Ooh Porca me too! Let's keep in touch, there aren't many of us
I work full time, 3 days at home and 2 out.
DP is a SAHD. I drive, while he doesn't.
Naturally I end up doing quite a bit (probably around 60%), ironically however it's him who gets fed up and starts to feel like he's doing more than his share. A few months ago, at his instigation, we sat down to write lists of who should do what when.
What came out of this is that he's very clued up about all the things he does, but anything I does goes right off his radar.
My invisible jobs:
- Doing the shopping by car (he does some shopping on foot when he takes DD to school, but stuff like drinks, loo roll, washing liquid etc. I get by car once a week or so)
- Anything to do with paperwork so passports, objecting to planning permission, emptying the book bag for today's charity request etc.
- Anything to do with phones (ringing family re birthdays, Xmas presents etc),
- all the washing, drying and putting clothes in drawers (we iron our own stuff as and when needed)
- all the bills, money management, mortgage etc.
- everything about holidays - finding accom, flights, booking, transport to airports, packing etc.,
- fixing/insuring/servicing/road taxing the car (which makes sense as the car is "mine")
All these were left off his list. He just hadn't thought of it, although he knows somewhere in the back of his mind that all this happens.
Some chores fall off both our lists, eg mopping the kitchen floor. I do it every 6 months on my hands and knees (because by then it's in such a state). Guess which one of us occasionally heaves a heavy sigh and says "Look at the floor....ugh." (It still hasn't made it onto DP's list though!)
Feel very happy to see a number of people say they solve this problem by having a messy slightly less than immaculate home. I'm with you there, sisters. My house is messy. I'd rather it wasn't. However, cleaning has to take its place in the priority list with work, playing with DD, time to talk to DP, an hour or so of TV in the evening, personal hygiene etc.
The philosophy/equality aspect is very interesting but so complicated. At the end of the day, there is a lot of crp that needs doing. It's no fun for anyone. Surely it's not naturally* anyone's "job" unless they are either being paid or they get satisfaction from it? By satisfaction I don't mean a domestic martyr.
How we manage, which is reasonably well (we are both quite emotional and we can't have simmering resentments because they always come to a head after a few days) is to keep in mind that we are each doing our share, but we each do different things. The only way to iron out imbalances is to make lists and say "we need to get all this done, let's see how to do it". Ditto the PP who said it's not about him helping you, it's household work that, as equal partners in a household, you have equal shares in. As both of you have FT jobs this should really end up pretty equal. Ditch the resentment, say "look, we have to sort this out", treat it like a practical problem.
A quote from Marilyn French's "The Women's Room" (relates to earlier bit of post - can't remember it exactly but here's the gist:
"I hate discussions of feminism that end with who does the dishes."
"The trouble is, there are always the damned dishes."