to only breast feed cos I feel I am forced to and not because I want to... at all..:-( warning - VERY LONG

[BarbieLovesKen]

The whole thing is really upsetting me to be honest; I think about it most days and feel really fed up about the prospect of having to breast feed.

I'm 32 weeks pregnant today.

My dd is 4 and I really wanted to breastfeed her, was sure (as she was my first) that it would all go according to my plan, read loads about the benefits of breast feeding her and lo and behold it was a complete disaster
On hindsight, I probably didn?t try hard enough , I don't know.
I didn't have a medical condition to prevent me like many on here - I just hated it. I found it hell, she was really hungry and nothing was happening. She was crying constantly and so was I. I felt so miserable I can't imagine anything worse. I gave her a bottle on day 3, in the hospital.

I was so disgusted and ashamed with myself that when we were a couple of days home, I could almost not cope with what I'd done and with the help of the public health nurse, attempted to re-lactate. I remember being so happy - that I wasn't a complete failure for about an hour - within a few days, we were both crying constantly again and I was finding it so difficult to cope. DH begged me to give dd a bottle as he thought the upset over feeding was ridiculous, that I needed a good night's sleep where he could take baby dd and that (sorry!) happy mother would = happy baby, that quite frankly both dd and I appeared miserable.

He was probably right at the time, I think what he did was right. I immediately felt such an intense wave of relief - things were going to be so much easier - and were! I could sleep, eat, and have a shower. Of course there wasn't long before I was destroyed by unbearable guilt. It completely consumed me if I'm honest.
If anyone mentioned breastfeeding to be for the first year of dds life I would burst out crying. As I have said, dd is now over 4 and I still avoid breastfeeding threads like the plague and honestly don't think I've ventured near said threads ever because I know it's just going to upset me and remind me what a failure I've been - as I've said, people have legitimate reasons for feeding not working out - mine was cos I hated it.

It's very hard to explain but the whole feelings of inadequacy that started over breastfeeding ruined the first couple of weeks of dds life for me. Don't get me wrong, I didn't experience any bonding problems, I adored her from the beginning and wondered how I had functioned without her but the first few weeks were... well - horrible

Am not sure if that's normal, the pain, tiredness etc.. or what exactly but it all seems to stem from the feeding issue. I don't know. I find it hard to admit and have never told anyone but I look back at those first few weeks with horror.

We recently stumbled across dds home baby videos and I actually found myself shuddering at the thoughts of those first few weeks. I did snap out of it though, but felt like I was in a big dark hole for a while. I found myself being stupidly uptight over things with dd though - maybe it was the whole PFB thing, I don't know but when she eventually did start solids for example, I would cry and be upset for days if I had found out that someone had given her something to eat that wasn't organic, I would also spend days researching every little decision relating to her before making a decision. I am so afraid of feeling like this again.

I know I have to breastfeed this next baby ? it's simply not an option not too as I will never forgive myself if I do this again. I am now dreading having this baby because of this. I've started to cry just as I've typed that as I know how awful it sounds. I love this baby very much. I don't need to meet him to know that but I hate being pregnant this time round - I just want to be back to myself - I've had a horrible pregnancy - with the discovery at 2 months that dh was with someone else and being bullied at work for being pregnant. I'm still extremely upset over dh and can't seem to begin to get over it. I just want to get back to myself, I've put on serious weight and want to diet and get back into nice clothes, I am desperate for a cigarette and at times would love the odd glass of wine. I feel like breastfeeding is going to stop all of this - I am aware how disgustingly selfish that is and how they are ridiculous reasons for not wanting to feed him myself. I'm studying for my degree and feel breastfeeding is going to restrict me getting to college to nights a week.

I can't wait to meet him, to hold him and snuggle him and, along with dd, the thoughts of having him to look forward to has been keeping me going the last few months. I'm shuddering at the thoughts of feeding though. I then read the "what's so hard about having a baby" in pregnancy on and off over the last few days and all the posts reminded me and reaffirmed exactly what I am dreading - those awful first few weeks - I'm worrying about how it's going to be with how I'm feeling over dh on top and every post in relation to breastfeeding was truly terrifying - bleeding, cracked nipples, sleep deprivation, mastitis....

I am a worrier by nature and tend to over think/ over analyse everything and have an obsessive nature. I berate myself a lot. Funnily enough, was on the due in Jan board earlier (lurking) and read how some are intending to formula feed (hope noone there minds me mentioning this) not for even one second did it cross my mind that these were bad mothers to be - I simply think they have lucky babies who will be loved and well cared for and can't understand why I can't adopt the same healthy and decisive attitude as them.

