to only breast feed cos I feel I am forced to and not because I want to... at all..:-( warning - VERY LONG

[BarbieLovesKen]

The whole thing is really upsetting me to be honest; I think about it most days and feel really fed up about the prospect of having to breast feed.

I'm 32 weeks pregnant today.

My dd is 4 and I really wanted to breastfeed her, was sure (as she was my first) that it would all go according to my plan, read loads about the benefits of breast feeding her and lo and behold it was a complete disaster
On hindsight, I probably didn?t try hard enough , I don't know.
I didn't have a medical condition to prevent me like many on here - I just hated it. I found it hell, she was really hungry and nothing was happening. She was crying constantly and so was I. I felt so miserable I can't imagine anything worse. I gave her a bottle on day 3, in the hospital.

I was so disgusted and ashamed with myself that when we were a couple of days home, I could almost not cope with what I'd done and with the help of the public health nurse, attempted to re-lactate. I remember being so happy - that I wasn't a complete failure for about an hour - within a few days, we were both crying constantly again and I was finding it so difficult to cope. DH begged me to give dd a bottle as he thought the upset over feeding was ridiculous, that I needed a good night's sleep where he could take baby dd and that (sorry!) happy mother would = happy baby, that quite frankly both dd and I appeared miserable.

He was probably right at the time, I think what he did was right. I immediately felt such an intense wave of relief - things were going to be so much easier - and were! I could sleep, eat, and have a shower. Of course there wasn't long before I was destroyed by unbearable guilt. It completely consumed me if I'm honest.
If anyone mentioned breastfeeding to be for the first year of dds life I would burst out crying. As I have said, dd is now over 4 and I still avoid breastfeeding threads like the plague and honestly don't think I've ventured near said threads ever because I know it's just going to upset me and remind me what a failure I've been - as I've said, people have legitimate reasons for feeding not working out - mine was cos I hated it.

It's very hard to explain but the whole feelings of inadequacy that started over breastfeeding ruined the first couple of weeks of dds life for me. Don't get me wrong, I didn't experience any bonding problems, I adored her from the beginning and wondered how I had functioned without her but the first few weeks were... well - horrible

Am not sure if that's normal, the pain, tiredness etc.. or what exactly but it all seems to stem from the feeding issue. I don't know. I find it hard to admit and have never told anyone but I look back at those first few weeks with horror.

We recently stumbled across dds home baby videos and I actually found myself shuddering at the thoughts of those first few weeks. I did snap out of it though, but felt like I was in a big dark hole for a while. I found myself being stupidly uptight over things with dd though - maybe it was the whole PFB thing, I don't know but when she eventually did start solids for example, I would cry and be upset for days if I had found out that someone had given her something to eat that wasn't organic, I would also spend days researching every little decision relating to her before making a decision. I am so afraid of feeling like this again.

I know I have to breastfeed this next baby ? it's simply not an option not too as I will never forgive myself if I do this again. I am now dreading having this baby because of this. I've started to cry just as I've typed that as I know how awful it sounds. I love this baby very much. I don't need to meet him to know that but I hate being pregnant this time round - I just want to be back to myself - I've had a horrible pregnancy - with the discovery at 2 months that dh was with someone else and being bullied at work for being pregnant. I'm still extremely upset over dh and can't seem to begin to get over it. I just want to get back to myself, I've put on serious weight and want to diet and get back into nice clothes, I am desperate for a cigarette and at times would love the odd glass of wine. I feel like breastfeeding is going to stop all of this - I am aware how disgustingly selfish that is and how they are ridiculous reasons for not wanting to feed him myself. I'm studying for my degree and feel breastfeeding is going to restrict me getting to college to nights a week.

I can't wait to meet him, to hold him and snuggle him and, along with dd, the thoughts of having him to look forward to has been keeping me going the last few months. I'm shuddering at the thoughts of feeding though. I then read the "what's so hard about having a baby" in pregnancy on and off over the last few days and all the posts reminded me and reaffirmed exactly what I am dreading - those awful first few weeks - I'm worrying about how it's going to be with how I'm feeling over dh on top and every post in relation to breastfeeding was truly terrifying - bleeding, cracked nipples, sleep deprivation, mastitis....

