to think you can be happy in a sexless marriage?

[Melodychimes]

I have not had sex with my dh since my dd was born 4 year ago although we do cuddle, he doesn't 'kiss' either.

I have abandoned bringing the subject up as it makes him feel emasculated and he masturbates to relief himself most nights.

He does not use porn, does not work late, he is not having an affair as I believe he is not that interested in sex and I know he went through a period of thinking he might be gay before we married.

The thing is, he is a good dad, we have a reasonably happy home life and I am not particularly interested in sex although I was when I wanted a baby.

Is this a taboo subject for men and women not to have much of a sex drive? I do know of friends who also do not have sex either (obviously I know others who do). My dh and I used to have fun but then it dwindled to very much him wanting me to masturate him and very little in it for me, so now he doesn't bother.

Is there anyone else out there who is in the same boat? By the way, we are both slim, fit, attractive and I have had plenty of opportunities to have an affair myself but I'm only interested in a fantasy, not real life, ifswim.

I would take the gay thing very seriously, if I were you. I think he is gay, and also cruel.

I agree with mathanxiety, how manys guy's go without sex for 4 years! i'm a woman and i would not stand for a day let alone 4 years, think it's about time you had THE chat.

We did go to Relate a while back but it wasn't much good, he did all the talking. I think he'd say things are better than when the dc were much smaller.

Talking about this just makes him awkward and he has a fragile ego so it doesn't do much good if I point any of this out.

Chatting does not work as it puts him on the defensive.

I bet he would say things are better now Melody, he gets to bash one out whenever he feels like it in the knowledge that you won't say a word.

I really don't see the point in this OP, i'm sorry, i know you have DC but surely you both being happy is better than this for you.

Most depressing thread I've read.

No, I couldn't live like that. Your DH sounds incredibly selfish.

OP, you're not in a sexless marriage.

You're just not having sex with each other.

To me, that is the crux of the issue. Couples can have a low or negligible libido but if he is masturbating daily then he has a fairly significant libido.

I would be wondering why his libido isn't directed towards me, as his wife, the person who he supposedly chose to share his life with in all ways. Sex isn't the be all and end all but surely it is the main thing that distinguishes you from being lodgers who have a child in common?

How much sexual experience did he have before meeting you? I do think that the media put across this idea that everyone is having great sex all the time. I know that when I was younger and less experienced that I thought I couldn't match up to this and really wondered what 'good in bed' meant. Could he feel so worried about getting it wrong that he'd rather not try?

If he's the loving, kind husband you say then he won't want your marriage to end. I'd be sitting him down and explaining that as hard as he finds it to talk about that it could be the crack in your relationship that brings it to an end. There are things you could do together to solve the problem, counselling/relate especially focussed on sex rather than the relationship as a whole.

I don't think you would be posting about all this if it didn't bother you. So maybe some people can have a sexless marriage (not me) but I don't think you can.

I think he sounds a little bit more gay than straight tbh. He reminds me of my first ever boyfriend. I went out with him when we were 17-19 and we hardly ever had sex even though I was always up for it! I remember once he laughed. I didn't feel that laughing was normal. I remember suppressing tears then. Knew that that wasn't right but I couldn't work out what it mean, if anythign. He was my best friend and a great companion, we were really in synch with humour and the way we saw other people and life. He was really mature in a lot of ways. I knew he thought I was pretty but was that because his brother told him?? He certainly had no problem resisting me. I was young and couldn't make any sense of it. I ended up feeling quite asexual, and I think it left a mark on me. I felt that normal men were being overly predatory and sexual in later years because I was comparing them to this first guy. He's with somebody now. He's not big on the gay scene. They just live together and neither of them is obviously gay. So I think there is gay and there's gay and there's straight and there's grey areas....

I couldn't be happy in a sexless marriage, I'd feel like slitting my bloody wrists!

I've once left a guy because the sex stopped and there was no interest in talking about it, or resolving the problem.

