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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to feel like I burden the nursery workers with my child?

59 replies

gobsmackedetal · 30/11/2009 20:16

I'll try to keep this short. DD (3.4) started nursery 3 months ago. There were a few tears to start with, but I didn't think much of it, most kids there were crying and it was the firs time for her to be cared for by someone other than myself, DH, GPs or her nanny. We went through the adjustment period, like all the other children did, but as the other children were slowly adjusting, mine wasn't.

She now seems to have accepted the fact that she'll go, she still pleads in the mornings not to but goes, with a few tears. She always pees herself while in nursery, although some times she uses the toilet as well. She most of the time joins in activites that are managed by the "teacher", like singing, dancing, but she follows the teacher around and hasn't formed any bonds with any children. When I go to pick her up she never plays with the other kds, just sits in the corner looking out of the window, anxiously awaiting to be picked up. The main teacher is very nice to me, but I feel that her "helper" is getting a bit short with us as time goes by (possibly because she's always the one to change DDs wet clothes).

I feel that the situation is beyond normal. I am well read concerning parenting, I've tried several ways to help DD, anything any book has eevr suggested, she just doesn't seem to want to be at nursery.

I know for a fact she well cared for there. She was now given a line to sya in the christmas play and I know she's not going to (forgot to mention she hasn't spoken to ehr teachers yet, although she's a little pleasant chatterbox when with us). The teachers have to involve her in everything they do, but she refuses to take part or talk to them, making their lives and the lives of the other children more difficult.

AIBU to feel terrible about her behaviour and like I'm burdening them with my child? I hate droping off/picking her up now because I don't want to look at them (although I'm sure they'd never say anything bad -but it only takes two braincells to understand how difficult dd makes their day)

PS: She only goes 5 hours a day, 5 days a week and that's the minimum we can do. Can't afford a child psychologist and I keep saying to myself we don't need one, but deep down I think we do

OP posts:

rookiemater · 30/11/2009 20:18

What do the teachers say about her behaviour ?

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 30/11/2009 20:20

I think whether or not she's burdoning the teachers should be the least of your worries.

She sounds so unhappy

pottycock · 30/11/2009 20:20

Poor little soul - the situation won't get any better if she is picking up on your discomfort and their silent frustration. Are you sure there is nothing else bothering her, it all sounds a bit worrying to me - does she wet herself at home when she is unhappy?

sarah293 · 30/11/2009 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

gobsmackedetal · 30/11/2009 20:21

well, the main teacher says she's seen worse, but she used to say this until about a months ago. Haven't dared to speka to her since, but I can't imagine she still has the same opinion. I mean, it has been three months!

OP posts:

pottycock · 30/11/2009 20:23

You really, really need to get over your self consciousness and talk to her teachers about this - surely dialogue with those caring for your child is imperative in this situation.

Surely that's one of the first rules of 'parenting'.

purepurple · 30/11/2009 20:23

YABU
I am a nursery worker and everything you haqve described is normal.
If she needs a pyschologist, the nursery will refer her, you don't need to pay (I presume you are in the UK).
Children are just different but we cope.
Please don't worry too much, there is still time to make progress with her speaking before she goes to school.
Lots of children behave like this at nursery, it's just their way of coping.

rookiemater · 30/11/2009 20:24

Well three months isn't a long time if your DD isn't used to being looked after by others and they are such sensitive souls at that age.

She is young for proper play with other children, DS only mentions one boy he plays with at nursery and that is because he plays with him already as he lives beside the childminder.

Seriously you know what you need to do. Arrange an appointment to speak to the teachers, they appear to be very switched on and see what they recommend.

Original poster

gobsmackedetal · 30/11/2009 20:27

Purepurple, thank you so much!! This is really helpful. I'm sitting here with tears rolling down my eyes, feeling so desperate. You're syaing then she's not alone? PLease do tell me more if you have a bit of time...

OP posts:

geordieminx · 30/11/2009 20:27

I know its not favoured on MN but would you consider putting her in pull-ups? Might solve that problem for a while.

I tried to get ds into nursey 6 months ago, although he was only just 2 at the time, and we had a horrible time - he didnt settle at all, ended up sacking it, for his case and mine. Sorry that isnt particularly helpful is it?

Is there anyway that you could try her with a childminder instead? Or stay with her for a little while? Different nursery?

If you talk to her about it what does she say?

FWIW, I'm no expert, but I really dont think that she needs a child psycholigist, I think its just the way some kids are - ds has never been left with anyone other than grandparents, as I'm a SAHM, and I envisage that we'll have the same problems when he starts nursery.

I guess a starting point would be to speak to the nursery, tell them what you have told us?

Original poster

gobsmackedetal · 30/11/2009 20:29

But all the other children seem to play with each other apart from her. She metnions their names at home and describes them and talks about them very lovingly, but even when they try to talk to and play with her she won't.

BTW, I meant to thank everyone for your responses, I think I need a good kick up the arse!

OP posts:

domesticextremist · 30/11/2009 20:29

um does she have to go if shes so unhappy? [apologies if I've missed something]

Tolalola · 30/11/2009 20:31

Agree with TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied.

