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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my family talking about personal things...

65 replies

susia · 08/12/2009 23:32

a few weeks ago I found a lump in my vagina. I confided in my mum, went to the doctor and am going to have it removed. A few days later my aunt rang me and said 'I'm so sorry to hear about your lump'...

All I said was I was upset that my mum has discussed it with her. I then tried to change the subject and she hung up on me!

My mum has since apologised to me but said my aunt is upset with me for not being able to discuss things like this with her. That my aunt is offended and insulted...that I shouldn't be so sensitive and secretive...it has ended with a terrible row with my mum.

I don't know what to do. I am mortified that my mum discussed this with my aunt and that I'm being made out to be the bad one in all this and feel that I'm being treated like a child. I'm 43 fgs!

OP posts:
Original poster
susia · 08/12/2009 23:34

.

OP posts:
CornishKK · 08/12/2009 23:37

Did you ask your Mum not to say anything?

I think YANBU although I doubt your Mum did it on purpose. Your Aunt is being nuts, does she want to discuss her fanjo with all & sundry?!

Your beaver, your business.

Tidey · 08/12/2009 23:38

I don't know quite what to say to that, beyond... I'd be mad as hell if a family member repeated things about me that were obviously very personal and not meant for everyone to know. She has no reason to be angry with you. She should be more angry with herself for not being able to keep it to herself, and with your aunt for going back to you and mentioning it.

MavisEnderby · 08/12/2009 23:38

Oh Susia.I am very sorry you are going through this.Hopefully you will be seen soon dr wise.

I would contact your dm and try to say tactfully that you would rather that such information was between you and her and not disseminated to other family.It is none of your aunts business if you don't want her to know and she should appreciate this.

Hope all is wellxx

Original poster
susia · 08/12/2009 23:38

what would you all think about this? would you be upset by it or is it me?

OP posts:
CornishKK · 08/12/2009 23:38

BTW - good luck with the removal. Ask your Mum not to post photos on Facebook

MavisEnderby · 08/12/2009 23:40

I would be upset.It is none of your Aunts business.I would discuss it with my dm though.

BitOfFun · 08/12/2009 23:40

I'd be a bit upset too- especially at being expected to reassure an aunt by telling her all my medical issues.

ROFL at "Your beaver, your business" though

Original poster
susia · 08/12/2009 23:41

thank you. They think the lump is a cyst so hopefully will be harmless but it needs to be removed to be sure.

My mum is very defensive about it, she keeps saying sorry for repeating what I told her but sounds really aggressive in the way she is apologising if you see what I mean.

I am not angry so much with her for telling my aunt or even with my aunt who meant well in phoning me but with my aunt for getting offended because I said I didn't want to discuss it with her and she is still offended with me! And with my mum for taking my aunt side about it.

OP posts:
displayuntiltwelfthnight · 08/12/2009 23:42

I would be upset too - VERY upset!
Your aunt was out of order to take offence just because you didn't want to discuss your personal business with her.
Good luck at the doctor's.

brook1 · 08/12/2009 23:43

Your mum probably shouldnt have discussed this with your aunt. But, did you specifically tell your mum to keep it to herself?

It is possible that your mum was worried and wanted to talk to someone about this. You are her daughter afterall. And she could well have told your aunt purely out of concern.

Having said that, you are probably over stressed at this time and your mum should understand that. She has already apologised to you but, I think that has been wiped out by the fact that you have now had a row about your aunts feelings.

Your mum needs to put your feelings and allow for your stress at the moment, over and above the feelings of her sister.

frakkinaroundthechristmastree · 08/12/2009 23:45

I would be extremely upset (but my aunt is an insensitive old bat). Like you I think I wouldn't be annoyed with my mother for telling but it's more that I'd expect her to shut up if I told her I didn't want to talk about it. I wouldn't really want to discuss it with anyone tbh!

YANBU

Original poster
susia · 08/12/2009 23:46

No I didn't tell my mum to keep it to herself and I can understand my mum discussing it with my aunt. It is my aunt taking offense and my mum defending her that I am upset about.

OP posts:
TheYearOfTheCat · 08/12/2009 23:47

I thought my family were a bunch of gossips . . .

Well, yes, they are.

But anyway - it is a bit rich for your aunt to expect you to be happy about the fact that your Mum discussed your fanjo with her, and not only that, but to sulk that you didn't discuss it with her first!!

NeedaNewName · 08/12/2009 23:49

Stick to your guns, YANBU.

