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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that my mum is out of order

86 replies

brook1 · 03/12/2009 19:43

Ive just rang my mum to ask if she can dig out my old gold (from an ex-boyf 20yrs ago) so that I can sell it. I cant remember exactly what there is but I definitely recall a gate bracelet.

Anyway, she hesitates and tells me that she sold the bracelet a few months ago. I asked her why she had done that because it wasnt hers to sell. She tells me she didnt think I'd mind because it was broken. Now I know she sold some jewellery a few months ago because she told me how many hundreds of pounds she got for it. I didnt think to ask if any of it was mine. And to be honest, I wouldnt be surprised if my gate bracelet wasnt the only thing of mine that she sold.

My mum has no money worries, I know that for a fact, and my dad doesnt bat an eyelid with what she spends. Although I am not broke, the money would have been nice for xmas.

I know she felt embarrassed on the phone. I asked her to look in my old box for the jewellery & she did this and then rang me back to tell me there were a few things there. I said I would call round in the next few days to collect.

Now, I think she is totally out of order. But she is being arsey with me because I have pulled her up about it. She even asked how I could be so bothered after all that she does for my DC. Admittedly, she buys things for my DC and has given me some money towards their xmas clothes, but I think she is missing the point. I dont think the fact that she helps us out makes it ok for her to have a reward from the sale of my gold jewellery behind my back. If she had sold it and then said "Oh I bought the DC this with the money from your bracelet" then that would be different.

Even if she had sold it without asking I would have thought she would have given the money to my DC. Its not really about the money, its about what she has done, and why?? for heavens sake.

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 04/12/2009 02:10

I agree with CocoaCloset (and I'm not OP's mum either). How much has the OP paid in storage costs over the past 20 years for her parents - who have selfishly taken over the room for their own purposes! - to look afer and, possibly, insure her goods over that time?

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 04/12/2009 02:13

Btw, if it had some kind of sentimental value, that would be different, but OP has made it quite clear that it's the dosh she's after. It wasn't sentimental enough to take with you, was it?

(Speaking as someone who has just spent a few days clearing out junk/stuff with sentimental value - and I'm 25 years married!)

MarionCrane · 04/12/2009 02:24

She should have told you that she was planning to sell it.
I wouldn't get into a row over it though.
I'd suggest that she gives the money she got for it to a charity of your choice - particularly as you state that neither of you needs the money desperately.
Take her out for a coffee and then go together to donate the money in a charity shop.
Or give it to the local Big Issue seller.

florence2511 · 04/12/2009 02:35

Just ask your Mum for the money that she made by selling the bracelet. Your bracelet, your money :0

florence2511 · 04/12/2009 02:35

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 04/12/2009 03:04

"Your bracelet, your money" - yes, after 20 years storage and insurance money is deducted... and for all the rest of the crap stuff she's left behind in her room...

I went through this too - I left loads of stuff with sentimental (though no monetary) value in "my" room at my mum's house, and I was a bit miffed when she dumped it; but realistically, why should she give it house-room?

The OP had 20 years to move the stuff and didn't - maybe her mum should have said, "Move it or I will" but it's a bit much that she's narked now.

Sorry OP, that's how I feel; and I have adult offspring who may or may not be moving on, and I am desperate to declutter but have an irrational desire to hang on to their primary school reports. That's personal to me as well as to them, how am I supposed to know that a bit of abandoned jewellery (which means nothing to me) is suddenly going to be important to my offspring 20 years down the line?

AmericanHag · 04/12/2009 04:42

YANBU. The bracelet was yours to sell, not your mother's.

Not worth fighting about any longer. The bracelet's gone. If she's in possession of anything else you own, go pick it up very soon.

I think you should keep a closer eye on your cash and valuables when your mother comes to visit your house from now on. But, of course, don't tell her that.

mathanxiety · 04/12/2009 05:22

What if OP's mum was a teenager going through old stuff in someone else's room and selling it for pot? Taking things that are not yours and selling them is not ok for anyone. OP's mum clearly doesn't mind her leaving stuff at the house or she would have cleared it all out, not just the bracelet, so it's not about storage or needing space or cutting the apron strings. She's happy to have the crap lying around. Just doesn't know where her stuff ends and OP's stuff begins. YANBU.

sunshiney · 04/12/2009 06:18

Ridiculous thread. Sorry OP but you sound like a spoilt brat.

nooka · 04/12/2009 06:38

I'm afraid the idea of leaving anything at my parents house after even only 15 years seems very odd to me. Once you have your own house that's where you keep your stuff. Why on earth should your husband care about mementos from your youth? I have all my old love letters stuffed in a cupboard somewhere. I certainly wouldn't leave them in my "old" room, and if I did I wouldn't imagine I had any call over them. But then my mother made it clear that we weren't to leave our junk behind, and lets face it it is only junk that does get left behind. So, yes your mum should have asked you before selling the bracelet, but you shouldn't have left it there, and I don't think that you have a right to be arsey, especially if otherwise your mum is a good and helpful sort.

LoveBeingAMummyKissingSanta · 04/12/2009 07:00

YANBU just cause you left somehting at their house doesn't mean tey can sell it and keep the money. I woner if your dad knows?

