...to not want people to be rude when you ask for advice. People on MN basically.

[Brunettelady]

Like the title says. I have posted and read many comments that are very very rude on here when people are just asking for a bit of advice. I wouldn't talk to people like it in RL so why do people do it on here? Are they really that rude or feel they can say it as no one knows who they are?

Ok so some posts maybe a but daft but there is no need to say some of the comments that I have read.

Moderation's out for legal reasons IIRC - very dangerous for MN and for the mods.

Back in ye olden days when it were all fields round 'ere we had mods but MN's too big these days. And when a certain precious parenting guru threw her toys out of the pram, it became clear that having mods puts you at more risk of having to pay off any disgruntled type who thinks no-one should ever be able to say anything that isn't terribly flattering.

Yeah I know Edam (I first joined in 2001, so beleive me I do PMSL).

but I still wonder what the wider effects are of these things. Iperhaps think there might be a case for a critical deletion facility- say if a certain number of people report a post outside MNHQ hours then it might just go.

Might have helped the toher day (someone called my boys genetically flawed ansd said I was jealous becuase I ahd imperfect kids)- laods of people reported.

I dunno,I don't have answers but I can visualise there being big probs one day.

yeah, you were here when it was all virgin forest let alone fields, I know!

Didn't see that thread, thankfully, sounds appalling. Am tempted to wish a dose of necrotizing fasciitis on them, retro-stylie.

PMSL

I often miss kick off though through being rarely here at night (thank God!), and as such wonder if some reallt nasty things do take longer to deal with.... more drunks / lunatics / bored schoolboys around then?

I don't like moderation. It makes martyrs out of feckwits. The worst message boards have a heavy reliance on moderation and the discussions mainly revolve around so-called "freedom of speech". Of which there is often a misunderstood assumption that the condition exists.

I don't think MN is a nasty, bullying place but I do think it is realistic. For sure it isn't suffused with that horrendous hugginess that suffocates so many internet forums. Upon which one can often see quite dreadful intimidation if you read between the txt spk and >

Pikelit, Mn is realistic, really ? what representative of RL? No. I don't think so. I love Mn, but representative of RL ? I think not.
This is a parenting website. we argue it all to the death. Not normal.

Re original poster.

I am quite new.

Yes I have had some blunt/rude replies to my posts, but generally only in ' Am I being unreasonable ' forum.

I suppose the title says it all really, get ready for the truth !

Pregnancy forum is much more socialiably-kind.

I told my DP that it's scary here, but I like the honesty and vast majority of opinions.

I actually haven't had any rudeness directed my way...except for the time someone told me to quit being such a di*k because I admitted that I want to scream at my toddler sometimes. PMSL!

On the other hand, I'm very very hard to offend.

I find myself feeling rude when I can see that any advice given is being completely discounted, and people are pouring effort into sorting out a situation whilst the OP is refusing to implement any of it.

Or if the OP has asked if she is being unreasonable and, after being informed that she is being unreasonable, then either dripfeeds the rest of the information explaining why she isn't being unreasonable, or simply shrieks "I am not, how could you think such a thing!!???"

People who denigrate a large section of society with wittering about their choices make me feel very rude ("AIBU not to let Ds1 go to a birthday party on a council estate?"), ditto people who ask what really should be obvious ("AIBU to give ds1 some dinner tonight even though my husband said he doesn't need any because he had a big breakfast and has been cheeky all day?")

People who ignore the fact that their partner is abusing/mistreating their children make me feel very rude ("DS1 says he hates his dad - his dad makes him stay in his bedroom unless he's at school")

Ignorance makes me react rudely. Passive-aggressive behavior makes me react rudely ("oh colditz, don't swear, it upsets me, I feel bullied, colditz, you're a bully!!").

I'm quite rude in general though. But hey, at least I do usually try to help. I am very rarely unconstructively rude.

Cheerful Yank you joined in february this year..... it will happen PMSL.

Colditz I don't find you rude tbh, straight talking but that's OK.

I mostly agree with your list but the other day was a targetted attack on the boys which is bound to upset at after midnight (or thereabouts). I use upset loosely though.

When I first came over from the other side I was occasionally a bit puzzled as to why people were ccasionally rude/ blunt but I soon realised that it may have been the topics I was asking about (breastfeeding/schooling/working mums). I realise now that these topics raise heckled from the very outset, whatever the enquiry, so it is wise to be robust if you ask about them!
Sometimes I need the bluntness- saves ne from thinking I am right all of the time!

Have just returned to this very reasonable and polite thread about rudeness, from one of the most vituperative I've seen on MN (in primary education of all places!)

Some rudeness on MN riles me, as I said before, but actually I think that it is MN's lack of fluffiness that draws people in. It stops the site becoming a clique. I imagine I'm not the only person who would find it strange to make their early posts full of hugs and gushing for people they don't 'know' even in cyber space. On the other hand, weighing into a complete free-for-all where the OP is saying obviously outrageous things is surprisingly easy - and addictive

Not so much rudeness but I do think it is a little unfair when someone posts on a topic that has been done before and people who have been on MN for years type "yawn" and try to close the discussion down. Obviously new posters come in all the time and want to have their discussion on the topics - even if it has all been said before in an old thread buried back in the archive! If you're an old hand and have been there done that, then perhaps you could move to a different discussion and leave the newbies to it.

