Christmas presents from in laws!

[ifnotwhynot]

AIBU to be annoyed that my MIL has sent a Christmas parcel to my DKs without asking what they would like? We don't see them very often, due to distance and, because they are going away for Christmas, the parcel has arrived early. I am fairly sure that they have sent clothes and the children now like to choose their own. DS is a teenager and my DD does not need new clothes. Really! I am grateful that they have thought of the children and know there are plenty out there that get no presents but it just seems such a WASTE to buy things that are not appropriate. We talk to them a few times a week so why couldn't they ask like they usually do, or, better still, take them shopping when we see them after Christmas?

People seem to want far too much control! I don't really see why you think that you should control other people's present giving.

NanaNina - in my family that award would go to my dad. MiL does pretty well.

sorry but i think your missing the point of christmas......i thought it was about being thankful for what we have and have got in our lives (and not necessarily materialistic possessions!) enojying our family and friends and being thankful we are in a situation to 'moan' about 'cheap crap'

get over yourself and tell them if you don't like it!

and yes yabu

Mandy - i for one wasn't talking about you, I was addressing all my posts to the OP

And I agree with pisces - in the OPs case it seems to me about control, and I also wonder whether it is about a battle for control with the in-laws

Jamie - Well so thats ok then!

Getting back to the op's point, if you dont know the children that well, whats wrong with asking the parents what would be a suitable gift?
I cant see what is 'controling' about that!

How many of us know exactly what the children/teenagers in our familys are 'in to'
I think its worse just to assume you know wwhat they like!

I still remember getting a velvet, four coloured beret from my Aunt one Christmas - it was worth it just to hear the howls of laughter from my family....sorry aunty!

my inlaws are nothing short of useless.living just over an hour away they make any excuse notto see us; or forus to see them.usual excuses are -going to a boot sale, orthe cats not well. all gifts for our 6 yr oldson have no tags on, or are completely inappropriate(tat from the carboot obviously), and in return expect gifts such as chanel perfume and cashmere jumpers.i really have no time for these people, but as they say, you cant choose your family.they dont even realise how upset it makes us

"control" is maybe putting it a abt strongly, but the reason I said that, is because, if you read the OP, she says the ONLY time the MIL doesn't ask what the children want is at Christmas. Therefore, I would assume that it's important to the MIL to choose what she gives her grandchildren. The fact that the OP can't accept this just strikes me as a bit "controlling"

Jamie I can see your reasoning, but if thats so, could that not also be thought of as 'controlling' on the grandparent behalf?

My god - presents for a 6 year old with NO tags on - how unbelievably unacceptable - I think you must be a bit mad Lizzie!

Yes, I thought of that, too Mandy , but maybe she's entitled once in a while ?

I have read threads in the past where grandparents have bought some massive monstrous present, expressly against the wishes of the parents, and that could be construed as some kind of power play, but I just don't think this fits into that category, from what we've been told.

Anyway, OP has tired of us rambling on, so we'll never know ......

'whats wrong with asking the parents what would be a suitable gift?

Of course there is nothing wrong with it, if they choose to-however if they choose to do their own thing they are perfectly entitled to. It is a gift-freely given and isn't under the control of the receiver, unless they have been expressly asked.

I rejoin the thread simply to correct a misquote.

Jamieandhismagictorch says that I said" the ONLY time the MIL doesn't ask what the children want is at Christmas".

What I actually said is "why couldn't they ask like they usually do".

They normally ask at Christmas, too.

OK, sorry about that misunderstanding

Just received a present from In-laws; An (obviously old) address book that already had two names and addresses filled in.

However, I have no reason to feel smug as I hadn't sent them anything at all.

It's the thought that counts, and now I'm feeling rather guilty for some reason.

They sent your kids presents?! At Christmas?!!!!!

Fucking toxic animals, cut all ties immediately.

complex, was it THEIR address that was in it...

I can't abide waste, thoughtlessness, cheap tat and clutter. And I'd rather people saved their money a lot of the time.

Maybe they sent more presents again this year

If i was giving my fictional grand children gifts i would want them to be suitable and for kids to really enjoy playing with each item. I'd rather be guided by parental suggestions and see true pleasure on the kids faces.

Sadly my well off MIL buys tat too and puts little thought into it. They are simply just cheap items she has stumbled into over the year that she dishes out randomly at xmas/birthdays. We always say thankyou anyway and see the funny side - she doesn't know the kids at all and isn't interested. When we do see her she is very forceful and opinionated about parenting styles. DH did have a gentle little chat a couple of years ago and that has improved things hugely. They now give us 2/3rds money towards an item and 1/3 tat.

DD's Great Gran bought her frizz ease and an afro comb for her Xmas.

DD is One. And has lovely, erratic curly hair. And is caucasian with no need for an afro comb.

Mental.

My MIL has a great take on Christmas for our house.

DP is ordered to buy a present for DS and me, for £50 each, and wrap it up. And then I either buy something for DP for £50 or he buys it for himself.

MIL hands over £150 to DP on boxing day and we all say thank you for our presents, then she distributes various cheapo but lovely little gifts to everyone to open on the day as little extras.

She bought me (unknowingly and via DP) a Fransen hairdryer, DSS a golf weekend and DP a hat.

We're all happy, she's happy. It's the way forward.

I am really shocked at the sense of entitlement on the part of some of the posters on here. You don't have to be given a present at Christmas. I think what's happening now is that people want to be able to control absolutely everything that happens in their lives, and all the people that are in their lives.

OP YABU and any other people who would rather have the money from the ILs or whoever. Perhaps the ILs like choosing stuff for their DGC. It's all part of life and you should be teaching your children to be grateful for any gift. I bet you remember the crap Christmas presents a lot more than the good ones.

What did the dk think to their presents?

I don't think children SHOULD be taught to be grateful for every gift. I don't want DD to smile passively and agreeably when people give her thoughtless cheap crap. I don;t want her as an adult to think that's OK - setting her up for a lifetime of thinking you have to keep everyone else happy but yourself.
I want her to know that gifts are about both the giver and the receiver - that the receiver gives you a gift because they love you and have thought about you and decided on a thing that you'll appreciate. Likewise as the receiver to appreciate and be able to express that.
This is not going to happen if I make her falsely appreciate utter shite that someone has thought "oh, that will do for X". I do not want that message in her head.
There is no expectaion or entitlement to a gift, DD knows that, but I'll be damed if I'm going to turn her into some passive adult who just smiles and nods for an easy life (read: miserable, subservient and lacking in self esteem).