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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to invite my inlaws for Christmas dinner

68 replies

summerparade · 01/12/2009 21:13

I have not been on mumsnet for months hence the name lol hahaha!! Anyway I have been married 11 years and every year we alternate who we spend Christmas with ie last year we went to my pil for Christmas day and my parents boxing day. This year we are due to spend Christmas with my parents and my inlaws on boxing day.

Every things fine when we spend christmas day with my inlaws (in their opinion that it lol) but as soon as its my parents "turn" it become a problem. This is because although they have a daughter and other grandchildren they never spend Christmas with them (their choice) and fret about the fact that they'll be "on their own" this year. My parents also alternate christmas with my brother and his family as she doesnt feel she could cope with all of us at the same time lol!

Anyway my children are 2 and 4 and I am thinking of having Christmas day at home this year rather than go round my parent as I normally do. Mainly because I want my children to have their presents around them and not to have to drag them out when they are enjoying playing with them as happened last year. Anyway I would invite my parents and my grandad and see my inlaws on boxing day iyswim. The problem is my dh wants to invite his parents for Christmas day aswell and I want to keep things as before. If we did invite them it would mess up the alternating Christmas thing and I feel if would be unfair to my parents who cant change it because they alternate with my brother aswell iyswim? So aibu?

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 02/12/2009 10:15

except us!

diddl · 02/12/2009 10:17

But just because OP has decided to have her parents come to her rather than go to them,why should she have to invite ILs as well?

wukter · 02/12/2009 10:22

Bring your PIL, your mum is being U.

It is Christmas after all! Anyway, its as easy cook for 6 as 8 - a few more roasties, a few extra sprouts. More wine. Done!

OrmIrian · 02/12/2009 10:24

But why not diddl? Is it worth making them feel left out and upsetting DH just because it isn't their year?

wukter · 02/12/2009 10:25

But diddl, why not? Ok, she shouldn't have to, but it's better than leaving them on their own just for the sake of it. Doesn't hurt (much).

wukter · 02/12/2009 10:26

X-posts, OrmIrian!

mazzystartled · 02/12/2009 11:08

Your mum's out of order.She gets to see her other grandchildren on the alternating years anyway. Anyway you're the host, so you decide on the guestlist.

cumbria81 · 02/12/2009 11:11

I think you are being very Scroogey! Why on earth shouldn't they come round for Christmas? Isn't it a time for families?

Litchick · 02/12/2009 11:15

Oh have e'm all.
I do and on the positive side, it's done in one fail swoop and no dragging around on your part.

stuffitllllama · 02/12/2009 11:19

No, no, yanbu, if you normally take turns. But you should have them over for mince pies at t time just to be nice.

Or you could have them for lunch and have lovely Boxing Day alone (my choice would be this).

If you go with your dh which I think would be nice of you then you have something in the bank for the future.

I also think if you have them both for Christmas Day it could be a very good "ending of the Christmas turns" routine and lay an excellent path for you to have a Christmas Day all to yourselves next year if that's what you want.

2rebecca · 02/12/2009 11:20

I think it depends on if the 2 sets of parents like each other and it sounds like they don't. If you have xmas at home evey year does this mean you will have inlaws every year?
I'd maybe invite them after lunch if the rellys don't get on, or put pressure on your husband to get his sibs to invite them.
They won't be on their own, they have each other. Bloke and I have had some great xmases together.
Christmas isn't about family if you don't want it to be. There was o extended family at Jesus's birth. Big family xmases are great if folk get on, awful if they don't.
Do you want to spend every xmas with your inlaws as that is where this is heading if your husband insists they come.

diddl · 02/12/2009 11:44

OP is in a routine of seeing Ils one year, own parents the next.

Why should this change just because OPs parents are going to her?

It would be nice if she invited them.

But I don´t see why she should feel obliged to.

SoupDragon · 02/12/2009 12:11

How would you feel if your DH says he doesn't want to invite your parents over?

Oh, and your mother is being childish!

AuntieMaggie · 02/12/2009 12:41

I don't think YABU.

It's your parent's turn to spend time with them on xmas day, so I think it's unfair of them to try to take that away from them. I expect if it was the other way round they wouldn't be happy.