I am a worrier by nature and tend to over think/ over analyse everything and have an obsessive nature. I berate myself a lot. Funnily enough, was on the due in Jan board earlier (lurking) and read how some are intending to formula feed (hope noone there minds me mentioning this) not for even one second did it cross my mind that these were bad mothers to be - I simply think they have lucky babies who will be loved and well cared for and can't understand why I can't adopt the same healthy and decisive attitude as them.

I'm so sorry this was so long, I dont even thing I've explained things right but as I've said I've never told anyone and even writing it down has helped.

This not going to help and I will probably get flamed for this but you know, there is no law that says you have to breastfeed... I had a similar story to yours and react very badly to bf/ff threads. DD is 22 months and the guilt is still going strong so I know how you feel.

You need to weigh up what's best for your baby and you. And if you do decide you absolutely want to bf then there are lots of people here who know lots and will point you in the right direction for help. Good luck, you sound so miserable about it, you poor thing

Oh Barbie, you sound like you need a big hug. Really, reading your post, I'm thinking how lucky your DS is to be so wanted and longed for, and how much he will be loved.

You are right that you are not a bad mother because of how you choose to feed your baby. So long as you make sure they are fed, that is all that matters.

Hope somebody wise in these matters will be along soon with some better advice.

I think its a terrible shame that you are so worked up about this. No, you do not have to breastfeed your baby.

PS Hating breastfeeding is a legitimate reason for not doing it imho. Those first few weeks with a new baby are so special, aren't they, and I can truly understand why you would want to plan (as much as you can ) to savour them to the full.

Hey. I felt the same after DD. Don't beat yourself up!!! I went through hell too and sounds very similar. Couldn't get latch on and I was OBSESSED for weeks. Ended up using shields which was a disaster, with her losing lots of weight and me getting mastitis. Look don't stress it. Why not try it, just when baby's born, if he gets the colostrum that's great at least, if you don't feel you can carry on just try and enjoy him and ff for goodness sake, you've got dd and him to take care of now. Ignore negative comments if you get any!!

Good luck! XX

Why do you HAVE to feel guilty if you ff your baby? Is your dd bereft in some way because you did not? I bet she is thriving and so will your ds.

I really, really think you are being too hard on yourself.

If you were to answer really really honestly what do you want to do?

For instance, if you planned from the outset to bottle feed how would you feel?

Firstly, lots of sympathy as you've obviously been having a really tough time.

You didn't have a good bf experience first time around, but you need to try and stop beating yourself up about it. You are understandably anxious about the first few weeks with your newborn.

Try to get as much support lined up for the early weeks as you can. Your MW, friends and family, a bf counsellor (if you decided you want to bf) can all help. Talk about how you are feeling now and when the time comes you can have the support ready should you need it.

I'm sure others will come along with loads of good advice, but please try to go easy on yourself in the meantime.

Don't do it - you are making yourself miserable.
Enjoy your time with your son without stressing about it all - seriously! It's so not worthy tying yourself up in knots over. Some people bf, some don't. Both nourish the baby, both have advantages and disadvantages. Every baby is different, every mum is different.
Bottle feeding is not illegal and breast feeding is not mandatory.

Have a merry Christmas when it comes.
x

And no, as others have already said, you do not have to bf if you don't want to. This is your baby and you can decide to feed them whichever way you choose.

Hi Barbie - I agree with isitmeor, it sounds like you need a big real life hug. Is there anyone in real life you could chat to about this? I think it would help a lot

I found bf really difficult. I managed for quite a few months but 'managed' sums up the experience.
It wasnt easy and I never felt comfortable doing it, never felt sure of what I was doing.

Honestly dont feel so bad. It isnt worth it. Yes bf is great if you can, but if you feel this wound up by it it probably isnt worth the grief. FF isnt the end of the world.

You poor, poor thing. I had a shit time breast feeding dd for about four weeks and then it took off and I fed her for a year in the end. I never particularly liked it but did it because it seemed the right thing to do.

Then ds came along (nearly 5 years later). I loved him absolutely and completely on sight and felt blissful to be his mummy ... and had an even shitter time establishing breastfeeding. He didn't make back his birth weight till the sixth week. He is now hale and hearty and you would never know (at nearly ten months).

