To feel upset that my husband doesn't appreciate my hard work?

[bigbadmom]

I've spent all day preparing for our house move tomorrow. I've been racing around sorting out bank transfers, buying bubble wrap, getting keys cut, packing box after box, wiping my 1 year old's nose and wiping my 3 year old's shit off the bathroom floor whilst 1 year old is pulling things OUT of the boxes I've just packed....
All pretty normal moving-house stuff.
DH is at work and has been since 7am. Pretty cushty job on St James's (Piccadilly), albeit probably slightly stressful and macho at times. But let's just say he manages to keep up with most of the national press in impressive detail.
I still haven't had a shower today, nor have I had time to put make up on.
I don't mind about any of these things, but when my husband comes home he firstly gets straight into the bath with the 3 year old. The 1 year old is already in bed. I ask if he might put said 3 year old to bed. He gets cross and says "I work hard all day and then I come home and am expected to do more"....also says "it would help if you knew how to pack boxes" (I haven't tucked the side flaps in correctly, it turns out) and starts banging about in "look at me having to correct my inept wife's mistakes" manner, throwing books to the floor etc and generally throwing his weight about in huge huff.
Hmm...he's come down...verdict please?

Thanks and sorry for ranting!

If someone called me inept I'd kick them in the balls.

Why would he want a box with all the lampshades together in one place? that doesn't make any sense! I know I'm missing the point here, but who packs like that??? Surely it's done room by room?

Sorry he was a tit today, but maybe you could get him to show you how to pack one box...and not really understand, so perhaps another....and then you didn't catch how he did the folding, just one more.....afterall, you obviously don't have his accomplishments. Perhaps it would be best left to the packing master? My DH thinks I can't cook, so does it all when he's home thinking he's Masterchef. He still hasn't twigged that we don't starve when he's away for days at a time....

Have I got this straight?

You have done nothing all day.

The stuff you haven't done has been done wrong.

He wanted to help do the stuff you haven't done and is p**d off because he has missed his chance because you have already not done it.

You have apologised for doing stuff wrong, and for not waiting to do said stuff as a couple (despite the fact you appear to have done nothing all day - see point 1).

If he keeps up this train of reasoning he is likely to disappear in a puff of confused thinking.

I'd recommend taking the DCs away for the weekend during the house move, and telling him you expect to return to find the new house in immaculate order, with special emphasis on the lighting arrangements - a job which he is obviously better equipped to achieve than you could ever be.

YANBU.

There is a risk that when you want to be nice to your husband and you work your arse off doing the home stuff while he is out of the house, your usband may come home and thinks things just got themselves that way. He hasn't seen you pack all those boxes, he didn't have to listen to your children whinging for attention while you did it. Therefore, he will appreciate all the work you've done (or your fabulous multi tasking skills) and thinks it's okay to nit pick.

I feel your pain.

I can only suggest division of tasks, so that it is obvious how much you've done compared to him. Say you've done the kitchen, let him get on with the bathroom. Or make him sit down and read a massive boring spreadsheet, with every single job that needs doing and your names next to it so he can see exactly what a lard arse he is compared to you.

I know, I know, it's easier to just get on and do it yourself. But if you don't rub their noses in it, they never learn.

I am really revolted by men who think of their children as just another domestic chore. Whingeing about having to put his own 3 year old to bed, just because he's been at work in the day.....hmm, what a great dad, how attractive, bet you have the utmost respect for him......

I'm with scottishmummy on this one. He can clearly afford to pay for a firm to come in and pack. And he expected you to do it, with 2 DCs in tow?

Let me give you an example from the real world. Me, my DH and my DS moved in August. My DH, like yours, has a posh office and earns well. So what was our plan?

Well, DH hired and paid for a firm to come and do all the packing on one day (while I "supervised" - that is, I gave them tea and biscuits whilst playing with DS). Then on the second day, the firm moved all the stuff. DH took the day off work, as (and I quote) "it wouldn't fair to let LittleOneMum have to deal with it all herself" - took me and DS for a nice lunch while the firm were shifting boxes and then spent the weekend with me helping to unpack. AND bought me a nice bottle of champagne for the first night in our new house.

THIS IS HOW IT SHOULD BE!!!!!!
(and yes I am boasting but at the same time, I wanted you to know that your man has been singularly unhelpful).

You need to learn to buy help, without even consulting your DH, when you require it and it is justified. You just tell him that you have too much to do and bought in some labour.

I am having lots of visitors over Christmas - mostly my family - and I had absolutely no problem organising to have a maid come in every morning for ten days over Christmas to do all the extra cleaning, ironing etc so that I will be able to concentrate on entertaining.

Tell him to fuck off and do it himself if he doesn't like it.

some of you love rattling your cage all this bash him,kick his clackers is totally inflated advice. You go sister aint no maaaaaan going to talk to you like that no no. hell thta doesnt resolve this

realistically,she can tell him to fuck off, whatever.wont get them moved will it. he wont give up day at work to pack cartons

she needs to get busy with the credit cards,sort out packers. take herself and kids to lunch

and both have a good look at the contempt they hold each other in. she obviously thinks he is a tit. the tit who pays the mortgage. he thinks she is wee wifey who does sweet fa all day

In our house the boxes would have all been unpacked and DH would be repacking them himself
I don't take criticism off someone who is not prepared to do the job themselves. If DH ever wants to criticise how I've done something he gets told very simply "do it yourself next time or shut the F up"

And just to clarify - I do most of the "doing" in our house as DH works considerably longer hours than me so I don't expect him to come home and wash floors or change beds after his average 70 hour week. But I also don't expect criticism on how I do things !