It's not as if there is only one of them - they're are two of them so they won't be on their own!

I would consider inviting them round in the evening if push comes to shove, after xmas dinner. It gives your parents some time with the children then before they get there.

I hate that people make other people feel bad about their situation at xmas - I know it's xmas but seriously there are people worse off and it's not your fault they haven't got anyone else to spend it with!

Pikelit · 02/12/2009 12:43

I'm inclined to think that buying into alternating Christmases just stores up grief. Who needs all that driving around and being a guest if you have a perfectly good dinner table of your own to sit around?

There's a lot to be said for, in a completely laid-back manner, just announcing that you'll be holding a family Christmas Day at your house to which everyone is welcome to pop in for all, or some of the day. Then just go with the flow. If your in-laws come for tea and don't go for hours, does it matter on one day of the year?

Christmas, in my not at all humble opinion, is not for having hassle about.

GetOrfMoiLand · 02/12/2009 13:20

Agree it would be nice to have both sets of parents round, and the OP's mum seems to be a bit selfish. Think the more the merrier at Christmas.

If I was OP's DH I would feel a bit that my parents were being a bit left out.

Would much much prefer to have Christmas at my house and have the world and his wife round for the day, rather than traipsing around all over the place. To be honest it is not much different having 8 to dinner than it is having 6 (borrow plates etc, be imaginative with seating arrangements etc) as long as (a) people contribute to the food, such as bringing a starter or something and (b) people help as in do not think they are spending Christmas at the Sandy Lane a la Michael Winner and actually offer some practical assistance to the hostess, so she doesn't cry in the kitchen (you may recognise the voice of experience in this!).

nearlybeans · 02/12/2009 13:46

I am bemused by all this petty measuring and talk of what is fair.

The choice is simple: be generous and do something you don't really want to, or not.

You can't have it both ways.

diddl · 02/12/2009 13:56

But the husbands parents aren´t being left out.

They aren´t expecting to see OP on Christmas Day this year.

FabIsVeryHappy · 02/12/2009 13:58

Why the obsession with messing up the taking it in turns? Have everyone round to yours and make it a huge party. The kids can stay in and play with their new toys and you will have enough baby sitters so you and your hubby can go for a romantic walk alone.

etchasketch · 02/12/2009 14:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nearlybeans · 02/12/2009 14:10

If it were about anything other than being 'fair' to the OP's parents, who, having another such arrangement with their son, 'only' see the OP's DCs every other Christmas Day (the children are 2 and 4 so it is not yet set in stone), I would be inclined to agree, diddl.

What I can't understand is why this means her PIL should have their Christmas time with their DGCs limited, just to keep things equal

If the OP doesn't want them there for some other reason, then why not say so, instead of going through all this uncomfortable wheedling?

Saltire · 02/12/2009 14:25

This is why, when we had the DSes we decided we weren't travelling anywhere at Christmas as the boys were little, if the parents wanted to see DS they came to us. When we were in Fife we did sort of year about with them visiting us - however 2 years we had my mum and step dad, my brother and MIl and step FIL for Christmas Eve, Christmas day adn boxing Day.
Since we moved though, its not so easy for my muma nd step dad to get down at Christmas, he's 66 and doens't like driving the M6 and my brother won't do it, so last year we had mIL and this year it's just us, although I am sad that my mum won't joining us

diddl · 02/12/2009 14:33

nearlybeans

That´s the other thing,of course.

OP, if your parents had nowhere else to go, would you expect them to have Christmas alone when you visited ILs?

But if OP now wants to do Christmas at hers, and invite her parents one year & her ILs the next, I can´t see the problem with that, tbh.

nearlybeans · 02/12/2009 14:43

Quite, diddl

VoilaAnotherGimlet · 02/12/2009 17:32

I'm in the changed-venues-doesn't-mean-changing-plans camp, too. The ILs would be on their own if yu were going to your parents, why should your parents not have their GCs to themselves just cos you fancy hosting for once.

We are not in an alternating routine - since before we were married the default has been that we'd spend Christmas alone together most years and occasionally see the ILs (this year is an IL year). [disclaimer: no kids yet but I'll be even snarlier about "protecting" Christmas with kids (ifiteverhappenswhichitdoesn'tlooklikeitwillrightnow]