm sorry, his attitude is totally unacceptable.

Both dh and I work full time and actually the biggest source of resentment for us too was feeling that one did more than the other (which wasn't true).

But in your case, you are doing more just because you happen to be at home.

There is some logic in shoving a load of washing on while making a sandwich. But doing all the childcare and all the cleaning and doing a full time job cannot work out long term for you when dh is not pulling his weight.

I think you have to sit down and say to him that he needs to do certain things in the evening/before he goes to work - i.e. shoving on washing, helping make packed lunches, going shopping. He doesn't have to do everything but he must contribute something.

I assume from what you say about finances that your income is as important as his so he needs to start recognising that you cannot do without your income - and if you really cannot spare any cash for childcare/cleaners, then you must share those 'home' jobs between you.

YANBU, we've nearly split up over rows about domestic stuff. Alleviated now as I'm on Mat leave and ds is a relatively easy going baby so can get on with stuff. But when on mat leave with dd ("high need baby") or both working we're at each others throats as he just says "but I've been at work" as if that's an excuse not to do anything round the house or all the organisational stuff.

I asked him to take responsibility to oredr the on-line shopping once every 2 weeks but that seems beyond his capability at mo "because he's working". I said if we both had that attitude (we both work) we'd live in a s**thole, dcs would have no clothes, go to no activities, we'd never go out/on holiday and our lives would basically be crap. he doesn't get it though because you've guessed it "HE'S WORKING!!!".

I think a lot are in your situation and it's bloody frustrating esp when you're obviously working so hard.

and what made a difference for us (sorry, can only speak from experience rather than suggesting stuff because every relationship is different) was starting to do the little things again.

So dh left early today but emptied the dishwasher before he left. Just LITTLE things. That's the sort of thing your dh needs to focus on. Putting on the washing, making a meal. He can't physically do the childcare but he must help and you have to tell him how this is making you feel.

Resentment is an awful emotion and will suck all the life and joy out of your relationship and he needs to be made fully aware of that!

It does sound like your life is hectic, just to put a bit of perspective on it, i have to do all of the things you do, but i have to do it on my own as i dont have a dp, so it is good that he helps out when he can, you do sound a little bit disorganised, maybe if you start keep a list of things to do per day and split it between you and dh, so if you need milk then he can pick it up on his way home from work, jobs that can be done while you work from home, like loading washing machine can be assigned to you etc

It is bloody damn hard work running a family, you have my sympathy

It helps me, when I am frustrated by DP's lack of (or inadequate) participation in the running of family life and the household, to remember that it really, truly does pass lots of men by that these things do not happen automatically and that the hotel they inhabit requires labour, both intellectual and physical.

That is not an excuse for them not doing anything, but rather a way for me of engineering participation better. I would hate to sulk, nag or scream to get DP to do things. And it wouldn't work.

He makes me feel so guilty though, when he can, he does do what he can but I feel so often I have to force the issue.
We had an arguement last night over christmas shopping, I have done all of it bar one or two things. I joked over whether he had done any knowing all he has to do is me and the children and got my head pulled off over it. Perhaps this is to do with a historical cock up on his part at f**king up our wedding aniversary with his supreme lack of effort and he is touchy about presents.
How did it get to this, no romance, no sex just constant bickering.

I think the pressure is in the knowledge that if I left the ship would sink but if he left (apart from missing him like hell) life would go on as normal.

ah well it sounds a bit deeper than just the housework

do you ever get time on your own together? when was your last proper holiday?

I also work from home and am self-employed and end up doing all kinds of non-work household stuff when I'm "at work". To an extent I can see that it has to be that way, as DP does have an employer and meetings etc that he has to be at, and I can be more flexible. But if I was working evenings while he was relaxing, I would have to put my foot down. That's when he should be keeping up with household stuff.

The bottom line is look at ALL the work - both your jobs and all the household tasks. If you're spending more time on it all than him, it's not fair and you can sit him down and point that out. My DP is not the best at remembering things or being organised so I have to delegate and give him lists of things to do in the house, but that's OK.

I think it is a mistake to try to make a joke about his failure to have got his Christmas shopping organised.

My DP is quite capable of using up extortionate amounts of energy at the last minute on the choosing of Christmas presents for his parents - the only present he has to choose and, very ironically, his parents are Jewish!

I got so infuriated with him thinking he could use up all his (and plenty of my) Christmas energy on this teensy-weensy insignificant thing (and then think that that was it and he had nothing else to do) that I talked to him, very pleasantly, around end October about this and marked a Saturday in the diary in mid-November for us to go shopping together to choose his parents' presents. We achieved it very quickly and painlessly.

It requires you to have the foresight, but frankly that is much less aggro than the alternative... and maybe one day he will learn, by being taught...

Ahh well that is where the rub is. He thinks he already does lots as he does cook, empty the dishwasher etc. Everyone who knows him tells him how great he is at home and aren't I lucky to have him... so it must be me who is unreasonable!
It is easy to do the little things, it is the thinking about the bigger picture all the time which is getting to me.
We are going on holiday over New Year, perhaps we can get some perspective then.

