to only breast feed cos I feel I am forced to and not because I want to... at all..:-( warning - VERY LONG

[BarbieLovesKen]

The whole thing is really upsetting me to be honest; I think about it most days and feel really fed up about the prospect of having to breast feed.

I'm 32 weeks pregnant today.

My dd is 4 and I really wanted to breastfeed her, was sure (as she was my first) that it would all go according to my plan, read loads about the benefits of breast feeding her and lo and behold it was a complete disaster
On hindsight, I probably didn?t try hard enough , I don't know.
I didn't have a medical condition to prevent me like many on here - I just hated it. I found it hell, she was really hungry and nothing was happening. She was crying constantly and so was I. I felt so miserable I can't imagine anything worse. I gave her a bottle on day 3, in the hospital.

I was so disgusted and ashamed with myself that when we were a couple of days home, I could almost not cope with what I'd done and with the help of the public health nurse, attempted to re-lactate. I remember being so happy - that I wasn't a complete failure for about an hour - within a few days, we were both crying constantly again and I was finding it so difficult to cope. DH begged me to give dd a bottle as he thought the upset over feeding was ridiculous, that I needed a good night's sleep where he could take baby dd and that (sorry!) happy mother would = happy baby, that quite frankly both dd and I appeared miserable.

He was probably right at the time, I think what he did was right. I immediately felt such an intense wave of relief - things were going to be so much easier - and were! I could sleep, eat, and have a shower. Of course there wasn't long before I was destroyed by unbearable guilt. It completely consumed me if I'm honest.
If anyone mentioned breastfeeding to be for the first year of dds life I would burst out crying. As I have said, dd is now over 4 and I still avoid breastfeeding threads like the plague and honestly don't think I've ventured near said threads ever because I know it's just going to upset me and remind me what a failure I've been - as I've said, people have legitimate reasons for feeding not working out - mine was cos I hated it.

It's very hard to explain but the whole feelings of inadequacy that started over breastfeeding ruined the first couple of weeks of dds life for me. Don't get me wrong, I didn't experience any bonding problems, I adored her from the beginning and wondered how I had functioned without her but the first few weeks were... well - horrible

Am not sure if that's normal, the pain, tiredness etc.. or what exactly but it all seems to stem from the feeding issue. I don't know. I find it hard to admit and have never told anyone but I look back at those first few weeks with horror.

We recently stumbled across dds home baby videos and I actually found myself shuddering at the thoughts of those first few weeks. I did snap out of it though, but felt like I was in a big dark hole for a while. I found myself being stupidly uptight over things with dd though - maybe it was the whole PFB thing, I don't know but when she eventually did start solids for example, I would cry and be upset for days if I had found out that someone had given her something to eat that wasn't organic, I would also spend days researching every little decision relating to her before making a decision. I am so afraid of feeling like this again.

I know I have to breastfeed this next baby ? it's simply not an option not too as I will never forgive myself if I do this again. I am now dreading having this baby because of this. I've started to cry just as I've typed that as I know how awful it sounds. I love this baby very much. I don't need to meet him to know that but I hate being pregnant this time round - I just want to be back to myself - I've had a horrible pregnancy - with the discovery at 2 months that dh was with someone else and being bullied at work for being pregnant. I'm still extremely upset over dh and can't seem to begin to get over it. I just want to get back to myself, I've put on serious weight and want to diet and get back into nice clothes, I am desperate for a cigarette and at times would love the odd glass of wine. I feel like breastfeeding is going to stop all of this - I am aware how disgustingly selfish that is and how they are ridiculous reasons for not wanting to feed him myself. I'm studying for my degree and feel breastfeeding is going to restrict me getting to college to nights a week.

I can't wait to meet him, to hold him and snuggle him and, along with dd, the thoughts of having him to look forward to has been keeping me going the last few months. I'm shuddering at the thoughts of feeding though. I then read the "what's so hard about having a baby" in pregnancy on and off over the last few days and all the posts reminded me and reaffirmed exactly what I am dreading - those awful first few weeks - I'm worrying about how it's going to be with how I'm feeling over dh on top and every post in relation to breastfeeding was truly terrifying - bleeding, cracked nipples, sleep deprivation, mastitis....

