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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas presents from in laws!

102 replies

ifnotwhynot · 25/11/2009 20:39

AIBU to be annoyed that my MIL has sent a Christmas parcel to my DKs without asking what they would like? We don't see them very often, due to distance and, because they are going away for Christmas, the parcel has arrived early. I am fairly sure that they have sent clothes and the children now like to choose their own. DS is a teenager and my DD does not need new clothes. Really! I am grateful that they have thought of the children and know there are plenty out there that get no presents but it just seems such a WASTE to buy things that are not appropriate. We talk to them a few times a week so why couldn't they ask like they usually do, or, better still, take them shopping when we see them after Christmas?

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 26/11/2009 19:14

I think it would be a lot simpler not to have presents at Christmas! I was under the impression that it was the thought that counted, it is a bonus if you like it.
I think that it takes the whole point out of it, if everyone agrees what you are getting first-you might as well each keep the money and buy yourself something!

BaronessBarbaraKingstanding · 26/11/2009 19:45

Some one on here suggested recently that we might as well all sit in a circla with our familes on christmas morning with a £20 note and all pass it on to the person on our left and decalere 'merry christmas'. that way no money is wasted, every one has given a gift and evryone can go and buy something they actaually want.

that just about sums up the increasing self absorbed 'it's not what I want try hrader you inconsiderate old lady' petulant attitude around presnets that seems to exist.

I ahve a lovely frind whose MIL is definitely ASD, although undx, and she has a little part time job cleaning just so she can buy prsnets for her grandchildren who she adores, but in her mind quantity is better them quality and every time she comes round, about once amonth, she brings literally a bin bag of utter crap toys the cheaper the better becuse the more you can get (eg 5 action men from jumble sale) and my kind friend never complains about this, she thanks her, the children play with the crap for a few days then frind sorts it out for the bin and chairty shop.
Is ths is waste of her MIL's small amount of hard earned money? No, because it gives her such pleasure to be always thinking of and buying for her GC. That's love. And gratitude for the love.

DillieTantie · 26/11/2009 20:27

Having read a lot of the posts, and also reviewing my own, I do think that when people choose and buy gifts with the recipient in mind, even if the present is unsuitable/unwelcome/inappropriate, then it should be received happily and gratefully.
My PIL go out on an "OMG Christmas Shopping" trip and just buy a load of stuff. When they get the shopping home, they then decide to whom they should give each item.
Maybe it is the choosing, rather that the giving, that defines what is a good present?

Jamieandhismagictorch · 26/11/2009 20:42

YABVU

It's mildly annoying to get things you don't need, but VERY ungrateful. It's their money to waste.

The implication there is that they are buying for the sake of it rather than the love of it.

No, they just probably love buying what they see as real tangible presents

Jamieandhismagictorch · 26/11/2009 20:44

Well said Baroness, and pisces

Sbeanmum · 26/11/2009 20:58

Gosh, how rude! YABVU

piscesmoon · 26/11/2009 22:27

Even DCs can understand. As a DC I knew that I wasn't going to like a present from a great aunt and uncle but I realised that they were elderly and liked giving. I think it was much better to receive gratefully, than for my parents to ask for money instead.

malasti · 26/11/2009 22:51

hello there, i just was reading your messages about christmas. fasinating.i am glad i took my new year resulotion a month early. i actually sent an email to whom i knew and cancelled the whole thing all together. i celebrated christmas for the last 26 years and i have had enough of it . the whole thing is pointless. sending cards,buying presents,for people whom we rarely see.anyway in my view if you are fond of somebody you can send them a card or a present any day,you dont have to wait for christmas(presumely the birthday of christ)to do this. the whole ceremoney and after brings badmemories of people tolerating each other and pretending they care.eating too much ,spending the money we dont have,is not anything to do with birth of Jesus.this just makes the shop owners richer than before.

Sibella1 · 26/11/2009 22:58

My inlaws live in Cape Town and they have never made the effort to send my kids anything on their birthdays or Christmas. So sorry - I think you needto be grateful.

CheerfulYank · 26/11/2009 23:02

I think YABU. So it ends up in a charity shop...someone there will be happy to get it I'm sure. It's the thought that counts.

piscesmoon · 27/11/2009 07:31

I think it is entirely pointless if you tell someone what to buy and they tell you what to buy and then buy it and swap. Why not buy it for yourselves-it is the same result?! As BBK said-you pass £20 to the person on your left on Christmas morning! The spirit of Christmas seems entirely missing-not everything in life has to be practical.