I'm not quite sure what I'm trying to say but I know how you feel. I only persevered both times because I am exceptionally bloody-minded - I cried oceans of tears both times and I am still not a fan of breast-feeding. The difficulty is that immediately after both most women are complete headcases for a while due to the physical, mental and hormonal upheavals and so if bf doesn't go smoothly it can seem an insurmountable problem. The big differnce the second time around was that there seem to be so many more bf support groups in my area (not just a La Leche league meeting twice a month) and they really helped me. My number one piece of advice to you would be to find out what groups there are in your area and go and speak to them NOW, tell them how you are feeling and find out what support will be available to you after the birth. Once you are sitting at home/hospital with a new baby you may be in no condition to get the right sort of help so do it while you can.

I hope you make a decison that makes you feel happy and I wish you all the best with your new family.

I'm probably going to get flamed for calling you hun, but thats what I'd call a friend who had told me your story so sorry everyone, but...

Hun, you;re not in the wrong, there is no right or wrong in the b/f vs formula debate unless a babe really, really needs one or the other. Some people prefer to b/f on health grounds, some for economy's sake, some on advice.... and likewise some prefer to formula feed for preference or personal reasons. I formula fed both my babies, they're now 12 and 14, and very healthy. Others didn't and their babes are fine too. There is no right or wrong.

I can only urge you to stop beating yourself up and go with what works best for you and your baby. I'm no expert, there will be others with far better advice than mine but I'm sure that they will all say the same as me, regardless of whether they b/f or formula fed or what they believe in... and that is that you must look after yourself and your little one/s and remember that your own health and welfare is important too.

Wishing you and yours all the very best from a mum who has also done the studying whilst looking after a babe and a toddler and craved a cigarette. a glass of wine, a slimmer figure and a life of her own at the same time as loving her children.

You arren't alone hun.

Immediately after birth , that should be

How about you decide to ff but also express during the first few weeks so he gets the colostrum?

It's going to be such a lovely time, ds is clearly much loved already, you need to be kind to yourself and do what makes you happy.

I felt much the same when I was in the late stages of pregnancy with DD - bf DS was a disaster and definitely contributed to PND. When I read anything about bf up until DD was born it made me feel sick but I felt DD deserved at least the colostrum so I gave it a shot. Whether it was because she was a different baby or because I was just focussing on doing one day at a time I don't know but it was very different with her. I remember about 3 weeks in being very unsure if I wanted to continue but she started gaining loads of weight and settled between feeds and I kept going. All the nice bits about bf from 6 weeks on - no bloody sterilising bottles and ease of feeding when out starting meaning something and I ended up greast feeding her until 14 months. It was a really healing experience for me as the ghosts of "failing" with DS were slayed.

No guarantees of course but I would suggest you try and see if you manage a few days and then decide - take the whole newborn stage as a day at a time.

Good luck and if you ff so what - my DS who was ff is super intelligent, never ill and has perfect skin - DD who was is average intelligance, gets all the bugs going and has eczema.

Im sorry - Im having a problem with mumsnet tonight - not displaying poster name - am trying to get it sorted so I can reply to people individually but for the minute I dont know who Im talking to!!

Can I just say thank you all so, so, so much. I honestly expected to be told on here that I had to breastfeed and also that my reasons were a bit ridiculous. Your understanding has made me feel a little better and the fact that others have experienced similiar not completely awful.

I dont know why I have to breast feed, but feel that if I dont I will experience that awful feeling I had with dd again, that Im already failing this little person and I just cant bear that again. I feel like I know too much about the benefits and if I dont Im a bad mother.

If ff and bf were exactly the same (benefit wise) there would not be a honpe in hell that I would even consider bfing and I would actually be looking forward to this.

Ridiculous, isnt it.

Very rare to bfeed around here, very few. Many I know dont even consider for one second to breast feed including all sils and know nothing about bfing and Im almost jealous - that ignorance = bliss

I can empathise a lot with how you felt in those early days with your dd. I though I would bf ds1 (all my family bf'ed and I just assumed it was just what you did -I never even knew anyone who had ff). However, traumatic birth, ds1 very sleepy, 3 days after birth he had not taken a single feed, midwives wouldn't listen when I said he had not fed yet and put a guilt trip on me when I asked for formula. I then spent 2 months or so endlessly pumping in order to feed him breastmilk. In hindsight it was stupid because all that time I was spending pumping could have been spent on actually enjoying my baby.

