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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas presents from in laws!

102 replies

ifnotwhynot · 25/11/2009 20:39

AIBU to be annoyed that my MIL has sent a Christmas parcel to my DKs without asking what they would like? We don't see them very often, due to distance and, because they are going away for Christmas, the parcel has arrived early. I am fairly sure that they have sent clothes and the children now like to choose their own. DS is a teenager and my DD does not need new clothes. Really! I am grateful that they have thought of the children and know there are plenty out there that get no presents but it just seems such a WASTE to buy things that are not appropriate. We talk to them a few times a week so why couldn't they ask like they usually do, or, better still, take them shopping when we see them after Christmas?

OP posts:
unavailable · 25/11/2009 23:13

Do you buy them a gift? If so, how do you choose? How do you know if they really like what you gave? (They may consider it was a waste of money.)

lililolo · 26/11/2009 00:23

I find it annoying too.

I also hate the waste - so many times things just end up sitting in a cupboard because my MiL doesn't think about what she's buying.

It is ungrateful - I don't like being ungracious, really I don't. But I also look at what she's bought and think 'Why'.

Obviously I paste a smile on and say thanks, but sometimes it leaves me seething.

To those of you whose ILs send nothing - well of course that's bad / worse - but it's a bit like saying that you shouldn't complain if you buy a pint of milk and it's off just because some people in the world can't afford milk!

Tortington · 26/11/2009 00:25

how nice that your kids get presents.

mine don't

coralanne · 26/11/2009 01:38

My mu recently sent me a box of stuff. Too good to throw out but no use to anyone. Socks with toes in , Bath mats, ornaments. Think she won them off the bingo table. God bless her. Cost $15 to post them. Knock at the door, Anglicare collecting for christmas. Great here's a full box of junk really lovely stuff. They were thrilled. Seriously though, someone's trash is always someone else's treasure. Phoned her and said thanks. Warned the rest of the family to ring her and thank her for the goods.

diddl · 26/11/2009 07:32

I do see your point.

Would they give you money, say a tenner each for you to get something from them?

Mandy1966 · 26/11/2009 09:51

No I dont you are BU.

My MIL is 73, lives on her own, on her pension, she is for ever telling me she cnat afford this, that and the other.

She buys all her grandchildren the same thing every year sweets, choclate, pens, pencils, pad and a plastic toy car/doll.
My 2 sons and 2 neices have grown out of cars and dolls and have more than enough paper, pens and pencils. As for sweets and chocolate..
Im not being ungratful but I wish she would Give them a couple of pounds each instead, so they can put it toward something theyre saving for.

wb · 26/11/2009 10:12

Actually Mandy, I think your post is the epitome of ungratefulness. You too, OP. Has our sense of entitlement really got so bad that we can't bear the thought of a present we have already or don't like very much from someone who loves us.

BitOfFun · 26/11/2009 10:15

Christmas isn't Christmas without some really crap presents (remember the MNer who got knicker elastic?). You will be depriving your kids of precious memories if you teach them to say "Thanks, but I'd prefer the cash". Set them an example and accept them with good grace, then do what you like with them.

YABU.

FimbleHobbs · 26/11/2009 10:19

I have two sets of ILs.

One set ask (repeatedly) what the DCs would like, then complain it doesn't seem 'enough' so ask for more suggestions. And call me at work when they are shopping to check Right Now which colour/size/whatever. I usually end up giving them a list of Argos numbers.

The other set don't ask at all and give DCs totally unsuitable toys (as in too babyish/too old/too easily broken, sweets they don't like, and hideous clothes. We smile and say thankyou, then exchange/return/charity shop anything not broken by new year. So its not a total waste.

The set that always ask see the DCs every week so it really would be fine for them to just choose something. The set that don't ask see the DCs very rarely which might explain why the presents are always unsuitable.

I think you just have to smile and be polite. In the great scheme of things it doesn't really matter.

LastTrainToNowhere · 26/11/2009 10:29

My ILs always send the most hideous clothes for dd. I tut at the lack of taste, but then pick up the phone and gush to them about how much dd loved it and how she's going to wear it to a party over the weekend. It costs nothing to be polite. They love buying for her and I'm not going to ask them to stop, even if the gifts are tactfully gotten rid of later.

YABVVU

CirrhosisByTheSea · 26/11/2009 11:20

My in-laws DO ask, then buy something completely different

The only possible thing to do is accept graciously. It's a gift, nothing more or less and none of it is in your control. It is always wrong to see a gift in monetary terms - eg "I would rather the kids had a few quid instead". What you want for them or would rather they had, is nothing to do with it whatsoever. The giver has given what they want to give, you accept graciously - it's the only polite scenario!

VerityClinch · 26/11/2009 12:44

Last year my MIL gave me a picture of half a horse.

