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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this chap's partner needs to grow a bit of a backbone?

79 replies

OrmIrian · 09/12/2009 21:51

Ops manager at work. Well-paid, responsible position. Has 3 youngish children and partner who is SAHP. But everytime she gets a cold or a headache, or has to deal with any kind of crisis no matter how tiny, he runs off home to sort it out for her.

Today she called him at just after 2pm because the car didn't start at school. They live 30 miles from work. She didn't want to call the RAC so he left work to go and sort it out. He didn't come back that day.

So everyone who works with him was left in the lurch, having to cover his responsibilties. AIBU to think that that sort of feebleness gives women a bad name, and that if you are being paid to do a job of work you shouldn't bugger off to rescue a perfectly capable adult from situations that any perfectly capable adult should be able to deal with? She needs to get a backbone, and so does he!

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mumblechum · 10/12/2009 13:43

Riven there aren't many jobs where you can just carry on doing your own thing and let everything on your colleague's desk go hang.

If one of my colleagues is off sick I have to see her clients, acquaint myself with their file before the meeting, do a write up of the meeting etc as well as my own work.

porcamiseria · 10/12/2009 13:43

he is taking the piss big time, even if she does have issues/PND I dont quite see why it should detract from his working time anyway? as a full time working Mum it fucks me off when people take the piss like this, then it makes it hard for people to be taken seriously when there are genuine emergencies. God thats sounds harsh but in your position I would be very annoyed, and would probably say something too

Original poster

OrmIrian · 10/12/2009 13:45

And ops stands for operations - which means stuff that happens all the time and may go wrong. If it does and the factory goes down and we can't despatch to customers we are in big trouble. And of course there are ongoing projects as well as all that which may or may not have tight deadlines.

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RainRainGoAway · 10/12/2009 13:47

I called DH to check if he could come home early the other day (he is a surgeon). Our DS has cut his neck (about 1cm and deep) and I wanted a 2nd opinion if I should take him to a&e or if steristrips I placed were ok.(I am medical too!)

DH managed to get home that night at 5.30 instead of 7 as a 'help'. He would not leave his collegues in the lurch. Had I truly been worried I could have, and would have gone to A&E, by myself and with DD. I respect his job has to come first unless there is a full on emergency.

This bloke and his wife are really taking the proverbial (pseudo-problems - I love!!) and eventually his team will also start to take the piss.

Original poster

OrmIrian · 10/12/2009 13:53

I do wonder how I would cope if I had to call DH. He's a teacher in a class of 11 Yr11 with behavioural problems. Can't see him walking out because I couldn't start the car. In fact he's laugh at me if I even suggested it.

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TheCrackFox · 10/12/2009 13:58

I think it would have to be something major like a broken leg before DH would leave work.

However, I do know someone who had breast cancer and only a very small circle of people were told. Her DH didn't tell anyone at work other than his immediate superiors about it.

mumblechum · 10/12/2009 14:02

Orm, my dh would also laugh if I phoned him about something trivial like the car not starting. As he wouldn't have a clue how to help I wouldn't dream of asking him.

Half the time he's in the States so wouldn't be a whole lot of help.

Your colleague will be in the firing line for the next redundancy if he doesn't grow a pair, I suspect.

Original poster

OrmIrian · 10/12/2009 14:05

Tis a possibility mumblechum. But people tend to stay here for ever! I've been here for 15 yrs They make it too comfortable I suspect.

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sarah293 · 10/12/2009 15:09

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Malificence · 10/12/2009 15:23

It's good job she's not a military wife!

It is a bit pathetic, I don't have much patience for people who can't cope with insignificant "problems".

sarah293 · 10/12/2009 16:29

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mumblechum · 10/12/2009 16:51

But Riven, it would be the same the other way round. Say you were working away, doing something reasonably important, at least so far as your employer was concerned, and your dh phoned you up to say he had a headache/cold/flat tyre and could you please drop everything, leaving your colleagues to sort it out.

Be honest. Most women in that situ would tell their dh to take a paracetomol or phone the RAC.