Maybe your aunt and mum are embarrassed and this is their way of dealing with it. If I were you, I'd let the subject go now and carry on as though nothing has happened. You've made your views clear, if your aunt wants to be all silly about it all - tough, it has nothing to do with her and don;t let her make you feel guilty.

As for your mum, if you tell her anything again, make sure she knows it for her ears only.

Good luck with the removal

SolidGoldpiginablanket · 08/12/2009 23:49

I'm not surprised you're upset and I don't think you're being unreasonable.
ON the one hand I can understand your mum talking to your aunt (who is presumably her sister) - perhaps she didn't want to unload her worries about you onto you IYSWIM but your aunt has no business taking offense and suddenly making it All About Her. It's your fanjo and your feelings which matter right now.
(BTW this is quite probably something called a Bartholin's Cyst which is harmless, hopefully all will be well soon).

2rebecca · 08/12/2009 23:51

That is awful, although I've never discussed anything personal health wise with my parents, probably would if it was serious, but trips to breast clinic that turned out to be nothing much, lump removed that was also nothing much are things I prefer to keep to myself rather than have family worrying over false alarms.
If I had discussed it with my mum I'd expect her to keep schtum though and do not see my personal health as a subject for family gossip.
Relatives often ask me medical stuff as I work in the health field, don't even discuss this with my husband though.
In future just tell your partner and leave the other rellies out of it as they can't be trusted.
Aunt is just being nosey.

Original poster
susia · 08/12/2009 23:58

I think my aunt was being concerned but it is her taking offense which has really upset me - the way she has made it about her. The trouble is I have to work late tomorrow and my mum is picking my son up from school and we are having to stay over at my parents. I wish I didn't have to but I have no other option.

When I had the row with my mum just now she made me feel really guilty saying she felt ill, would be up all night not able to sleep etc...

If she had simply said sorry and my aunt hadn't hung up on me none of this would have happened.

OP posts:
BackUpYourPhotosNow · 09/12/2009 00:05

Susia, yanbu, your Aunt is. End of story. This sort of thing happens in my family too, obviously not this exact situation, but this type of scenario. Your Aunt is making this about herself when actually it should be about you. She has no right to expect you to confide in her about something so personal and sensitive. I am sorry that this has happened to you, both the cyst in the 1st place and the unwarranted interfeerance from your aunt which is just adding to your stress.

Hope you are feeling better and happier soon.

ps don't let your family corner you into it being your "fault" iykwim that auntie dear is so offended. She should be eating humble pie and apologising, not acting the ofended martyr.

BackUpYourPhotosNow · 09/12/2009 00:14

susia, are we related??? are you actually my sister?? if not we seem to have identical mothers!

This is EXACTLY the type of scenario that hapens in my family.

YOU and only YOU are the victim here!

not your mum and not your aunt! please point this out to your mum and your aunt. and do not feel guilty - don't you dare!

If she gets so upset by things that she can't sleep then she really ought to think a little harder before getting herself into situations like that. She is a grown up. She did cause this at the outset and your aunt has then made it worse and perpetuated it!

I've probably xed posts with about 10 people because i'm so cross on your behalf i keep hitting the wrong keys.

BackUpYourPhotosNow · 09/12/2009 01:10

btw, just in case you are wondering you are not my sister

toddlerama · 09/12/2009 01:17

"Your beaver, your business" has GOT to be up for quote of the week.

piprabbit · 09/12/2009 01:26

Could you send your aunt numerous and increasingly ridiculous text updates on your health?

text1: Today I am slightly constipated.
text2: Still no change - do you have any tips for me?
text3: Have eaten a large bowl of prunes - will keep you updated.
text4: Success! Somewhat compacted but such a relief.
text5: What do you mean. too much information?

Perhaps she'll get the idea that not everything needs to be shared.

confuddledDOTcom · 09/12/2009 01:35

LOL threads like this remind me why I love MN so much!!!

Seriously though... I'm a bit shocked that people have said "did you tell her not to say anything" because I would hope that my mother would know that I didn't want my privates discussed! I bet they wouldn't want theirs discussed and they would get upset if someone tried to keep them in conversation about their bits. Maybe you should try it

NotAnotherNewNappy · 09/12/2009 08:48

I'd be livid and it's just the sort of thing my mum would do. She also gets v agressive when she knows she's in the wrong and will never ever apologise. The more wrong she is the less likely it is that I'll get an apology. Your aunt sounds barmy. YANBU.

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