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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think childminder was in the wrong?

95 replies

meanchildminder · 20/11/2009 23:46

A family friend just told me that they saw my ds being shouted at by his [new] childminder last week.
Apparently he forgot his school file and she sent him back into school for it and said to wait at the school gate.
He went back to school but instead of waiting at the gate walked further up the school lane to the pavement of the main road[only 100 yards or so].
She had crossed the main road to put the others in the car in a car park and when she saw him on the pavement shouted he had been told to wait at the gate.

It's not the shouting it's the leaving him on the other side of the main road that is the problem.The techers were not there.
He has just turned 8 in yr 3 and has glue ear,can be quite day dreamy and tends to not listen sometimes when he is tired.

OP posts:
Original poster
meanchildminder · 21/11/2009 22:39

Airing ~ I'm surprised you would leave a six or seven year old on the other side of a busy road at a junction with school buses turning while you went to a car out of sight in a car park off the road.When they didn't actually know when you were coming back or how long to wait for.

Do they pop into town by bus on their own as well?

OP posts:
Original poster
meanchildminder · 21/11/2009 22:43

hobnob
I wanted her to leave the file or wait for him and go with him and the others to the car.

And take him back and look after him.

OP posts:
macdoodle · 21/11/2009 23:07

Word of advice OP, if you want everyone to agree with you then DONT post in AIBU

Original poster
meanchildminder · 21/11/2009 23:18

lol have never had this sort of thread before~thought it was quite a straightforward issue quite surprised at responses.
It was more I was unsure how to broach it with the c/m in a forthright but pleasant way.She has been c/m for years I doubt she will change for me.

OP posts:
macdoodle · 21/11/2009 23:45

If you want a friendly chat or advice, post in parenting or chat, or even CM/nannies, AIBU is a bit of a croc pit at the best of times

Original poster
meanchildminder · 22/11/2009 00:00

Thanks that would have been better.
This thread has quite unsettled me today even then began to worry my ds has got some sort of problem not listening to instructions.

Am fine now

OP posts:
PercyPigPie · 22/11/2009 09:02

Try not to let it unsettle you anymore. I thought it was inadvisible to let young children cross roads on their own because their brain development was such that if they saw something like a dog or friend on the other side, or panicked, it is harder for them to contain those impulses and use their judgement. Therefore, in my view, he shouldn't have been allowe to get into that situation as she should have waited for him. The bottom line is that he is unknown to her and the wrong side of a busy road. I'd definitely take it up with her (and I would expect her to be very embarrased and not in the least stroppy about it).

cumbria81 · 22/11/2009 09:20

At 8 I think your son is old enough to wait where he is told. FWIW, I don't think there is anything wrong with the childminder telling him to wait there. He should have done as he was told and probably deserved being told off so he won't do it again.

nattnoobies · 22/11/2009 09:34

childminders are also very busy maybe she had to collect a child at a different school, get home for parent to collect a child etc and thought it would save time to get the children strapped into the car while your son went to get your folder?

posieparker · 22/11/2009 09:39

I would think if she's shouting at week one this would be the way she plans to carry on, I would think best CM behaviour for the first week.

Do you really want your ds looked after by someone shouting at him?

juuule · 22/11/2009 09:59

She should have waited for him while he went for his folder imo.

madamearcati · 22/11/2009 11:04

Honestly i thougt this was a joke thread at first .An 8 yr old can't wait by a busy road for a few minutes ?!

PercyPigPie · 22/11/2009 11:19

Madamearcati - that's not the issue - read the OP

edam · 22/11/2009 11:21

Agree she should have waited for him. It's what all the childminders I know from ds's school would do.

Possibly everyone who thinks YABU is forgetting the glue ear, forgetting he's new to this childminder, or thinking of what they would do with their own children who obviously they know very well. Very different rules for being a childminder and being a parent.

Dunno about 8yos, ds is only 6, but children often only hear/retain the first part of an instruction - 'go back for your file' not 'go back for your file and wait at the gate'. And having glue ear as well...