It's not a man/woman thing, it's a common sense, let's try not to piss the boss off when there are xmillion unemployed thing.

kinnies · 10/12/2009 16:54

This thread is bloody sad.

And orm I dont think my Dh was over the top telling the bloke to mind his own at all.
Dh had the raving hump that the guy was making assumptions that I was taking the piss and being demanding for the sake of it. I wasnt of corse. I was doing my best not to top myself.

Making ill informed asumptions about other peoples partners when you have not a clue about the full story is just silly, rude and childish.

sarah293 · 10/12/2009 17:00

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mumblechum · 10/12/2009 17:01

Well of course you would, but the guy Orm was talking about had to leave work because his wife "didn't want to call the RAC".

It's not the same thing at all.

slightlycrumpled · 10/12/2009 17:12

DH has had to leave work urgently on many occassion relating to DS2 when he has been rushed to hospital and he wouldn't have it any other way.

I think most of the people in his office know about DS2's difficulties, but what they don't know is DH works there for less money than he could get elsewhere, but what he misses in salary he gets in goodwill allowing him flexibility when he needs it.

People leaving because someone doesn't want to phone the RAC is a bit rich though and DH would be ed that I even asked him I think, although I would phone him vent about the situation later!

kinnies · 10/12/2009 17:13

Well my Dh came home because I was scared of the door bell, could not leave the house to pick up ds from school and lots of other things so I can understand not wanting to call the RAC. Dont you think it sounds a bit odd? most people can cope with these everyday situations. I would say that it is more likley that she has a mental health problem than just wanting to be a PITA.

slightlycrumpled · 10/12/2009 17:17

Your right kinnies it does sound unusual actually, who knows what really goes on in other peoples lives.

Original poster

OrmIrian · 10/12/2009 17:18

Ok kinnies - "just silly, rude and childish" as I might be what do you suggest those who have to pick up after him do? I appreciate that you might not give a toss, but they presumably do? Would you be happy if and when your DH got the sack for not pulling his weight? And surely you must see that this is not a sustainable situation long term.

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Original poster

OrmIrian · 10/12/2009 17:21

And what do you mean by 'no support for women' riven? I'm a bloody woman fgs! And yes, my job is important to my family.

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Original poster

OrmIrian · 10/12/2009 17:23

I wonder how much stick DH would get on here if I told you he rang me at work and asked me to come home because he was struggling with the children? Or the car wouldn't start?

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slightlycrumpled · 10/12/2009 17:28

Well I care deeply what DH's employees think of me, I don't know why but I would hate to believe that they thought I was incapable. I prefer to think that they understand that sometimes our lives are more complicated than most.

Saying that DH has explained what the situation is with DS2 to them, as I believe has the managing director, and therefore it is not embarrasing or awkward when he does have to leave.

It also makes a difference imo (of being someone that dealt with HR in my previous life!) what kind of employee you are the rest of the time.

kinnies · 10/12/2009 17:29

Dh wont sack himself so I never had to worry about that

Unless its making your life very difficult I would leave it tbh.

I dont think you are going to help the situation by slagging his Dp off.

I feel sorry for her cos it must be hard to go through life not being able to deal with anything.

It is winding you up that he seems to get away with it- fair enough I can understand that. If you want to deal with it then you need to ask him if his Dp is ok and see if he opens up to you at all. Maybe she needs help and is not getting any.

Original poster

OrmIrian · 10/12/2009 17:33

Well it would help to know if there is some sort of problem I guess. I am fairly sure there isn't as he's not slow at telling everyone about his family circumstances in minute detail and it's never been mentioned.

IME no-one minds going above and beyond if there is a real need but as far as we know there isn't.

Anyhow I suspect that something may be said soon - he was in his own little kingdom before and no-one knew what he did although according to his team, he did this regularly. It's causing too much disruption.

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Original poster

OrmIrian · 10/12/2009 17:35

kinnies - its only winding me up because I think it's bloody unfair (not on me as I don't really get affected). But more importantly (and more selfishly) it may well make our senior management think again about the flexibility they offer their staff. And being the working wife of a working DH I need that flexibility for emergencies.

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