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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder if my children would be better off without me?

26 replies

MitchyInge · 01/12/2009 11:23

Not in a 'am planning to do anything stupid' way but just that they might have had a much better life if they'd been born to someone less feckless?

OP posts:
Deadworm · 01/12/2009 11:26

Oh mitchy, I'm sure that isn't true. What's wrong with feckless anyway. Who gives a feck for feck?

Are you feeling low, or just wondering about your parenting in a non-depressive way?

fernie3 · 01/12/2009 11:27

I doubt it. What makes you think that?

I sometimes look around at other people I know and think "why cant I be that organized?" or whatever but actually when look properly we are pretty good. I have no doubt my kdis will find some reason to hate me as teenagers though.

Original poster
MitchyInge · 01/12/2009 11:27

I just seem to be spectacularly rubbish at everything right now

please don't be nice to me, it makes it worse!

OP posts:
Wonderstuff · 01/12/2009 11:27

Aww I'm sure YABU, and they wouldn't have been born to anyone else would they? They very fact that you question yourself and strive to do well with them puts you head and shoulders above many parents. If you knew the neglect that some kids endure.

defineme · 01/12/2009 11:27

Are they warm/fed - then no- I'm sure you've got the basics covered and you can work on the rest.

Wonderstuff · 01/12/2009 11:28

Whats gone wrong?

fernie3 · 01/12/2009 11:29

MitchyInge Im sure its not as bad as you think. Sometimes it helps to think of all the things you did well today (or this week).

wonderingwondering · 01/12/2009 11:30

So long as you love them, they'll be alright . I don't mean to be flippant, but it is true. My mum said that to me once when I was doubting myself, and she's right.

It is easy to over-complicate this parenting thing...

mollybob · 01/12/2009 11:30

kids ae not better if a parent especially a Mum is permanently absent from their life unless they were absolutely dreadful in terms of abuse,neglect etc

what you have to remember is when comparing yourself to all these apparently not feckless mums is you're comparing yourself on the inside (and probably in an unduly negative way) with the outside sanitised view of others - not a fair or accurate assessment at all

Original poster
MitchyInge · 01/12/2009 11:31

argh

I usually think 'look how well everything is going despite everything else' do not know why I have such a crushing sense of failure today

just normal every day stuff

it's a wicked thing to even think isn't it

OP posts:
Deadworm · 01/12/2009 11:34

It isn't a wicked thing to think. You always seem like a warm and thoughtful person here, so I'm sure you are a great mum. The everyday stuff gets on top of me too and I seem to fail at the simplest things, routinely. It is a grind but don't be ground down.

Wonderstuff · 01/12/2009 11:35

Dont beat yurself up. We all have shit days. Good enough is fine, as long as children are not being neglected you are doing ok, really.

GooseyLoosey · 01/12/2009 11:38

Children need a mother who loves them much more than they need one with "feck" (always wondered what exactly that was).

You may think you are rubbish at all aspects of your life but you are not rubbish at loving them.

I can come an kick you if it would make you feel better.

Original poster
MitchyInge · 01/12/2009 11:39

thanks for being nice

nice is underrated sometimes and goes a long way doesn't it?

scary how easy it is lose perspective if enough minor things pile up at once

OP posts:
Original poster
MitchyInge · 01/12/2009 11:40

does anyone else ever think 'if I'd died when they were little they might have been adopted by a fabulous family and had a much better life?'

OP posts:
diddl · 01/12/2009 11:46

Not exactly, but I do sometimes think if I just walked away everyone would be happier.

I feel that I cause/fuel/react to arguments really badly.

Deadworm · 01/12/2009 11:47

It isn't something I've thought about. But of course it is true. They might have been adopted by far better people than me. Or by far worse people. You are good enough, for sure. And so many adopted children feel a yearning for their biological parents, even in wonderful adopted homes. So you would certainly not be doing them a favour by not being around.

CMOTdibbler · 01/12/2009 11:47

Thats a bit like thinking 'oh, if I'd only told feckless bloke to f off/ not gone out that night/ paid more attention in maths/dressed more modestly (delete as appropriate and add as wished), then everything else in my life would have worked out perfectly' isn't it ?

Somedays it all just gets too much to cope with, and you can't see your way out. Give yourself a breather and a mini treat, even if it's just a bar of chocolate and a sulk on a park bench (for some reason I find letting myself have a sulk about the world gets rid of it), then make a list and attack the stuff

Wonderstuff · 01/12/2009 11:51

No, they are definitly definitly better off with you. I teach secondary and have had many kids pass through my care who didn't have mum at home, they don't often have a fabulous life, in fact I can think of only one who has a lovely adopted mother, there are a few who really would be better off without their parents, but only because said parents are unable/unwilling to feed, clean and love their children, strangly these parents (the truely shite ones) don't give their parenting style a second thought.

You're doing grand, being a mum is the hardest job in the world.

Booyhoo · 01/12/2009 11:57

mitchy i have often felt like that but the one thing that scares me most in life is if i died, what would happen to my children? who would know thier favourite stories? or how they like their weetabix or that ds1 likes the back of his neck tickled when he's tired.

i do understand how you feel but you know in your heart that they are far better off with you than anyone else.

Original poster
MitchyInge · 02/12/2009 09:19

argh at what a miserable sod I was yesterday

even if my good points don't outweigh my bad the children probably see things very differently?

OP posts:
diddl · 02/12/2009 09:25

You know that no one else would love them & care for them like you do!

Brunettelady · 02/12/2009 09:27

No I would say not. My mum left me when I was 3 or 4. After the way she treated me (which some things I do remember) it was a good thing. But I have never got over the fact that my own mum didn't want me.

Original poster
MitchyInge · 02/12/2009 09:42

brunettelady

have never ever not wanted them, only despaired at difficulties I have in imposing order, structure and routine

but, and think you are right diddl, someone quite by coincidence pointed out the pros of my fecklessness and mildly chaotic self - the fun we all have, how close we all are and the happy atmosphere in our house

am supposed to be on a shedload of meds so that could be a factor, but they bring as many problems as they are supposed to relieve so the jury is out for a bit longer on that one

OP posts:
GrendelsMum · 02/12/2009 09:48

But you do have a pretty fabulous user name, so I expect that compensates for the lack of feck (if any) in your household.

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