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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that my mum is out of order

86 replies

brook1 · 03/12/2009 19:43

Ive just rang my mum to ask if she can dig out my old gold (from an ex-boyf 20yrs ago) so that I can sell it. I cant remember exactly what there is but I definitely recall a gate bracelet.

Anyway, she hesitates and tells me that she sold the bracelet a few months ago. I asked her why she had done that because it wasnt hers to sell. She tells me she didnt think I'd mind because it was broken. Now I know she sold some jewellery a few months ago because she told me how many hundreds of pounds she got for it. I didnt think to ask if any of it was mine. And to be honest, I wouldnt be surprised if my gate bracelet wasnt the only thing of mine that she sold.

My mum has no money worries, I know that for a fact, and my dad doesnt bat an eyelid with what she spends. Although I am not broke, the money would have been nice for xmas.

I know she felt embarrassed on the phone. I asked her to look in my old box for the jewellery & she did this and then rang me back to tell me there were a few things there. I said I would call round in the next few days to collect.

Now, I think she is totally out of order. But she is being arsey with me because I have pulled her up about it. She even asked how I could be so bothered after all that she does for my DC. Admittedly, she buys things for my DC and has given me some money towards their xmas clothes, but I think she is missing the point. I dont think the fact that she helps us out makes it ok for her to have a reward from the sale of my gold jewellery behind my back. If she had sold it and then said "Oh I bought the DC this with the money from your bracelet" then that would be different.

Even if she had sold it without asking I would have thought she would have given the money to my DC. Its not really about the money, its about what she has done, and why?? for heavens sake.

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 04/12/2009 16:34

OFFS, OP's mum had a clearout and got some extra cash for Xmas, suddenly she's got a gambling problem? Sheesh.

mathanxiety · 04/12/2009 16:42

She's got loads of cash, according to OP, and nobody asks her to account for it.

selby · 04/12/2009 16:51

I would be slightly miffed but only on a reversion to teenage sulk scale. You state that No-one NEEDS the money which would amount to say £100 if that (unless 24 carat and encrusted with diamonds). Definitely not worth making an issue. Life is too short - get over it.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 04/12/2009 16:54

So she's got loads of money, but needed to sell OP's bracelet because she has a gambling problem? Does not compute.

neenz · 04/12/2009 17:00

YANBU for being annoyed that your mum sold the bracelet

And YANBU for leaving things at your parents' - my mum had mounds of stuff from me and my sisters, when she got fed up of it she asked us to come and get it, if we didn't it got chucked out.

Ask for the money. It's rightly yours and if she has no money problems she should be fine with it. If it was a genuine mistake she should be happy to give you the money.

If she doesn't then just let it go. I wouldn't be vey impressed by the 'I do loads for you and your kids' attitude though. She is their grandma, she should do things for you - out of love not for reward. I think she is just about it

mathanxiety · 04/12/2009 17:04

I would ask her for the money, especially since you were thinking of selling it yourself, OP. If she hasn't got it, I would like to know where it is and what it went towards.

frogetyfrog · 04/12/2009 17:27

Cant believe the number of replies saying YANBU. I think YABVVU. Poor mother. You left it there for gods sake - if I had something laying around (even if in a drawer) for 20 years, I too would get rid. If you wanted it you would have taken it. Also I would think your energies would be better spent finding out why she needed the money to go to the hassle of selling gold when apparently there was no need. Maybe she is not as well off as you think. Maybe her husband controls the finances more than you realise. Maybe, maybe maybe - could be anything. But it WILL be something, as nobody suddenly after 20 years of being well off, decides to sell things for a bit of cash unless they need the money. Maybe its for helping you out as she appears to do.

Tommy · 04/12/2009 17:31

I agree with frogety

ifnotwhynot · 04/12/2009 17:56

YANBU, she is totally out of order. My Mum sold something of mine once, years ago, and I made her buy me a new one!

neenz · 04/12/2009 18:05

She didn't leave it just 'lying around'.

It was a present from her ex. Her mum knew that - she should have checked that she didn't want it anymore.

Her mum knows she is in the wrong and that is why she got arsey.

FabIsVeryHappy · 04/12/2009 18:08

YANBU

She was out of order to sell it.

tootiredtothink · 04/12/2009 18:16

YABU

Why are you so bothered about it when you've not seen it for so long.

Why the significance of it being from your first love? Surely your love now is the one to focus on?

Your mom obviously meant no harm, give her a break.

frogetyfrog · 04/12/2009 18:27

It was lying around - it wasnt in use was it! And it was broken! If it was such a special present from her ex then it shouldnt have been left at her old home. It would be with her now. I agree that mum feels a bit guilty and is therefore funny about it - but does that not add to the fact that there was obviously a reason she felt the need to get the cash. Cant believe that somebody 'made' their mum buy a new thing after she had sold it. Where is the respect for mums after all the looking after and trials and tribulations of bringing us up. Amazing. If something is left in the family home after grown up children have flown the nest then surely the parents have a right to treat the things as their own. Or do we all have to provide space and storage for our grown up dc for the rest of their lives.

neenz · 04/12/2009 19:00

It's common courtesy to ask if it's ok to sell it.

