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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to invite my inlaws for Christmas dinner

68 replies

summerparade · 01/12/2009 21:13

I have not been on mumsnet for months hence the name lol hahaha!! Anyway I have been married 11 years and every year we alternate who we spend Christmas with ie last year we went to my pil for Christmas day and my parents boxing day. This year we are due to spend Christmas with my parents and my inlaws on boxing day.

Every things fine when we spend christmas day with my inlaws (in their opinion that it lol) but as soon as its my parents "turn" it become a problem. This is because although they have a daughter and other grandchildren they never spend Christmas with them (their choice) and fret about the fact that they'll be "on their own" this year. My parents also alternate christmas with my brother and his family as she doesnt feel she could cope with all of us at the same time lol!

Anyway my children are 2 and 4 and I am thinking of having Christmas day at home this year rather than go round my parent as I normally do. Mainly because I want my children to have their presents around them and not to have to drag them out when they are enjoying playing with them as happened last year. Anyway I would invite my parents and my grandad and see my inlaws on boxing day iyswim. The problem is my dh wants to invite his parents for Christmas day aswell and I want to keep things as before. If we did invite them it would mess up the alternating Christmas thing and I feel if would be unfair to my parents who cant change it because they alternate with my brother aswell iyswim? So aibu?

OP posts:
bigchris · 01/12/2009 21:16

could you invite inlaws for a xuppa or coffee?
why does dh want to invite them for lunch too?

I have totally gone against alternating xmases as we're on the only ones who travel I don't want people to automatically assume we will be going just because 'it's their year'

so we have had some lovely xmases at home and some okay xmases away

Original poster
summerparade · 01/12/2009 21:20

THe thing is it wouldn't be just for a cuppa once they were here they would stay for the rest of the day! My dhs attitude seems to be the more the merrier

OP posts:
StayFrosty · 01/12/2009 21:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PeedOffWithNits · 01/12/2009 21:25

if DH wants extra guests, i assume he is doing all the shopping and cooking is he??

groundhogs · 01/12/2009 21:27

You can't be responsible for your inlaws being on their own, your own parents alternate between you and your brother's family, it's not your fault your inlaws have decided not to adopt that. Your DH is just (being made) to feel guilty, and it's not exactly fair.

I'd be inclined to stick to your guns, that Christmas Day from now on is family at home day, and Boxing Day is the day that alternates.

I don't think you are being U at all, merely trying, quite rightly, to establish your own family tradition. You have to start somewhere, we all have to grow into the matriarch role somehow.

Original poster
summerparade · 01/12/2009 21:27

Er no he isn't he is working for 8 days before Christmas including the Sunday!

OP posts:
mazzystartled · 01/12/2009 21:29

i'm with your dh - the more the merrier
they are sad that they are going to be on their own, and it's within your gift to do something about it

don't be a misery

yabu

(disclaimer - unless both sets of parents despise each other with a passion and there will be blood)

bigchris · 01/12/2009 21:29

well if you invite them for a cuppa at 4pm after you've had xmas dinner etc it doesn't really matter

you'll be stck into the sherry etc by then and you'll be drubnk happy

allaboutme · 01/12/2009 21:32

I'd just tell DH that you dont feel able to host that many people. You cant cope with shopping for, cooking for and entertaining that many.
Even if he were to offer to do all the shopping and all the cooking you would still not enjoy the day as much as its the turn of your family to get your full attention, not to have to make polite chit chat with his parents!
Remind him that you put effort into making the alternate years with his family go well and now its your familys turn so please can he let you do it your way!

Blu · 01/12/2009 21:33

If you stay at home, and you can fit the ILs and your parents, then have them all - it's petty to decide that it isn't 'fair' because your parents can only come every other year! What could be nicer for your children than having all their grandparents there?

Original poster
summerparade · 01/12/2009 21:34

I agree with groundhog my inlaws have always been awkward about Christmas before we had the children they were never particularly bothered about having us round and now suddenly since the children they are! I think thats why I don't have alot of sympathy. On boxing day they are thinking of going to visit mil's sister and family over 1oo miles away. At one point she wanted us to "do christmas" present swapping christmas dinner round pil everything a week before on the Sunday until I told them the dh was working that day!

