To be fed up with being a wife?

[hahaimawitch]

I am sure this is the case for many. We both work full time, own businesses. However I work from home. Therefore I am also fulltime mum and run the home and our lives in general. We don't earn enough to have extra childcare so cue very late nights and weekend working for me.
DH does what he can, cooks when here, cleans and looks after children at weekend.
However I am fit to scream at the constantness of it all, being the one who does bloody everything, the washing etc and we are at each others throats.
I know that if I didn't think about the nitty gritty, getting children to school with the right stuff, milk in the fridge, bills paid etc etc it would all go wrong.
DH says well you can do all that as you work from home, he can't as he isn't here.
I am freaking out over school holidays and the mighty juggling act that is coming, whn I ask can he take a couple of days off to help I get a, sorry no I am too busy. Partly in his defence, we are going on holiday over new year and there are only so many days left before christmas.
Because he isn't here he has the mentality - today he has an early meeting so off he goes. For me to have an early meeting I need a weeks notice to get childcare etc sorted.
He says he does what he can, he does try but I have really had enough and neither of us can back down which is now really getting out of hand.
He really believes he can't do more than he does.
Any suggestions before we implode in an almighty mess, we currently can bearly speak to each other.

PS messy house, in my mind, not a big deal at all...

but the costs don't make sense, you can get a cleaner for 20 pounds a week - that really doesn't buy enough childcare to be any use. a couple of hours is pointless if you have to take the time to pick them up and drop them off.

it sounds like they are school age though - and after school club, or even a childminder till say 5.30 is probably not going to break the bank and it means not picking them up which gives you the whole day from 9 onwards iyswim

or as someone else suggested, an au pair

I just think working, even working at home, without help is liable to make even a saint feel incredibly stressed.

Re childcare, if business wasn't so tough then of course but it is a difficult time for both of us.

I agree with those who say there is nothing in a man's DNA that makes him unable to see dirt. Most men just don't see it as their responsibility. Sure, a lot of men nowadays feel that being a good partner involves "helping out" with a few bits, but ultimately most see their wives as the boss of the household and therefore don't take the initiative and aren't interested in doing it either. I mean, why would you be, if someone else is going to come along and do your dirty work for you?

My dp's the same by the way. He does stuff willingly when asked to. I'm mostly a SAHM, so the shit will hit the fan in a few years' time when I go back to working full-time. My plan is to have a cleaner and a list of chores to divvy up. Of course it's "the boss" here who'll draw up the list and ensure it's all done. Grrrrrrrrrrr!

OP I understand how you feel in terms of working from home late nights and weekends. I was a full-time SAHM until recently when we really needed to earn more, so I went back to being self-employed working from home (translator). I still have 19 month old dd full-time, dp works until 9pm 6 days a week, can't afford a cleaner, and I'm in front of the computer until 5am once or twice a week. And dp is self-employed too, so we know about the added stress of making sure you have an adequate income and being your own worst boss. So I feel your pain, I would like to be able to divide myself in two, and can't see myself lasting in this situation!

Do you have any of your children at home with you all day?

yanbu but i'm not a wife and i have the jugglling nightmare too. it's called being a mum.

My DH does the washing, ironing, vacuuming, general tidying, and cleaning.
He works 4 days and on his day off does the above in the morning.
I do all the finance and organising of the household.
He doesn't clean the bathroom the way I would but most of the time it's ok - it's not likely to scare MIL or make anyone poorly, so hey - I'm not doing it. Oh and he can't see cobwebs.
He does have the 'allegedly typical' male trait of not listening properly, so he's not perfect!
Basically it's a compromise, we discussed it and worked out who would do what & mostly it seems to work.

This amazes me.
As a single mum I often wish that I had an extra pair of hands to help around the house. It would seem that i'm not missing out on that domestic side of things. So don't they even put the rubbish out?

PSM: IN many cases they expect all the housework to be done by the same undemanding magic fairy that just automaticlaly sucks their dicks on a Friday night.

I don't get this really. How were things divided up before you all had children? Surely things were 50:50 then? dh and I met as students, and divided things so that I did the cooking and he did the washing. We both cleaned (but we had a tiny flat). When we were both working we continued, although dh gradually learned how to cook too (he's never been keen on me doing any washing though). When we had the children we both worked full time, and (a big luxury IMO) had a cleaner. I did more bedtime routine as I was usually home first, but it was still fairly 50:50. Then dh had a spell of being SAHD, and that's how it is now. As the children go to school and are not that much work, he does the cleaning as well as the washing, and until recently most of the cooking in the week. Now we have a new puppy that's keeping him busy, so I've been doing most of the shopping and cooking. Given the choice I think that both of us would much rather not do the "shit work" as SGB calls it, but it's there and needs to be done (although I generally think many people spend way too much time on cleaning etc).

My firm conviction is that there is no need for one person to have to be in charge of everything. Specify the tasks, decide if they really need to be done, and when, and then divide them up according to strengths, preferences and ease of completion and then you can each have your areas of responsibility. Try and plan difficult times in advance so that you can schedule when you can each take time off and when you will need childcare. For school aged children holiday playschemes are relatively cheap. But again start from the perspective that both parents have an equal role to play, and a responsibility to do what they can to make things work.

I also firmly believe that it is our responsibility as parents to make sure we turn out our children (both male and female) with the understanding that households come with chores, and that they are both capable and willing (however reluctantly) to complete them. Boys are only messy and lazy if they are allowed to be, and the same goes for girls (NB I was the messy teenager, and dh the tidy one, so I know this is perfectly possible).

My DH is really good at chores but I have to tell him what to do. We are having a blitz on the house today as I've been working full time and everything has slipped. I usually work part-time which gives me time to sort everything out (my 3 are at school all day).

Make a list and divide it up. Online shopping helps. I meal plan and order the food on Sunday nights.

I have some very lazy male friends and no way are my sons turning out like that (hopefully my future DILs will thank me!). My 4 year old twin sons have chores.

hahaimawitch - you are both business people and should approach this problem as a business problem because it is your business work and your household work that is clashing. We both work at home and do the following:

Outsource: You have a cleaner already but we buy in some childcare and get all your shopping delivered by doing online supermarket shopping. Saves us hours every week.

Efficiency: when making a meal, I make 2 extra portions and freeze them. It takes hardly any time longer to do it. While I am cooking DW bungs a washer on before we eat so it is ready to take out and put in the dryer straight after we have eaten. We use fitted sheets and put them straight back on beds after coming out of the dryer so they do not need ironing.

Organise: We have a family organiser calender and have a 'business meeting every morning to divide up the work we have to get through up to for a week/fortnight ahead.

Divide Labour: we found that allocating tasks to only one person meant that person got good at that task and could organise it in the most efficient way. Two people trying to do the cleaning we found just results in things being done twice or not at all.

Cut out waste: I find that there is always the odd 10 minutes to do someting useful in rather than just wasting time sitting in front of TV.

Hi, hahaimawitch

You sound very overworked to me, but I'm sure as ABD has said, maybe by tackling the problems in a very structured way there are things that can be done.

Examples of things me and DP do:
All our bills are set up to pay via automatic DD - I don't even consider paying bills a job, they arrive in the post I check them quickly then chuck them away knowing that the computer/bank is doing it all.

We do online shopping - once you've got a list set up you can save it so that you can put in your same standard order each time - cuts down shopping from 2 hours a fortnight to 15 mins.

How old are your DC's? Are they old enough to take responsibility for a couple of things - like making sure they have the right books and stuff, uniform is hung up ready for the morning, laying the table etc?

I'm sure you and DP can work it out