Shineynewthings · 04/12/2009 19:05

I'm feeling you froggerty!

frogetyfrog · 04/12/2009 19:09

shiney - good job somebody is. Honestly!!

Original poster

brook1 · 04/12/2009 19:10

Frogety - I never said that my mum was well off. I said she has no money worries, its not quite the same. And you mention about her husband possibly controlling her finances, well, her husband happens to be my dad and I know for a fact that he doesnt control her finances.

Despite what has happened I have a very close relationship with my mum and dad. I know how much money they have in the bank and I regularly go shopping with my mum and trust me, she buys whatever she wants to buy. She has not sold the bracelet because she needed the money, I am certain of that.

And if someone left something at my house (even if it was for 20years) I would definitely double check before getting rid of it. Especially since it was a jewellery gift.

I have tried to explain numerous times but many of you dont seem to be taking much notice, that my bits & bobs occupied a small top drawer in my old bedroom, my mum was happy for them to stay there and she hasnt got rid of any of the other items, just the gold bracelet, so she obviously has no problem with them being there.

OP posts:

Doozle · 04/12/2009 19:16

YANBU. Even if was under the impression you didn't want it anymore, she should at least have apologised afterwards when she realised you still wanted it. Think her guilt trip comment was unfair.

frogetyfrog · 04/12/2009 19:37

Maybe we are wrong - we dont know you or your mum. But we never will. I still think that nobody knows everything about their parents or their finances. Maybe your mum had debts she needed to pay off that you dont know about. Or maybe your dad is more controlling than you realise about money (not saying he is, but dont believe any of us know for certain). I still think it very odd that if you have such a good relationship with your mum and dad, that she would sell somehing she would have known you wouldnt want her to. Therefore she must have had to. You say that she hasnt touched anyhting else, and that she has not sold the bracelet because of money. So why did she go into your stuff and find it and sell it? And why did she feel the need not to ask you. I can only think that in a really close good mum daughter relationship, it would only be done if need dictated it. And then she would hope you would never ask and her need would never come to light. But who knows. I dont pretend to. But I still maintain that she is not automatically at fault as she may need the money (what ever you say) and whilst your bits and bobs may have remained important to you while stashed at her house, they may have reduced in importance to her and she may genuinely have thought you werent bothered about them.

frogetyfrog · 04/12/2009 19:43

Actually op, why do you think your mum sold it. You say she doesnt need the money. You say that she knew it was a gift and I think you have suggested she would have known it was important to you. You also say that she was happy for you to continue using that drawer as your own. You say you have a really good relationship with her. And she sounds like a reasonable person who helps you out. So why would she take something she knew you wouldnt want her to and sell it? Genuine question.

Original poster

brook1 · 04/12/2009 19:45

Frogety, I was out shopping with her and my DC at the weekend for their xmas clothes and she insisted that I take the money that she offered me to put towards the clothes.

I tried to refuse it, but she insisted. Now does that sound to you like a woman with money worries?

My dad couldnt care less about money, they are actually quite generous to us. They gave us £2,000 earlier this year for a family holiday.

Am baffled as to why she has done it. I spoke to my brother earlier and he was just as surprised as me and cant think of a single reason why she would have done it. He thinks she's been very silly.

OP posts:

neenz · 04/12/2009 19:48

Frogety, if that's the case (that she genuinely needed the money) then that is totally different to her just selling it for a bit of extra pocket money.

Selling it for pocket money = out of order
Selling it cos she was desperate = understandable (but she should still pay the momey back)

OP, is it possible that when she goes shopping with you and 'buys whatever she wants' she is actually buying it all on the never never?

frogetyfrog · 04/12/2009 19:51

Maybe she has been silly in which case cant you just forgive and forget. She sounds lovely and has more than repaid you in the £2000 she gave you. But maybe she is a bit fivalous with money and has got into a bit of trouble. She may love you all so much and her way of showing it is to buy for you, but unfortunately generousity doesnt automatically mean there is plenty of money to back it up. Or maybe she was simply collecting her old jewellery after seeing the ads on tv and thought of the stuff in your drawer that you appeared to have given up on and included it with hers. Either way, I apologise, but I still think YABU to blame her like you do.

Original poster

brook1 · 04/12/2009 19:52

Frogety, the bracelet is not actually that important to me, thats why I was planning to sell it. Am not sentimental about the items in the drawer, I just thought it would be nice to keep them.

But, as the gold could be sold and the money come in handy for some nice treats for me at xmas then I feel a bit miffed that she has prevented this. All our money goes on the DC at xmas and as I am a SAHM I only have the money that DH gives me and it would be nice to get myself something out of my own money for a change.

OP posts:

Original poster

brook1 · 04/12/2009 19:54

Neenz, my mum doesnt have a credit card or anything like that. They are old school, and go into the bank every friday morning to draw out the cash that they need for the week. They dont even make cash withdrawals from a machine lol.

OP posts:

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