I'm so sorry this was so long, I dont even thing I've explained things right but as I've said I've never told anyone and even writing it down has helped.

barbie i am sorry you feel so bad. as others have said, hopefully it will be entirely different this time.

could you try ringing one of the bf helplines? the bf counsellors are exactly that, trained counsellors. they aren't just there to help people get on with bf, will talk to you about all your feelings and help you put them in some sort of context. and this would better prepare you for when this baby comes. please do call, they have done all this training and want to help.

Barbie,
I know lots have said the same, but I had a similar time. Nightmare with my first, ended up readmitted to hosp to help with bf, ended up screaming at a midwife to fuck off, my baby, get me formula!!

The second I found out I was preg with my ds, I bought bottles and steriliser. No amount of pressure as making me change my mind. And the first few weeks were amazing! Just heated up a bottle, and watched it all sink down into his little tummy, and he is (touch wood), the healthiest little mite.

Make your decision, and then relax! At times I do regret not bf, but then think sod it, I got my body back, drank and ate what I liked, had a couple of hours out as anyone can give a bottle. If people want to call that selfish go ahead, but I am giving my kids the best childhood ever, and which milk they drank for the first 6 months really isnt that important in the story of life!

I am hugely in favour of bf, but not to the extent of making the mother stressed and unhappy. You do what suits you. We are all different and there isn't one way that suits all. Don't beat yourself up.

BLK, the guilt is pointless and dones'thelp anybody in the family.

Stock up on formula, it sounds like the best thing you can do for your son.

I have one that was exclusively ff and two that are still being bf (at 3yo and 19 months). they're all happy healthy children because I did right by them depending on the situation.

Why don't you try to forget about it. When you have your DS BFing might come naturally to you and to him. but if you have him and you feel the same way you feel now, please put that formula down his throat and get some sleep. He'll thrive on it and he'll be the best cared for baby :-)

BLK I was the same as you. I remember sobbing in the hospital at about 3am because DS was crying for a feed non-stop, and while I didn't have any probs with him latching on he just didn't seem to get anything out. I only persevered until I got home because then I was out of the way of the MWs and therefore away from the pressure.

You sound like a great mum and it saddens me so much to think that you are upset over this. We all know the benefits of BF but when thats to the detriment of your and your babies happiness then its a no-brainer to me. My DS has had one temperature and a bit of a snuffle and he is nearly 10 months now. My friends BF baby has been in hospital with various infections and has severe exczema (sp?). FF doesn't always mean you are condemning your child to a life of disease and as long as your kid is loved, fed and kept safe and warm thats all that really matters in the grand scheme of things.

People can have wonderful births and bf into toddlerhood but it doesn't make them good mothers. Don't be so hard on yourself. You could just relax, give it a try but tell yourself that if it doesn't work it isn't the end of the world.

BLK - I am only 9 weeks pregnant and feel the same as you. I tried and failed with DD, I honestly found it more painful than labour.
I was in no doubt I would BF DD. But the pain, the bleeding and the blisters, God it was awful. The second day the nurse offered me some formula as DD was so hungry and due to the pain I just kept jerking her off the breast. Even writing this now makes me feel so bloody awful and sad.

So I switched to formula and the relief from the pain was immense though the voice was in my head for months. Two days, you lasted two days you didn't even try...you gave up, you failed DD. I avoid the BF/FF threads as 3 years on they still cut very deeply.

And now pregnant again (and so so thrilled) I am already fretting over BF/FF. I have been dreaming about it and I feel sick with guilt even considering not trying again. Still I cannot shake the fear of how awful it may be. I am also thinking 'if I manage this time I will feel even more of a failure to DD'

I am rambling, sorry, but I have never spoken about this to anyone. Just wanted you to know you are not alone.

Oooh I?m very close to tears reading the responses. Thank you all so, so much. I?m still having problems with the display and cant see posters names but will be keeping this thread. I know you might think you are just responding to another thread on here but your not - reading posts here has really meant the world to me and you have really helped. xx

I think that?s part of what could have happened ? I think, being my first, I was in shock after dd, as nothing prepares you and had not expected things to be so hard at the beginning, I hadn?t expected to be in such pain or being so tired but I could have coped with that as I also hadn?t expected how much love I would feel for dd. I thought bfing was the most natural thing in the world and therefore my body would just do it ? like it had done pregnancy. Then I had read to much up about the benefits ? and knew too much about how good it was for dd and that made me feel worse for giving in.

