to think this chap's partner needs to grow a bit of a backbone?

[OrmIrian]

Ops manager at work. Well-paid, responsible position. Has 3 youngish children and partner who is SAHP. But everytime she gets a cold or a headache, or has to deal with any kind of crisis no matter how tiny, he runs off home to sort it out for her.

Today she called him at just after 2pm because the car didn't start at school. They live 30 miles from work. She didn't want to call the RAC so he left work to go and sort it out. He didn't come back that day.

So everyone who works with him was left in the lurch, having to cover his responsibilties. AIBU to think that that sort of feebleness gives women a bad name, and that if you are being paid to do a job of work you shouldn't bugger off to rescue a perfectly capable adult from situations that any perfectly capable adult should be able to deal with? She needs to get a backbone, and so does he!

Has he said anything about it?
My bosses wife is like this, he seems to encourage it though and think it is perfectly ok.

He looks a bit sheepish and says sorry in 'huh women eh' sort of way which really riles me.

Well it does sound like madness, but is there more too it? Is she stuggling in some way? His remark about women is less than helpful.

TBH I don't know mary. She might be although he hasn't mentioned it (and he shares most other areas of his life with the whole office).

I suspect it's something I will just have to grit my teeth and ignore. His manager says nowt so I suppose it's no-one else's business.

It is annoying that his colleagues have to pick up his work, but really it is his business as to why he helps her out.

There could be lots of reasons why she is unable to cope, many of them he would prefer to keep private. The fact his manager hasn't said anything makes me wonder if his manager knows something you don't.

YABU, but I would be annoyed too!

Could be some underlying problem. One of dh's workmates has a wife with some kind of mental health/depression/anxiety problem; don't know the details too well, but I do know she rings him at work several times a day for seemingly very minor issues.

Sounds like there is more to it. My husband has stayed home occasionally if I have been ill but not very often. I would imagine she has some deeper problems that she needs his help so often in which case she is lucky to have him and he is lucky to have an understanding boss!

Is she having problems, or are they having a crafty afternoon in the sack?? Don't blame them in this weather

I think there could possibly be more to it, maybe she has PND and is finding it hard to cope? I have anxiety and depression (am on ad's at the moment for it and am getting better) but at my worst I couldn't cope with even the smallest thing, it just used to send me into complete panic. Not saying this is definately the case but it's possible?

Whilst suffering badly from pnd I had to call my Dh home to help me quite a few times. he didnt tell the people working for him why he had to come home, just that he did (none of their buisness!!)
One time a guy said to my Dh that he needed to 'put his foot down' because lots of women have kids and just 'get on with it'. My Dh told him to mind his own F*%cking buisness. He no longer works for Dh.

"none of their buisness!!"

Do you really think that though?

I have had PND and I have 3 kids so I do now how awful it is and have lots of sympathy if that is the case. But is it really OK to just say 'fuck the lot of you' and go? Perhaps some kind of explanation might make things easier. Or at least some acknowledgment that he is asking a lot of his colleagues.

Having spoken to him this morning I have a bit more understanding about why she might need help. He expressed horror that MIL left 2 yr old son on his own in the front room while she went to the loo So I suspect they are severely helicopter parents. Which must be exhausting...

BTW only 2 DC - I must have imagined the third.

I think you are straying in to dangerous judging territory now. You have no idea why he was horrified, it may be, like my PIL house where it is like a health and safety quiz of dangers, some of which I would be happy with at 2yo, others I wouldn't.

And yes, it is none of your business as to why he helps his wife, it is only your business as to how your workplace deals with his absence and the effect on your workload.

If this guy is dumping others with his tasks, then that is their business, almost literally.

Whether the SAHP is/isn't ill, and the nature of illness, isn't their concern - but doing someone else's job for nothing is.

If they think it's a problem, the office should list the work they've done between them that wasn't in their remit, and talk to the manager about it. They need to make clear how much extra resource this guy's absences require.

YABU as you have no idea of her situation.

"it is only your business as to how your workplace deals with his absence and the effect on your workload"

Glad you agree on that anyway.

A partner being ill, the DC being very ill = reasons to be called home, occasionally.

Car not starting, other bollocks reasons = taking the piss for people who have to pick up after them. Simple.

During this pregnancy either ds or I seem to be constantly ill with one virus or another and I have called on dh to help on occasions. I would hate to think that people in his office were juding me, well actually I couldn't care less what they think but you know what I mean.

He may have been called on to help with the car because the RAC were going to take too long. When I used to have a car on the two occasions I called the AA they took forever to come and dh said after it would have been easier if I just called him and he would have towed me home.

You should be pleased that he obviously cares about his family and wants to help. The alternative would annoy me more.

In my limited experience, people who specialise in sudden absences tend to get away with it until the first round of redundancies, when their boss rapidly opens the door for them to stay away from work permanently.

But I wouldn't tell this guy that. Your DP & co are entitled to talk to his manager's manager tho, if they are finding it a problem. How often does the guy do it?

YANBU. It is not your job to provide indirect childcare/family support to him & his family. Whatever her situation is, he needs to find a way of dealing with it which does not impact constantly upon the workplace and third parties - that is just utterly selfish and takes the P*ss. I don't know how you held your tongue - if I had known that they had RAC cover and could have used that, I would have refused to cover for him.

Well it would have taken him a good 40 mins to get there and IME breakdown people come very quickly to a woman on her own with kids.

However as everyone says the reasons are not my business. But being seriously pissed off with someone taking their paid employments as an optional extra regardless of the impact on others is quite reasonable IMO.

" if I had known that they had RAC cover and could have used that"

Actually that was what made me see red! if she had been marooned in the middle of nowhere with the children and there was no other help I'd have been horrified if he didn't rush to the rescue. But she was outside school surrounded by people and with breakdown cover.

It happens about 2 or 3 times a week. He and his team have only been in our office for about 2m. Before that they were on the other side of town so we didn't see this happening.

In fact it doesn't impact much on me. It's not my area but I can the others running around picking up his loose ends and I don't think it's fair.