...to feel like I burden the nursery workers with my child?

[gobsmackedetal]

I'll try to keep this short. DD (3.4) started nursery 3 months ago. There were a few tears to start with, but I didn't think much of it, most kids there were crying and it was the firs time for her to be cared for by someone other than myself, DH, GPs or her nanny. We went through the adjustment period, like all the other children did, but as the other children were slowly adjusting, mine wasn't.

She now seems to have accepted the fact that she'll go, she still pleads in the mornings not to but goes, with a few tears. She always pees herself while in nursery, although some times she uses the toilet as well. She most of the time joins in activites that are managed by the "teacher", like singing, dancing, but she follows the teacher around and hasn't formed any bonds with any children. When I go to pick her up she never plays with the other kds, just sits in the corner looking out of the window, anxiously awaiting to be picked up. The main teacher is very nice to me, but I feel that her "helper" is getting a bit short with us as time goes by (possibly because she's always the one to change DDs wet clothes).

I feel that the situation is beyond normal. I am well read concerning parenting, I've tried several ways to help DD, anything any book has eevr suggested, she just doesn't seem to want to be at nursery.

I know for a fact she well cared for there. She was now given a line to sya in the christmas play and I know she's not going to (forgot to mention she hasn't spoken to ehr teachers yet, although she's a little pleasant chatterbox when with us). The teachers have to involve her in everything they do, but she refuses to take part or talk to them, making their lives and the lives of the other children more difficult.

AIBU to feel terrible about her behaviour and like I'm burdening them with my child? I hate droping off/picking her up now because I don't want to look at them (although I'm sure they'd never say anything bad -but it only takes two braincells to understand how difficult dd makes their day)

PS: She only goes 5 hours a day, 5 days a week and that's the minimum we can do. Can't afford a child psychologist and I keep saying to myself we don't need one, but deep down I think we do

This is very sad. but also very normal.

I am really suprosed though that you feel like you are burdening Nursery, SOD THEM! your daughter is more important.

Life is a bitch, we all know but I think 3 is young to learn this bitter lesson TBH

not all people are mixers/sociable and it could be that the Nursery is just too much for her. There are other options such a childminders where she would be in a more one-on-one environment.

Whilst this is normal, she is obv very sad so please put aside any concerns re what Nursery think and have a stright conversation about whether she has a long term happy future there

hi all,

I saw the key worker at drop off and arranged an appointment with her for tonight. She was lovely and reassuring in th short conversation we had. I think my problme is with her helper which my daughter seems not to like particularly and to be honest I can't blame her. She always seems unwilling to talk to me about how DDs day was, when i try to approach her she makes herself busy and her replies to any questions I have are always very short (one word if possible) after which she walks off and I'd have to follow her if I needed to ask anything else. I think my DDs relationship with this worker needs to be addressed.

I'd also like to add that, like most 3yos, DD likes to control everything and have things go her way all the time, something I have to thank her nanny for. Obviously it is the easy way to deal with a child in the short term, but that wasn't teaching her anything.

To answer somw questions:

I have said before that my DS is nursery and he loves it.

I always put my children first, if I was so concerned about my convinience I wouldn't have had children at all.

I'd liek to see if she can somehow fit into nursery and be happy with it, because in 18 months time she has to go to school, in a much more structured and official environment So our thought was that nursery might ease her into that (she has always -since birth- been very wary of other children, even those of close friends of ours that we see often. I don't think this has anything to do with our parenting because we're the same parents to our very different little boy). BWT, at home she's really bossy with her brother and tries to get him in trouble.

To be honest I think a lot of our problems stem from bad previous childcare. I see a little girl who will push and push because shé desperate for boundaries. Until recently she had (unbeknown to me) two sets of rules to go by and that must have been confusing.

Anyway, I feel much more positive about it all today, will have achat with the key worker tonight and see how things really are.

Good luck, I am conscious as always that any good advice here is mixed with the usual sniping. I think it was more the content of the title, the than what you actually said! people tend to focus on that.

Plus its 1 million times harder in a different culture and language no?

GOOD LUCK, and take a deep breath!

Hi gobsmackedetal, glad you're feeling more positive - how did the meeting go? Ignore sniping, as porcamiseria said I think it was the title and everyone just wanted you to forget about being a burden and concentrate on your daughter, which you know anyway.