Anyway, I had kind of geared myself up to the same experience with ds2, yet I bf'ed him till 13 months.

Just because it has not gone well once does not mean it won't go well again. Just try it and it you hate it, well, your dd has thrived on formula hasn't she? It's not poison and your ds will be fine whether you bf or ff. It may be a cliche, but the most important thing is that they are loved.

sorry, my apalling typing skills again "and if you hate it"

Oh my. I am the biggest advocate of breastfeeding - but absolutely NOT if you're getting this stressed already.

I've had 4 children. I expressed with the first (she was in hosp), bottle fed the next (he had tongue tie), breastfed the third (it was absolute agony but don't regret it) and breastfed the fourth (and it was wonderful).

All such different experiences.

Your baby. Your choice. Concentrate on you and stop this becoming an issue.

i don;t know where people get the idea that MN is wholly against bottle feeding babies.

a few things- you don't have to entirely breast feed or bottle feed. there are many women that combine.

you could also try expressing and bottle feeding.

many MANY women go through this and not one of them is a failure.

both my babies were breastfed and one has many of the allergies that breastfeeding issupposed to provide some protection against... it's not a dead cert that all breastfed babies are set for life while formula fed babies are stunted. almost an entire generation of babies were bottle fed in the 70s/80s.

have you ever had counselling for anxiety/obsessive thinking patterns? it would be a very good idea to pursue some cognitive counselling particularly as it's great for undoing entrenched negative thinking.

you sound like a lovely mum who wants the best for her babies but you need to be kinder to YOURSELF.

give yourself permission to enjoy the beginning of your babies lives.

If you are going to breastfeed I would suggest you see a very skillful and sensitive breastfeeding counsellor for some counselling sessions before your baby is born, and then again for help to get bf established as smoothly as possible after birth. Honestly it sounds to me like you are experiencing some sort of phobia about feeding your baby, and you need to either start work on overcoming it, or make a decision that you won't breastfeed, and try to come to terms with it.

As far as the not smoking/drinking, and getting out to college issue - these things aren't really relevant. You can smoke, drink (within reason) and leave your baby and still breastfeed - you just have to be a little smart about it.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

BLK a good mum isnt defined by mode of feeding.
dont beat yourself up,give love,give affirmation,dont get hung up on this sole issue

Barbie sorry you had such a dreadful time last time. You will be ok this time - because you're going to make decisions and be in control (and I suspect that's what made you feel worst last time if you're anything like me).

You know if I was in your shoes this is what I'd do:

Give the breastfeeding a go. But put a time limit on it so you know you tried your best but don't keep on struggling indefinitely. I'd also get an electric pump so I could express if I needed to, as that's another option and your DH could share some of the feeding.

The other thing I'd tell you is that it does not have to be an all or nothing thing. You don't need to breastfeed for every feed. It's ok not to if that's what you want to do. I wish someone had told me that when I was struggling in the beginning. By giving him formula I was able to extend my breast feeding of DS.

Equally it's ok to decide to formula feed.

There are no medals for exclusively breastfeeding, drug-free births or any of those other things we sometimes beat ourselves with as mothers.

Op, you have so much positive support here, and I'm so pleased. PLEASE, don't beat yourself up, you know that it's not a given.

I tried bf myself, it didn't work, just didn't happen and I had to switch to ff. Can honestly say I never really enjoyed it and once I'd made the decision to go along with the midwives advice, and to ff, I didn't look back.

on a lighter note, if ff leads to stunted babies, in my case, thank GOD, cos if DS were any less stunted, he'd be wearing clothes 5years above his age, as opposed to his now wearing 5-6 yrs when he's only about to turn 4 in a couple of weeks time...

CBT would be highly beneficial to you, I agree with previous poster.

blk do what you have to do,cut self some slack have a glass of wine reflect upon your achievements. don't detract and beat self up with what if's