to think you can be happy in a sexless marriage?

[Melodychimes]

I have not had sex with my dh since my dd was born 4 year ago although we do cuddle, he doesn't 'kiss' either.

I have abandoned bringing the subject up as it makes him feel emasculated and he masturbates to relief himself most nights.

He does not use porn, does not work late, he is not having an affair as I believe he is not that interested in sex and I know he went through a period of thinking he might be gay before we married.

The thing is, he is a good dad, we have a reasonably happy home life and I am not particularly interested in sex although I was when I wanted a baby.

Is this a taboo subject for men and women not to have much of a sex drive? I do know of friends who also do not have sex either (obviously I know others who do). My dh and I used to have fun but then it dwindled to very much him wanting me to masturate him and very little in it for me, so now he doesn't bother.

Is there anyone else out there who is in the same boat? By the way, we are both slim, fit, attractive and I have had plenty of opportunities to have an affair myself but I'm only interested in a fantasy, not real life, ifswim.

It does sound as if, for whatever reason, the OP's H is simply not sexually interested in her, and over time that becomes very hard to live with. He may well be gay but believe that being gay is so wrong that he would prefer to stay married to a woman he doesn't want sex with, never mind how depressing that is for her.

Relate have a great 'get back to bed' course or therapy.

Framey, it doesn't sound like this man is into "compromise".
What kind of man feels "emasculated" by his partner wanting to have sex?

Huge, mahoosive issues.

There has to be give and take for a mutually satisfying sex life, it means concentrating soley on your partner's pleasure once in a while, although that should be as pleasurable in itself.

I'd buy a book like the Sex Doctor by Tracey Cox and see what a good sex life can be like.

I think it is possible to have a relationship without sex but do you really want to? You say you have fantasies and he masterbates so you both have sexual desires... Could you possibly 'help' him with the masterbating and ask him to 'return the favour' at the same time? to see his reaction and also it could be a step towards relighting the chemistry between ye... You sound like you love him and really dont want to lose him, it might also be worth not asking him if ye will hav 'relations' again one day and jus kick starting the relations for your self?

Do people think that a man in his 40's would be masturbating every day if he was getting his jollies elsewhere - am I the only one who thinks this is unlikely?

Do many 40-something men wank every single day? I was under the impression that a man's libido starts to drop off in his 40's.

I'm afraid he's unlikely to be 'cottaging'at lunchtime as he does not get a lunchbreak!

Your replies are an eye opener for me, I never thought to see our sexual incompatibility as something I would find offensive, ie that he doesn't find me attractive, as I know he does.

I'm not interested in 'pleasuring' him as there's nothing in it for me and I can't orgasm if there's any pressure to, which rules out his involvement really, as I feel guilty if he hasn't managed to make it happen for me.

Oh dear. I think I'm too selfish to want to pretend to orgasm.

It's possible if you are both happy, I guess.

In the long term, though, I think it's unlikely that a marriage can survive under these cirucmstances. It's all well and good while you have young children and are busy and frazzled with all that that entails 9and let's be honest - who's having much sex during those early years of parenthood?)

But you have years and years stretching ahead of you without any sexual intimacy, or of the closeness that fulfilling sex in a loving relationship brings.

I wouldn't want to live like that.

Well i think sex is important, but it's not the be all and end all either (So says the girl who has been single and hasn't had sex for 5 years)

Frankly too many people place too much emphasis on the sexy side of their marriage and they neglect the other connectives: communication, sharing things together, compromising, making sacrifices for the other person, listening, etc. That's when you hear the; 'I still love him/her, but i'm not in love with him/her so I'm getting a divorce' story which, imo is fuelled by an unrealistic expectation of needing to feel passionately about your partner 24/7 IYSWIM.

It's swings and roundabouts. If you were 100% happy about it you wouldn't be posting. Since you both still relieve yourselves, you still have a need, and should try perhaps agreeing to once or twice a month sex. You could get rid of DC and do something special that day like a date to lead up to it.

It takes work. I just think that whereas some married couples have to work on communication say, you have to work on sex. There are too many myths about what a 'healthy sex life' is in the media IMO. Ignore it and try to find a happy medium for both of you.

He isn't soley responsible for your orgasm, he has a hand in it of course, but ultimately it's your state of mind that's holding you back, unsurprising really when he is so utterly selfish, you're trapped in a cycle and it's easier to just ignore it and pretend it's not that important.

Is he too repressed to use a vibrator on you ?

Does he not realise that his "quick-fix" orgasms are probably quite inferior to the ones he would have after a prolonged sex session with you ? If you could manage to keep him "on the edge" for half an hour he will wonder how he ever lived without good sex! It's like having burgers your whole life and then someone puts a good steak in front of you.

I'll tell you what's happened to me this year, I'm peri-menopausal and my sex drive has gone through the roof, not saying this will happen to you but what would happen if you start to physically crave sex practically every day? It would be soul destroying to be turned down time after time, toys can scratch an itch but don't even come close to that feeling of utter contentment after great sex - honestly.

It's the "not kissing" thing that is the most worrying factor in all this - do you have any intimacy in your life at all?

He doesn't care about your sexual needs, at all - so how exactly does he love you or find you attractive?

"I'm not interested in 'pleasuring' him as there's nothing in it for me" Well ISWY are coming from, but to be honest both of you seem to be concentrating on your own pleasure. It's about giving pleasure to the other person as well, and yes, sometimes with nothing in it for you. But the partner you love has a need and if you love them you want to help them with that need - after all who else should do it for them?

But maybe there isn't enough of the other stuff happening to create the environment for sex to happen. What was it like when you were dating? What things did you do? Sometimes having a kid makes things hard. Basically is there romance, or is the romance dead completely?

Sounds like neither of you are interested in each other's needs, tbh.