Mishy1234 · 04/12/2009 07:10

She is absolutely in the wrong. Just because the items were in her house, doesn't give her the right to sell them. I would be very, very annoyed indeed.

At the very least, she should have contacted you to say she was considering selling them and did you still want them. If you had agreed for them to be sold, you should also have been given the money they raised.

I would call her bluff and say 'I take it since you sold them without my permission that you won't mind giving me the amount they raised?' and see how she tries to get out of that one!

traceybath · 04/12/2009 07:15

I can see why you're annoyed but I guess if she's good with your DC both in terms of care and money - you should just ignore it.

You've made your point but really not worth falling out over.

diddl · 04/12/2009 08:02

"Possession is nine tenths of the law"?

pantomimecow · 04/12/2009 10:12

YABU if you left it cluttering up your mums house and collecting dust for 20 years i think she could reasonably assume you didn't want it and get rid.

Skegness · 04/12/2009 10:17

It would have been nice of her to let you know of her intentions just in case you still wanted it but tbh after all this time unless you had an explicit agreement that she was looking after it for you I think she was within her rights to consider it hers to sell.

paisleyleaf · 04/12/2009 11:15

I don't think she's been underhand - she's just gone through her own drawers in her own house.
I believe her when she says she didn't think...

Shineynewthings · 04/12/2009 11:57

Honestly OP you are a woman with a family of your own now for goodness sake. At the end of the day your mother has spent loads of money on raising you. I think they say it costs averagely at least £50,000 to raise a child to 19. Cut your mother some slack. I think you're being quite disrespectful.

Original poster

brook1 · 04/12/2009 12:22

Blimey, I know I posted in AIBU but am rather shocked at some of the replies. I appreciate that some people will think I am BU and accept that some people will think I am.

But, my mum was happy for me to leave the items in the top drawer (yes, 1 top drawer, not 25 cupboards full). I have never once indicated that I thought the room should be left as mine - it is theirs to do what they want and that doesnt concern me in the slightest.

Shineynewthings, you think I am being disrespectful to my mum? Each to their own, you obviously have had a different upbringing to me. I find it odd that you think I should respect my mum for selling my jewellery behind my back, which she was happy to leave in the drawer.

And as for peoples comments about storage fees - you are flipping nutters. They are my parents for gods sake, we dont have that kind of contract relationship, its rather more easy going than that!

FWIW I see my mum probably 3-4 times a week so she could have asked me at any time to come and clear out the drawer if it was a problem. And it obviously isnt a problem for her or else she would have cleared the drawer out, which she hasnt - she has just sold the bracelet

OP posts:

BalloonSlayer · 04/12/2009 12:34

I think YANBU but if I were you I would say nothing till you call round to collect the other stuff. She'll probably offer you some money for the bracelet then.

Shineynewthings · 04/12/2009 12:53

No I think you should have respect enough to appreciate that even though she sold the jewellery (that after 20 yrs you only recently decided you wanted to sell) behind your back, when you mewasure it up agaisn't all the other things your mum has done for you and does for your DC it really isn't something you should be holding against her. That's all. Appreciation and all that.

LittleOneMum · 04/12/2009 13:12

If she'd chucked it out, I'd say YABU as you could have asked for it back at any time in the last 20 years.
But she knew it was yours and she sold it. Therefore she knew it was yours + that it had value. At the very least she should have told you she was going to do it. The only reason she didn't is because you'd have said 'No, don't do that, it's mine, I want to sell it'.
YANBU - she's been really unfair.

emsyj · 04/12/2009 13:26

Sorry I think YABU. After all that time I reckon your mum was within her rights to assume that you had abandoned the bracelet and didn't want it any more. My mum has sold stuff and donated stuff to charity that I left at her house when I left home and I think it's fair enough really - she doesn't want her house filled with things that weren't important enough to me to have taken to my marital home. If I wanted her to store something specific then I would have that conversation with her - and in fact did so, when we moved out of our own house to a rented property 250 miles away and wanted to store some large appliances in her garage that we couldn't take with us. I asked her permission, told her the likely timescales for storage and we collected the items well within that time frame. If she had then sold them, I'd have been annoyed and angry - but if I've left something in her home untouched and unwanted for even one year, let alone 20, I would fully expect her to dispose of it as she saw fit.

BalloonSlayer · 04/12/2009 16:11

Sorry but ROFL at "abandoned the bracelet" Poor wee thing .

Perhaps the Bracelet Protection Team at SS should have been called in .

Most people with ex-partners have "tainted" jewellery loafing about in lofts and drawers. I have, if only I could get to it, it's right at the back! Mind you all my exes tended to buy me 9ct stuff that Del Boy would turn his nose up at, so no hidden fortune in my loft.

And most people are aware that now is a great time to dig it out and flog it what with all the outlets springing up all over the place to buy it.

Tis very dodgy that the Mum didn't ring the OP and say "Hey guess what, I'm off to the gold-buyers tomorrow, do you want me to take any of your old stuff?"

mathanxiety · 04/12/2009 16:16

Yes, OP's mum was watching the gold prices. Not too fussy about whose gold it was... Any idea what she wanted the money for? Does she owe money to someone? Does she have a gambling problem that nobody knows about?

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