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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in thinking attending weddings is just blardy hard work?

86 replies

littlestmummystop · 07/12/2009 12:44

i've been to a few recently and am struck by how much hard graft the whole thing is from start to finish.

You journey for hours to the bride's hometown in god knows where. expected to book two nights accommodation, buy pricey present, standup, sitdown, wait around tired and hungry for hours.
You don't get to choose what you want to eat, drink or people you sit next to.

many guests don't know hardly anyone else and it all gets so expensive (good £300 per big do these days)

im happy for friends who've found love and want to see them get hitched but all the boring hours bar the vows and party I find tedious and ive started to dread invites..

AIBU?

OP posts:
Metella · 07/12/2009 14:08

I agree emsyj - the most relaxed weddings are the best ones!!

I can't stand weddings where everything must be "just so" and the guests are made to feel like extras in a film, hoping not to fluff their little walk-on part.

crankytwanky · 07/12/2009 14:16

YANBU. Sooo much bother. As pleased as I am for them, why should it cost me so chuffing much to celebrate their love?

And don't even get me started on Hen & Stag "weekends".

OrmIrian · 07/12/2009 14:19

Totally agree. But they can be quite fun too.

OtterInaSkoda · 07/12/2009 14:36

YANBU, although not all weddings are dreadful. FimbleHobbs has it spot on when she talks about the best weddings being those where the B & G actually take time to consider their guests as opposed to treating them like extras in a film (good description, Metella!).
Some of the (most perhaps) threads on boards like You and Your Wedding are hilarious - there's this awful "it's your day" (or more like "its ur day hun") mantra forever used to justify all sorts of utterly unreasonable demands on guests.
I feel that the family/community element of weddings has been forgotten by many couples, tbh.

Georgimama · 07/12/2009 14:40

Fortunately my circle of friends is small and my family smaller these days, so I don't get invited to weddings where I am basically there to make the numbers up to 200+ to make the bride and groom feel popular and significant. The only weddings I have been to as an adult were my own, my brothers' and those of 3 very very good friends who had weddings like mine. Next year I have my cousin's and my neice's and both will be lovely. YANBU if the weddings are as you describe - I wouldn't go either.

OrmIrian · 07/12/2009 14:40

Agree otter. People are there to witness a marriage, not to witness conspicuous consumption in the best possible taste.

Bonsoir · 07/12/2009 14:40

One of the best weddings I went to was in Greece - lots of the guests were there for several days and we spent lots of time on the beach before and afterwards. The bride was Greek Orthodox, so the ceremony was culturally interesting too.

Mishy1234 · 07/12/2009 14:45

I agree that some weddings can be tedious, but I think it really depends on how well you know the bride/groom. I hate going to just the evening do, as you arrive half way through the party!

However, I really enjoy going to weddings and still remember each one and what I enjoyed about them. The best wedding I've been to was where the reception was in a church hall and we all were there the day before to help do the flowers and decorate the venue. It really made us feel part of the day.

So, YANBU to feel some weddings can be quite hard work!

BlingLoving · 07/12/2009 14:53

YABU. If it's that much "graft" then neither you, nor your friends, are doing it right. Everyone's been to one wedding which is boring or perhaps a bit but it's not the default setting. I really hope that no one like you attended my wedding. And I'm glad that I've never had to sit next to anyone like you at a wedding either. Weddings should be about the bride and groom, and yes, it's always more fun if they've actually thought about their guests and planned accordingly, but sometimes that's not their vision. I am touched every single time I am invited to a wedding that someone wants me to share their day with them. I am also sensible - if it's too far away or too expensive or too much committment, I say a polite, "thank you but I'm afraid we can't make it".

Clary · 07/12/2009 15:00

Yeah what a PITA they are.

Soooooo glad I no longer seem to go to any! (everyone I know is married now maybe). I think I am just getting old and grumpy tho as I used to like them.

BTW I had a lovely wedding - at least I thought so. And I was amnazingly grateful to all the friends who schlepped over to Lincolnshire to be there with us

noddyholder · 07/12/2009 15:03

I don't like them either and use any excuse not to go.Most of the ones I have been to have ended up divorced

Pikelit · 07/12/2009 15:04

What bothers me is the gradual decline from "wedding" into "circus". All the best weddings I've been to involved convivial people who'd (quite reasonably) been allowed to make most of their own entertainment after the formal ceremony. Good, but not overly pretentious, food, a laid back atmosphere and some simple entertainment. There's absolutely no need for a caricaturist, chocolate fountain (£500+ for something that looks like an animated sewage works, conjurer or 2 whole hours spent taking snaps.

It's all got horrendously Out of Hand.

MillyMollyMoo · 07/12/2009 15:06

I think mine was a bit crap in retrospect, the photographer took over the entire day, everyone was starving and the food was ruined.
But I did try so hard to get it right, but i think a lot of people loose sight of what makes a good day.