Have you read a book called 'The Science of Parenting' by Margot Sunderland? Some useful stuff about seapration issues and nursery.

Original poster

gobsmackedetal · 30/11/2009 20:34

I know I should worry more about her than the teachers, but I'd hate for people to think I'm being precious about my children, never have been and never will be. This is probably one of the reasons I'm hesitant about talking to them.

OP posts:

purepurple · 30/11/2009 20:36

gobsmackedetal, no the children don't all play with each other.
Some children cope better than others. Some children are anxious and some hardly ever speak.
have you heard of selective mutism? It is quite common in small children.
info here
The best place to start is to talk to the nursery, they will be able to refer her to outside agencies for assessment ( if needed).

cheesefarmer · 30/11/2009 20:42

If I was you I would discuss with the nursery manager and key worker and ask for progress updates every time you go to pick her up. They need to be helping her to settle in.

I'd also try to make sure that she wasn't feeling anxious about anything at all there. have you asked her?

thisisyesterday · 30/11/2009 20:43

i agree with totallyandutterly, she sounds so very unhappy.
sorry if this sounds harsh, but i really cannot imagine why anyone would keep sending their child to a place that makes them unhappy and results in them wetting themselves, where they've resigned themselves to the fact they have to go, but won't talk to anyone?

she "only" goes 5 hours a day 5 days a week????? that's a hell of a lot of time to be not particularly happy for isn't it?

you don't need a child psychologist, you need to take her out and keep her at home with you. or find alternative childcare where she is happier

DaisymooSteiner · 30/11/2009 20:50

Is she at nursery because you're working?

25 hours a week is quite a lot when you're a 3 yo used to being with family/nanny, especially as nursery is going to be a very different experience for her. Can you reduce her hours and see if that helps? Also agree that you need to speak to the staff.

monkeyfacegrace · 30/11/2009 20:53

I agree with yesterday. Thats not "only", thats a hell of a lot. Poor mite, she doesnt kick and scream as he seems to have given up. Shes too young to be put through this, find a childminder or change nursery. I hated nursery when I was little, I have my worst memorys from being 3 and left there.

emsyj · 30/11/2009 20:55

Maybe I'm incredibly naive (currently preg with first DC) but if purepurple is right and this is 'normal', and nursery nurses think this level of unhappiness is perfectly acceptable and just a 'way of coping' (coping with LIFE? Because let's face it, 5 hours a day for 5 days every week is the majority of the OP's little girl's day to day life) then I pray that DH and I will find a way to avoid sending our DC to a nursery.

I am that she is so unhappy. There must be some way to find out why she feels this way and sort it out. I may be alone in thinking this, but IMO 3 months is really quite a long time. That would seem like a lifetime to a young child surely? Will watch this thread with interest for any useful advice about children adjusting to different types of childcare etc as we are already talking about what to do when it comes time for me to return to work.

Original poster

gobsmackedetal · 30/11/2009 20:58

emsyj, you don't need to worry about this yet, wait to see what your child will be like. My 19mo DS can't wait to go to nursery every morning. Once he's dressed he takes his little bag and anxiously awaits by the door. I drop him off, he turns around, says "bye-bye"and off he goes to play. He only kicks up a fuss when I go to pick him up

OP posts:

defineme · 30/11/2009 20:58

With those hours she's essentially doing just about a whole school day at the age of 3. I think if she doesn't have to go that much then take her out and start again later/reduce her hours/change to a childminder.

She just sounds so unhappy - I would be talking to the teacher a lot if it were me.

FedUpWithRainyDevon · 30/11/2009 21:01

Either a) have a serious heart to heart with the staff, maybe they can really focus on helping her and getting to the heart of the problem or b) get her out of there. It's not fair for such a little thing to have to stay there because you are worrying about being precious about your children.

I don't mean to sound harsh but it's not like she has to attend, like school - this is something that is allowing you to work presumably - but this is more important surely?

3 months is long enough to try and let the problem work itself out, action is needed now.

TotalChaos · 30/11/2009 21:03

if you don't put your own child's needs first as her mother, who will? please stop worrying about her making staff/lives of other children more difficult. that's not your problem, the staff as professionals will deal with all sorts of personalities as part of the job, and young children are IME surprisingly accepting of difference. possibly another nursery or a childminding setting might suit her better. don't see it as her being a nuisance - see it as the nursery needing to tell you how they are going to help your DD through her anxiety in the nursery setting.

ProfYaffle · 30/11/2009 21:03

Oh poor little girl, that's so sad

Please speak to the nursery. My dd2 has been going to a fabulous nursery since she was a year old, at 2.5 she moved up into the 'big' room in September but has struggled to settle. As soon as I realised she was unhappy rather than just a bit moany I arranged a meeting with the nursery manager (who is also her key worker)

They have bent over backwards with a plan to help her settle and, touch wood, so far it's working. She's got a couple of little friends and seems so much happier (though still a tad moany on occasion!) she comes out at the end of the day full of chatter and fizz about what she's been up to.

Please speak to nursery, make a plan and put a time limit on it. If she's not cheered up by Xmas, look for alternative care.

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