Another wedding situation!

[MummyDoIt]

A family member is getting married. My invitation came addressed to just me but I was assured it meant the DSs as well so I accepted for all of us. A short while later, it was suggested I'd have more fun if I left the DSs with someone else and went alone. I probably would but they don't want me to leave them overnight so I stuck with the original plan to take them. Another family member has now told me that the bride has banned children from the wedding as she wants the ceremony to be completely quiet.

The ban does not include my DSs but I get the distinct impression that they will be there under sufference. To be honest, I'd have preferred it if the bride had just come out and said no children in which case I'd have politely declined the invitation. Now I will be on edge all through the ceremony in case the boys make a sound. AIBU to wish people would only invite children if they are really welcome?

That's really annoying! Why did she say it was okay for the dcs to come if it wasn't?

Are you going to decline now?

Is it a civil ceremony? Is the wedding far away?

If it were me, I would try to have someone look after them for the duration of the ceremony. Civil ceremonies are really short.

How old are your DC? I can't think of anything worse than trying to keep my 15 mo occupied/quiet (and I do think it's good manners to keep the noise down during someone else's ceremony) so I would never take her to a wedding.

I'm with you on this one. We have a wedding invite and along with it are these terrible verses about what to wear at the wedding etc
The one about children says no noise in the church, no noise during the speechs and if you want to be wined and dined in style hire a babysitter. We are travelling from london to yorkshire for the wedding and if the dcs are welcome all well and good but the tone of the invite is yes bring them but they are not to make a noise or disturb any part of it.
It would be easier if they wren't invited and then I could refuse the invite.

no yanbu and it's a tricky situaton

Is the other family member sticking their beak in? I think if the people who are actually getting married haven't said anything, then your children are welcome.

It's a four hour drive away so we're having to stay overnight, hence leaving them with someone else is not an option. They are five and seven so not babies and are pretty well-behaved (normally!). I can't really decline now as they've given final numbers and paid for the reception, plus I've booked our hotel room and it's non-refundable. We have to go but I will just feel really awkward all day.

YANBU

Is it possible for you to have a word with the bride and find d out from the horses mouth, so to speak whether or not she is happy to have children there?

If she says she'd prefer child free then you can gracefully bow out with no one being upset. Or you could suggest you and yours come after the ceremony to the meal and reception maybe?

I'm sure your dc will fine. Borrow a ds or 2 and have them on silent in case they get bored?

andiem - bet that makes you feel welcome!!

I would have thought well behaved 5 and 7 yr olds would be fine.

If she hasn't said anything I honestly wouldn't worry about it.

I would send another RSVP and say you are not able to go as you have no childcare and leave it at that.

It's up to the bride/parents/happy couple to decide who they want to invite.

If you don't like it, then don't go. Simple.

tbh stealth the invite was so awful with all these verses about not wearing jeans etc and then the children's verse I didn't know whether to boak or laugh when it came
god knows where they got them from I can't imagine sitting there making them all up

Ah, just seen your response.

I'd imagine your sons could probably sit quietly through a 1/2 hr ceremony then you're home free as they'll almost definately be better behaved than a bunch of pissed adults later on!

(I'm sure you have impeccably behaved and beautifully mannered ds's btw!)

Andiem: I'd be tempted to refuse the invite anyway and save myself the awful nightmare of it all!

Maybe the bride and groom know lots of people with toddlers/babies and it's them that she doesn't want in the ceremony?

And the message has got lost in translation?

I would phone the bride and talk to her abot it I think if I were in your shoes.

Andiem - you need to post some of those verses!

I don't think the bride would speak to me directly. She's much more likely to get someone else to drop hints which is what I think has happened. However, as I haven't directly been told not to take them, they will be there. The DS is a good idea for DS1. DS2 will probably be happy with some colouring. That should keep them quiet and occupied and it is a civil ceremony so hopefully not too long.

I'd go with your plan to ignore any hints which have been dropped and take the boys as invited. I can't understand why modern brides seem intent on casuing sunch confusion over kids - the number of threads about minds being changed, kids un invited are staggering.

YY Andiem - post the verses!

MummyDoIt - I kept ds2 amused with a bag full of colouring books at one wedding!

civil ceremony at a registry office is 15 minutes tops!

Hello andiem, long time no see

You have to post the verses!

MummyDoIt - presumably your boys sit quietly in school assembly - I am sure they would be fine just sat there whilst the ceremony is taking place. My kids are not that old yet, but I have easily kept my nearly 4yo quiet during a wedding.

However, I'd be pissed off that my children were not welcome so I would not go. People can invite us all or if they don't, we just won't go (we will politely decline, not make a scene over it!).

I had an invite for when my DC2 was a few days old - no kids!!

did she actually invite your children?
Sounds like the invitation didnt include them but you presumed they were invited even so.
Now you hear otherwise and are annoyed at her changing her mind.
Perhaps she always meant only to invite you and is slightly annoyed that you accepted on behalf of the DCs when they werent invited?

I'd call her and say you have just realised they werent on the original invitation and may have accepted for you all in error.
If its a child free wedding then you will have to say sorry, you cant attend.
That will give her the option to either say 'ok, thanks' OR 'oh no, thats fine, you are family so your kids are welcome too'

I wouldnt just turn up with them though, to a no children wedding when they werent invited and only are going due to a misunderstanding!

right here are 2
if your children are invited then the only thing we preach
is they stay quiet whilst at the church and during the best man's speech
and if you are hoping to relax whilst you are wined and dined to stay up late and celebrate a babysitter you should find

its the day we're getting married and it's a lovely posh do
we have got our outfits sorted so now it's down to you
hats and black ties are not essential but wear some dapper get up
so please no trainers or baggy jeans or t shirts stained with ketchup

there are 4 more but I daren't post any in case I'm outed!