I am a worrier by nature and tend to over think/ over analyse everything and have an obsessive nature. I berate myself a lot. Funnily enough, was on the due in Jan board earlier (lurking) and read how some are intending to formula feed (hope noone there minds me mentioning this) not for even one second did it cross my mind that these were bad mothers to be - I simply think they have lucky babies who will be loved and well cared for and can't understand why I can't adopt the same healthy and decisive attitude as them.

I'm so sorry this was so long, I dont even thing I've explained things right but as I've said I've never told anyone and even writing it down has helped.

Sorry - wanted to add, that if anyone expressed deep anxiety and sadness at the thought of performing any other normal physiological function, (like having sex for eg.), I imagine almost every response would raise the issue of psychological help/counselling. It makes me sad that so few posts on this thread consider that the OP's fear of bf is something that might be addressed and perhaps overcome with the right sort of help.

"There are no medals for exclusively breastfeeding, drug-free births" - no medals, but other major, major benefits for mum and baby. Let's not kid ourselves that these things don't matter to anyone.

There may be health benefits for the baby if you breastfeed but you are going to have to balance that up with the health benefits for you if you don't too.

If you are already this stressed i would say breastfeeding is too high a price to pay for the upset you are going to cause yourself, your dd and your new baby - the physical health benefits to the baby really are only one part of a much bigger picture here.

I ff both my babies from minute one and feel no guilt/shame/pride - they were fed and that's that. Why don't you prepare to ff and then if bf feels like something you want to try - go for it, if not - just don't. (And no one will be able to tell how you fed your children, the same as no one cares at what age they started walking, saying mum or any of the other things we get so hung up on when they are babies!)

Oh goodness - your poor thing. You shouldn't be stressing out about this in the last few weeks of your pregnancy.

You're making it far too hard on yourself. Take the pressure off. If you really feel that you want to breastfeed, then make an agreement with yourself, that you will try for a set period of time - whatever you are comfortable with even if it is only three days. And then if it doesn't work, give yourself permission to stop.

Some women find breastfeeding hard - they just do. It's not a failure by any stretch of the imagination. And I'm really pro-breastfeeding, I thought I'd hate it and was still at it 15 months later.

But it can be difficult to establish and it shouldn't be at the expense of your mental health and your experience with your baby.

And you know, as has been said, you might have a totally different experience and find it easier this time round. Plus you can combine breastfeeding and bottle feeding. I went back to work when my baby was 10 months old, so I didn't have a choice - it can be done. You can also have a glass of wine on occasion if you want to.

Be kind to yourself, above all. You've had a lot to deal with. Your baby will get fed one way or the other - he'll be fine whatever you decide.

Yeah really helpful standanddeliver. As you have pointed out she is expressing "deep anxiety". So let's make her feel worse yes?

I don't think anyone's said there isn't any evidence regarding breastfeeding being the preferred option... but that's what it is. An option.

FFS

I had an horrendous time b/fing DD1 and gave up after 3 weeks. I felt a faliure the whole time with both of us crying and her losing a lot a weight. The relief I felt when I switched to ff was immense.

I stopped beating myself up with DD2 and bought bottles and formula in advance so that I had the choice. I gave her one feed of colostrum in the hospital and all the feelings of dread that I'd had with DD1 came flooding back, so when I went home later that day I steralised 6 bottles and gave her ff from then on.

I was a completely different person second time around and enjoyed her from the start. My DDs are 15 and 12, are both beautiful, bright,healthy girls and have had no real health problems/allergies,etc.

You DO NOT have to breastfeed if you don't really want to.

The only advice I'd give to you is be open minded. Have your bottles and formula ready, but give b/fing a go if you want to when he arrives. Follow your heart and you won't go wrong.

good mother isnt defined by mode of feeding.
your love and affirmation and cuddles is great start.value yourself as the mother you are

You sound like a fantastic Mum and there is plenty more to being a Mum than breastfeeding. If you were to go around and select who was breastfed and who was formula fed I'm guessing you wouldn't be able to.

The first few weeks can be bloody difficult. I was screaming in pain because my son couldn't latch on properly. I said many times that that was the last time. When he had growth spurts I gave him formula and expressed to increase my supply and also make sure he was getting enough. I just took it all as it came and played it by ear and he is and always has been the most laid back little chap. With my daughter (first born) she ate and ate and we stressed and I felt pressured. That's not to say either way is right or wrong but it just felt much easier taking things as they came (I was prepared to go to full time formula if it came to it).
I know it won't help if I say it, but please don't stress yourself. You don't know what your baby will be like yet but wait to meet him and see how it goes.