Well, yes he shouldn't have been so disparaging of your packing and yes, he should have out the 3 year old to bed no questions asked.

However, I do think that his job is probably more involved than you say and the fact you say "seeing his little ticker drop down a couple of points on his Bloomberg screen" is as patrinising as him saying pack lampshades together or whatev.

The fact is, his tickers on a bloomberg screen is probably a lot more stressful than you give credit for, fair enough he has a nice office in St James and obviously a 'high roller' (why you feel the need to elaborate on this I don't know, to impress us?) however the flipside of this is probably a lot of pressure. I think you need to give him the respect which you are so desperate to recieve for yourself.

Also, tbh I sit on my arse all day and have nice coffee on tap. However I do work my arse off and feel my brain is going to implode some days. I certainly wouldn't say my life is less 'hard work' than bringing up small children. Sometimes I get in from work and need 10 minutes to chill the hell out.

Agree with scottish mummy - best to get someone else to do it so that you can oversee. If DH has a problem, you need to tell him that you are happy for him to save the money and do it himself.

Also woudl be useful to list all the things you have done, and maybe get him to agree to unpack - he might get an appreciation of how much work is involved...?

yanbu re the comments he made, I would have been mad too. And it's not unreasonable to expect him to help out at bedtime but have to agree with getorfmoiland. You sound very disparaging of his job which at the end of the day facilitates your lifestyle whilst you do the also very important job of bringing up dcs and housework.

Dh is the main earner in our house at the mo due to me being on half pay (mat leave) and it's v stressful for him to have to be solely accountable for bills mortgage etc. If your dh feels a lack of respect from you he may be transferring that back iyswim?

As I said am on mat leave at mo with a 3 year old and 11 week old baby. Bloody hard work but my job was equally hard in terms of stress and busyness. Lunch breaks aren't always doable and also sometimes don't get a drink all day!!! Am fininding being at home with 2 little ones hard work in tersm of physical energy but less hard mentally.

And due to the nature of my work I need 20 mins or so of headspace when I get in without children in my face otherwise my head would explode.

"And due to the nature of my work I need 20 mins or so of headspace when I get in without children in my face otherwise my head would explode."

Such bullshit! What about the person who has already had children in her face for 12 hours of the day? When is her head allowed to explode?

that is were the partnership should be get in from work,shower 15-20min down time then take over from partner give them some space

and if anyone cant cope with 12h of their own children i suggest put them in nursery, get job/course then

Am not getting embroiled in who works harder, people at home or people at work.

Just find irony in the OP bleating that her husband doesn't appreciate the hard work she has put in in placing things in boxes, whilst she mocks his work as 'things moving on a screen' as if he spends all day playing super mario brothers.

You've got him marked down as a lazy git who ponces about all day at work reading the paper, he has got you down as a lazy git who spends all day at home with kids filling 5 boxes otr whatev.

I suspect the op doesn't actually think that badly about his job but is feeling upset and bitter about how hes talked about what she does (or doesnt do!?) so said that out of anger. I know its the kind of thing I would do on the few occasions that dh has acted in a similar pillock like way. Lucky fir me my good friend lives opposite so I can grab a baby and walk out rather than drowning him with one of the lamps

drowning crowning

bibbitybobbityhat I'm sorry you find my circumstance to be "bullshit" (charmingly put) but as one who'd been on both sides of the fence as it were (wohm who's now a sahm for a year) I'm posting on my own experiences/opinion.

After spending the day with my dcs I don't feel as frazzled and nerves frayed as I do sometimes with work (although sometimes I do). Giving up work long term for me isn't an option for us as we need my income to live the life we want to live. However I CAN chnage jobs to something less exasperating and am looking into options to achieve this. Difficult however as I need approx the same salary.

If myself or dh has had a particularly difficult day it's not unresonable for either of us to allow the other to have a few minutes head space. Then we are better equipped to deal with bedtimes/chores etc.

If being with your dcs comstantly makes you so stressed on a regular basis that your head feels like exploding then maybe you need to explore options re work and childcare. Maybe part time if poss so you can still have time with dcs.

DH has been redundant for 3 months and said his work life was easy compared to looking after a house and 2 kids! As you say paper on the train or 5 live in the car - coffee on tap, time to think from the end of one sentance to the other etc etc etc you know the drill! He said he rather have a day from hell at the office than spend all day with a whiny bossy ill 2 year old.

I went to the movies the other day at kids dinnertime, I left it for him to cook, feed, bath, homework and everything. He said jokingly with a look a sheer panic in his eyes 'please don't leave me!' I waltzed out anyway to watch New Moon, which was SWOON, amazing. He coped, but had only managed to eat a bowl of cereal as he was too tired to cook!

God Minx so patronising and snidey methinks you are the one with the issues!!

I have a fairly stressful high powered job, and luckily work part time, but my long days usually involve constant stressful mental work for 11 hours solid, maybe a coffee maybe lunch at my desk!

But honestly I do find it somewhat easier than being at home 24/7 with my DD's (who are lovely), but at work I CAN breath for a minute. go shit in peace (sometimes), eat lunch albeit at my desk, at home there is no where to hide . Yes if you have a supportive P and you both respect each others space and time to relax (hahaha) then thats great but certainly doesnt seem the case here (moaning about HAVING to put your 3 yr old to bed FFS its not an effing chore)!
These men who see caring/looking after/spending time with the children as a chore/a favour to the partner get right up my nose

Lol at go for a shit in peace. Can't do that in my office - the loos are filled with people constanstly mioaning about people and scheming.

Men who use the phrase 'But I've been at work all day' in response to ANY request from their DW, deserve a whack with a frying pan IMHO . My DH has said it quite a few times, and the conversations haven't ended well!