Bonsoir - you sound so reasonable and logical about it, perhaps after I have run round the garden screaming, had a cup of tea I might attempt the same!

lol, I'm not sure you're unreasonable but you do sound very very stressed

I know what you mean about the responsibility (i.e. the thinking about everything) but I do think that's a very common gripe and SOMETIMES (and I'm not saying this is definitely in your case), women bring that upon themselves by doing everything anyway (like the Christmas shopping).

I think there are only 2 solutions to how you feel..1. is to rejig work so you don't work from home every day (I know this requires a major finance rejig but if you are that unhappy it might be worth it) and 2. you need a break and some time on your own with dh.

My DP by nature has no clue how much work is involved in running a house and having DC. So I make it my business to tell him. Ideally not nagging or ranting - just part of the daily stuff I tell him about - we need to renew passports, sort out this direct debit, get a present for X, change that lightbulb, kitchen floor needs a clean, change spare bed for guests, blah blah blah - then I reasonably discuss how we should share the tasks out. I don't moan about how much I'm doing, instead I just talk as if obviously we will share the tasks out and agree who will do what. He can't reasonably say "Oh no you have to do it all while I sit on my arse". But if you do do it all and then moan, he can just ignore you as a nagging cow, IYSWIM.

(Having said all this I still DO do more, because it comes naturally to me, but DP is a lot better than he used to be.)

(I also think the responsibility of your jobs can overwhelm you when added to the responsibility in life iyswim, esp as you are both owners of businesses which comes with the 'thinking about work all the time' problem)

Believe me, I have spent days of my life simmering with resentment about DP's inefficient use of his energy and time resources that I need to put to better use!

I got very cross one day when he purchased and carried home 6 litres of sparkling water from the supermarket on foot and expected me to swoon with pleasure and overload him with compliments at this show of initiative to "help me out".

I told him we were not living in an African village and that I did not carry water - it was delivered with our internet shop - and I expected him to keep his energy for other, more productive, activities. He has never let me forget that particular comment and regularly trots it out at dinner parties . But I was really, really .

Basically you need to try to let your resentment not get the better of you, and to forward plan your lives and then assign tasks to your DH in good time. Of course, you are still doing a lot more work than him but (and this is a big win!) you get to decide where your lives are going. Which isn't all bad .

That water story has cheered me up no end, thank you! You are right, the resentment is getting us nowhere

Yup, try to get past the resentment and to use it as a catalyst to make changes!

As a PP said I've found that my DH genuinely has no idea about a lot of the stuff that goes on behind the scenes. I've found it helps to say that I have such and such and such and such on this week and it would really help if he could do "named specific task". If I waited for him to spot it needed doing, he never would.

School holidays we sit down at the beginning of the year and work out roughly what is happening. which means both of us taking time off, or we pay for holiday club.

Also, can your DH do anything at work (lunch hour?) - can he pay bills, write shopping list, buy birthday cards?

I used to resent DH a lot, it's helped to move to the mindset that I can't blame him for not doing something if I've not asked him to (and not to resent that I have to ask).

THe trouble is not that men 'don't see' household jobs that need doing, the trouble is that too many men still believe that domestic work is for women, because women are not quite human and exist primarily to look after men.
So you have to sit your H down and point out that he must do his share of domestic work. It;s not a matter of 'helping' you - both of you are working - you're doing wage-earning work from home as well as chidcare - so the domestic work is not just your responsbility. Make a list of everything that needs to be done (OK, first priority will be to cut out/reduce all the piddly unecessary little things that eat time, such as ironing and dusting more than once a fortnight or so) and then divide the work up with the aim being that both of you have the same amount of chore-free, work-free time rather than him taking the attitude that when he's not at his wage-earning work he can do what he likes while you continue to do all the chores.

SolidGold - while I don't discount your theory and it may apply to some men, IMVHO it is not so much that men believe that women are there to serve them so much as they genuinely have no clue that domestic work needs doing! They totally underestimate its sheer volume!

i think however much one's DH does or doesn't do in the way of help, it comes down the realisation and ACCEPTANCE that yes, actually it is YOU that is in charge and responsible for it all running.

that may sound defeatist or whatever, but for me it was accepting this fact that has helped. i wish wish there was someone to take over, someone i could just say to, "Ok tell me what's need doing and i'll do it" but that person is ME end of. it does make it easier once you accept that.

i have a very helpful DH but it is is me who has to provide a shopping list if he is going shopping, me who has to know everything at all times and be in charge.

so once that is sorted, you can get on with organising it. Yes i may be in charge but i use that responsibility to delegate wherever possible - cleaner, ironer, shopping delivered, good diary/calendar system, lists everywhere so always ready for anything..... i work 3 days a week but have to say even if i was at home i would buy in some help. the strain is being in charge and runnong everything at all times, not to mention life on top which is christmas, holidays, school stuff (not even mentioning my own work stuff!!!). once you know what needs doing it is easy to divvy out a few tasks off each list for your DH.

i think you have to accept you cant have everything at all times. so you need to either scale down on work or buy out some help. or you could just carry on as you are and resent eachother so much your marriage fails. life always come down to choices and compromise in the end doesn't it.