.enjoy being the mum you are not an idealised fantasy

dont let mode of feeding cloud motherhood.do what you can.it isnt a competition,being a mum is the deep emotional lingering eye gaze,and cuddles,ednjot however you chose to feed

Hi Barbie, I'm new to MN but am so moved by your post that I wanted to replie. My DD is 3 now but I bf her for the first 8 mnths, Im not sure if it's goin to help to tell you this but for about the first 4 months I hated bf and the first few weeks entailed me dreading feeds and then sobbing like a loon while she fed. It was painful for quite a while and I was constantly deciding that I'd had enuff and she was goin on the bottle! Then one day whilst sobbing to my aunt about not feeling like a good mother she said "all you need to do is be you and that will make you the best mother DD can ever have because you will be happy"
What I'm trying to say is - as mums we will always feel guilty no matter what we do, (I think it just comes with the job)
but once you start to ease sum of the pressure that you put on yourself, you realise that you have an entire life time to love your children and bf or bottle feedin is such a short part of that. It's not selfish if you feel that bf would make you miserable and that you could be a better mum if you bottle fed. I no it's easy to say all of this when your not going thru it, but you sound like a great mum and what ever you decide will be the right choice. Take care xxxx

Look into going for counselling, definitely. You really need someone to talk through all your upset and anxieties with - about your DH as well as the past bf experience etc. The most important thing is to be at peace with yourself - as an individual and a mum - and clearly you are not at the moment.

As has been said, bf is not the be all and end all. It's also worth remembering though that it might be totally different this time. I like the suggestion of having a time limit and then accepting you will move on if it's not working. Good luck with it all.

I had almost exactly the same experience with my DD (now 5). I had read all the literature and had decided to breastfeed. Bought the bf bra and the pump. Well, I managed for a week, but that was a week of me sitting there for an hour each time while she was feeding in complete floods of tears solely because of the pain. I loved her to bits and when she was asleep I could just sit and look at her for hours and plan our life together but then she woke up and I was like "oh, its awake", I dreaded it. On day 7, my bf came around with some formula and said that I shouldn't feel guilty if I couldn't do it so she would leave the milk just in case. That night I decided to use it and never looked back. During the first week I was so concerned that I might have PND but overnight my happiness returned. Sure, I have my guilty moments when I think that maybe I should have tried harder but you know, she is so healthly and fun loving. If I had carried on b/f, she could have become withdrawn and moody after picking up on my upset.

When I was pg with my DS, I too worried about the b/f, much more than the labour and decided that I was going to give him a week as I had my DD, that way he got the good stuff. As it turned out, he wouldn't take to it at all. Just goes to show that life doesn't go to plan, but sometimes thats ok.

Don't feel like you have to do it for DS, he just wants his mum to be happy.

midwives should really warn mums to be about how fucking agonisingly painful breastfeeding can be in the first few weeks.

i think they don't want to put people off but that backfires as the mums who stop due to the pain equate it with being a failure. if they were warned they might not take it so personally.

both times for me it was lanisoh, applied religously after feeds and airing my mams regularly that got me through it. i was on the verge of giving up both times when it became bearable.

OP, keep writing about it and talking about it- it'll make the whole issue less of an internal struggle and put it more into proportion.

you sound like you did not have much knowledgeable support the first time round. it is not good enough for MW to tell mums how great bfing is but then be totally unable (due to time and lack of knowledge) to offer genuine empathy and support.

I am sorry you had such a rubbish time the first time round. Like you I also had a visceral reaction to wanting to breastfeed. Health benefits Logic and reason had no part in it.

Having no role models around you certainly played a big part in your confusion and suffering. So I really really urge you to go to a breastfeeding support group now in order to ease your fears, to have a support system now and to see and talk to real people who are doing it and are better informed about it than your family and friends. This can be your line to success.

I think speaking to a counsellor now is a great idea. You need to talk through some of your anxieties now and rationalise 'what went wrong' from an informed POV so that you can feel better prepared with your new baby.

Guilt is such a useless emotion and women are experts at blaming themselves. Guilt is for those who knew better but failed to act on it. You really should be feeling anger at the midwives and health visitors who saw you struggling for days and did not do pass on the information that would have made breastfeeding better for you. It is part of their job description to be informed about breastfeeding and many of them have no intention of ever updating their knowledge.