I do believe it's possible to be happy in a sexless marriage if both parties have made an informed decision together about it...but that's not what's happening here.

I don't get all this business of telling other people how often they should be having sex, or of informing them that they can't really be happy with little or no sex.

Loads of people are indeed happy with little or no sex.

And many marriages are fine and strong without the bond of sex - there is so much more to a relationship than sticking one bit of flesh inside another.

If you think you do have problems then do take steps to address that. But if you're happy with the status quo then don't let anybody else tell you that you aren't normal, or that you need therapy etc to unlock the real you. You are the real you.

Morris, she wouldn't be posting on here if she was truly happy about the situation.

It's one thing if her husband had no libido at all, there are completely asexual folks out there - he is not one of them.

He obviously has a high sex drive if he masturbates every single day! He just seems not to like penetrative sex very much, or shows of physical affection for that matter, nor is he interested in his wife's sexual pleasure.

That's NOT "normal" by any stretch of the imagination.

Have you not read the whole thread?

Certainly people can be happy in a sexless marriage. The question here is surely whether the OP actually is happy, and I assume the answer's no or she wouldn't have posted.

I agree with the poster above who said that you both seem concerned with your own pleasure- you don't want a quickie, he doesn't want to spend time. TBH, I think there should be room for both, ideally- very few couples have identical libidoes and sexual tastes so some compromise is essential, including on the woman's part.

Would you want to start having sex again, if he'd make more effort (even if not every time)? Have you discussed this?

I think Relate would be a very good idea. A friend's husband was similarly "lazy" in bed- after counselling he admitted that he felt humiliated by his failure to be as good a lover as he wanted so effectively stopped trying at all. The male ego can be a bizarrely fragile thing.

OP, if you're not happy (and I asssume you're not, hence the question) I would a. talk to your husband and b. talk to Relate or another counsellor.

I dunno, she didn't seem mad keen to have sex herself from the OP.

Maybe reading endless magazines and enduring film/ media onslaught about how women can only truly be happy if they're knocking out orgasms each day before breakfast etc has caused OP to question herself?

I'm just looking at it the other way round.

Why do we always take regular sex as being the healthy bottom line. For some/ many people, no sex is the healthy bottom line.

I think he is gay too i could not live like that, 4 years! since you last had sex! i could not go a few months or weeks! come to think of it, but some people do live in a sexless marriage.

Morris, "no sex" isn't what's happening here.

He is having his sexual pleasure every single day whilst completely ignoring his wife's sexual needs, if she's only interested twice a month, how hard would it be for him to pay her some attention ( then he might get some attention of his own)??

One things for sure - he does need counselling, if only to figure out that he is very selfish and uncaring person.

This isn't a sexless marriage with neither person actually wanting/needing sex and happy with the staus quo.
This is something entirely more sinister.

Well, I would like to hear this bloke's side of it because you both sound as bad as each other

Lots of resentments bubbling under here...he won't go down on me so I won't do him... he prefers to wank rather than shag his attractive wife...she can't be bothered ith what he wants... he sounds a rubbish technician and unable to give his wife an orgasm...

jesus, no wonder there is no sex in your marriage

FWIW, a marriage without sex is likea flat-share with someone vaguely get on with, IMO

if that is what you both want, then fine

but you don't

the Op sounds unhappy and there is nothing wrong with her DH's sexdrive if he is tossing one off most nights

I think you need sex therapy, or he needs to admit he is just not into you (or not into women)

If you are both really OK with it then of course it's OK.

I know there are people that seem to view sex as essential as breathing. But honestly it's not! I have wondered if I am actually asexual at times. But DH isn't so we have sex. Tis all fine and OK but we both have to compromise.

Are you both happy with things as they are?

Uh-oh! I think I should have read more....

sorry, I missed out whole words in that last post

hope it still makes sense

perhaps I should get off my fat bum and switch a lamp on, I can't see me keyboard

it must be true it makes you go blind

If he is telling her about all the wanking he does then this just strikes me as emotional cruelty - "I like to orgasm everyday, just not with you". It is rubbing salt into the wounds.

He is bad in bed. He is a selfish lover who does not wish to provide pleasure for you. Any person who believes masturbation to be equal to willing, generous, responsive sex with a loved partner has never had the latter, IMO.

He says you 'take too long' yet he won't try something that is almost guaranteed to get you going much quicker. He would rather have a wank, with you attached or not, than make love. (usually [boak] at that phrase but here it's applicable). He has a perfectly healthy sex drive, as do you, he just chooses not to be intimate with you.

He sounds rotten. Or seriously messed up about sex. Either you need to accept being sexless (unreasonable) or you need to get to relate and maybe some psychosexual counselling. I can't see this being sustainable in the long run. No way I would live in a sexless marriage, it would be too sad.

OP, with the extra info you have given, I think you do need to discuss this further with your DH. You do need to reach a compromise - however "business-like" it might seem, you are both in a situation that isn't completely acceptable to either of you.

Orgasms in sex aren't the be all and end all either, although they're bloody nice! there are more ways to achieve orgasm than just penetration (which is apparently, according to surveys done by Shere Hite some years ago, rare in about 70% of women) - can you not explore other options between you?

Is your DH pretty inexperienced in terms of sex, is that why he feels emasculated - I know my DH, bless him, was pretty inexperienced and can have problems orgasming himself (first bloke I've ever been with who has this problem) if he gets sidetracked or loses concentration - I don't tend to worry him with whether or not I've orgasmed as it would just make him more anxious and less likely to achieve. If you can let go of the need for an orgasm with penetrative sex and find another way of achieving it between you, it might remove some of the pressure on him and he might be more keen to have sex with you rather than with himself.

Just a thought - ignore it if it doesn't apply to you or your situation.