Another wedding situation!

[MummyDoIt]

A family member is getting married. My invitation came addressed to just me but I was assured it meant the DSs as well so I accepted for all of us. A short while later, it was suggested I'd have more fun if I left the DSs with someone else and went alone. I probably would but they don't want me to leave them overnight so I stuck with the original plan to take them. Another family member has now told me that the bride has banned children from the wedding as she wants the ceremony to be completely quiet.

The ban does not include my DSs but I get the distinct impression that they will be there under sufference. To be honest, I'd have preferred it if the bride had just come out and said no children in which case I'd have politely declined the invitation. Now I will be on edge all through the ceremony in case the boys make a sound. AIBU to wish people would only invite children if they are really welcome?

I am all for the big family dos with children falling asleep under the table in general principle- but I have to say, if I got an invitation to a party addressed to me alone, I would not feel I had the right to insist on bringing anybody else, particularly not two children who are old enough to require their own seating (at more cost to the bride). Any more than I would insist that a party invitation issued to dd had to include me, or little brother, or anybody else. People are allowed to invite the people they want- and unless you are breastfeeding, there is no reason you have to go everywhere as a family. Of course if it is inconvenient to you, you are fully within your rights to turn the invitation down. But you can hardly insist on revising her guest list.

It seems like the fault lies with the bride's mother, trying to second-guess her daughter. I would definitely press the bride for an answer here.

Lexi - love the sound of vintage oscar night glamour for your dress code... did you really say no meals for any kids brought along though? will they have to bring a packed lunch and eat on the floor next to the tables?? or did you mean no special meals different to what you are providing for everybody else?

andiem - if you don't feel welcome, don't go!

I'm sure there are people out their who will think those verses cute

If you thow a party you are entitled to have it your way - the only polite response from those invited is to accept or decline. Not be outraged at the wording of the invite, or who has been included.

My take on this is that if the bride and groom did not want children there on their wedding day they should have made it clear in the invitation. By not doing so they have just confused the situation and upset everyone. At the end of the day, it is THEIR wedding day and I would not be so childish as to not go, just see if you can find a babysitter for the day and leave early. The bride will be really upset if you do not go, you can always have a chat about it afterwards but I think we all need to try to remember how stressful weddings are for the brides!

I do think they made it clear in the invitation by including only Mummydoit's name. That is standard etiquette for invitations even if not everyone follows it.

It seems that the bride's mother has a few wires crossed though in regards to her daughter's wishes.

whoever assured you that your DSses were included when they weren't named on the invitation was wrong, but it is generally accepted, is it not, that if your name is not on teh invite you\re not invited?

if everyone suddenly decided,well , my children /partner/mum can come coz they obviously meant to invite them, then tyou've suddenly got a lot more guests

you need to speak directly to the bride, and if she says no children, that means no children and it is a shame someone confused the issue

you're children weren't invited, you can't just decide to take them

andiem - those verses are truly

Nice to hear they're having a posh do though

The kids will probably be quiet during the ceremony bit, and if they are getting bored by the time the speeches start you can always slope off to the bar or somewhere out of the way so they can let off a little steam. Sure most of the other guests would like to see them if it's a family doo.

YANBU my kids were bridesmaids at a wedding where there were no other children and we were asked to make sure they were silent all day - the youngest was one it was hideous.

if your childrens names are not on the invite, then they are not invited

check with the bride, but i would assume (and hope) that 2 children of 5+7 can sit quietly and behave during the wedding vows (just as they would at school assembly/lessons)

The bride's mother and the bride apparently had a long discussion about whether children's names should be included on the invitation and also whether single guests should have 'plus one' or 'plus guests' added. They opted not to put children's names as only children of close family are invited anyway and we are meant to assume it includes them. I checked this when the invitation arrived. I was also told I could take a guest if I wished, even though the invitation did not say so. The bride also advised me to book the hotel early as they have limited family rooms so clearly she was expecting my DSs to stay overnight with me.

However, the number of people saying no name on invitation means not invited is making me wonder. I think I will double-check just to make sure she hasn't changed her mind!

allaboutme - no we're not that mean! children are getting a place setting and will be welcome to a serving of adult food, and we've arranged high chairs for under-2s. Most of the children of our friends and rellies are coming - of those that aren't, one is because her parents will have a better time not having to go early for her bedtime, and the other one tends to be disruptive and even the parents can see it (!). And we're having a tea party mini-reception before the ceremony which some more of the family types are coming to, and not coming at all to the evening do.

In terms of etiquette, I don't think there is a right answer to the OP's situation - I think you can be subtle in how you address invitations. You can write "John and Sarah Bloggs and family" or you can write "John and Sarah Bloggs" and mention in the accompanying notes that you very much welcome children, or you can't promise any special treatment for children, or you would rather children didn't come. But the point is you (bride, groom, B/G's parents, whoever's organising/paying for it) must be clear when asked directly, and not change your mind. Personally I would never outright ban children even if I didn't want them to come - I'd highlight why it's not going to be their sort of do, that's all.

This kids at weddings problem didn't start with bridezillas, it started with adults who can't get their children to stay quiet for a while or who are oblivious to the irritation it causes and don't take them outside when they're making a noise. It is not ever really the littlies' fault.

agree with you Lexi. During the ceremony and during the speeches are the only times in the day when parents need to bestir themselves to either entertain their children quietly, or take them out if this is impossible. It is just rude and lazy to let them run around the room screeching during the speeches, as I saw the last time I went to a wedding.