Sorry for not posting before. We moved on Weds, not into a new house but temporarily into my brother's flat two streets away. It is pretty cramped and we are all four in one small bedroom! But DH DID apologise for his behaviour, saying he had taken his mood out on me. He was also unnaturally nice / helpful to me the next day (guilt) when the movers turned up. Jeckyll & Hyde style. Guilt? Slight shame at overreacting and being a total drama queen about things?
YES houses don't get packed up light by light!
But our house exchanged today, so we can hopefully move in late Feb once some refurbishment work is done.
All our stuff is in storage, meanwhile.
What came out of the whole thing is that he is insecure and needs constant reassurance that EVERYTHING IS OKAY AND UNDER CONTROL (poss a result of having alchoholic Dad? - he thinks so...)
Should I therefore indulge this by constantly trying to prevent him from the uglier aspects of young kids?
Very sensible idea for me to go back to work 1/2 days a week, agreed. Might force him to actually take on a bit more responsibility and as a result be more human about it all.
Other thing that came out of move was that he intentionally creates situations involving hard work because this is a re-enactment of his childhood. IE - try to prove oneself as shining martyr, a true grafter, a cut above other idle slackers...
Attempt to prove himself to his Dad?
The problem also comes from the fact that I have people-pleasing personality coupled with desperate fear of 'not being good enough' - both of which he can easily exploit. In the past I've probably almost invited it...
And the longer term reason that he does this is that it is all a way of avoiding facing up to the real truth that his Dad essentially rejected him by choosing booze and then sadly dying in his early 50's. He has never cried about this or complained - indeed he has always defended his father and his childhood as a happy one (bullshit - surely?). His reaction to his Dad's boozing (and Mum's) was to become the duty-bound son, which is understandably a role he has now come to deeply resent. So whenever a situation arises where he feels overburdened, he puts all the blame onto me for expecting him to be a workhorse all day long and night. This is inflated and exaggerated of course - marriage and small kids just IS a lot of work for everyone, as anyone can tell you.
Anyway, thanks very much for all the posts, I read them all and valued them a lot.
I don't hold him in contempt, I was just VERY angry with him. Of course he works hard - for us as well as for him, although I would like to quickly point out that I have contributed a lot towards the mortgage in the past and do not sit there spending his cash whilst complaining about him. I do all of my shopping in charity shops where I can and am really really conscious of not becoming some spoilt little wifey who takes her husband's credit card out for lunch. I only made the point about his 'high rolling' career because I was SPITTING with rage and wanted a heads up on whether, given his circs, his behaviour had been reasonable. I am sorry if it sounded as though I was trying to impress or bragging.
And thanks to everyone who suggested I take control a bit more and make sure I don't put up with any of his attempts to displace his own uncomfortable feelings by tearing into me.
I just hope we make it through.....sometimes I don't know if my soul can take it...already taking ADs but def learning to stand up for myself bit by bit.
Thanks to everybody! xxx