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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wish that my MIL wouldn't call so early on my husband's birthday?

65 replies

chaya5738 · 04/12/2009 09:45

Every year on my husband's birthday his mother calls at the crack of dawn (ie: 6 or 7am) to wish him happy birthday. They then spend about 15-20 minutes on the phone while he opens his gift from them, ooohs and aaaahs, and catches up on gossip. This inevitably means that EVERY year she is the first person to wish him a happy birthday and by the time he has got through the phone call with her the moment has sort of deflated a bit. And then his sister will call and it will be the same thing again. By the time he gets off the phone he only has a few minutes left before he has to get ready for work.

I have mentioned this to him and he replies that that is just how it is done in his family - they love being the first to call. My feeling is that that was all very well when they were his nuclear family and he was at boarding school but now we are his nuclear family and we should be the first ones to wish him happy birthday. It is tricky to raise this with him as I don't want to ruin his birthday by having a fight. We had a terrible fight one year about it and I don't want a repeat. I have thought about raising it the night before - saying that would be mind letting us be the first to wish him happy birthday - but each year, like a fool, I hope that maybe his mum will be a bit more considerate and not steal the moment from me.

I have had to resort to getting up earlier and earlier (and inevitably waking him up earlier and earlier) to beat them to it. I have thought about turning the phone off but feel like that would be deceitful.

This year was the first year that we have a daughter together and I got up early to make him breakfast and put her in her "I Love Daddy" t-shirt. Just as we are going through to wake him the phone rings - it is his Mum. I asked him not to answer, and he didn't, but then he made sure he called them back as soon as he had opened his presents from us and then spent the rest of the morning on the phone.

In fairness, I should point out that his family all live overseas so they don't catch up a whole lot (although they do talk on the phone 1-2 times a week). There is a 12 hour time difference between here and there so they could wait a little later to call or alternatively call in the evening or when he is at work.

So what do you say girls? Am I being unreasonable, petty, or jealous to expect them not to call so early or at least make their phone calls short so we can actually enjoy the birthday morning together as a family?

OP posts:
RainRainGoAway · 04/12/2009 10:05

Yep - YABU.
I would kick my DHs arse from here to eternity if he dared to critised anything about my dads phone calls to me on my birthday (he also lives abroad). Oh, hang on, my dad doesn't particulary give a shit about me and a phone call would happen only in some alternate universe.
I can't believe you equate this with some kind of competition. Just hope one day your dd doesn't marry someone who make her feel bad if you or your dh want to call her on her birthday.
Happy birthday to your DH!

PrincessToadstool · 04/12/2009 10:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Firawla · 04/12/2009 10:19

YABU what a big deal about nothing!
definitely not worth having a fight over or making an issue

diddl · 04/12/2009 10:33

Also re the "am I the first"-am assuming that this doesn´t apply to you as you are either already up & about & have therefore said happy birthday, or the phone wakes you & you say happy birthday then.

So,naturally, you are always the first with the birthday greetings!

LisaD1 · 04/12/2009 10:40

Aww, I feel sorry for your MIL, she is all those miles away from her DS and is resented for wanting to wish him a happy birthday before anyone else. I think YABU and can't really see what the fuss is about. The relationship between mother and son is important and if he is lucky enough to have a mum that still gets excited by his birthday then I think you're wrong to put a dampner on that. His mum can't compete with you, you are his WIFE, she is however the woman that moulded the man you married, so I would let them get on with their little family tradition and create some of your own.

OrmIrian · 04/12/2009 10:42

Late to the party but yes YABU and precious. Whose birthday is it?

TrillianAstra · 04/12/2009 10:42

I'd wish she didn't call so early because it is 6am.

Not because being the first to say 'Happy Birthday' has any particular meaning.

thedollshouse · 04/12/2009 10:49

Mil was a bit like this about Christmas. In their house they all get up at 4am to open their pressies. They would ring us at 4am to wish us Happy Christmas and would ask if they were the first to call us. Dh eventually had to have a word, he said that having to wake up at 4am for us was spoiling our enjoyment of the day and told them not to ring until after 9am. They did get the hump but have got used to it over the years.

ninedragons · 04/12/2009 11:09

If my parents or ILs rang at 4 o'clock on Christmas morning I would think it was time for them to go to an assisted living facility.

fernie3 · 04/12/2009 11:14

my gran does this ever birthday for me, my husband and the kids. I just think how nice it is that she is excited to call!. Also her singing happy birthday down the phone at 7am is a sort of birthda tradition now lol

diddl · 04/12/2009 11:20

My MIL phones husband in the evening & part of me feels "what´s the point"-birthday´s nearly over!