This time Im not worried about the birth, or stitches or the sleepless nights etc..I don?t mind. Im actually looking forward to the house been brightened up with another little person. I am just terrified of feeling that way again. I honestly walked around in a daze for weeks and have never felt so low in my entire life and I firmly believe if it hadn?t been for the whole bfing issue, that wouldn?t have happened. I really did not enjoy the first few weeks of dds life ? at all ? and feel bad for having felt like that ifykim
I wish I didn?t have to make this decision ? because I would actually be looking forward to things if I didn?t have to breast feed and unfortunately, I feel that I do have to. .

As I said and I think it could be down to dh?s infidelity but I just cant wait to get back to myself. I am aware how ridiculously selfish that is but I really want my body back to myself, I want to feel mildly attractive again, if that?s possible ? I want to wear nice clothes and I want to go on a serious diet to shift some of this weight as I?ve put on an unbelievable amount and could cry when I catch my reflection now. I really want to have a friend over for a giggle and a few glasses of wine, a cigarette and chat ? I feel I?ve isolated myself from everyone throughout this pregnancy because I?m trying to focus all my time and energy on getting dh and I ok before this baby arrives and don?t have time for anyone else at the minute ? I want some of my friendships back. I have hated been pregnant this time round, because I feel out of control and vulnerable and want to be back to myself. Im looking at breastfeeding as almost an extension of being pregnant ? although he?ll be here ? I feel like Im prolonging the pregnancy because Im still so restricted.

I get a sick, nervous feeling in my stomach when I think about the first few weeks that are coming. I so excited on one hand, because I cannot wait to meet this little man, as I said, I already really do adore him but I just don?t want to feel like that again and Im worried that, I felt that awful with dd after a lovely pregnancy, when dh and I were all loved up ? surely Im going to feel even worse this time round after everything that has happened with us throughout this pregnancy ? its been horrible.

Please don't blame yourself. The blame lies squarely with the lack of support for breastfeeding and the lack of a breastfeeding culture which means you don't learn how breastfeeding works and what to do naturally by just seeing it all around you. It isn't your fault.

If you want to breastfeed now then search out as much information as you can in advance. Google babycafe and see if there is one nearby and go visit before the birth. There'll be some good support there. I think it would do you the world of good to talk through your experience with someone knowledgeable about breastfeeding no matter how you choose to feed your next baby.

There are also some good helplines you can call, try NCT or La Leche league.

Gibbon that you and BLK both feel this way. Its shite, feeding is such a small part of the bigger picture. I heard of someone who lives round here who only BF because she couldn't afford formula (carried on smoking, drinking etc), what an excellent attitude. And yet she would probably be considered a better mother than me because I FF yea, ok..........

I 'gave up' trying to BF my son the day after i got out of hospital ,it simply wasnt working for either of us ,so he was FF .I was lucky in that i felt no guilt about this whatsoever ,when he was hungry he got fed ,he was never ill and he grew up to be a happy healthy child. When my DD was born , i thought i would give Bf a try again , felt alot more relaxed ,already had bottles and formula at the ready , and lo and behold i managed to BF for 13 months .She is no healthier /brighter/bigger or smaller than my DS was . I dont feel any better for BF either ,it just worked this time round and saved me a small fortuen in formula .Babaies need to eat ,and whilst the BF mafia will tell you it is the only right thing for your child ,it really isnt , aslong as the baby is fed/loved/nutured and weaned onto a healthy diet ,there is very little difference ,if at all for most babies .If you feel that trying to BF will help you lay some demons to rest ,then by all means give it a go ,but do it in that relaxed 'well lets see if it works this time' attitude .If you believe you will be emotionally devastated if it doesnt work out ,then perhaps not even trying would be your best option, only you know the answer to that one .Good luck .

Gosh this is so sad.
TBH, when I was pregnant breast feeding hadn´t really occurred to me.

In fact I think I looked on it as something that people did when they couldn´t afford to ff

My sister had tried to bfeed and had got in a terrible state, and stopped very quickly.

So my thoughts were I´ll try & if it works great, if not, I´ve tried.

Absolutely no pressure-from myself or anyone.

It did work-& I think because I wasn´t stressed.

But my 1st was tiny & at night would feed every 2hrs and it was exhausting.
Fortunately, I wasn´t working so could sleep in the day when baby did-would feed at 7am & then sleep until 11!