I don't think a relationship can survive in the long run without intimacy, and without talking about one's feelings.

Sex is not everything in a relationship, but it still is important.

I'm sorry to say this, but I think he is gay. Everything here points to it. I have experience of this, and this is how it often goes.

My comments are not glib, or knee jerk. I think he probably can not even admit it to himself.

It needs sorting, poor you. Best wishes.

Actually i could have a sexless marriage, but my marriage would become a technical thing, not a partnership, not a bonded relationship. TBH you sound more like close friends than a couple. I like to be close to people, would love to go hand in hand for a walk with a friend. There is nothing SPECIAL about that iyswim? Intimicy is importand to me because it allows me to express that love in a physical way to DH. Cuddling would not be enough. I would be very concerned if DH 1) had never gone down on me and 2) had no desire to pleasure me (no matter how long it took) DH has spend way over an hour on soley me (after he had finished) so that i could 'get mine' and he thought absolubtely NOTHING of it. It was natural for him to express that love for me.

Melody 'Fragile' ego my arse! This man has an ego the size of a planet. As far as he's concerned, he's the only person who matters in the relationship, and you are just a childminding domestic appliance who he has no interest in as long as the servicing (housework, cooking, keeping the kids looked after) doesn't stop. YOU MATTER, TOO. DOn't give up your whole life to keeping him contented while he ignores you.

Thank you very much for responding. I used to bandy about the divorce word but he has never wanted that. Nor did I particularly. I think things would have to be a lot worse than no sex I think.

Is anybody else not interested in sex so much now they have the number of children they want?

I think if I did not have the number I had I would be pining for it because I was the most sexual I've ever been in my life when wanting to conceive. Maybe I'm on my own there.

When my dh was just a boyfriend we split up due to sexual incompatibility, but we got together again 5 years later and I knew he wasn't as good in bed as another boyfriend but there was no one else for me, good sex or not, so in a way, I knew what I was taking on.

That is why I've just let things pass. He is not that sexually experienced.

Now in someways I can't be bothered to bring the subject up, but obviously I'm not 100% I mean that.

I think his attending the births has had something to do with it, absent midwife, dealing with all the 'labouring emissions' afterbirth etc. Also the fact I seemed to get pg out of 'thin air', he's adamant he does not want any more dc and this is his way of ensuring it (I got pg deliberately once).

If you were single the no sex thing wouldn't hurt you. It wouldn't feel like a rejection night after night. You and this guy would probably co-parent really well together if you split up. (IF. I know big if and you're not ready to think about that .... yet?)

I dont think he's going to change though. I'm single and have been for 2 years and I've not had sex in 2 year s and it hasn't bothered me. Has been the very least of my worries. But it's impossible to feel like that when you're married or with somebody.

Hi Melodychimes. I'm in a sexless relationship - sometimes I kid myself that everything's fine and I'd be happy if we never had sex again but...I think the issue here is intimacy not orgasms.

The thought of never experiencing initmacy again is what makes me feel very lonely and sad. I've never had much of a sex drive or been that interested in having sex.

The thing that struck me about your post is not that your DH bashes the bishop every night, it's that your DH doesn't want to kiss you. Do you think he's worried that if you kiss it might lead to other things and when it comes to that he's just pulled down the shutters. IMO either you're DH is suffering from depression or he is very insecure about not being able to pleasure you adequately.

I think you should take the emphasis off 'pleasuring each other' altogether. Why not concentrate on intimacy, as a marriage without intimacy is sad. Why not say let's forget about orgasms, let's just have sex and see what happens?

DH's grandparents didn't have sex for over 60 years as he was diagnosed HIV+ when he returned from National Service (not in UK) at the tender age of 27. They had separate beds in the same room and have lived happy and fulfilled lives.
Obviously their children had questions as they got older about why mummy and daddy have separate beds and why daddy was ill etc.... but if you are more subtle about it (e.g. happy to share a bed and cuddle without it going further) there is actually no reason why anyone else should know.
I personally couldn't do it, but if you are both truly happy there is certainly no need to waste energy worrying about it. I think that would be much more counterproductive to your relationship.