There is a slight time difference& I guess she´s not up before he leaves for work, & I guess she´s of the generation who would only phone him at work in an emergency.

For us a morning call would be better as we usually do presents/birthday meal in the evening when he´s home from work!

jellybeans · 04/12/2009 11:27

YANBU I think your MIL should take a step back abit. Maybe she could ring abit later and say DH needs a lie in? Difficult, though, if your DH doesn't have a problem with it (I think he should if he knows it upsets you). Yes, there are worse things but it is kind of abit intrusive when her son has left/married.

RockBird · 04/12/2009 11:31

Glad we don't have all this fuss. Birthdays are a bit of a non event for the adults in this house. Can't see the point meself.

GetOrfMoiLand · 04/12/2009 11:32

YABU. You are able to cuddle your husband and give him a birthday kiss. His mum does not have that, she is miles away and can only telephone - so I would let her have the first 'happy birthday'.

Agree fast forward yourself and think how you would feel if your future SIL was annoyed with you and wanted to come first in matters like these.

Don't be silly.

LadyPeterWimsey · 04/12/2009 11:34

YANBU to feel irritated, but Y would BU if you do or say anything about it other than inwardly seethe. He doesn't mind it, and it's not a mean or evil thing in itself.

The whole competition thing would wind me up, tbh. As would anybody who rang me first thing in the morning for anything other than a birth or a death.

LadyPeterWimsey · 04/12/2009 11:36

Actually the thing that would irritate most would be the making a massive deal about an adult's birthday - I think that's thing that makes me go all squirmy at the early morning call thing.

Wolliw · 04/12/2009 11:45

Get a bottle of wine and stay up with him watching telly til midnight. Wish him happy birthday and finish the job.

But I do think you are being frightfully petty.

heartofgold · 04/12/2009 11:47

yabu

AmericanHag · 04/12/2009 17:36

YABU here. It's only once a year, ffs.

My in-laws phoned us at the butt-crack of dawn every damned Saturday morning for months on end. DH finally demanded them to stop...polite requests didn't work.

So, Sweetie, you've got it pretty easy to me.

There comes a time when you need to stop expecting everyone else to make a big deal over your birthday. That time is about age eleven.

2rebecca · 04/12/2009 17:43

If anyone rang us at 6am they would get a fairly pissed off reception. I'd be inclined to unplug the phones if it happened annually. I'm not a morning person. If it's a work day then I think it's nice for the nuclear family to have a rapid birthday morning and opening presents before work/ school and then more leisurely phonecall with extended family later. I wouldn't want to not have time to open my presents before going to work because my dad wanted a chat and definitely don't want to be woken extra early on my birthday.

It's your husband's birthday though so if he likes it this way then I guess it's OK. It would piss me off though as it seems very selfish of his relatives, the birthday is supposed to be about him, not them.

JackTheHallsWithBauersOfHolly · 04/12/2009 18:00

YABU petty and a bit jealous for all the reasons stated already.

HTH

ajandjjmum · 04/12/2009 18:05

My pil and sil do this, but they know dh is an early riser, so it makes no odds.

However, any birthday is a big event in our house, and I think that adults should celebrate and give the dc a chance to spoil them for a change!

HerBeatitude · 04/12/2009 18:12

oh I think the mil's a bit of a nutter as well tbh

Would you phone your DS at 6AM when he's an adult in order to be the first to wish him happy birthday?

I wouldn't make a fuss about it, but it's a bit mad. I hope I won't be doing that in 20 years time.

slushy06 · 04/12/2009 18:36

In your circumstances I would stay in bed as he spends all morning on the phone and then make a special meal and have his presents ready when he comes home. It is what we do anyway as me and the kids don't like early dd 4months if left will not rise before 9am and ds 3 has been known to lie in till 11 on a Saturday.

fedup1981 · 04/12/2009 19:06

Sorry folks but I can totally see the op's point of view. The "Am I first??" thing would piss me off, although obviously because it's your dh's birthday you have to rise above it.

My mil is a bit like this, if we visit and ds has a special outfit on she will ask if she is the first to have seen him wearing it, and visibly puffs up with pride if she is.

She wishes us all happy birthday on facebook/text the night before, and adds "thought I'd text you now so I am first" - erm, ok. Well done..??

I don't dislike her at all, but I'm completely at a loss as to what she gets out of this being first business. Genuinely don't understand her.