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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wish that my MIL wouldn't call so early on my husband's birthday?

65 replies

chaya5738 · 04/12/2009 09:45

Every year on my husband's birthday his mother calls at the crack of dawn (ie: 6 or 7am) to wish him happy birthday. They then spend about 15-20 minutes on the phone while he opens his gift from them, ooohs and aaaahs, and catches up on gossip. This inevitably means that EVERY year she is the first person to wish him a happy birthday and by the time he has got through the phone call with her the moment has sort of deflated a bit. And then his sister will call and it will be the same thing again. By the time he gets off the phone he only has a few minutes left before he has to get ready for work.

I have mentioned this to him and he replies that that is just how it is done in his family - they love being the first to call. My feeling is that that was all very well when they were his nuclear family and he was at boarding school but now we are his nuclear family and we should be the first ones to wish him happy birthday. It is tricky to raise this with him as I don't want to ruin his birthday by having a fight. We had a terrible fight one year about it and I don't want a repeat. I have thought about raising it the night before - saying that would be mind letting us be the first to wish him happy birthday - but each year, like a fool, I hope that maybe his mum will be a bit more considerate and not steal the moment from me.

I have had to resort to getting up earlier and earlier (and inevitably waking him up earlier and earlier) to beat them to it. I have thought about turning the phone off but feel like that would be deceitful.

This year was the first year that we have a daughter together and I got up early to make him breakfast and put her in her "I Love Daddy" t-shirt. Just as we are going through to wake him the phone rings - it is his Mum. I asked him not to answer, and he didn't, but then he made sure he called them back as soon as he had opened his presents from us and then spent the rest of the morning on the phone.

In fairness, I should point out that his family all live overseas so they don't catch up a whole lot (although they do talk on the phone 1-2 times a week). There is a 12 hour time difference between here and there so they could wait a little later to call or alternatively call in the evening or when he is at work.

So what do you say girls? Am I being unreasonable, petty, or jealous to expect them not to call so early or at least make their phone calls short so we can actually enjoy the birthday morning together as a family?

OP posts:
saadia · 04/12/2009 09:48

sorry but YABVU - they are still his family, they live miles away - you live with him I don't see why you regard it as a competition.

ninedragons · 04/12/2009 09:50

In the gentlest possible way, I do think you are making a big deal about nothing.

Remember how you felt when your DD was born? Your MIL is remembering that moment, thinking on this day X years ago, I fell insanely in love with you in a second.

Let her have it; you have him for the rest of the year.

pagwatch · 04/12/2009 09:50

YABU

It is his birthday but the thread is all about you.

I would understand if he was trampling over DCs present to get to the phone but he isn't.

Yab a bit petty and focussing way too much on something that really doesn't matter.

Now our 3 DCs are older we actually do DHs presents in the vening. He has to leave for work early and we prefer to have a glass of fizz and let him take his time. DD also then gets to have made him a cake - so its not perfect by any means

Let it go. Its his birthday.It isn't a competition

Original poster
chaya5738 · 04/12/2009 09:51

But don't you think it is nice to be the first to wish someone happy birthday in the morning and have that moment together - the first birthday with your daughter? I guess maybe not.

Interesting to get other perspectives. Thanks.

OP posts:
kreecherlivesupstairs · 04/12/2009 09:51

AbitU. Why do you feel so threatened by it? He has chosen to spend his life with you and lives far away from his family. My MIL was a very controlling bitch woman, she loathed me and it was a mutual thing. I have such a vivid memory of her trying to beat me when giving out xmas presents one year, she knocked over the christmas tree in her haste to reach dh. A birthday comes once a year, you have the other 364 days with him and your dd is his focus. You'll make your own traditions with her, just make sure it isn't the early morning one.

honeynutloops · 04/12/2009 09:52

Agree with everyone else - YABU. As ninedragons said you have him for the rest of the year.

cumbria81 · 04/12/2009 09:52

YABU. They are his family, it's nice that they care so much.

TerryWogansCockandBaubles · 04/12/2009 09:52

Yes Selfish, childish, petty all of the above

It is his birthday not yours, if he wants to take phone calls from his mum at stupid oclock then he can

You will have the whole day with him, if they live overseas they wont get to see him

diddl · 04/12/2009 09:53

I think it´s quite nice tbh.