With a dedication on the back to someone else

That is all.

NormaSknockers · 26/11/2009 12:51

YABVU - at least they tried & were thoughtful enough to send early so that it would reach you before they went away.

NormaSknockers · 26/11/2009 12:55

Mandy your post really made me Really, really She tells you how she can't afford this & that yet every year still sends every one of her grandchildren a present. Perhaps not to yours or their tastes but that's so very sweet of her & you're being so ungrateful about it.

bigTillyMint · 26/11/2009 12:56

Although your post does make you sound ungrateful, I know exactly what you mean - it just shows how far out of touch they are with their own grandchildren

BlingLoving · 26/11/2009 12:59

YABU.

Ungratefulness is irrelevant to my mind. But for a lot of older people, giving money or giving a gift that has been specifically asked for is not a proper "gift".

My parents, weirdly, will happily ask me for Christmas gift suggestions for me but will not ask for suggestions for birthdays as they feel it should be a surprise.

And some people are better at buying gifts than others. It's a skill, like any other, and it sounds like your MIL isn't so good at it. Tough.

mrsjammi · 26/11/2009 13:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

paisleyleaf · 26/11/2009 13:05

I love this bit.... "I am not ungrateful, I said that in my op but......."

stickylittlefingers · 26/11/2009 13:11

I do see what you mean - if money's scarce, why waste it on things that we don't want.

But it does take away the whole point of a gift, given with love, received with gratitude. God knows how many plastic rain hats and bath salts I got trom my mad old rather decrepit aunts as a little girl, but even then I could see it was nice that someone was thinking of me and wanted me to have something.

This is important for your children to learn - and I hate to be holier than thou (tho I'm being it i admit!) - you too!

Too many of us have mad and vile ILs who wouldn't think of buying us or our dc presents. Be grateful they love you!

Northernlurker · 26/11/2009 13:26

It's not really on imo to be objecting to presents you haven't even opened yet!

Original poster
ifnotwhynot · 26/11/2009 14:49

No, I am NOT ungrateful. They are generous in all sorts of ways and appreciation will be shown, as it always is even when the gifts are inappropriate. I never said we wouldn't say "thank you"!! How much better for everyone, though, if their generosity were better placed.

We do get them presents. We ask them what they would like and as they are retired but still youngish it is usually something focussed around one of their hobbies, like National Trust membership, or gardening vouchers.

In the past, I have tried saying that the children don't need/want anything much so would prefer it if they got something like an Oxfam Unwrapped gift and a token present. The reply has been that children HAVE to have presents. Who said? The implication there is that they are buying for the sake of it rather than the love of it.

As a family, we are quite unmaterialistic and, if money is to be spent, we prefer experiences and days out etc to remember to bits and pieces that get played with or used once, or worse, and then forgottten. The pils are quite aware of this!!

DillieTantie - I think we should have an unsuitable present competition!

OP posts:
DillieTantie · 26/11/2009 18:52

Oh heavens, you really shouldn't start me. However, apart from the scary slippers and the numerous vanity cases, the "unsuitables" are many. My (ex) PILs are not remotely potty but they do sort of "see it - buy it" and then think of who to give it to.

  1. An alarm clock when DD was 4.
  2. A hairdryer (in a vanity case) age 5. Also a facecloth.
  3. A passport holder, age 6.
  4. Fake tan and lurid makeup at 7.
  5. An ankle bracelet , also at 7.
After that, I exploded calmly negotiated and we agreed that I would give them her wish list in plenty of time for birthday/Christmas. It was Ok for a while and then it went bad, hence the scary slippers. The latest horror was when she got an A in a GCSE that she had sat 2 years early (DD is 14). As a reward, PILs sent her a pair of shoes with a note of congratulation - saying - you are a real woman now, so here is a pair of proper womens' shoes. OMG - they were the chavviest pair of tarts' trotters that you ever saw. Happily, DD thinks that they are foul. To her credit, she has always thanked the GPs, in writing for every present that they have sent.
lovechoc · 26/11/2009 18:55

My ILs just buy DS presents, they never think to ask us what he needs or wants but still we are grateful (he doesn't have to get anything from anyone!) and so you accept them gracefully.

YABU - accept what you are given. it was nice of them to post them out early. it's the thought that counts.

BaronessBarbaraKingstanding · 26/11/2009 19:05

YABVU.

Presents should be an expression of affection, and you return the affection by your gratitude for the thought regardless of what the presnet is.

unless you think they are delibrately buying you crap to be nasty.

If though yu think they have tried hard, and thier intentions were good, whatver the presnets are shouldn't matter.

It is extremly ungracious and lacking in class to moan about gifts imo.

I have taught my children this imporatnt lesson very early.

busybutterfly · 26/11/2009 19:08

YABextremelyU