to think you can be happy in a sexless marriage?

[Melodychimes]

I have not had sex with my dh since my dd was born 4 year ago although we do cuddle, he doesn't 'kiss' either.

I have abandoned bringing the subject up as it makes him feel emasculated and he masturbates to relief himself most nights.

He does not use porn, does not work late, he is not having an affair as I believe he is not that interested in sex and I know he went through a period of thinking he might be gay before we married.

The thing is, he is a good dad, we have a reasonably happy home life and I am not particularly interested in sex although I was when I wanted a baby.

Is this a taboo subject for men and women not to have much of a sex drive? I do know of friends who also do not have sex either (obviously I know others who do). My dh and I used to have fun but then it dwindled to very much him wanting me to masturate him and very little in it for me, so now he doesn't bother.

Is there anyone else out there who is in the same boat? By the way, we are both slim, fit, attractive and I have had plenty of opportunities to have an affair myself but I'm only interested in a fantasy, not real life, ifswim.

if you are both content with the situation then you can have a happy marriage - although there will be some people who will come on here and say that sex is a central part of marriage, I don't agree with that.

However, if one of you is not really fully happy with that situation, then at some point there will be trouble. Your DH clearly likes some sort of sexual relief; and while at the moment he seems happy enough to do it himself, there may come a time when he would like someone else involved.

Only you can really know whether or not YOU are happy with the situation - and you have to trust your DH to tell you the truth as to whether or not HE is.

FWIW, my parents were together for over 40y, of which the last 35+ were sexless. I can't say they were ecstatically happy, but that was more to do with them as people than whether or not sex was involved!

I think its possible depending on the situation. From your post it doesnt sound as though that is the case here. Your husband clearly still has some sex drive as you say he masturbates every night and you say you have given up asking him which sounds as though its not a choice you have come to naturally.

I think that it may be a good idea to try and figure out whats going on in the relationship as it seems there may be more deep;y rooted problems than sex.

Just thought Id let the op know she is not alone, my lo is almost 4 and like you we havent had sex since and we are happy enough.

My DP is my best friend but I love having sex with him as he does me- it makes us more than just mum and dad- parents working together but also lovers. We have such special time on our own and have so much more to talk about apart from kids and I feel like a woman not just a mum IYSWIM. I dont know what it woud be like without sex but i wouldn't be happy without the intmacy.

MC, Are you really happy with the thought of never having sex?

Thank you for all your replies.I suppose the reason I've started this thread is because I'm not 100% as I'm in my 40s and know that this is supposed to be my wildest years!

I was also very wary of sexual relations early on but I think that stemmed from me wanting to travel around the world (which I did) and so didn't want to be tied down by or complicating my life by having boyfriends (unless it was purely friendship or a bit of a fondle, no strings attached).

I wanted to 'save' myself for Mr Right and I did, I'm now married to him (not religious btw).

So it could be that my own sex drive is pretty low for being cautious then, I must admit I was always a bit of a prude and was always too shy to wear revealing tops etc even though I used to do modelling for a bit.

I must say my own ses drive peaks at around the time of ovulation then I have to relieve myself, so basically a week in a month, other than that I can take it or leave it.

I have never been coerced to have sex and although in my fantasies I can choose whoever I like (and I certainly do, sometimes it's even my dh who is the love of my life).

I am envious of you who can combine a loving relationship with being parents. We are quite loving in that we go for walks hand in hand and still make each other laugh.

It's quite sad though really, isn't it? He is stressed at work and actually says 'maybe' if I ask whether we will ever resume 'relations'

Neither of you sound unhappy, I know a married man who uses porn, escorts and has affairs because his wife refused sex in their marriage for 5 years so clearly they both were not happy with that arrangement but it doesn't sound as if that applies in this case.

About the gay thing, he needed to find out himself which way the way for him ifswim by a little experimentation when he was younger. The experience left him cold (he baulked at penetration but the other guy was far keener, yes, we discussed all this before we married!)

It stemmed from him not having a loving father figure in his life, just a cold authoritarian stepfather who beat him when he wet the bed as a young boy)

I haven't got any basis to believe he has 'turned' since marriage as he is pretty much an open book. (I have access to his phone, computer, wallet, diary etc!) He is an amazing family man and we all love him to bits. His family really is his life, he doesn't have many close friends, he certainly isn't a football/lager drinking/pubgoing type at all.

His hobbies involve us (walking, theatre,)and reading.

I think that your situation is not quiet as straightforward as you'd like it to be I'm afriad. A while ago my dh said that he just wasn't feeling the same towards sex. He'd had an operation in that area about a year before and we thought/hoped it may be due to that.

We've always had what I hope is a 'normal' sex life in that we've fancied the pants off each other, but at same time life/children etc sometimes gets in the way. So, we can go for a couple of weeks without or it can be a few times a week - depends on what's going on.