OP posts:
mazzystartled · 01/12/2009 21:42

you make that sound like it's outrageous! they only want a little bit of christmassyness with their grandchildren
have a heart

Original poster
summerparade · 01/12/2009 21:46

Didn't mean to make it sound outrageous but what about after Christmas? Mil also wants to find a date could still be boxing day havent heard for sure yet that fits in my sil. So we would have 2 christmasses iyswim!

OP posts:
StayFrosty · 01/12/2009 21:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pheebe · 01/12/2009 22:02

Remember they might be your inlaws but they're your husbands parents and your childrens blood relations. Take a moment to remember what christmas is about and invite them round to you for a family christmas - not just a coffee and an allocated few minutes with their son and grandchildren.

Original poster
summerparade · 01/12/2009 22:08

I think the main reason I find the whole situation awkward is because my mum has said that if I invited my pil round it would be unfair because they would get to spend Christmas with the dgc 3 years in a row and they would love to do that but they can't.

OP posts:
ChickensHaveNoTinsel · 01/12/2009 22:12

YABalittlebitU tbh. It shouldn't be about point scoring. Unless cooking for two extra people is going to be undoable, I don't see why you wouldn't invite them tbh. Oh, and your parents sound like they are BU also. They are not the enemy, they are your dc's grandparents.

kateecass · 01/12/2009 22:23

I've just told my Mum off for saying something similar Summerparade.

We're driving 200 mile to Mum's for Xmas the 200 miles the other direction to PILs after New Year. Today I mentionned to my Mum that we would probably go out on Boxing Day to visit my Dad and his wife and she got all stroppy. I mentionned to her that weren't we lucky Dad didn't expect to have us to them every 3rd year!! She soon went quiet!!

We've spent so many years going here there and everywhere at Xmas and New year to please different people, that if we had to decide for ourselves what WE wanted to do we wouldn't know. Having kids has made it so much worse!!

piscesmoon · 01/12/2009 22:35

I would stay at home and refuse to drag DCs around-however I can't see why you can't have them all-the more the merrier!

sunnydelight · 01/12/2009 22:36

If the main reaason you don't want to do it is that your mum thinks it's unfair the "other side" get to see you three years in a row then she is the one being unreasonable tbh.

Unless you hate your in laws with a passion invite them all round, get one lot to bring starters, the others to bring dessert and TELL your DH/dad and fil beforehand that they are clearing up. Have fun and know you are doing the right thing in letting everyone share the joy of small kids at Christmas.

diddl · 02/12/2009 09:50

I´m confused.

So, you normally go to ILs one year, parents the next?

So every other year ILs are alone?

And this year you are seeing your parents, but at your house rather than theirs?

So you are changing venue?

If I´ve understood that,I don´t really see why your husband thinks his parents should also come.

gladders · 02/12/2009 10:06

we're stuck in this alternating pattern with dh's parents too.... i like the idea on here that it is time to break out!

i don;t get on well with my in laws - i take on board the idea that i should as they are my children's blood relatives, but i don't and after 14 years of trying i am close to giving up!

BUT - i do find it easier to deal with them when there are lot so of other people around - it takes the stress off.

If you had them all for lunch on Xmas day, you could have bosing day to yourselves? And a roast dinner for 8 is not much more work than a roast dinner for 6?

Keep the booze flowing and everyone will be happy!

jelliebelly · 02/12/2009 10:11

I think it is your mum being unreasonable tbh. what is wrong with having everybody to yours for christmas day? assuming that everybody gets on and you have the space why would you choose to leave pil to spend christmas on their own?

OrmIrian · 02/12/2009 10:13

I'm with your DH.

OrmIrian · 02/12/2009 10:15

MIl never gets invited anywhere at CHristmas except up. Inspite of the fact that she lives in the same town as SIL. So she always comes to us. I wouldn't expect it to be any different.