And actually none of the parents I know at school who have 8yos would ever leave them to wait by the side of a busy road. Have never seen that in more than three years of taking ds up to school and back.

edam · 22/11/2009 11:22

Sorry, meant to say yes, do talk to the childminder and make it clear you are NOT happy and your instructions are she should never leave the playground without ds and never leave him on his own by a busy road.

labyrinthine · 22/11/2009 12:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Allets · 22/11/2009 12:12

I am going to go against the flow here. I would be livid if a childminder shouted at my 8 year old or any aged child for that matter.

A childminder should be professional enough to keep calm and not resort to raising their voice to put their point across.

Splitting a group of young children in the vicinity of a busy road (no matter what the circumstances), would see me looking for another childcare option PRONTO!

What she should have done, was send your son to fetch his folder and wait for him on the spot. If the weather wasn't fit and the other children were getting wet or cold, she should have just taken your child home and used her imagination to complete homework.

phobiccauliflower · 22/11/2009 14:58

She probably only shouted because she was the other side of the road AND she wanted to reiterate not to cross the road. The op's ds didn't hear what she said and we don't know what she shouted - the original observer had already got it wrong so I wouldn't take his word for it.

BUT I think I would talk to the childminder. Are there different rules for over 8s? Regarding out of sight/leaving in car type rules I mean.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 22/11/2009 15:23

Just a thought, if the child has glue ear and has hearing problems maybe she shouted because she was worried he wouldn't hear ? I'm not justifying her actions just wondering if she was trying to make sure he had heard not being malicious ? OP I think you need to sit down with CM and chat through the incident, voice your concerns calmly and suggest how you would have preferred the incident to be handled. Also listen to her point of view and her reasons for handling the episode as she did. At the end of this try and work out a way to move forward together or agree that the set up is not working and move on amicably.

macdoodle · 22/11/2009 16:50

edam really?? Our school has a very steep hill up from the entrance (still on school property), to the gates which are on a busy road, which we need to cross to get home.

It is very common for the mums walking slower, with prams, or little ones, for the older children to run on ahead and then wait at the gates, there is always a gaggle of children waiting for mums at the gate from Year 1/2 onwards (nursery and reception have a different entrance)!

I dont recall ever having to tell my DD to wait at the gate, they just all do, some children do actually have some sense and are not wrapped in cotton wool!

I ahve been walking to and fro the school for 5 years now and a child has never been knocked over after not waiting at the gate!

Original poster
meanchildminder · 22/11/2009 17:11

macdoodle I resent the implication ds is wrapped up in cotton wool.

The situation was not similar to the one you describe at your school running on ahead ~ the c/m was across the road in a car park off the road out of sight with no clear instruction about when or whether she would be back.

He waited on the pavement by the gate on the school side with no intention of crossing ~ but she probably panicked and thought he may cross.

OP posts:
Original poster
meanchildminder · 22/11/2009 17:33

So the c/m left the school grounds, went over the road and beyond the road in a car park sorting out other dcs while ds waited.

He waited fine but that's not the point.

OP posts:
Tinuviel · 22/11/2009 18:14

Can I just say that my DS1 also suffers from glue ear and it does impact on their ability to listen, particularly if they have had it from being small. It's as if they haven't really 'learned to listen' at the appropriate time and it's quite a difficult skill to develop later. (Dyspraxia is also linked to an early history of glue ear, which we are now debating whether to get DS1 assessed for).

So the chances of him hearing, retaining and following 3 instructions TBH is a bit of a high expectation. In this respect I can expect more from DD who is 7 than I can from DS1 who is 12!! So age isn't the only factor here.

edam · 22/11/2009 18:29

madoodle, mean has already addressed that point. NONE of the parents or minders of children aged 8 and under at ds's primary have ever left their children to wait by the side of a busy road while they go ahead, cross the road and walk off out of sight. Not that I've ever noticed in three years of traipsing up there twice a day.

Some of the parents of kids in Year 5 and 6 do wait on the other side of the road. Presumably they are trying to give their children a little independence so they will be OK when they move up to the senior school next door and start walking on their own.

daftpunk · 22/11/2009 18:38

if i was looking after someone else's child (professionally or otherwise) i wouldn't let them out of my sight...absolutely no way i would have left the school grounds without the child.

it's different with your own children.

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