Some very interesting points on here. I realise that I take things a bit too much to heart sometimes but that is the way I am.

I do like the polite helpful advice. Someone here said how people forget them (can't remember name) but I really appreciate it when people try to help, which I do recognise that the majority of mums on here do.

Had first troll experience the other night. Was truely shocked how someone could actually be like that and think that was fun!

I am fairly new on here so I need to get into the 'flow of AIBU' and not let answers I don't particularly like bother me. Unless it is very rude, then I will say. I do like these threads though, some of them give me a good laugh.

I agree that non fluffiness is important

If I ran MNHQ (and I know I do not) I wuld do whata friend does with his website and have a 24 hour lapse betweennregistering and first post to screen out bored schoolkids and drunk people. I don't think it'd ahve a massive issue for newbies-peoplerarely come straight in with serious issues,they suually lurk or can wait a day.

But atm the status quo is usually fine, will be interesting to see how it pans out longer term as MN becomesmore mainstream.

Have found this thread interesting. I stumbled on MN quite accidentally about 3 months ago and have become a little addicted. I have very mixed feelings - on the one hand I have been amazed at the compassion and caring that people have for one another and how they are able to "reach out" to complete strangers. some of the r/ship threads upset me a lot, as I feel so sorry for young mothers having such stressful times with awful men etc.

Interestingly I have received more derogatory comments and personal insults in the last 3 months since using MN than I have received in the preceeding 65 years!! What conclusions to draw from that? I think without doubt I have brought a lot of it on myself as I am much much more direct and outspoken on the internet than in RL. Also and I know this sounds strange, but because I can type fast (learned many many years ago) my thoughts sort of run away with me and I tap away without realising how I am coming across. There will be people on here who will "recognise" me and be nodding their heads I'm sure!

However I have also received lots of compliments for my posts on R/ship threads, mental health threads and step-parenting threads. The ones that have landed me in hot water have been MIL threads (as I am one of those!) and social worker threads (as I am also one of those!) I should keep away from them (and I am trying) but they are so much more interesting that stuff about what to feed the toddler and what sort of pram to get etc.

I've noticed on the r/ship threads that if someone complains about a P or H there are numerous posts advising she "gets out - now" and I know that many on these threads recognise the behaviour traits of abusive men and are trying to save the OP a lot of heartache, but then the OP is sometimes scared off and even comes back saying that things are OK really etc etc. I think a lot of people (me included probably) make assumptions about something based on a few lines of text and that maybe isn't helpful.

Must stop because my posts are always long and I've been criticised for that too.

NanaNina I always like your posts, in my head you are the Voice of the Good MIL, please don't stay away from them.

Hey Nina, sorry to hijack, but you once wrote something that made me rethink how I react to my MIL. I found it very interesting to hear from "the other side"!! Please keep posting.

I know that I have a different quality control in my head for AIBU. I think I tend to assume that will be a gloves off kind of conversation - which is perhaps unreasonable when new posters may not get that.
Perhaps MN should make the AIBU note a bit clearer
'please bear in mind that it is likely that YABU and in explaining this many posters may call you a twat or a tosser. This is unlikely to be personal. Unless you actually are a twat or a tosser'

I am going to try and be nicer. Its a christmas new year kind of thing.

Nananina - I agree with you totally about the r'ship threads. I get so fed up with someone saying, for example, that their DH doesn't do enough housework, and then everyone jumps on the poor OP saying that she should leave the tosser, and that she obviously has low self-esteem, and is this related to issues with her parents etc etc etc. The OP then disappears, probably into a pit of despair, wondering how she went from being upset about the ironing to thinking that maybe her marriage is over!!!

I get quite frustrated with the "dump the bastard" responses to almost everything.

I do in general agree with you, but i also think that sometimes it's good to get that independant -your being an arse- type response that you wouldn't get from your loved ones for fear of upsetting you

It may be that I should have qualified "realistic" by adding "so far as talking to invisible people on the internet is concerned"!

Because of course MN isn't RL. How can it be? But there's a more realistic TONE to many MN discussions when compared with the fluffy "read n' run, hun" sort of stuff that pervades so many forums and that's the point I didn't make very well.

AIBU is a curates egg.some really mental posts that are risible.i love when they get humphy and name check every affirmative post and argue with everyone else who has temerity to disagree

having said that some responses are barking and way ott

my dp looked at me funny tonight. met with squawks of Dump the bastard/change the locks/leave him/call womens aid/that is nearly assault.giving somebody the fish eye in a built up area - bloody men

or

my MIL wants to look at the new baby. shrieks of that is controlling undermining how very dare she the ole moo.just because she drove all night to see her only grandchild doesn't give her rights

but i love AIBU

People are rude sometimes BUT I have to say I have only really seen this i AIBU. I know today I posted a stupid post about midwife and got some fairly blunt comments whcih sort of put it in perspective and made me realise how stupid I was being - I think I was focusing on one thing rather than the rest of my totally rubbish day lol.

I oftne wonder why people post some of the more "cry for help" type topics in am I being unreasonable as there are plenty of slightly less scary(!) forums to post on!

i don't want to comment on the op lol, but can i just say that solidgold's 'virtual kick up the twinkle' comment has made my day