The Sure Start center in your local area should have a breastfeeding group. Many hospitals also have the scheme. I think they are called 'Bosom Buddies' but someone may correct me on who runs that scheme.

There is also groups run by La Leche League and the National Childbirth Trust which has branches in most areas. there is also Babycafes in many cities. Depending on where you are you may find another group led by the Association of Breastfeeding Mothers and the Breastfeeding Network. If you say vaguely where you are living, someone on here may be able to point you in the right direction. But remember, Google is your friend.

toally agree with foxytoxin ref lack of support.
When I had DC1 (16 years ago - god I feel old) I had no support at all and was in tears trying to b/f and ended up giving up after a few days as I just couldn't do it and he was losing weight.
When I had DC2 3 years later I had a fabulous midwife who was a breast feeding counsellor. She was brilliant and would literally grab my boob and shove it in DDs mouth and stayed with me until we go the hang of it. Yes, it was painful at times and uncomfortable but we stuck with it. I then b/f DCs 3 and 4 and in fact DC 4 is chomping away now as I type (yes, I have HUGE age gaps)
Am I right in thinking you are in the ME? (Its either you or someone with a very similar name) If so, then you probably don't have access to all the great support networks that are in the UK but you can still hopefully find some support. I had DCs 3 and 4 in the ME and found it frustrating that the nurses kept trying to take them away to the nursery and give them a bottle but stuck to my guns and eventually banned the nursery nurses from my room.

The key to it all though is you being relaxed and happy. If you are not, then your baby will pick up on it. If its not for you then its not for you and there is not point making yourself ill over it.
I struggled the first few days with all of mine but stuck with it and on occasions they did have a bottle of formula too. This was good in that it gave me time to rest a little too as DH could do his 'share'.
Try and find some support out there now in advance of baby arriving and give it a go but if its too much then at least you will have tried.

Good luck

I am going to tell you a positive story.

I could have written your op regarding bf. But.........the guilt I felt about (what I perceived) as my 'failure' to bf disappeared when I had dd2.

I was so anxious, tearful, worried in the weeks before dd2 was born - I thought about seeing a counsellor to try to talk out all my bf anxiety. One of the reasons behind my wanting an elective c-section was so that I woudl be fully aware of things post birth (I wasn't with dd1) so that I could give bf a decent go.

But I was dreading trying to bf again.

So dd2 was born - I got lots of support before and after the birth about bf. THe mw's were great (I told them all about my extreme anxiety about it), went to the bf clinic, and posted about it on MN!

No-one put any pressure on me. Amazingly the bf went well at first. But 2 weeks in and the same spiral of pain and fear happened all over again. I gave it my best shot but when I realised I was crying every day about bf I made myself take a good look at where I was. I had a happy bouncy toddler and a beautiful new baby and I did not want to spend the first few months of dd2s life crying and feeling guilty. The black hole I had been in for the first 6 months of dd1's life was not somewhere I wanted to go again.

So - I switched to ff.

I didn't feel guilty this time round. I felt very sad that it hadn't worked again - but I was at peace with my decision. The overwhelming feeling of guilt I had with dd1 just didn't take over this time round.

So - make a decision that is right for you and your family - whether that is ff from the begining, only bf for the first few days, expressing the colostrum or giving bf another go. Just hold in your head that you will not go back to the dark place you were in with your dd. You are probably so much more knowledgeable about bf this time round and you will be more prepared for the hard stuff. And if it doesn't work, it doesn't work - draw a line under it.

Make sure that you tell every mw and hv how you felt first time round and get the support you need for whatever decision you make.

I was so neurotic about every little thing in dd1's life (partly pfb but also I think a bit of mild pnd). The arrival of dd2 has put a stop to it. I am so NOT neurotic about dd2 and it has curbed my neurotic tendencies over dd1.

I hope that everything goes really well for you - and keep posting on here!

BLK, does your midwife or GP know you feel so stressed and anxious?
What went wrong last time? was it the feeling of being tied for hours on end? or did you have pain/other problems?

But ... you're saying you weren't enjoying breastfeeding - but it doesn't sound like you managed to get it working. (For which I blame the lack of support - not you or your DD)

Anyone would hate breastfeeding if nothing seemed to be going in, and the baby was crying all the time.

It's possible that this time, things will go better, and your breastfeeding experience will be entirely different.