Original poster
littlestmummystop · 07/12/2009 15:07

Ah Blingloving am guessing your big day was rather bling!

''Weddings should be about the bride and groom, and yes, it's always more fun if they've actually thought about their guests and planned accordingly, but sometimes that's not their vision. '''

Well if their guests don't count then I don't wanna go!

actually best bit about boring weddings is talking to people you don't know and finding a new friend..

You can only feel 'pleased' for the happy couple for so long with hurting feet, food you don't want to eat, trying to keep kids quiet etc. IME big weddings ARE tiring boring and expensive and invites should come with a warning !

OP posts:
MillyMollyMoo · 07/12/2009 15:07

On the other hand though you do tend to find 2nd weddings/marriages are very chilled affairs, mainly cos people have no cash left after the divorce.

Pikelit · 07/12/2009 15:10

It's probably not a help at the time but often, the things that go wrong make a wedding far more entertaining! I still remember my cousin-in-law (she was as popular as me in the extended family of in laws) pulling the lavvy cistern of the wall just as we left the MOB's house for the wedding. That and a thunderstorm which plunged everything into darkness at the church made for the best wedding that any of my ex-husband's tiresomely dull family ever put on.

Mistletoesnowman · 07/12/2009 15:15

I love weddings and have been to some great ones over the years. It's usually a good excuse to catch up with some people and have a good dance.

I did hear about one a friend went to recently where they ran out of food before the last table were served. The bride was mortified and the guests most peeved as they'd been sat around for quite a while waiting for the food.

My wedding was very relaxed and low key - only 10 people including me, DH and the kids. It was in New York so we weren't actually expecting anyone to bother coming but we had such a great time with the 6 who did and we were overwhelmed that they made the effort.

MamaLazarou · 07/12/2009 15:18

YABU

I adore weddings. A big public declaration of love, followed by a slap-up dinner and a knees-up. Smashing.

If a wedding was too far away / expensive / faffy to get to, I would decline the invitation.

DH's best friend is getting married in 2011 and I'm already getting excited about it.

GoGoHamsterofDeath · 07/12/2009 15:20

i like weddings too. went to a child free one in the summer it was fantastic.

ps re. 'My cousin is getting married in ireland next year and it will cost us the same as going abroad' that'll be because you are going abroad!

Maize · 07/12/2009 15:30

I feel quite at these threads. First off all should the wedding really not be about the bride and groom. On mumsnet people are forever slagging off weddings where the guest is not the center of the day. Obviously guests should be considered but surely at some point if you are inviting 100 people you can only please so many people and some of that should include yourself?

I had a wedding in a hotel because it was a gorgeous hotel and they organised it all for me. Not to inconvenience people!

Also I hope my guests did not slag off all my efforts for my wedding which was (so far!) the happiest day off my life because I felt so surrounded by those I loved and who loved me. Makes me that according to these threads actually my guests did not enjoy themselves and were just bitching about having to travel and my colour scheme. Didn't feel like that on the day mind.

Weddings are expensive and we don't have a lot so when we get invited we put a bit of money away every month to help pay.

Georgimama · 07/12/2009 15:46

It depends Maize. If your guests were genuinely your dearest friends and family then there is no reason why they should have felt remotely as some of us describe. If you had a cast of thousands to give your wedding that OK! feel, then some of them probably did.

StewieGriffinsMom · 07/12/2009 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MummyDoIt · 07/12/2009 16:33

YANBU - that's why ours was very low-key. We had a lunch-time ceremony followed by lunch in a restaurant so people could travel home afterwards if they wanted and not have the expense of a hotel. As we were in a restaurant, we gave people a choice for their meal. We didn't ask for gifts. For anyone who wanted to stay over, we had everyone over to our house for drinks and ordered pizza when we got hungry. Everyone said it was one of the best weddings they'd been to.

Docbunches · 07/12/2009 17:26

Mistletoesnowman - that has happened to me when I was unlucky in being one of the last people served at a wedding once and there was no food left. Not only that, the caterers made no attempt to give us anything, saying it hadn't been budgetted for - I think I ended up with one broccoli floret! We had a good laugh about it later... but to this day, I didn't tell the bride, a good friend, as it would have ruined her day.

I have also been to some fab weddings but they have tended to be the more low-key affairs.

Spectroscopy · 07/12/2009 17:46

YANBU!
I have been married twice and I can definately report that I was MUCH more aware of things from the guests point of view with wedding #2!
I only had close family and very close friends (23 inc us), got married at 5 pm (so it only required one overnight and next to no waiting around), had informal photos during the champagne reception immediately afterwards, we paid for the accomodation for everyone, strictly no presents, no speeches, no set meal (chose off a lovely menu), we paid for ALL the drinks. We had a fab time! It still cost way less than the average wedding. I look back at my first wedding and CRINGE!