I can´t believe you want to compete to be first to say "happy birthday".

You are there and able to see him on his birthday-they aren´t!

Perhaps the calls could be shorter-but that´s down to your husband as much as his family.

As for asking him not to answer-I think that was horrible, and am for his mum that he didn´t tbh!

And if the calls really are too early-as in waking you all up, then your husband should mention that.

BendyBob · 04/12/2009 09:53

Oh blimey that would annoy me too. I don't think yabu at all!

Original poster
chaya5738 · 04/12/2009 09:53

I should also point out that his Mum DOES see it as a competition. Every year she says "So am I the FIRST!" I find that annoying but maybe I am being petty.

OP posts:
Geocentric · 04/12/2009 09:56

You can always tell mil "could you ring a little later as we like to have birthday sex first thing in the morning and its very offputing when the phone rings in the middle of it??" That might do the trick!!!!!

PrincessToadstool · 04/12/2009 09:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TerryWogansCockandBaubles · 04/12/2009 09:57

Well if his mum is seeing it as a competition then you need to rise above it, you both sound like you need to grow up

ninedragons · 04/12/2009 09:57

Well, look at it this way. Your DH and his family developed strategies for maintaining emotional closeness when he was young and at boarding school. Now they live in different countries, the strategies are still relevant.

I really can't see why it bothers you, but obviously it does.

But given your DH's refusal to bend to the way YOU think things ought to be, I think you can assume he is happy with the arrangement as it stands.

Original poster
chaya5738 · 04/12/2009 09:57

I should just point out that I don't have all day with him - he goes to work. And I do think there is something special about the birthday morning that is different from the rest of the day. I imagine our daughter will be quite excited about waking him up with his presents etc.

I agree that it is lovely of them to call and we get on very well as a family - I like them a lot. But I do think this is a little inconsiderate.

OP posts:
sunnydelight · 04/12/2009 09:58

Unreasonable and mean. If there's a 12 hour time difference then I'm guessing they're in Oz or NZ so it's not like they're landing on your doorstep for lunch every week - would it really kill you to be generous about something that is obviously important to your DH once a year? I really hope my kids never end up marrying someone like you!

BendyBob · 04/12/2009 09:58

6am though!

I think they need to give you a bit of space at that time of day.

diddl · 04/12/2009 09:59

Why do you think it is inconsiderate?

ZacharyQuack · 04/12/2009 09:59

YABU. Make the evening meal your special family birthday time. His mum gets 15 mins in the morning, you get the whole evening.

Make a special meal, a cake, candles etc if you want to make a fuss.

honeynutloops · 04/12/2009 10:01

You said that it is the first year with your daughter - how old is she? None of my dc's registered that a birthday was any different to every other day for a couple of years...

WilfSell · 04/12/2009 10:02

Is this for real?

Just fast-forward 25 years. It's your daughter's husband telling her not to answer the phone to you because he's a bit pouty and put out. And you only ever see her once in a blue moon because you live miles away. Does that feel good?

And they live overseas? Did it cross your mind that perhaps the time difference means it's the only time that works for them?

Get a grip.

pagwatch · 04/12/2009 10:02

"But don't you think it is nice to be the first to wish someone happy birthday in the morning and have that moment together - the first birthday with your daughter? I guess maybe not."

No. Honestly it doesn't matter.
I would rather be the one having a big kiss and watching his face as he opens the presents and kisses and hugs the kids than be the one having a quick phone call.

I would also be very happy to know that MY DH had a loving attentive family and be pleased for him that he gets all that focus and attention.

Why do you feel their is a pecking order for this? Its a little bit odd really. You seem to be treating this as a turf war which is really really childish.

Original poster
chaya5738 · 04/12/2009 10:03

Thanks everyone for the views! It is good to get some perspective!

At bit awful to insult the shirt I put my DD in especially since I didn't ask for views on it but whatever.

Thanks everyone!

Signing off now as need to go to work.

OP posts:
WilfSell · 04/12/2009 10:03

And you know what - it is exactly the kind of insecurity you are demonstrating here, that will mean you end up the kind of insecure MIL you are objecting to. Live and let live and don't feel jealous.