Fortunately I was reassured by my midwife that 2hrly bfeedind was ok as baby was tiny & couldn´t take much,and it was easily digested, so frequent feeds needed.

Also, husband was happy for me to bfeed/sleep rather than do housework when necessary.

But please try totake the pressure off yourself!

you don't have to bf...
give it a try with your new baby and see how it goes, perhaps it will be a lot easier this time and you will stick with it easily and happily, but if you find it very difficult again and it is making you miserable i would say just ff and dont feel guilty about it.
that's what i will be doing as i also find it difficult with my ds1 and was much better once we moved him to formula, so for ds2 i will give it a try and hopefully will be better but if not then ff again and i wouldnt feel a bad mum because of it. just try ur best, if you dont stick with it atleast you gave it a go

Oh and smear yourself from head to foot in vaseline ,that certainly helped me

with the feeding or were you trying to squeeze through a cat flap?
BLK how would you feel about mix feeding after about a month?

Gosh, if you really hate breastfeeding, don't do it.

I breastfed DD for ages, found it really easy from the start, and would encourage any woman to try and to believe that she can do it. However, if you hate it, don't bother. I'm sure you are well aware of all the advantages of breastfeeding and have just come to the conclusion that they don't outweigh, for you, the advantages of formula feeding.

But she hasn't - she feels very strongly that she wants to bf!

Is this in your real life or imaginary life Bonsoir?

Barbie I am glad you were brave enough to post this I have had this on my mind to and had a similar experience but mananged to bf for a few months. Along with all the crying and frustration I began to resent my ds and hate myself and breast feeding. Now I have another little one due in December and have already bought the stuff for ff, I can't do it to my self, dh or ds or the new baby to be so miserable angry and frustrated - I am relieved now I have made the choice but still feel guilty for the choice I have made.. I also avoid the bf threads and in fact can't even discuss it without bursting into tears. You are not alone, just do what is best for your family.

Dear BBlovesK
I think you know you have issues here which have nothing to do with bf. If possible look into CBT via GP or midwife tho I think you may not have time at the moment before babe is born. It seems to me its all about loss of control in your life (pregnancy, marriage, job) and you have focused your anxieties on bf.
In the short term decide to attempt bf for a set period eg 4 weeks, and top up with ff if necessary. When you reach 4 weeks you will either have succeeded or switched to bottles. - If you dont manage to bf - babe will not have starved! At that cut off point put the experience behind you and look at the positives. BF is EXTREMELY difficult and being tense and anxious is very counter productive, but if you have a timetable you can stick to you can see an end in sight and be in control of your situation

Barbie it is my last post on your thread (I think) but get yourself down to your GP and do not leave till you have an urgent referral to a someone trained in antenatal depression and tell your midwife you also want a referral to an infant feeding specialist working at your hospital. You need coordinated professional support at this time an nothing less will be fair to you, your 4yo and your one on the way. Your infant feeding decision is a small part of the big picture here, imo.

Have you considered a doula? She can help you advocate for these things. I don't know what your finances are like but if it is not good, look for a trainee one. Even by starting a thread here on MN. Some doulas will take women on for a reduced fee and there is are also hardship funds which you may be able to access.

Good luck with whatever you plan to do.

Excellent advice Foxytocin, I think it is a good suggestion to get some professional help. Also is there anyone in RL who you feel comfortable talking to about this that can give you some support?

I hate breastfeeding too.
Its easy to say not to breastfeed if you dont want to, but if you are prone to being a bit anxious/ over judging of yourself, then I can undersand why you would feel that you 'had' to BF (because Im like that too!).

I did find that having my second baby was a lot easier than having the first.
Feeding my first baby was hell for weeks, but the second baby was so much easier. And by the third I genuinely believed that I was having an easier time than people I know who FF.

Good luck.

BLK.

I went through a similar experience with my DS, i did all the lessons, the courses, the reading and BF failed miserably, he just would not latch on whatever me or the midwives tried.. so i gave up and switched to Formula on day three.

I decided when i fell pg with DD that i was NOT going to breastfeed, i wasn't even going to try beyond letting her have the colostrum if she wanted it because i couldnt put myself through that again.. i even had formula in my bad when i went into the hospital to give birth.

When i latched DD on for the first time she took to it like a dream, so i kept going for as long as we could.. we got to 3 weeks before i switched to formula because of problems with my health.. i dont feel guilty, i feel happy that she had three weeks of my milk.

If the thought of BF'ing is making you that unhappy, then dont do it, or do it for as long as you feel you can without pressuring yourself.