And of course, as everyone has said, breastfeeding is your choice - you should not do it if you don't want to.

Morning Barbie - just checking in to see how you're doing, and glad you've found the support you've had so far helpful.

I wanted to say how impressed I am that you've succeeded in making so many beneficial changes for your DS already - giving up smoking in particular is a huge achievement and I suspect much more significant than whatever choice you make about mode of feeding. Also well done on following the advice on drinking.

And all of this while you've obviously been going through a difficult time with your OH. Is he still around to give you support at all?

What I'm trying to say, in a waffly way, is that you have a heck of a lot on your plate already, so how about you give yourself a free pass to decide to feed DS in the way that works best for you and not feel guilty about it whatever you decide. You really have earned it.

Now for me to get shot down in flames...

There is something very, very wrong if the pressure to bf is so great that it leads to this kind of guilt and anxiety. I am fully aware of the benefits, etc, etc but choosing or needing to ff your baby does not make you a bad mother.

I seriously suggest you just see how it goes. From your post, though, it's clear that you're not likely to find that easy and I think the advice to find some sympathetic support is good. Are there NCT bf counsellors anywhere near you? I found them to be sympathetic but pragmatic.

My DD (2.2 and perfect) was ff as I had similar problems to you in hospital and then just carried on when I got home. I, however, am a contrary old bat and if I was told to ff would probably have persevered with the bf.

I hope you find the support you need to help you through this.

BF or FF, does it really matter so much to you? You may find second time around it's all a lot easier anyway....if you still feel this way when you first hold him get out the bottle.

BarbieLovesKen - DW was just the same struggled on for 4 months BF our DS1 who was a hugely hungry baby. She hated every day of it. In the end she just gave up and was happier and so was DS1. I could share the day and night feed routine using FF and it meant DW could get rest.

I just hate to read women feeling pressured either way to FF/BF. Having a new baby is hard enough without that pressure.

Barbie, you post made me feel really .

I echo what everyone else has said here.

I'd also urge you to talk to your MW or GP, as I think there's a chance you have ante-natal depression. Where I live there is a big programme to tackle it, as it's apparently as common as PND. The fact that you can list all the reasons why you shouldn't be feeling so anxious and miserable, yet still feel that way is a big flag.

Wish I could give you an UnMumsnet hug.

YOu may well find it very different with number 2, I know I did.

I was so green before I had DS1 that I really did think that birth would be a doddle (I have big hips, it would be like the TV, piece of pee, I had refused to read anything on actual birth as was too scared ), my baby would just sleep, pausing only for a gentle suckle every now and then.

With DS2 I was far more realistic and aware that even if it felt like it, this stage wouldn't last very long. So when the hoover like mouth of DS2 had me jumping off the sofa in agony (which was lovely with all the stitches), I persevered (I prob had a chocolate and demanded DH made me coffee if I am honest), because I knew it would be over in a few days.

My friend had her second not long ago, she hadn't managed to BF her first DC at all, her second is 1 years old and still being BF.
She got a lot of support, because she asked for it. She researched beforehand and in the first weeks when she thought she wouldn't be able to do it, had a lot of support and help to get her through it.

You don't have to Breastfeed, it isn't mandatory. Just make sure that if you are determined to try BF, that you get as much help and support as possible. Give yourself a good chance. You don't want to ruin those lovely first few weeks with your newborn with self-loathing and frustration.

Good luck

I agree with standanddeliver and balloonslayer. If you do want to breast feed, but don't want to feel the guilt and worry you have now, then I am begging you to talk to your midwife and ask for some counselling with a specialist. Be truly honest about the depth and seriousness of your feelings, because I suspect that this will fit the bill for antenatal depression, and there may be treatments that can help you.

If you truly in your heart don't want to breastfeed, and don't want the guilt you feel now, then again, I beg you to speak to your midwife and ask for some specialist counselling. Etc.

The thing is, you need some help with this, to support you to make the decision that is right for you, and for your new family. As Lizzylou said, you do not have to breastfeed - it is not mandatory. Please seek some help to support you at this difficult time.

BLK, I'm sad for you feeling like this.
Maybe you could express a couple of BFs a day and mix feed? I don't know how long you will continue to lactate doing that.

You don't have to breastfeed, though I understand the pressure. You sound like a brilliant mum who only wants the best.

In general, all things being equal, breast is best. However in your individual case, it's clearly not that clear cut. One size does not fit all.