Hope it went well and that you've all formed an action plan to work together to make her happier, and all stick together with her boundaries etc and I'm sure she'll respond positively, good luck.

God that sounds like a difficult situation. I don't have much to add and know nothing about living in Greece. good luck being more assertive with the nursery staff. Can you "practise" with a friend - sort of role-play it. You are not being precious you are being a good mum.

If this helper is willing to be offhand with you then how on earth is she treating your child? I would have serious concerns about this woman's attitude. The nursery has a personnel problem there - not you.

I know some people will think this daft but I reckon telling your daughter in fairly simple terms that you care about her unhappiness and you are trying to help her is not a bad idea. Kids benefit from knowing that you care and that adults don't always have a magic answer.

Oh and there is a world of difference between a 3 year old and a school age child. My DD wept buckets age 3 when I left her at preschool for 5 hours a week. but it was one of those have to do preschool to get into the primary situations. She now goes 15 hours a week and adores it but she is going to school in January. Everything, language, socialisation, confidence has increased dramatically - that is mostly due to her age and not the preschool. If your DD has major anxieties around nursery now which are not addressed (and you are doing a lot already) then I think it might actually get worse when she has to go into compulsory education at 5.

Best of luck to you both

I appreciate you have a different set of circumstances, but I wanted to tell you what happened with my dd1. She went to a nursery that was supposedly the 'best' in the area, staff all very lovely etc when she was 2.5. The rule was that the children had to be potty trained and dd was in that she'd go to the loo when reminded, but not of her own accord. The nursery said this was fine and they'd remind her. Everyday I'd collect her and she'd have wet things to bring home and often be wet when I arrived. In the meantime she was completely overwhelmed by the children and would just follow one member of staff around. I wasn't happy, but like you just wondered if dd was just one of those children who took a while to settle. I was also pg and thought that perhaps I was being a bit hormonal.

After a while about four months one of the members of staff was very abrupt with me when dd had yet again wet herself. As I was very hormonal I decided that I wouldn't take her back.

A couple of weeks later I took her to a different nursery, shabbier, not so 'fabulous' looking etc. She settled in from day one, never cried, never wet herself and often asked why she couldn't go to nursery at the weekends.

So, I think that some nurseries just don't work for some children. I think my dd needed something a bit more relaxed and down to earth ( and shabby like me). I think you've given it a long time and it's time to move her. You've had a bad nanny experience, but actually it'll make you so much more careful next time.

hello, thank you for the suggestions.

I'm glad to hear that she might outgrow her anxieties around school age, because this is a major worry.

The meeting went very well, the key worker was as understanding as ever. She assured that we dont'need a psychologist and she'd definitely let us know if she thought that was the case.

She reckons, just like I do, that my DD wants attention and behaves in this way to get it. Alos I mentioned to her that rcently she has started "threatening" me in the mornings that if I take her to school she'll wet herself. The teacher told me that when dd wets herself they change her without a fuss and then she gently says "let's try to do our next wee in the toilet, that would make mummy very happy".

Two plans then, neither of us will mention the wetting situation to DD again, in order to make sure that it is not attention seeking. Form her experience, she says, if it is attention seeking and doesn't work for DD it should stop by Christmas. If it doesn't we'll talk on a new basis.

Secondly: they have several girls working there doing their practice to get their deegree as nursery workers. But being unqualified they can't be used to make up the numbers, so they're kind of extras. DD likes one of these girls a lot and I was informed that she has even talked to her a few times. Key worker is going to ask this girl to focus on DD, so that DD will feel more safe and relaxed, before this girl starts gradually letting her go.

I have asked several times DD what it is that she doesn't like about school and that maybe I could fix it if I knew, but she only says that she misses me when she's there.

Yesterday she came back with a big smile, which made me feel so much better.

Oh, and I tactfully mentioned the helpers attitude to the key worker. I kind of said that pick up IS a very busy time and when would it be a better time to get info about dd's day. She nodded, in a way like this was not news to her, and basically said that it's their job to look after the children AND the parents and that if I don't get the info I'm after and get treated nicely I should complain on the spot, not made to feel bad.

It's looking a bit better. Off to pick her up now...Let's see...

Please try and sort this out. My sister was exactly the same and it's because she's very shy, but it was never addressed and she was never helped and subsequently has never been a very good social interacter in her life. I'm sure this won't happen to your dd, but please do talk to the nursery workers.

It all sounds much more positive so fingers crossed for you both x