He has never really been that big on kissing, even as a boyfriend, whereas I love it, and will hug the pillow instead.

Or get lots of kisses from my dc! But of course it's not the same.

Today I asked him how he felt about us as a couple, he smiled and said he thinks things are getting better.

I have booked a short break for us and dc over Christmas. I'm going to try to cultivate a more 'how we were before we married' to see how that goes.

He is pretty sensitive and shuts down under threat. He has enough good points for me not to want anyone else still. It took me a lifetime for me to meet someone like him and when he came back in my life after 5 years I was so happy I thought I'd been blessed, bouncing straight out of a Mills and Boon novel.

But it seems our life has not turned out so perfectly.

When I met my dh I changed from being a 'happy to be single, career woman who never wanted children' to 'my god I want your babies and I want them now' believe me that was a very weird period.

No other man have I ever met has had that effect on me and I truly doubt I ever will meet anyone else, I do believe he's my soulmate.

The thing is, I know I could have an affair at the drop of a hat as to be honest I know I have lots of admirers still. Why I'm so annoyingly loyal beats me, and I'm not even religious.

How does anyone get over that shyness and guilt and have an affair? I admire them!

Oh dear, this just gets more depressing. Melody, this man DOESN@T LOVE YOU. He never will. You have obviously been doing everything you possibly could to 'make' him love you and he has taken advantage of that in order to get a) all his domestic servicing done and b) the outward appearance of a respectable family man (when he is probably gay or has some kind of fetish he is ashamed of and can't bring himself to share with anyone else). But unfortunately he really, really doesn't care about you and sooner or later he will just up and leave.

I have never seen a better example of the awful toxic nature of the 'soulmate' myth. You think this man is your soulmate, he thinks you will do for now as long as he doesn;t have to make any effort to accommodate you. A nicer man, a more ethical one would, have course, have kindly but firmly refused to marry you or have children with you no matter how desperately you tried to please him, this bloke has taken advantage.

Melody - Can I just say that being loyal to your DH has nothing to do with whether you are religious or not. It just sounds like you love your husband and respect him, if you also value your relationship (albeit non-sexual) then that is why you stay loyal.

You don't have to be religious to do the right thing!

I think it'sa bit harsh to say her husband doesn't love or care for her. You don't know anything about their past relationship or marriage other than what's been said on here, and we're focussing on one thing only.

As most other people have said, I do think you can be happy in a sexless marriage if that's what you both want but you clearly don't.

At the moment I hate sex and it makes me really sad. I used to be quite highly sexed but completely went off it once I was pregnant and despite thinking things would change once the baby was born, they haven't 8 months down the line . Thing is, frankly I'm quite happy not having sex, I'm exhausted, feel insecure about my body, don't have any desire at all. But I feel very sad that my lovely DH does miss it, and it's really affecting our relationship and for that reason I want to change things. I think it's sad your DH hasn't afforded you the same courtesy.

I do have sex but it's the very least amount I feel I can get away with, and I literally cringe when he touches me. I plan to look at those relate courses that were mentioned earlier. I feel very upset for my wonderful DH as I really feel he's been shortchanged. You need to talk about this with your DH.

And honestly, I'd have to sadly agree with the posters who suspect he's gay. Not that he's necessarily acting on those feelings. My dad is gay and my parents are still 'together'. She knows obviously and he meets up with another bman a few times per month. They do love each othe but I think it's terribly sad that they felt they had to stay to together... firstly for us as we were growing up and now because I know my mum feels she wouldn't find anyone else . Please don't let this happen to you. Gay or not, you don't want to be in her position in 20 years, wondering where your life went wrong.