Dh said that he realised just how much he used to think about sex and it just wasn't there anymore. He said it wasn't to do with me, he still fancied me and we did still have sex but it wasn't as often. Once we got going all was fine, but he really just wasn't in the mood. I found this very difficult - we're in our 40's and I've always felt that the fact we still fancy each other was a great strenght. I also found it hard to believe him when he said he still loved me and found me attractive - it really made me feel rejected and a bit preditory (sp).

Dh went to the doctors and sure enough his testostraone (sorry I really can't spell) levels were very low and he may have to have some form of hormone therapy and it is to do with his op. Some must be psychological because he's a lot more like his old self since he found out about the low levels and things are almost back to normal .

Anyway - what the point I'm trying to make is that if you dh isn't a very sexual person then there's no way he'd be masterbating every day. DH didn't masterbate at all during this low sex drive time, it just wasn't of interest.

I also think that you have to consider what this does to you - I only had a few months of this and I know it made me feel less attractive/confident/womanly. Even though dh was very reassuring. It may not be right, but you have a lifetime of knowing that it doesn't take much to turn them on and when that goes you feel that you must be repulsive (well that's how I felt).

I'd say it's time for relate - you can't spend the rest of your life without sex, you're a young woman.

I think couples are all different, and it is little use trying to judge one couple from your own experiences, or that you should be having x amount of sex because you are 42 or whatever. Some people have a constant need of sex and genuinely find it hard to function without it, some have to make do without it for medical reasons, others hardly miss it.

Can I just say what an amazing, lovely woman you are.

I truly don't know what I would do in your situation, but I wish you every happiness.

I don't feel repulsive because, believe it or not, I still get compliments (not as often as when I was younger though and sometimes friends tell me when their husbands have said 'cor she's hot!' , yes, you can see I have very open and nice friends!

They are not threatened by me stealing their husbands either as I am not predatory in the slightest.

I know my dh loves me, but we are not sexually compatible any more as he said it took him an age to get me to orgasm and that upset him. As he just wants a 'wang bang thank you mam' and knows that doesn't really do it for me and he does not want to spend x hours trying, he'd rather do it to himself, and me do it to myself.

If you're both happy, that's all that matters. Personally, I would miss the intimacy of a sexual relationship with the man I love. Also, I want to be desirable in his eyes, and I think it would seriously dent my confidence if I thought he'd rather knock one out himself tbh.

How utterly depressing.

So, he's just very, very selfish then with a very strange attitude to what good sex is?

A man in his 40's who is masturbating every single day has a very good sex drive imho, my husband is mid 40's and he doesn't need sexual "relief" every day, even though I'd be more than happy to have sex every day (I'm 43).

An orgasm when having sex is far less important than the "whole" experience of love and intimacy imho, obviously he'd rather not bother with either for you.

You will come to hate him, if he can't put himself second once or twice a month for your pleasure, what kind of a man is he?

i think the intimacy is incredibly important to keep things going. You've made it four years without it but I wouldn't count on another four years. One of you will likely want things to move on, to regain that part of life.

why not have fun together - if it's easier to make yourselves orgasm, do it together and try to get things back on track from there.

good luck.

I could be utterly selfish too. Because he has never 'gone down' on me, I refused to 'go down on him' and so there is an impasse there and has been for a longer time than I remember.

He was just not into it, whereas I used to love it with another boyfriend, and I used to 'give' all the time but have nothing in reciprocation from my dh.

FIrstly, of course people can be happy in a sexless marriage as long as both of them have equally low libidos. However, this doesn't really sound like the case with you and your H. Unfortunately, I think you may have been strongly influenced to believe that sex is not very nice, and women don't really like it, and being able to go without makes you a nicer person or something and this has been reinforced by your H's selfishness . He tells you that your sexual needs are 'wrong' ie you 'take too long' when what he means is he doesn't care about what you want, or whether you enjoy sex or not and he really can't be bothered with your pleasure, or your feelings.
Though I am not into longterm relationships myself, what I do know is that happy monogamous couples make sure that both partners' sexual needs are being met, and sometimes this involves taking turns to be pleasured. In general a man who complains that a woman takes too long to get aroused or have an orgams is a man who is CRAP IN BED.

How about if you compromised and agreed to have sex say once or twice a month when you are feeling in the mood iyswim? Then you would still get the closeness and intimacy of sex but the rest of the time he could have his quickies himself.

Sex is not the be all and end all of a relationship but I think your relationship will suffer in some ways without it.

Can you sit down and talk about this, even direct him to this thread to help him to understand how you are feeling?

Good luck and best wishes.

goodnightmoon,

The suggestion about having fun together would be a great one as part of a healthy sex life - they could each have toys and play together, but he sounds worryingly selfish, if she would be happy to use something like a masturbation sleeve on him, would he reciprocate by using a vibrator on her?
If he doesn't even kiss, he's got some issues tbh.

I couldn't go for the next 30 years not feeling "wanted" - it's a crying shame that two physically healthy people aren't having great sex - there are severely disabled people who have very satisfying sex lives , even without "normal" intercourse, for example.