To not want to invite my inlaws for Christmas dinner

[summerparade]

I have not been on mumsnet for months hence the name lol hahaha!! Anyway I have been married 11 years and every year we alternate who we spend Christmas with ie last year we went to my pil for Christmas day and my parents boxing day. This year we are due to spend Christmas with my parents and my inlaws on boxing day.

Every things fine when we spend christmas day with my inlaws (in their opinion that it lol) but as soon as its my parents "turn" it become a problem. This is because although they have a daughter and other grandchildren they never spend Christmas with them (their choice) and fret about the fact that they'll be "on their own" this year. My parents also alternate christmas with my brother and his family as she doesnt feel she could cope with all of us at the same time lol!

Anyway my children are 2 and 4 and I am thinking of having Christmas day at home this year rather than go round my parent as I normally do. Mainly because I want my children to have their presents around them and not to have to drag them out when they are enjoying playing with them as happened last year. Anyway I would invite my parents and my grandad and see my inlaws on boxing day iyswim. The problem is my dh wants to invite his parents for Christmas day aswell and I want to keep things as before. If we did invite them it would mess up the alternating Christmas thing and I feel if would be unfair to my parents who cant change it because they alternate with my brother aswell iyswim? So aibu?

I think if you have space to have everyone for xmas day then have them, but explain to PILs that you won't be seeing them for boxing day because everyone, particularly DCs, will need to have a quiet day.

Again, this obsession with people having children to themselves - incomprehensible!

Sorry, have only read OP as I need to cook dinner!

We have changed our Xmas arrangements this year. I have a feeling it has not gone down well with my MIL. But then, she can be rather childish about wanting things her way. So tough.

I'm sure this is of no help to you whatsoever, but nobody will die from altered Xmas plans, and there's nothing in the British Constitution that states that you are unable to change your plans. Just work out the best solution, maybe have your in-laws join you in the evening for family games and mulled wine, and then STOP FRETTING!

I think I would have more sympathy with the ILs if they spent Christmas with their other grandchildren also.

I think grandparents competing to be most popular grandparent could be a nightmare.
I don't see why people make such a big deal about seeing kids on xmas day itself.
It seems an overhyped fuss about 1 day.
Being divorced I often don't see my kids over Christmas. I then wait til new year week and have a lovely time with them then.
Some adults, especially older adults seem to be like toddlers with making a huge deal out of having everything their way on xmas day.
Agree if having inlaws round xmas day I wouldn't do boxing day as well.
I do wonder if next year when the Ils expect to be invited round how they'd feel if OP said, sorry my parents are on their own so we're going there, they're coming too.
Why can't people wait a day or 2 so you can have a couple of less stressful days rather than 1 everyone together eating and drinking too much and arguing day.

These parents/ILs who want to see grandchildren on Christmas Day-well, that´s understandable.

But when they had young children, what did they do?

And what does the OP think her children will do when she's the inlaw? They will certainly take cues from their own childhood

Look at it as an opportunity to end the restrictive practice of "turns."
Have them all this year. As others have said, 8 is not much more than 6 and, personally, I like the idea of both families pitching in together (as long as there's not Bad Blood).
Then, next year, you have more excuse to do what you feel like at the time.

Wait a minute...... just realised that then, you lose your "excuse" not to have to have PILs every year....

Hmmm, dunno then. Time for another glass of wine, methinks....

I'm with your dh ...they are family and its Christmas!!!!

It would be a kindness to invite them - this is what christmas is about.

I would far rather have more shop bought stuff, or less different food bits, and MORE PEOPLE than a huge varied home cooked meal for 4.

Thats just me tho

Hmmm, I can see both sides of the argument.

But I have to say, YABU.

I think sticking to such rigid alternating Christmas rules is simply making a rod for your own back TBH.

From your OP, you also seem to suggest that the reason your mum alternates Christmases with yourself and your brother is through her choice. So she has absolutely no right to feel offended if your IL's attend. It is through her own choice that she is unable to spend 3 xmas's in a row with your DC's.

I think that if your DH wants his parents there, then you should invite them. It would be incredibly immature of you if you didnt, and I cannot imagine that your DH would have a happy Christmas day knowing his folks are on their own when they could easily be at yours.

i agree
turns is shit

Everyone who says "the more the merrier" obviously have Christmas guests who would make the effort to leave their own issues at the door and make it a nice day for all. But I think getting both families together only works if there is goodwill on both sides which often there is not - the in-laws don't have to hate each other or be locked in a huge feud to make the day an uncomfortable one - simple things like the DGC's showing more affection to one grandparent than another can cause problems. I know several people who have tried it, and only one family for whom it works. It's easy to say, oh it's CHristmas, and I do agree in principle - but the reality is, no matter how generous and kind the host wants to be, their goodwill is only a tiny part of the equation!!

YANBU. It sounds like your husband wants his parents there on Christmas and Boxing Day and that's just too much of ILs for most people. I'd lay a bet HE wouldn't like spending two whole days with HIS in-laws. Am I right?

Don't mix your parents and your ILs on holidays. Once you go down that road, you'll likely regret it for the rest of your life.

Keep your plans for Christmas at your house w/parents and Boxing Day with ILs. DH doesn't get to win this one, sorry.

"i think people are getting hung up on what is fair. why be only 'fair' when you can be generous? which is more christmassy?
"

Well exactly frosty.

And it would make DH happy which is a good thing generally.

I think you should stick to your guns.

My mum and my il's get on very well but I know that they would not want to spend Christmas day together. If you have all of them over your parents will probably feel that they didn't get enough time with the grandchildren. Next year your il's will spend time with your dc's as the only grandparents and I bet they would be miffed if you told them you were also inviting your parents over!

Years ago when dh and I first bought our first home together I could forsee the future problems of Christmas so we made it clear then we wanted Christmas to be informal and relaxed and refused to get into the whole thing of taking turns. It makes it a lot easier now as people accept that we do our own thing.

I'm afraid I am still thinking of not inviting my inlaws for Christmas day. For these reasons.

1. The Christmas day/boxing day turn has worked well so far as the children get to spend individual time with both sets of grandparents.
2. My dh is not an only child and it is their choice to be on their own. My house is small and it will be a struggle to fit in 7 (my grandad will come too.) 9 would just tip everything over the edge imo!
3. My mil loves to have things her way and take over even in my house. She also sees it as some kind of competition of who can spend most time with dgc. She did this on dc bithdays rather blatantly which seriously riled my parents.