Original poster
ifnotwhynot · 27/11/2009 07:43

Clearly a lot of people here have missed the bits that said I am grateful for the thought, we will say thank you etc etc etc. Someone will benefit, yes, but is it not better to give £10 to charity in the first place? If a gift costs £10 and goes straight to the charity shop they they will end up with probably half that amount. I'm with Malasti - The true meaning of Christmas is totally lost. It is now all about greed, commercialism and selfishness and this is not what the world needs right now. My final word.

OP posts:
flaime · 27/11/2009 12:22

Don't think YABU at all - what is the point in wasting money? Sure the kids would have been happier with cash so they could buy something they actually want. It doesn't take 2 mins to bother asking what they want if they feel the need to buy it themsleves does it?

Ripeberry · 27/11/2009 12:26

We got a wallpapering table from our in-laws this year. And yes we are very grateful

bamboobutton · 27/11/2009 12:37

YANBU.

my mil is the same but what makes it worse is that she is on benefits and really can't afford to waste all the money she spends on, well, crap!

i think she also has the 'see it, buy it' bug. we say every year not to buy us anything as we don't need or want anything but she insists on buying us a pile of presents each.

last year she got me a revolting old lady cardigan 4 sizes too big. 'pyjamas-in-a-bag' 2 sizes too small! slippers 2 sizes too big and some avon bath stuff.

everything except the avon went to charity.

dh's gifts were just as useless.

it gets frustrating to see her wasting her small income on badly thought out presents every december, especially as we have just had to help her buy a new washing machine and get her boiler fixed.

IMoveTheStarsForNoOne · 27/11/2009 12:39

and YABU

QuintessentialShadows · 27/11/2009 12:40

Yabu.
I dont think the kids have ever received a christmas present from MIL.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 27/11/2009 13:09

OP - great - I don't disagree with you assessment of what Christmas has become. But I do disagree that your PIL present-buying is a good example of "greed, commercialism and selfishness".

Why can you not see, that the fact they don't ask what the DCs want at Christmas ("like they usually do") is because they CARE about choosing a gift themselves at Christmas ? Annoying, yes, mildly, but I think you should look at the bigger picture.

Unless this is actually about other problems with your PIL.

SpodgeMcBiscuit · 27/11/2009 13:19

YABU

Either grow a mummy style pair and tell them, if you feel they are wasting their money. Maybe next year will be better, possibly because they won't be talking to you anymore.

Or, put up and be thankful that they thought of you and your DC. If you really don't like / can't stand the stuff organise a present swop after Christmas with your local mums group.

Vivia · 27/11/2009 15:51

YANBU

When I was seven, my step-grandfather gave me an ashtray with Marilyn Monroe on it. When my brother was four, same grandfather gave him a powerdrill.

You can't be too careful!

MorrisZapp · 27/11/2009 16:09

YABU and also YANBU.

I spent my entire childhood being given appalling pressies from both my grannies and to be honest, looking back I wouldn't have it any other way. Old ladies are old ladies - what's the point in asking them to magic up trendy and useful gifts for kids/ teens they have no idea how to really relate to in material terms.

Big knickers and yet another copy of What Katy Did Next were the order of the day and so what - they meant so well.

But I also think YANBU when it comes to waste. The fact is, mountains of tat will be binned in the days following christmas. is this really a great idea in our increasingly wasteful culture? I know christmas is a time of plenty, and not a time for parsimony or trying to save the planet, but the thought of all that waste does make me feel slightly ill.

SouthMum · 27/11/2009 17:13

What a horrid thread. At least they have bought something. If I was your MIL I shove it up your bum

tootiredtothink · 27/11/2009 17:20

YABU

Mandy1966 · 27/11/2009 18:43

SHE CANT AFFORD IT,

Id rather she spent her money on electric, gas,counciltax, dare I say food!
rather than telling me, in front of the kids she cant affords it,
So if that sounds ungratefull (which Im not!!) so be it!

NanaNina · 27/11/2009 19:04

Does anyone have any other relatives who buy unsuitable presents for your kids or is it just MILS - was just wondering.